So, you are highly imperfect, and you finally start to learn your lesson.....only to realize you have burned all your bridges at the worst possible point in life. And you can't even ask about it privately because......there is no means of fixing it privately. What do you do? Just take your medicine and.....die inside?

I'm not sure what to do.

Speaking as one flawed person to another - what's wrong?

I often feel the way you described, and I usually have to come to terms with letting it go, which is sometimes very, very hard.

But I'm fairly optimistic, so it's not my nature to become embittered, and if bridges have been burned in the past, new bridges can be built.

If I'm reading between the lines correctly...

It's just a message board. Please don't let it take up so much of your psychic energy. It's not your real life and treating it like a source of support and validation is incredibly dangerous for you. Look how you seesaw back and forth, see slights in lots of places, seek reassurance?

Not a good idea at all.

I know. I don't trust myself enough to know whether I am okay or not.....because my own thinking is....skittish a lot. I get too invested, and I cannot separate things. I would deal with it one on one or one on two.....but there isn't a way to mend any fences privately.

My mind and body are going haywire right now. Ny DH told me on our getaway that he would just rather not have SF again but he'll do it if I need it, and I don't know why my thyroid just keeps getting bigger and bigger. And whether I like it or not.....being bipolar I guess DOES make me mentally ill....as evidenced by how weird I am. I';m fine. I'm sorry worked with my DH and I hurt him in the worst way possible. I don't know what to do when truly being sorry doesn't work, doesn't....mend anything. But I guess that's the chance you take when you spew around like I do.

Call your physician first opportunity.
Things seem "off".

Things are VERY off...very very very

Are you having suicidal ideation?
Even fleeting thoughts without any concrete plan?

Luri...

Please check your email inbox...I responded to you, and I am here....

((((((((((Luri))))))))))

Mrs. W

No, pep, none of that. I've tried a certain med for two years now....time to put my foot down and insist that it isn't working. If it was working I would NOT have to work this hard. I tried it....I no likey it no more. I told DH after church this morning that I have felt nothing or felt sad for 90% of the last 2 years....enough already.

How can I "build marriage" if I am not healthy???????? And how can I help someone else if my feelings are either non-existent or all over the place????

Is this "med" actually a kind of behaviour?

I am sure that would make a lot of people feel better. But no.....I have a disease, and I DO try very hard to control it. Just like my DH checks his sugar, takes his insulin, changes the site for his pump, etc......but sometimes his sugar goes high or low anyway.

I am not perfect, and yes, sometimes I (like pretty much everyone I know) get emotional and say things I should have thought through. But no.....it isn't just a stubborn character flaw. And it isn't some warped desire to make people angry. Because to be honest....I cannot stand it when people are angry with me, when I know I have hurt them, and when no matter how sincerely I apologize I know I have been written off.

So yes, I need to be vigilant, and I need to take responsibility when I react from mood or emotion....but no, it isn't all about me just being a b*****.

I used a word someone doesn't like. Sometimes I feel like people still see a scarlet A when they look at me. My DH has no libido, so romancing him and keeping the house clean does NOT make him want to jump me, and I get frustrated because it "doesn't work." But......

I don't know. There will always be people who just don't like me AT ALL. And there are people in the world who - like my brother - once you have used up your "oopses," you are "dead to them." I just have to get used to it.

But it's good to know I'm not completely crazy.... I really HAVE completely alienated a few people.

People here? Can you show me proof of that? Because I don't think you have...I don't think you realize how many friends you have here...Would it surprise you to know that many of us think about you and pray for you often? Because that is the truth, Luri...

It is OBVIOUS that you "get it"...Seriously, it's BLATANTLY OBVIOUS...REALLY...

AND...Everything in life is not "all or nothing" -- Meaning, people CAN disagree with something you say or do and still like you -- people CAN get mad at you and still like you...

{{{{{{{{{{Luri}}}}}}}}}}

Mrs. W

Chit.
I too have alienated more than a few people.
I don't care.

TW,

In trying to be cryptic my post did not say what I wanted it to say. I apologise for offending you. I know that you have an illness.

I was trying to ask whether the "med" you have been trying for two years was your trying to make your H desire you more. I was wondering if you were at the end of your tether today because this "behaviour" was not working.

I absolutely did not mean to imply that your illness is some kind of act.

QFT. Luri, I posted to a FWW a few weeks ago and referenced yet another FWW that I "thought a lot of" (or words to that effect). The other FWW that I was talking about was you.

Yes.....definitely a huge spiritual side. And I have been "feeding the wrong dog" (old well-known analogy reference). I keep coming back here every time I wig because......I NEED consistency. I NEED absolutes. I NEED....a truth that doesn't change. No matter how "intellectual" I may or not be.....My life just has to center on Someone and something unchanging.

And yes, SC.....I have spent a long long time trying to do gymnastics and make myself something that will "flip that switch." And because I was so fixated on "fixing" something....I have sometimes taken all the joy out of just GIVING to my DH. And not seen what he gives to me. Yes, this "mismatch" hurts at times....but I wonder if it doesn't have to hurt as much as I make it hurt.

Once all this med stuff and biposy stuff gets answered, maybe my mind will be consistently clear enough to see the other stuff. I knew DH wasn't touchy touchy when I married him and that I am.....but I just loved him so darn much it worked for awhile. maybe because I was more grateful, more centered, less self-gazing all the time. The BP lends itself to even more self- gazing (how do I feel? Did I sleep? Am I manic/depressed/nothing?)

Just philosophizing. I really DON'T want people to feel like this "I really do like luri" pile- on. I just need to learn to tame my tongue (fingers) when I am emotional, because when my words hurt somebody else or I bruise somebody else in the wake of my ruminations....I don't like that. That is not like Jesus.

And a goofy, honest, godly maybe a bit older woman friend with skin on who lives local I think would be good for me. I need some Titus 2.

Oh, I don't go throwing around the "I likes" to people - they have to earn my "like."

But it occurred to me that there are posters on here that I've read, and grown to be fond of, and have never really posted to. Or in response to. Or posted about. It's like we're in a large social room, you know? And there are groups of people chatting in small clutches throughout this room. Some of the little clutches you get to. Others you miss. Or you swing by them and it sounds like the conversation is too far in for you to jump in. I've always found you at that point in the thread, so I've read and have rarely responded directly to you.

But geez, Luri, I've taken a lot from your posts. So, no pile-on from me, and I suspect there's no pile-on from anyone else.

{{{Luri}}}

Excepting maybe a great big ol' pile-on of LUUUURVE!

I agree w/ Pep. Please get in to see your doc and tackle any medication issues you can. It sounds like there are a number of factors at play, and that can be stressful. Please do what you can to minimize that stress and be the best you you can be.

And...I hope you realize that you have a huge number of friends and supporters here who can help you through that.

Tawandabell,

I really appreciate your POV and the SF struggles you've gone through with your DH make me realize I can go down this path with my DH.

Steph