It was a VERY physical affair, longer and more entrenched than he is admitting to you.

A woman doesn't end a long-term M over an EA and "wanting" to be with a MM.

He's been lying to you both for a long time.

Sorry, but I don't believe that for 1 second. She was in a dream world.

Whatever her XH knows ~ if it was physical, how long it's been going on, what your H is telling her (probably that you two are divorcing or separated, that they will be together "soon", blah blah blah...).

You REALLY need to talk to him since your H is obviously gaslighting you. The XH may be able to give you tons of info that your H won't.

He failed this poly for a reason ~ my guess is there is a serious double/secret life going on ~ MUCH more than you know.

My guess is that his PRIDE is getting in the way of him revealing the truth, which is less damaging than the lie. The truth is that he offered to frame a pic, not that he wanted to lust after a stupid portrait of her, her mom, her gramma and her daughter.

He FAILED a poly! What other proof do you need?

Now granted...I know all about OW who are in la-la land and believe the lies the WS is telling them ~ I know alll about manipulative OW who dream about being with this MM and doing whatever it takes (even in their own minds) to make it happen. I KNOW crazy OW, trust me.

But something is clearly not right here. I also know about gaslighting WH's and the lies they tell. However, my H PASSED his poly with flying colors. There wasn't even one little tiny issue that was uncertain.

Please...find the XH. Snoop like crazy. Do not let this go, you are going to end up a crazy woman. Your H is a first-class gaslighter.

I already surpassed "crazy"

He passed the part about if he had sex with her.

You need to take a second look at this, bt. I suspect there was an A before she ever left her H.

The OW in my sitch publicly complained about her H to all their co-workers. It would have looked funny if she'd divorced her H with no complaints and no warning, and she was working toward being with my H at that time.

An EA yes, but not a PA.

Did you write the poly questions yourself?

Did you personally talk to the polygrapher?

So, bt, you post with a headline "H failed polygraph - now what?" which gives the impression that you know your H lied about his affair, but when you are told by those who have experienced lies and false recoveries - MarriedForever, for example - you say that you don't believe "for 1 second" that he had sex and that the truth is he offered to frame a picture, not that he wanted the picture to lust after.

What help are you seeking here?

Affair fighting 101 ------> snoop like a hound and don't assume anything.

and FTR, I agree with MF. Based on what Dr Harley says (and it's proven here on the boards again and again) an EA very quickly progresses to a PA.

Was your polygrapher (term?) certified? Did you tell him to ask the question about the PA that way? From my basic understanding, I thought the questions were supposed to be more specific to increase the accuracy.

One of our posters Schoolbus (a psychologist I think) wrote out some poly Qs for another poster. My sister showed those to her WH who was insisting he would pass the poly and after reading them, he confessed. They were very specific so that's what is making me wonder about your H's poly.

The whole article is here:
LINK

What were the qualifications of this polygrapher?

I ask this because I did quite a lot of research on polys...the polygrapher I finally chose wrote the algorithms for the polys the FBI uses.

One of the things he stressed to me was that I needed to stick to one SUBJECT because if I didn't, that would skew the results of the poly. I could get answers to several questions but they all needed to be related to the same SUBJECT (ie; sex or contact or how many times they (fill in the blank))...see what I mean?

You asked three questions on three different subjects and I was told this would skew the results.

The professionally certified examiner and I wrote the ?'s. He was very helpful in determining good ?'s so that detecting deception, (if any) would prove good results. We spoke several times before the exam and I was present for the preliminary explanation with my H.

Three questions about one woman.

I know that my H had an EA, he admits to that. He did before the test. I wasn't sure about the PA before the test, which is the reason the question was asked. Now I am confident that the EA did not lead to a PA.

The examiner explained to me after the test that normally a person is said to have failed the test when 1 or more answers show deception. However, he was completely confident that the answer that came back with no deception, was truthful. So, in fact, he answered 2 ?'s deceptively and 1 truthfully.

The help I am seeking has to do with the 2 questions he answered deceptively. He insists he told the truth. I know he did not. It's a wall between us. I am wondering, do I need to further investigate? I already know what he did, he just won't admit it. Getting proof now is impossible.

I read in Dr. Harley's article that the affair should never be brought up again. Now, I quess I need to know, at what point do I lay this to rest. I also read that until all the cards are on the table, there can not be fair negotiation.

He is playing with me saying that he can't manufacture the truth, he can't say he did something he did not. He also has the "support" of other men and our counselor who agree that the tests aren't very reliable. So, I still can't prove anything. In fact, I realize this is emotional abuse in the worst way. Believe me, I experience it.

As a result, I have not done well with LB. So many angry outbursts, demands and disrespect for so long on my part. My love for him has dwindled down so much I am wondering how I will be able to make any deposits in his love bank. I do not know where to start.

My best guess is that I need to eliminate the LB behavior and start making some deposits. However, that is almost impossible to do while he continues to lie to me.

It's almost as if I am the one who needs to start living a "double life".

BT,

My husband lied about his affair for more than 2 years. He passed a poly even though he was still lying about extent and details of the affair. I had a huge need for honesty and he was dishonest. I responded with angry outbursts. It was a very ugly cycle for a long, long time.

Even though we had moved and there had been no contact between H and his OW for 16 months, he emailed and phoned her for a period of about 10 days. I found out he had contacted OW but he lied about their communication and plans for more than three months. He stopped being a liar shortly after we attended an MB weekend and started working on the course. However, a year later, I still have emotional issues.

What I wish I had done differently:
1) Gone to plan B when H refused to tell ALL the truth.
2) Set the bar for return very high much earlier in terms of H's committment to the M. H had confessed he was not giving his 100%.
3) Required H to do the "heavy lifting" in recovering the marriage. I was pushing and pulling when it should have been him taking the lead.

I agree with other posters. The problem here is much larger than how you handle his failing 2 questions on the polygragh.

Another thing to add.... There can be no recovery while your H and OW still work together. At this point, they are still in contact and their A is continuing. OW is not going to give up her plan to build a life with your H. If this A has not gone PA already, it will soon.

AM

Thank you A,
I have definitely taken on the burden myself. Mostly because I am afraid to lose him. That in itself must be a starting point.

You realize that this advice is for a couple that is in recovery?

If they are still working together, you treat it as though it is an ONGOING A, regardless of whether you believe it is an EA or PA.

That means Plan A --> snooping, exposure, and preparing for Plan B if he will not establish NC while working on cleaning up "your side" of the street...

You did not tell us before that he admitted the EA. Did you ever expose it to anyone?