True dat!

BT, do you have the book Surviving An Affair?

It spells out how to do a stellar Plan A and Plan B according to Dr. Harley.

Also:

Plan A - http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...flat&Number=2400725&#Post2400725

Plan B - http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2486537#Post2486537

D,
I will check my library, I have developed quite a collection over the past 3 years.

Yep, intense is a good word for me. Have always been that way.

The BSes here know the pain of what is happening in your marriage. And hopefully we can offer some of our lessons learned.

If you want to see some of what happened in my case, take a look at my thread on the recovery forum, titled Recovery - Take Two. I certainly wish I had done many things differently. I definitely should have gone to plan B when my H was not honest and open with me. I think it would have precluded many problems that I still have.

AM

We're just cutting to the chase for you and not wasting your time, bt. We've been there, done that, and know what not to distract you with.

This makes me cringe. What terrible advice!

What are your counselors qualifications for helping a M recover after an affair? Does she have statitistcs?

I can tell you we have seen many posters walk through the door here where their WSs affair have been thriving while they were following the advice of their MCs.

This is a puzzling statement. What part of God's work, exactly, are you supposed to be putting your faith in?

bt,

I'm Schoolbus. Not a psychologist, but that's certainly part of my educational background.

I have friends who are psychologists


Here would be some questions I would ask, if I were a polygrapher, and I've worked with them, too. (Gee, I get around, don't I?)

I've asked my H some pretty specific questions, because he was a guy who believed in the trickle-truth method of confession.


1. Did any part of your genitalia touch any part of the other woman's physical body, either through clothing or direct skin-to-skin contact?

Now that one is pretty specific, doncha know?

2. Did any part of OW's body, above or below the waist, touch any part of your body, either through clothing or direct skin-to-skin contact?

3. Did any part of your body or her body become sexually aroused during any encounter between the two of you?

4. Are you emotionally attracted to OW?

5. Are you sexually attracted to OW?


See, I've covered LOTS of ground here. tons.


No weasel room. Either he touched her or he didn't, and we have no wiggle room for oral sex, hugging, casual hugging, hair being brushed back from the face, NOTHING. Either they touched or NOT.


We can go for details after the poly - on what touched or did not touch, and why.

And then we can talk about why there was sexual arousal.





Can't really weasel out of it. Either they touched, or not.

Either he is emotionally or sexually attracted, or not.



He will pass or fail.



IMHO, you are being gaslighted. Your husband and this woman have had a physical affair - of some sort, and he failed the polygraph because of it.

You need to talk to the OW's ex-husband and find out what happened to cause their divorce. That advice is very sound - do not skip this step.

One of the most important things you are missing here is that you need to understand that your husband

LIES TO YOU.

The polygraph PROVES HE IS A LIAR.

Wayward spouses LIE.

He has already lied to you for YEARS. There is no motivation for him to STOP.......

Why would he now tell you that he has had a physical affair, after you have believed the story about it being "just an emotional affair"??????

He has sold you a bill of goods. You bought it.


He has no motivation to change the story, except any motivation that YOU put into place.

Motivate him using the MB plans of Plan A first,

a good re-exposure of the ONGOING AFFAIR that you discover using your spying techniques (I would use a good program to undelete all of the deleted emails, by the way)

and then look at planning a good Plan B.


And do not, for one moment, believe that this was an EA.

Nope.

I agree with schoolbus 100%. I went through pretty much the same thing, only with multiple OW involved, and I heard the same stuff you are hearing.

Your WH is lying. No doubt there. He is trying to bully you and guilt you into backing off and "trusting" him - which to him means, "Stop asking questions and don't worry about what I do when I'm gone, because it's really nice for me when you don't."

You are being gaslighted. Here is an MB thread on that topic:

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1954172&page=1

Of course you don't trust him. He is a proven liar. Who in their right mind trusts a liar?

Okay, so I've been pondering all the advice and exploring how to disengage from the emotional abuse.

The problem as I see it is that we have been both abusing the other in some sort of way for quite some time that I can't seem to find any feelings of admiration and affection for him. So much resentment has built up I'm wondering if I can do a Plan A with all the hurt and pain I am feeling. He claims he is hurting just as badly as I am and has his own team of people telling him that he should feel good about tha fact that HE HAS PUT UP WITH THIS FOR SO LONG!) It urcks me just to say that, but he has told me that is what his "man's Group" tells him. Yeah let's blow some more smoke up his [censored].

I've seen on other posts that I should not believe a word he says, but what if what he says is that he loves me and is willing to do whatever he *Can* to make this better, but then is defensive when I suggest we brainstorm about ways for him to change jobs?
This guy is a player, and he is playing me to the nth dergree.
My thought is that he wants me to end the marriage so that he can come out squeaky clean, well relatively squeaky anyway, his work place has already been exposed (two years ago.....)and both our family's know.. Yup, I've been attempting this on my own with the help of our counselor and it has gotten me no where...no where, just more pain everyday he walks out the door to go to work and I'm left wondering "what is he up to?"
I told him what MB's policy/recommendation is on NC and at that point he sulked, saying then there is no hope of getting over this for 4.5 years til I retire? I basically said yes.

You've been doing this waaaay too long and you are right ~ you probably can't do a good Plan A after all this time for all the reasons you've listed.

Read up on Plan B HERE.