I m a wife who had a one time affair. My husband said he read on this website it is good for the husband to tell everyone (parents, children, friends, etc.) about the affair so it won't happen again. In other words, public humiliation. I have never heard of this. I would think that would make the relationship even worse between the husband & wife and 2 be honest with you, it's the dumbest thing I have ever heard. Has there been something posted in regards to this. I've been looking and haven't been able to find anything. Thank you

Humility

Welcome. Hope this newsletter helps. Also I would suggest reading the basic concepts of the site. They are right at the center top of the page in the red part.

Hope this helps.

Newsletter-Exposure

nESRE

Yes, it is standard operating procedure to expose the affair to family and friends of both the wandering spouse (WS) and the affair partner (AP).

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I would think that would make the relationship even worse between the husband & wife and 2 be honest with you, it's the dumbest thing I have ever heard.

Don't think that you could make things much worse than with an affair and some of the dumbest things that I've ever heard are the BS excuses waywards use to justify what they did/are doing.

Humility, when was your affair? When and how did it end?

My husband's affair was 10 years ago, but I learned about it last year. Even though the affair was done and over with for years, we still decided to expose it to our children, family members and some friends.

It was the right thing to do for many reasons.

Here's more from Dr. Harley:

Welcome to Marriage Builders, Humility.

Question: What is a 'one time affair'? You mean, like, a one night stand? Or a ten-year affair with one person? I'm not sure what your definition is of a "one time affair."

Yes, exposure is recommended. It isn't intended as public humiliation so much as "public accountability." The more people who know about the affair, the more people to help keep you accountable in your faithfulness to your husband.

Does your husband post here?

Do you have any other questions?

Your situation is a slightly "bass-ackwards" approach to infidelity recovery, in that the usual question is broached to this board by a distraught BS. The theory, and experience here, is that the more people who have influence with the WS who can be made aware of the situation, and bring their negative judgment and counsel to bear on that person, the more effective the withdrawal from the affair, and the resolution not to repeat that mistake, will be. While there is, without doubt, a certain discomfort associated with the exercise, it has been shown to be remarkably effective in ending affairs and initiating recoveries. It is NOT intended as a punishment, or punitive in any way. It is lifting the veil of secrecy and deception under which affairs can be carried out, or prolonged.

So, if your husband were to solicit advice from us, this is what we would urge him to do.

Well, apparently I am the only person who things it is wrong in airing their dirty laundry to "everyone" - even people in a bar situation that could care less and probably have had one themselves. Are any of you familiar with the steps in AA? Step # 5 is to admit to God, to ourselves and to another human being (which is your sponsor) the exact nature of our wrongs. Step 8 is to make a list of all persons we had harmed and become willing to make amends to them all. Step 9 says it all, [b]"make direct amends to such people wherever possible, EXCEPT WHEN TO DO SO WOULD INJURE THEM OR OTHERS. That statement doesn't mean physically/bodily hurt them, it means to hurt them spiritually or give their heart pain, when all it is going to do is keep the wound open instead of trying to help them heal. Amends have already been made to the partner and it is totally up 2 them as 2 whether or not to accept them as Step 7 says "Humbly asked "HIM"/God to remove our shortcomings. I certainly don't feel like I need to make amends to barflies or to inlaws or relatives I see every 3-5 years at funerals or weddings. Try walking a mile in my shoes before you condem. I still think it would do no good to expose it...most people probably know or "think" they know anyway. I could care less about friends and acquaintences but as far as family members go, I feel it would just bring a lot of resentment to both families and to be perfectly honest with all of you it is just plain none of their business. A person doesn't just go out and decide "hey, I think I'll have an affair today". BTW, I have read the posts in this forum and that is the reason for this reply. There are many, many reasons a person, man or woman has an affair and I am certainly not saying it is wrong but everyone has a different story why they did and who are we/anyone to judge what those reasons are, it absolutely isn't, it is up to our Higher Power!

Fine, don't expose. Nobody's condemning you. To make such a statement is ludicrous.

Who is condemning you, Humility?

Humility, does your husband want to expose your affair?

Is that what this debate is really about?

Dear Never Guessed - no offense was intended by the post and words like BS are really not necessary. If he wants to solicit advise from you, that is his business and he certainly can. I am just expressing "MY" opinion and if that is wrong then I am plainly on the wrong website. Apparently it is just for the righteous and not the wrong doers. It's too bad because everyone has their own opinion and apprently you are so onesided you can only see your side.

On the contrary, there are many, many former adulterers on this site.

If you'd like, we can direct you to their threads. They may be very helpful for you to read.

Our main goal is to encourage each other to restore and maintain romantic love in our marriages.

Good question MB.





Exposure is meant to be with people who would help influence the stop of the A. Maybe like some of the people who witnessed your blessed wedding day......

nESRE

Humility, I noticed people asked you some questions which I don't think you answered:

no debate, I can see it was a mistake to become a member here. I was not looking for someone to tell me I was full of BS and made ludicrous statements. All I was looking for was guidance and expressed my own opinion on the subject. I certainly am not condemming you of your opinions "Delta" or "Marital Bliss" . I simply asking what people on this site thought ... guess I found out. I will not be logging on this site again just to hear opinions from very narrow minded people. Good luck in your marriages. I sure they will be long and fruitful.

Oh, goodness, Humility. I don't believe anyone is condemning you. Many of our posters have been where you are. We want to help you. Do you have any questions we can answer? What can we do to help you?

It's interesting that in your first post, you said that the problem with exposure was that it was "public humiliation" in your opinion. In other words, it was a problem because it would hurt YOU.

But now, in this post, you are saying that the problem is that it would hurt OTHERS.

Since your reasons keep changing, it makes me suspect that you aren't being honest with yourself.

Humility

Did you mistake NG's BS as saying your full of it?



BS=Betrayed Spouse

Interesting ... sounds like maybe you didn't read closely. I think someone told you he had heard a lot of BS from wayward spouses, but I don't see anyone telling you you are full of BS.

You are obviously full of anger and harshness, though. Honest truth.


I don't see how you can call people narrow minded but also say you aren't condemning their opinions.