Can you tell us how long your A was? Who was OM? Coworker? Has ALL contact (FB/email/work/anything!) ended? How many ddays has your BH experienced?

These Qs may help us understand your situation better. Thanks.

What did we say that was narrow minded?

Please tell your husband: I give him kudos for finding this site and reading here. Many betrayed spouses simply leave their marriages. He seems to be one who wants to save his. You and he are both welcome to come here to learn more about having a fantastic marriage.

Good luck, Humility!

actually "public humiliation" is the term used by my husband, perhaps HE got the words incorrect in your writings.

I am at the point in AA that is is ALL ABOUT ME! and trying to stay sober. I am quoting the steps because I am trying to live them.

Markos, I am not full of anger or harshness. I am living the truth. It was admitted, it was admitted to another human being, it is being wrapped in a warm blanket and handed over to God as he is the honest truth, not any of us.

Are any of you recovered alcoholics or in the AA program? I would really like to hear their side. Not that I'm not listening and taking all of your opinions to heart as I said I just don't believe in "public humiliation" to people I may see at weddings or funerals who don't know my situation at all. After 26 years of marriage NESRE and talking to "many" individuals about the whole situation which would take 26 years to make you understand, there were none who felt "public humiliation" would benefit anyone. If anything it would make the person who made the mistake feel unwelcome/unwanted wherever she (I) go within the families, around friends of "his", etc. I have enough on my plate dealing with my sobriety than to worry about what people think about an affair. I did not join to create a huge debate on this subject. But it is nice to see that no one agrees with me so that will surely make my husband happy. All I am saying, is public "humiliation" may have worked for all of you but it will head directly to divorce court for me

Happy marriage to all of you. I will log in again after you have had 26 years of marriage and many stumbling blocks in your lives and see where all of you are in your marital bliss (like the day I got married). Sorry I ever logged on.

It is wayward thinking, though, to presume that exposure "injures" them or others. It does not. Exposure is therapeutic to the wayward. On what grounds would you assert that exposure "injures" anyone? I would like to see you defend that assertion.



You mean there are many different EXCUSES that a person has an affair? There is no justification for an affair. None. And of course we can "judge" that adultery is immoral.

If you cannot judge right from wrong, you are not safe. Our prisons are full of folks who can't judge right from wrong, and that is right where they belong.

However, it can't go unmentioned that you don't really have anything against judging at all since you are judging people here. Your claim to be against "judgment" is dishonest and hypocritical.

He most certainly did.

Sounds like both of you might have a problem with listening closely.

You might not want to hear me say it, but it might really help you to work on that.

Exposure is not humiliating at all. What is humiliating is adultery. And it should be humiliating! If you aren't humilated, then you might be a sociopath!

God forgive you, Humility, this is a really really mean thing to say to maritalbliss, who has been through all the hell of an affair.

You can say you are not full of meanness and harshness all you want, but we can see when you say mean and harsh things to people who only want to help you, like maritalbliss. She absolutely does not deserve that from you, and I hope you will make amends.

Yes, there are many people here who have been through AA. And even some of us who can't can spot a dry drunk.

Not really. There is only one "reason". Poor boundaries.

You shore don't sound very "humble" to me, "humility." Seems like you don't live up to your name very well, hun.

Does your husband post here? This is one question that was asked of you that you didn't answer.

Is he reading this thread?

Can we persuade him to post here and give us his side of the story?

Your name is making me laugh...is this a joke?

Humility, you have just proven the whole purpose of exposure - to help the WS defog because...you sound VERY foggy!

It is very alarming that you don't seem to want to talk about how you are helping your H overcome the damage from your A. Again, not what we would expect from a repentant FWS whose focus is to recover the marriage.

What is that sound??? click here

I'm only at 22 years. I guess my "stumbling blocks" don't count?

You aren't mean or harsh, but you ignore the questions people ask you, you call people narrow-minded, you say horribly mean things to maritalbliss. You call people's statements ludicrous when you've barely bothered to read what they are saying.

None of that is mean or harsh?

Humility this was just absolutely uncalled for, and I hope you'll think about that. People have been through all the hell of an affair (some wayward, some betrayed), and then they give of themselves and of their time to try to help people, and they give you their opinions (you said you wanted guidance) and they are really nice about it, and then you jump all over them and mock them and make fun of them and call them naive and wish trouble upon their marriages like you did for maritalbliss, here.

I'm appalled.

I hope when you are genuinely walking the AA steps that you will consider making some sort of amends, here. There are real people writing to you, people with feelings, people who don't deserve this. When they are only trying to help you.

Hear dat sound?

Why would exposure cause your husband to divorce you?

This is what happens when people register on a forum without first reading about it to get an understanding of what's being said.

"BS" is not an indictment of you or your posts, it is simply one of the acronyms used here. It stands for "Betrayed Spouse."

Might I suggest you click on the links in my signature and get real familiar -- real fast -- with this site? Otherwise, the tenor of the posts will start degenerating even more quickly.

Okay, Humility, count me as a FWW. My A was in 2006. I confessed to DH, and then we told both our families, our children, some friends who would support us, our pastors, and my administrators (because the OM was a former worker there and had come around to "visit").

Exposure as Harley uses it is for the purpose of breaking up an affair. After the affair has ended...retroactive exposure is not clearly specified, except that I believe children should know, there should be some support in place, and if the OP was married that spouse needs to know. I do not think you need to go around to every person you know and say "I cheated. It's over, but I thought you should know," and Dr Harley does NOT say to do this.

But I can tell you that having family and friends support your M rebuilding is extremely valuable, and keeping it from children is just cruel. Beyond that....there really isn't anything that is cut and dried...just really strong opinions.

I look at it this way. Because I am not that woman anymore, I don't feel the need to inform everyone I come into contact with. But if I encounter someone who might benefit from our struggle, I will not hesitate to share it. Did I lose a couple of friends when we were honest about my A back in 2006? Yeah. But the vast majority of people were on the side of our M and really helped us. And having my bosses know protected me from a surprise appearance of the OM. And it was good accountability.

And finally, I had just run over my DH with a giant wayward truck. If having some people know what was going on for support was going to help him....why WOULDN'T I want to do that? Is my "pride" and "good name," which I had chosen to mess up with my A, meant more to me than DH.....well that's just sad.