Just wanted everyone to know that I see the physical problem as temporary, not permanent. I went to the doctor. He gave me iron pills. And a referral to the surgeon. The prescription iron pills seem to be working. Much less bleeding than when I took only over the counter iron pills. And the surgeon will suggest ways to address the bleeding. So I should be able to overcome the anemia. That should enable me to achieve erections, and also to get back to exercising so I have more cardio-vascular fitness so I can perform better. That way I can go back to initiating from time to time. Still not ready to have the "big" discussion about sex. But at least we could overcome the current complete roadblock. Thanks to those who expressed concern.

Mrs. Hold spent the weekend with 3 friends from college. One is already divorced. The other 2 are close to being WAW, and seriously thinking about divorcing when their kids leave home in a few years. Mrs. Hold is down on the concept of marriage. She questions whether anyone can be happily married. I will invite her to share her thoughts and feelings. Perhaps this can lead to more honest conversation.

That's because marriage takes effort. And I'm sorry, but if one spouse is out there hacking out a living day in and day out, and the other is comfortably spending the days at home, having lunch with friends, spending money, with no responsibilities, then that effort is not mutual.

The hardest thing to do on this earth is to get up every day and make a living out there. It is given far too little recognition in marriage these days.

I let some truth slip out today. Mrs. Hold was complaining that we don't have any fun together. I agreed. I offered to do more things that are fun. She looked at me strangely, as if she was doubting I could be fun now that I am old and such a curmudgeon. I told her I turned it off, but I can turn it on again. She again looked at me strangely. I told her that our lack of fun was partly on purpose. I used to like having fun with her. I enjoyed our dates. Unfortunately, when we have a great time together, I get horny. Eventually I realized our fun times together almost never lead to sex or even hugging or cuddling. That made the aftermath of those fun dates painful. To avoid the pain, I tried hard not to allow myself to enjoy our time together "too much". I pull back when I start to feel close to her.

You could see her whole demeanor change when I said the part about "I get horny and then we don't have sex and that is painful". I should have just said "let's have more fun" and left it at that. I am my own worst enemy. Yeah, like that is such a revelation!

Well, at least you were honest, which is more than I can say. I was just looking through some old posts, and finding that I'm still doing the same non-MB things today that I was eight years ago. Soooo tired of treading water. As you are too.

Don't think you are doing worse than me. I am not applying MB. If I were, I would be cleaning up my own side of the street. Which I am not doing. And I would long since have gone into Plan B. Which I will not do until the kids leave. So I am most definitely doing no better than you at applying the MB system.

The difference is, you seem to be uncomfortable enough that you might actually make some changes now. I am far too comfortable being unhappy to make any changes.

Brother, I would *never* try to paint my situation as more hopeless than yours, or challenge your position as the most despondent MB-er. That's your schtick! (And I hope you can chuckle at that.)

You know, hold, I have actually heard Dr. Harley address situations like this on the radio show, where a man keeps going just for the children. One family the wife was involved in an active affair and the husband and wife separated, and the children went into a massive downward self-destructive spiral, getting in trouble at school, etc. They got back together even though the wife's affair did not stop! It was killing the husband, but his children got a lot better just from their parents being together, even through the active affair.

I wish I knew what the date was on that show.

Iss, yes of course I am chuckling. We Nice Guys gotta stick together. Well, actually we gotta bash each other over the head with heavy blunt instruments. But we gotta stick together. Even if that means bashing each other with sticks!

Markos, there is no way to know which is better for the children. Staying together even though I am miserable? Breaking up and hoping I can set a better example if I live a more fulfilling life? There are studies and odds but no guarantees. Some kids wish their parents had gotten divorced sooner. Other kids wish their parents never got divorced. Even if one percentage is higher than the other, no one can predict with certainty which side my kids will fall on, or even that both would fall on the same side.

I stay because I am afraid to leave. And unmotivated to improve myself both out of fear improvement would motivate me to leave and out of feeling that Mrs. Hold should not get any financial benefits while she rejects my needs. Not particularly admirable behavior on my part. A braver person would improve themselves, and let the chips fall where they may on the current marriage.

Last summer I promised Mrs. Hold we could take a big trip this year in honor of her losing 60+ pounds. I have been saving all year, and now have enough in the account to pay for the trip. Mrs. Hold is so excited. She is going to book the trip tonight. She has actually been smiling and laughing. She is in such a good mood, she actually touched her cheek to my cheek! And she let me touch her hip without jumping up or running away.

The kids are excited but anxious, because we are going to one of the smaller countries in South America. They don't know what to expect from such an exotic place. Should be a wonderful broadening experience for them.

Hold, I hope you and your family have an amazing time!

This morning I walked up to Mrs. Hold and said "every marriage has its problems. So do we. I can live with many problems remaining unresolved. But there is one issue I cannot tolerate."

You could see her face fall. You could see in her body language she was gathering herself for a confrontation. I continued.

"There is only one acceptable way to place the toilet paper into the roller. Loose end over the top toward the front. Never allow the loose end to point toward the wall and have to be pulled from underneath. NEVER!"

She said she would try to remember. I said "for a moment you really got worried that I was going in a different direction with that introduction, weren't you." She said "yes, I couldn't believe that you were going to bring up something serious on Monday morning as I was about to head out the door for exercise class".

What, she thinks toilet paper is not a serious topic!!

LOL. I was always a staunch advocate of Hold's method until I noticed how easy that makes it for our two-year-old to spin paper off the roll. So I'm thinking about switching, temporarily.

Had a very nice weekend with both kids. D14 had a swim meet and did very well. S16 and I did a driver's ed class and then we went to his AAU team's basketball game. He is bummed because he tore 2 ligaments in his finger and can't play this spring. But he wanted to show support for his teammates. Was hard for him to sit on the bench and watch them lose. Sunday he spent the day volunteering to help enter scores at his sister's meet. He worked for 8 hours. And all of us got to watch all 3 of D14's events. She felt very supported.

Mrs. Hold and I each show moments of kindness to the other. But it is hard to disguise that in the big picture we don't feel love for one another. And that leaks out at times.

I don't know, I think you two love each other in some weird way.

Otherwise, I don't think you'd be able to live like you do.

Mrs. Hold offered to have "kissy face" this morning. Thursday is the day she doesn't have any exercise or Weight Watchers classes in the morning. At first I turned her down. Then I figured we could at least snuggle. One thing led to another. It started to work. Then it didn't. Mrs. Hold was very gracious. I, of course, feel like dung. Decades of rejection while I could function. Now she is willing and I can't. I want to punch my hand through a wall I am so frustrated. I hate myself for not following my first instinct and turning her down. Everything I ever wanted is there for the taking, but it remains just beyond my grasp. I feel like bashing my head against the wall until it is a soggy bleeding mess.

And of course it is tax season so I am swamped at work. Ugh. Thank goodness I warned my secretary and the lawyers who sit nearby that there will be NO birthday celebration for me this year. A couple of them reminded me yesterday that I am a spoilsport for not letting them celebrate. Exactly.

Hold, hang in there.

Geez, Hold, like it's your fault? Considering the constant rejection you've faced for years on end, it's no wonder.

I worked at Microsoft in Seattle for years. It will rain for weeks on end in Seattle. And sometimes, after literally months of unending drizzle, suddenly it will become SUNNY at, say, 2:30 in the afternoon on a Sunday.

So I'm on the couch, all hunkered down in a stupor, awashed in glorious rays of sunshine, and I am feeling like I really, really wasted the day. Like I should be out biking in the mountains or something.

It was raining for months and months on end!!!!!

Had a wonderful birthday, mostly because of Mrs. Hold. She very much tried to show that she loves me in ways that speak to me.

Dentist appointment went well. No cavities despite not having gone in 10 years. The dentist said I should do commercials for chewing sugerless gum.

The surgical appointment was OK. He scoped and said "I don't see anything. Nothing yet. Oh, THERE it is." Too big to band, so either the cortisone shrinks it or I am in for some simple surgery but a very painful recovery. Oh well, at my age it could be much worse.

Dinner with my parents and sister was great, as was the rest of the weekend with them in NYC.

As for the gym, I have been too anemic to go. Now that the iron pills have that controlled, I am back on the exercise bike. I will eventually get back to the gym. Just need to get the surgery behind me (pun intended) first.

Hope everyone had a great weekend.

Happy Belated Birthday, and Happy Passover!