I believe that your M still has a very good chance of surviving this tragedy.
Your BH is in a state of shock and grief right now. Give him time to process this calamity in his life. Right now he is in a defensive mode to protect his own heart. He does not feel safe with you, but with repentance and humbleness, this could change!

I think you have a better chance than you think right now, that this M can and should be reconciled.

Stay strong and be patient.

All Blessings,
Jerry

The problem with this line of thinking is ...

What happens next time something is missing from your life?
What will you fill it with?
Because there WILL be a next time.

It's not enough to think you'll have the will power to avoid an affair, jut like you didn't have the will power last time.

Instead, you need to establish proper boundaries that guarantee you will not have an affair.

MB calls these boundaries Extraordinary Precautions (EPs).

Examples of EPs some people use:

No friendships with opposite sex
No flirting with opposite sex
No texting/IMing with opposite sex
No secrets between spouses
Discuss personal/private matters with spouse only
Immediately tell spouse about attractions to others
No overnights away from spouse
Be each other's favorite recreational companions
No drugs, no intoxication
Limit/avoid alcohol
Limit computer use
Full transparency in all aspects of life

Ideally, spouses work together to develop the list of EPs that are right for their marriage.

NoComfort, I've seen a lot of waywards attempt to 'psychologize' their actions by talking about pain, emptiness, voids, things like that. Don't give your affair more validation than it deserves. You had an affair because you had needs that you weren't expressing to your husband. You coupled those needs with poor boundaries and an opportunity.

It's pretty simple, really. And that's the beauty of it. You don't need to examine your childhood, or your frustration with your lot in life, or assume that you're missing something because you didn't go to college...whatever. Those things are a distraction and will not help you understand your actions.

Knowing the simple reasons behind affairs will help you rebuild your marriage. And I DO think you've got a good chance of that, if your husband is willing.

deleted because I think I missed something...

I wish you were right. There are going to be alot of tears from me especially for what has happened , for what I lost, and threw away. I have so much regret now. But I cannot tell anything except that I am sorry. I am just so sorry I hurt him But I could not live anymore in a lie and lie to him. .

I cant change anything that has happened.

I have to face that it is over and that I am why it is over.

Im so sorry, but none of that matters now.

I did. I expressed my needs many many times. We went to counseling before about our marriage. I did in many many ways try to tell him. I know that it still does not excuse what i did.

That's the thing, though. I dont think he is willing but I would wait to see if he would be. I would pray and ask God to give me another chance. But it is too late. I would anything to try but I just know it is too late.

ONly a miricle at this point. Not doing well right now.

I am so sorry you are hurting. Please know that you DID do the right thing by confessing your affair. Even if your marriage does not survive, you did the right thing by telling your dh.

Yes. The truth is always the right thing. I know it hurts, and I know that seeing him hurt is terrible. It takes time. And it is possible he won't be able to deal with it, at least for awhile. But you have made the right choice, even though it was difficult. Try to just take it one day at a time, even one moment at a time if need be.

Yes this is very painful, a death indeed. THere were only two options - to tell or not to tell. I searched myself, asked others. Many said to tell is best. Some said no dont say. So now I just live with my choice. My choices. Grieving. ANd I am sorry.

NoComfort, if it helps any, I don't think your marriage is over. I think it's too soon for you to mourn the loss of your husband. Yes, you should mourn the loss of innocence and fidelity in your marriage. You should feel despair for what your husband is feeling from your actions. These feelings are good - in the future you will remember these feelings and they will hopefully help guide you away from temptation.

But I just don't think your marriage is over. I think it's too soon to accept that. For now, be available to your husband for any need that he may have. If he has questions, answer them. If he wants no contact with you, honor that. It's all about your husband, now. Let him process this.

As I told my friends and family about my wife's affair in December, I plainly stated things like "it would take a miracle for her to come back to me" and "There is a 99% chance we are getting a divorce." 3 months later, we are together and trying to work towards a healthy marriage.

No matter what God you believe in, He can work miracles.

Remember, it is not your honesty that hurt him when you told him the truth. It is your infidelity that hurt him. You do have to live with those choices, and it's true that he has every reason to leave you if he would like. But maybe if he sees this side of you--the remorse, and remorse for hurting him (not just sadness at losing him), and sees that you know how much you hurt him, maybe he will change his mind. He is shocked and traumatized right now, and is probably not able to think clearly.

You can show him genuine remorse, grief, and sadness. You can show him the kind of wonderful wife you can be. You can not give up, and accept responsibility for your actions but also take responsibility for trying to repair the damage you've done, and maybe there will be a breakthrough.

Bliss, you are very right. I think every thing you are saying is right. But there are no words for me to say that wont look as if I am a lying coniving woman right now, nothing. I feel like any and every word I say is of no use because I broke the trust. My infidelity hurt him. He has every reason to leave me. And because of what I did, I know I deserve it. But I wish we could find a way to work together to work it out. But it is not up to me. He said I gave up that right. He's right I did. it is not about me right now, it is about him.

Someone said I should tell him about this thread. I think that is a good idea but is it too soon to do so?

I think you should wait until he has had time to process this. If he shows any signs of wanting to reconcile, tell him that you found a great site online that has opened your eyes to a way back home for both of you. I'm afraid that he will reject anything that comes from you at this point.

When he is ready to hear about MB, tell him about the great articles here. When he reads those and wants to know more, tell him we're here on the forum and we're waiting to help him. Tell him we're not a bunch on strange online nuts - tell him we are people who have been where both of you are.

When my husband left me for another woman in 1978 or 79, these were his words:

"I do not love you, I never did love you, and I never will love you."




He was wrong then, wasn't he, when he came back three months or so later?


Sometimes, when we are lost in emotions, we say and do things we really believe, only to find that later on we really did not mean them.


Like the time when I took my husband back when he returned, after leaving me for the OW in 78 or 79, and just a few days after that he had a ONS with yet another OW....

I said that I would NEVER take him back if he ever cheated on me again.


Because *I* was wrong then.....

I took him back when he cheated on me yet again in 2005.



SB