T/J - sorry. WPG, I've read so much about you and your husband, and this post is very insightful and surely helpful. I wish you the very best...I think, whichever way you end up, that you'll have great impact here on the MB site. Stick with it, lady. (One day read your orininal post, and where you are now. Really? :))

End T/J.

Steph, if you read WPG's posts (hard to read along with her husband's), you'll perhaps feel your BH's pain in third person as well as your own. I read that others seem to find help with other threads in that it de-compartmentalizes their "special" feelings and circumstances. HEAR what other WS's and BS's say. The repetitive nature is remarkable. And, dispells the thoughts that either you or your husband are in any way "special" in this sitution. In southeren terms...yaint.

Look at the difference in the clarity to plan, fight and stand up that WPG has now versus then. Accountability! "Shaint" special, and her sitch is no different than anyone elses. You know the drill...you just have to apply it as best you can...like WPG, GloveOil, and soooo many others here.


Will her marriage survive? I sure hope so...but, if it does or doesn't, she embraced input, 2 x 4s, and everything here, and maybe she can help you as she continues her fight.

Blessing to you!

"this post is very insightful and surely helpful."

I don't do the quotie thing (duh!), so what I meant was WPG's post, not my own, for Pete's sake!

T/J - Surfer88, thank you!
end T/J

ITA about reading other folks' posts on the board - I spend a lot of time lurking and reading even if I'm not actively posting. I've learned a lot of valuable advice from both FWS's and FBS's, and I follow many of the threads of BH's both in SAA and Recovery. I'm kind of hesitant to chime in sometimes on BH threads, particularly if the WW is in an active A, and sometimes I have to stay away from the SAA forum b/c it's just...well, overwhelming.

But there are a LOT of wise heads on this forum, folks who have been here for a while, folks who came here to get help and stayed to help others. Read and absorb!

Stephanie,
If you're in Plan A and your husband is active in an affair then you will get nothing in return ......... for now that is. For this reason there is a time limit to Plan A because no human can or should do this indefinitely.

In Plan A you meet your WH's ENs to the extent that he will allow you to.

I'm no expert at explaining this so some of the other vets here like MelodyLane and Just_Learning will do a much better job than I.

ok, hello all. i wanted to fill you in. this last weekend my husband went out on saturday night.. he did this after i begged him to stay home and hang out with me and the girls. he said no, he wanted to go. so i packed up and took the kids to a friends where we had a slumber party. i wasnt going to wait up all night like i have the whole month every weekend! meanwhile i had many friends out that were letting me know exactly what and where my husband was and what he was doing. i did find out that "the girl" was out but they werent together.. idk? anyway, i dropped a friend off at the bar and walked her to the door where i saw my husband. i was rude and said i had left the kids with their "new daddy" as he calls my affair and the man in it. and that it was none of his business why i was out. he left me alone and hung out with his friends. i did see "the girls" with another guy. we had some words then i left. i did tx my husband and told him good luck getting in the house as i locked him out. anyway, the next morning i got a tx from "the girl" with a . thats all it said. i took it as i had sex with ur husband or hes with me or whatever. i said yay, good for you and she said thanks:). i was immediatly PISSED! i confronted ben and he said he was at a friends house. i dont believe him at all. i kept him locked out till i came home later and he found a way in and wouldnt tell me how. i told him i was done, i was fed up and i wanted him out! and i wanted him out now. he wouldnt go. he then started in with the, i love yous, and im sorrys, and i shouldve came home when i saw her, and i didnt mean anything ive said, and i want to work on it and etc.. i was o mad, i just didnt want it anymore. these last couple days have been ok. i think im ok either way. we are still going to attend counceling and see what happens. i just dont believe anything. he does say, he went out and did what he did to make me mad, get back at me, he didnt know! he stil says he wasnt with "the girl" but ya right! anyway, that was my weekend.. what do you all think about this? tonights kind of an off night. he wants the M to work, he just doesnt want to feel such hate towards me and doesnt know how to fix it. i told him to get back onhere. he doesnt know.. thanks guys!

The nerve of that woman taunting you the way she did.

Did you tell H that she texted you?

Yes, he should have walked out when he saw her. Please remind me - has he sent her a NC letter?

Now on to you. Why on earth would you taunt your H by telling him you left your kids with their new daddy?

Are you attempting to save this marriage or destroy it?

It sounds like everyone involved is playing a bunch of immature, foolish games.

The easiest thing to do is let this spiral out of control as if you two are still in high school.

You are both angry, and doing things that will certainly help bring your M to and end. What you need to do is sit down without any distractions and discuss plans to move forward and not look back.

My wife and I determined that we were going to fix everything, and we had to start by making today the first day of the rest of our lives. You can't live in the past if you want to have a future.

End your old way of life and start over today using the MB principles found here. But remember that all the advice you find here does you no good if you don't re-commit to each other and start from scratch.

After 20 years together and one A each, my wife and I have each learned from experience that A's destroy a person's soul. We had enough love, faith, and hope for each other that we could put our old life behind us and start over. The last few months since my wife's A has been the best moments of our lives.

I believe you and your H can survive. I also truly believe that an A is a profund character-building event for both parties. With grace and mercy, you two will grow to become much better human beings. Or, you can make a bigger mess of this and probably be doomed to repeating this same scenario down the road. View this as an opportunity to fix what is broken.

yes he knew she texted me and he wont do anything to make it better or defend me in any way. he will not contact her and tell her to leave me alone or him alone. he refuses. he says hes not stooping to her level! idk.. yes, i was stupid when i said theyre with their new daddy. i was just mad. but i do think we say things to hurt eachother and yes i do think we are both very immature. i have asked him to move forward and he just cant. says he cant get past the hurt. well, now that we are both hurt, i think we should call a truce. he just wont. idk what thats all about. anyway...

I know exactly how your husband feels. I have honestly felt like smashing my FWW's face with a brick at times and struggle with these thoughts every now and again. He is feeling vengeful and probably remembers not just your lies and cheating, but also hurtful things you may have said or done during your A.

I am not excusing is behaviour, however. That must change if the two of you are to have a chance.

Yes, you are both immature.

Yes, you can fix that and address it. That's why you're here.

I know how he feels.

Healing is slow and whether he heals or not will be down to how you handle him when he experiences waves of disgust, rage and revulsion.

The best thing you can do when he next brings it up is to say "H, I know I've hurt you and I'm so very, very sorry. I take full responsibility for cheating on you, lying to you and for all of the pain you've ever experienced because of my choices.".

Asking him to "move forward" is frankly an insult. Especially since the person asking him to do this (you) is responsible for the pain he is in. It's like punching someone, giving them a black eye, then telling them you don't like how they look - that they should clean themselves up.

thanks for the insight. it makes a difference when theres husbands on here that have been through this and explaining things.. i do appreciate it.. counceling went really good. we laughed and enjoyed it alot. learned some stuff too.. we are total opposite personalitys... which i think we kinda knew:) i think with time we should be ok. or i guess i hope!! i do feel that hes just trying and then will let it all go again after counceling ends.. i dont know how to get over those feelings?? i feel like this is all fake but i love whats going on. i loe having a husband, having a partner, haing him here, being a family, expressing love... but still i cant help to feel i can lose all in a minute.. what do i do.. enjoy him while hes here or what? thanks!

Concentrate on the journey, stephanie.

and now today after a great weekend he sends me a text thats says, "i know you had sex with my brother and he is moving out!" i did not do tis and he knows that but once again, he has to destroy anything and everything going good! im so sick of this. and then he says he is sorry and he didnt mean it. what the hell? im so confused on what to do. i want to give up! im soooo drained and done. what else can i do? i refuse to be verbally abused and attcked like this. i cant handle tis, he is making me crazy!

stephanie,

HE did mean and he is lying when he says he did not mean it. He said it for a purpose. Call him on it. Time to grow up...both of you.

God Bless,

JL