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I love what Mrs. Wondering said in a different thread about falling back in love with her husband: by August we took a road trip and listened to His Needs/Her Needs on CD together and that marked a big turning point in our recovery -- I began to feel a real connection with Mr. W again...[and why did I begin to "feel" that way? look at what I was doing...road trip alone with Mr. W - focused on our marriage and what we could do to make it the best it could be...] When I spend quality alone time with my H -- UA like Harley recommends -- my love and good feelings for him shoot through the roof. And those good feelings cause me to have greater desire to meet his needs. It really is like a mathematical equation. One of the first things I learned before I found MB, was to get time in - and that time was not meant to be used discussing the marriage, the home, the family, or the children. It was meant to be spent having a good time, and talking about anything but those things. In other words, pleasant conversation and companionship.
"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr
"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer
"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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It's strange how you're pretty sure the plan doesn't solve anything, but Dr. Harley and many other people claim it has solved your exact problem for many people.
It's also strange how you could ask Dr. Harley himself to clear this up for you and bring him your objections and see if he could answer them, and yet you don't. It's also strange how this is the third or fourth thread I know of that has become all about cemar and his SF issues.
FBW in recovery
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writer1:
I have brought up several subjects on these boards, like french kissing or oral sex, and I got raked over the coals for not be willing to compromise. Dr. Harely makes it clear that us HD guys have to do the initiating now, and possibly forever. I have been told that I should accept that my wife does things FOR me, rather than does them becasue she really WANTS to do them. I have been told to go without feeling REAL desire. Where does Dr. Harley make this clear? "The same principle should be followed whenever a man wants his wife to desire sex: He must create the conditions that allow her to enjoy the experience effortlessly. " http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/ss/50-1.htmlIt would also be the same thing if, say, a wife wanted the husband to do more Domestic Support. She has to make it easier for him to clean. Which is why when I want to clean the house I give my husband a choice of vacuuming or mopping, whichever he would prefer.
Last edited by wannabophim; 03/10/11 11:30 AM.
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It's strange how you're pretty sure the plan doesn't solve anything, but Dr. Harley and many other people claim it has solved your exact problem for many people.
It's also strange how you could ask Dr. Harley himself to clear this up for you and bring him your objections and see if he could answer them, and yet you don't. It's also strange how this is the third or fourth thread I know of that has become all about cemar and his SF issues. I noticed this as well. What does Cemar's LD wife problem have to do with the 11th EN of ambition?
Me: BS/FWW: 48
BS/WH: 50
DS: 30, 27, 25
DD: 28
OC: 10
BH and I are raising my OC together.
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Delta:
Your suggestions are not affection. Affection has to be physical in nature. Everything that you described is effectively another need or love language. I have the same problem, my second need is affection, and my wife does NOT like adualt affection, she does howeverlike affection that is for the family, and thus is not going to be sexual in nature.
Why would a person actually have a love language that is not physical touch, unless there was some dysfunction in the past. What a horrible, nasty thing to say about your wife. You are INSULTING your wife to us simply because she is DIFFERENT from you. That is revolting, cemar. Have you confessed to your pastor this sin of being so verbally abusive toward your wife?
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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It's strange how you're pretty sure the plan doesn't solve anything, but Dr. Harley and many other people claim it has solved your exact problem for many people.
It's also strange how you could ask Dr. Harley himself to clear this up for you and bring him your objections and see if he could answer them, and yet you don't. It's also strange how this is the third or fourth thread I know of that has become all about cemar and his SF issues. I noticed this as well. What does Cemar's LD wife problem have to do with the 11th EN of ambition? Werewolves? I don't know. It is a strange segue and distraction...
"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr
"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer
"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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markos:
I havebeen told that virtually everything that I want from my relationship will either have to wait, or be compromised, or go without. YOU are picking "go without." YOU are causing your wife to not want you.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Usually, the things that make men unattractive, the LBs that they do, are usually the RESULT of their wives being LD, cemar, this is disgusting. You are saying that when a man abuses his wife (love busters) that it's the wife's (victim's) fault. This is a horrible thing to believe, and it is the exact opposite of what Marriage Builders teaches. Why don't you pick up the phone and start getting educated?
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Writer, I would like to hear how you are doing and how you are feeling about the need you have for your DH to have a core passion/ambition....seeing as that is why you started this thread.
How are things going?
If someone else wants to rant about how the only thing that matter is sex, they can unlock their own thread.
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Writer, I would like to hear how you are doing and how you are feeling about the need you have for your DH to have a core passion/ambition....seeing as that is why you started this thread.
How are things going?
If someone else wants to rant about how the only thing that matter is sex, they can unlock their own thread. Agreed. And Writer, I know this isn't your official thread, but I'd love a general update about how things are going for you in general. What's happening with the house? What about your H's job prospects elsewhere? And your own? Don't mean to badger you, but your story has touched me.
Last edited by kerala; 03/10/11 05:48 PM.
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Writer, I would like to hear how you are doing and how you are feeling about the need you have for your DH to have a core passion/ambition....seeing as that is why you started this thread.
How are things going?
If someone else wants to rant about how the only thing that matter is sex, they can unlock their own thread. Thank you for asking Tawanda. It's actually going much better. My H is looking into MBA programs right now. It's something that he's wanted to do for a long time. He's looking to focus on organizational leadership. It's not something I'm particularly interested in, but I know it's something that he feels very passionately about, and it's good to see him showing an interest in things that he used to be very passionate about. Well, I don't think he ever really lost the passion - I think it was just in sleep mode. I'm hoping he'll find a program that suits him soon and get started. I'm doing everything I can to support him in this.
Me: BS/FWW: 48
BS/WH: 50
DS: 30, 27, 25
DD: 28
OC: 10
BH and I are raising my OC together.
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Great news, writer. What spurred the change?
FBW in recovery
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Great news, writer. What spurred the change? ![[Linked Image from traceylhausel.com]](http://traceylhausel.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/09/attitude-adjustment.jpg) Naw, just kidding. We talked about it. I told him I missed that passionate guy I married who used to have so many dreams and goals. He said he missed being that guy. We agreed we ought to try and find him again.
Me: BS/FWW: 48
BS/WH: 50
DS: 30, 27, 25
DD: 28
OC: 10
BH and I are raising my OC together.
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That picture cracked me up.
Writer, prior to 2003, there was a huge part of my DH that was just.....defeated, asleep, like you said. We prayed and he decided to get out of the ministry and go back to school. By the end of that first semester it was like he had come alive. He was happy, loving what he was doing, excited about what he was learning. It was a complete transformation. In about 3 weeks he will be defending his dissertation, and he is finishing his first year as instructor/department head at a community college. Going to school was exactly what he needed to do.
That is my hope for your DH.
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Ditto for my hubby when he quit his job, sold our house and trained to be a pilot. It was a huge leap of faith but he is a completely different person in every way and I'm so thankful we found the courage to do it.
Me: 32
H: 35
Married 9 years, together 12.
Two little girls, 7 and 3.
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Just wanted to say: AD, have you and your H tried filling out the Recreational Companionship questionnaire?
My H and I filled it out recently. There are tons of ideas on there. We have really different interests too, but we found lots of things that we both would enjoy doing. We had a few good laughs too (like when we imagined how many people we would maim if we decided to take up archery).
"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr
"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer
"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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