Depression, well lets see..

I would get depressed, and even went to counseling before, beliveing I was to blame.

Every time I went though, and even when I took the medications, it did not stop WW from doing whatever she wanted without consequesnces.

One of the most devious was when she had been hiding a heroin addiction, dissapearing a few nights a week, started asking me what kind of sex men like, gave herself landing strip shave job, and wondered why I was depressed.

I guess it was working a high physical job I had no business doing with my age and health, and still being bullchited into believing it was my fault, as soon as we hit the lottery we would...

I knew we had a problem no amount of money would ever fix.

But I went to the therapist, and this guy was a wimp also, acted tough but really didnt believe she had anything to do with my problems. If he knew what she was doing, he would have told me to leave. She knew how to get around in the counselors office, and all the right acts. She didn't want me to go, she just wanted me to continue to take it, like I did so many times before. Sadly, I was used to living under this kind of emotional supression, and yes I was depressed, and had all the symptoms, but it wasn't chemical. The drugs couldn't fix the problem either, just like money wouldn't.

I went to a few counselors over the years, but when it came time to have my W come in, she would never go. I was convinced that even though I had no problem with counseling personally, and felt it was healthy to have a professional to bounce stuff off of, I was more interested in her getting counseling. It was the only way to get her to go really.

I recognized she needed help as soon as I found out she had an alcohol problem, years ago. All the time I went to counselors, it was to open the door for her, and being as honest and open to them as I could, she would hide and not open up, and she was hiding something from me allways.

Its tragic but funny, this one..

When I found out she had a heroin addiction, that she had been hiding for two years, and decided to leave me for someone she met, I still took the blame, and went to a counselor, for diagnosis, and hope they would cut through the crap and deal with her addiction too.

I spewed out everything that I wondered and doubted myself for, and of course i was in really bad shape then too, having got hurt at work and losing my job, now living on unemployment and waiting for workmans comp to settle. Now I find out she is really slipping off.

Well I got diagnosed with Bi-polar, and personality disorder. This young guy just heard what I said, as I brought up all the thoughts my wife told me to, and saw a problem. I probably would have said the same thing if I had his training I would probably suspect the same thing.

The psychiatrist who talked to me and prescribed lithium answered all my questions, and told me that from what he heard, that this was likely what was the problem. He was basing his diagnosis from symtoms, no scientific tests, blood work came back good, all that.

I asked him why was I able to accomplish so much in awful circumstances if I have allways had this problem, as he had suspected? His answer..

"Your high intelligence and Moral standards kept you from the worst of it."

Well I was taught to think before I acted, and not to react, that God would be there even when I couldn't see him, and that love never fails. The gentle way was the right way, there was nothing to fear if you fought against fear and ignorance.

When I had stress it wore me down, but I still kept getting up and doing what I was supposed to do, and learning as I went along. Success was not money and position, it was living right and serving my fellow man with a passion. The trials and tribulations were par for the course of life. So in these times of stress it was a sickness that made my imagination run with my thoughts? When the neighbor 9 yr old stuck a loaded 12 ga. in my face,(I was 11 then), and the town cop didn't do anything about it, my backing down and it effecting me with fear was sickness? It was over a football game I disagreed with him about. I sought peace, calmed him down, and we remained friends. He had a tough upbringing, I understood. But wasn't my fear circumstancial?

So now my wife, who was also someone brought up in bad circumstances, but had made mistakes that she was sorry for and repented before God as she knew Him, was returning to a lifestyle that had allways meant death to her. Its allways spiritual, then mental, then physical. Now at this time I saw her running away to a fool who was also an addict that she could bullchit, to certain death, because of her fear of becoming her Mom. I saw this and I was kinda "feelin bad", ya know? And this was because I was Bi-polar? I slipped into the most depressing self doubt at this time, and it was not circumstanial either?

Looking back I can see I carried the symtoms from her disease. Thats what I get for taking the blame for her problems, I get the symptoms. Thats what I get for trying to be God for someone. I took out my brass ones and like the Old testement tradition of hold them in my hand while making a testimony to truth,(testicle=testimony?), I gave it all to protect my wife and children, and not only did she not care or respect that, but used the phsycologist terms of the day, (which she didn't beleive in mind you, because she wouldn't see one for drinking and those issues), to be how she would escape into some kind of fantasy, and blame me. Its not the shrinks fault that she used him and my messed up wife still was clueless as to what the truth was, being swayed by her addict friends. But he didn't do her any favors either.

I allways took my meds but they never really did a lot, just made me tired and spacy if anything. Never any strong reactions. I felt something with the lithium, the rest next to nothing.

There are people who turn to drug abuse to medicate themselves out of emotional illness, sometimes under duress beyond their control, sometimes from mental illness, sometimes from habits developed as coping mechanisms. I understand that, but when you have a chance to see a doctor and avoid putting know poisons in your body, even have a spouse or support from people who are understanding, I don't know the magic bullit that fixes that. I wish I had never taken on the job of being my wifes counselor and caretaker, and I have suffered for doing so. Its gonna be years till I recover fully, but I got what I asked for. Never again of course, but I still remember the good things that were there, the times when we were one. What we were fighting for. I so wished she had went to a counselor to search out her fear, and find out how to fight it, like all people, she was worth it, and we were too.

The counselor can only help if the patient is honest, and many times the patients are not honest with themselves. Also, they are limited in understanding every nook and cranny the mind can crawl to, because they cannot think for us 24/7 either.


In the end the best counsellor for yourself is you, as you figure out your own thoughts and plans for your life. Of course God is the best, and best friend, we will ever know, able to cover all ground pertinent to humanity and its weaknesses. He is not some taskmaster waiting for you to mess up so he can hurt you, and wants to give us all good things. Its people that are screwed up.

Have her checked out, but do your own research also. Your understanding will go far in healing her, if and when she is open to it.

God Bless LostM

Very true, well said CP.

That's the challenge for WS though, isn't it. They need to be open and honest, but an A requires the opposite. I think that's one of my WW's issues. She used to have this strong sense of right and wrong, but how do you reconcile that with having an affair. She used the word justification last night, so I guess in her mind, it was okay. Fogbabble is weird.

Depression was hard enough to deal with, throwing an A in the mix...WOW

I think that this is why she is not ready to go see the counselor again. She went once and she really didn't have a choice. Ive been asking her to go again and at first it was a "fine ill go" which meant she was doing what others were telling her with an ill attitude. After talking with her a while she told me shes not ready to go, but she will when she is ready.

Maybe this is some logic going on in her mind that she will go once she is ready to start receiving guidance.

How can spouses stay so focused on doing the right thing when kids are involved? i mean i want my family together, but when i she such an uphill battle im starting to feel really weak. Ive been strong for the kids but the wife and i seem so far apart at the moment.......man what an ordeal.

Yeah, that's the problem when people need help but just don't see it. You might approach the counseling not from the marriage standpoint, but from the kids point of view.

Maybe, "I'm worried how the kids are handling this and would like the see someone about how we can help them through this. I don't want you to talk about anything that you don't want to talk about, but I think we could both use some unbiased advice on how best to work with the kids--they've already noticed something's up and I'm a little overwhelmed and don't want to cause them stress or worry. I really need your help with this."

Worth a shot--any counselor worth their salt will go after the marriage and any underlying depression, but if she's not hearing these "fixes" from you then that would be a plus.

i will talk to the counselor about this next time. We didn't get to far as he wanted to hear my side the first session and that went way over. I'm going to schedule another one in a week or so and hopefully she will be on board about going for herself by then.

This might just get you to the table, but remember to work on your marriage issues as soon as possible, because kids who see thier parents unhappy,(And they know it too), are not happy either. The core of the problems are with your marriage relationship, and what it is supposed to be, instaed of what it has become.

Hang in there LostM

Agreed

Well i want her to go when she will hear what the counselor is saying instead of having an attitude. I think she is ready and needs it, but getting her there may be a different story. im just more frustrated every day.

she did leave notes for all the kids yesterday that she loved them and missed them, so maybe there is start.

I talked to her today via text and im stumped. She is not ready to come home but wants to see the boys this weekend. I asked her if she was coming home at all and she said she is back and forth on the matter. (WTF) i asked her why and she said she really doesnt know why. She still swears there is no contact with om i believe her. She said she is still confused and lost. I told her that i still love her, need her and miss her and the same for the boys. I was serious about making changes in our lives to make things better and i have already Told her that when she came home it would be us working together to make our marriage stronger, not what everyone else wants or thinks we should be doing. I asked her to meet me tonite.

at first She was taken back and didnt know what to say. Finally she said that she was thinking about all the things i said and that she would maybe see me sunday when she sees the kids.

Next time she asks, and if you don't want to send the kids off, just say that y'all have plans. If she presses for what they are, be vague and upbeat...

"Oh, we had been talking about getting out this weekend, it's supposed to be nice weather. [Acting like it's a very minor inconvenience, but you're happy to pencil her in] Ummm, not sure what the schedule is right now, but you can come by if you like. Just give us a call once you figure out what your plans are. Anyways, I got to go, [chuckle here] you kind of caught me at a bad time. Talk to you later." And then hang up.

The message being that you and the kids have got other things going on, that you aren't just waiting by the phone for her to call, but that you're not showing anger or bitterness, either. That you hadn't really thought about including her--golly gee, must have slipped your mind! But, since she mentioned it, why not, sounds like a good idea.

I wouldn't want to give her (or the kids) the idea that "visitation" is being validated or accepted.

Well that is kinda how it went lol. She wanted to meet sunday and i told her we had plans. She was "Oh okay well maybe after that then". THen she told me she may come by tomorrow night and i said "ya thats not going to work as im going out with a friend and the kids have a sitter. So she is feeling a bit of what you are saying, Followed by im glad your doing that and have fun.

Good job, sounds like you conveyed the message then.

Artful application of the "stick" of Plan A is in order. WW cannot have an OM, an independent life, and a life supported by a husband.

Apply the stick.

well i went out with BIL on friday night and for kicks i went by the place she was staying and she was gone. Long story short she was with OM. I;ve had it. I chewed on hew for about 30 min. and all she could say was she was lost and confused. I told her to make a decision and that i was done trying. The door was shut but not locked. Let her know if she came home her life would basically be hell for a while and it was now up to her to save the marriage. If she wants a D i told her i would go to the lawyer on monday and get it started. I really dont think she new what to say.

I cannot put up with this crap any longer. I havnt heard from her since, but there are plans for the kids to see her today. This is a bad idea, but my hands are tied on the matter.

So frustrated with her and all the hurt she has put me through. She said she was sorry several times, but she is messed up and im tired of trying to ger her head out her uknowwhat and back in the home.

what im i to do? I meant it if she was ready for a D. I will take the steps as soon as i can. I meant it if she is ready to come home. This is big decision time for her. Any advice? She has been going over counselor info, but still wont see him. She also seemed to be doing better as the week went on then this happened. oh yeah she called him.

I haven't read your whole thread so keep that in mind. Have you thought about going to Plan B? It's not something you just decide to do and jump in. It will take some planning to get everything arranged, but it sounds to me as if your Love Bank is nearing zero. Plan B is not a magic bullet and not to be taken lightly or used as a means of manipulation. It's for YOU.

Long story short she was with OM.....If she wants a D I told her I would go to the lawyer on monday and get it started.

Whether or not she has the scraps of integrity left to state that she wants your marriage over (and I'm betting she doesn't) she has obviously made her choice.

Disengage from her lunacy. File. Be done with the madness. Save what you still can of your family's hope for a decent future.

First of all I would not file. I would make her do it if she wants to, this way you get more of a chance of custody, plus you are still in the beginning stages of her affair drama. You could still recover.

Go to Plan B, which is where you are anyways basically, but it is a step for you because you wont see or hear anything about her, or be in no-decision limbo. Like PM said above, it is for you, and so at least one person keeps thier head on straight.

Plan B is supposed to be just like a divorce in appearence and function. she has to leave, can never call or contact you in anyway, and all communication reguarding children, bills, or other responsiblitys are handled though Intermediarys.

You never have to see her again, and can start to heal yourself. Of course the plan is made with the idea that you might take her back if she follows certain requirements you dictate, which you should spell out clearly in what we call a Plan B letter, and if she doesn't agree with it, she never need bother to tell the IMs that she is ready.

I would say Plan B for you and your Kids sake, give her every chance to get it together and come home, as you take some time to figure out what you really want from a marriage with her. I know, it will take brass ones to figure this out and deal with it, but you and your children will see and learn that you did everything you could to restore her, and your conscience will be cleaner for the children, and I believe before God also.

Go plan B and go ahead and file. You can always stop the D later.

Save what little might be in you LB$ right now.

Take BIL and go back to POSOM for one last talking to. He lied like a rug too. He's just out for an easy vulnerable piece.