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Step out of the cycle. Tell him honestly and compassionately "I see that you're unhappy right now and don't want to talk. I would love to talk and cuddle with you once you're feeling better. I'll be in the living room reading."

You don't have to let him control what you do, you can't make him feel better when he feels like crap but you don't have to let it under your skin either. I've been ill for days, I'm incredibly grumpy when I'm ill, I don't sleep and get so tired and still have to care for the kids when he is working because he can't take sick days unless HE is sick. Thankfully my hubby just tries to understand, he doesn't keep on at me to talk to him or to do anything with him, when he's home he potters about doing his own thing and just being available whenever I need to be near him or want to talk or cuddle.

You can honestly tell him what needs of yours are going unmet, and what you would like but assuming he is punishing you is a DJ. You don't know why he feels the way he does or what he is thinking.

If him ignoring you hurts your feelings then calmly state that, "I really feel hurt when you don't answer me." You could ask him when he's feeling well and happy to work out a code word where he can let you know what he needs without having to spell it out if he's struggling.


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You have a roommate? How's that working out? Is it a guy or a girl? Has it been a problem, perhaps one you have been blind to?


Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
(Oscar Wilde)
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Originally Posted by CWMI
You have a roommate? How's that working out? Is it a guy or a girl? Has it been a problem, perhaps one you have been blind to?

Roommate is 35 years my senior, female. The house has an attic apartment with a kitchenette, bedroom, bathroom, and living room. That's my portion, my 'Roommate' has the bottom portion of the house. We don't have to interact with my roommate, if we don't want to.

While my husband travels through the week my roommate and I spend a lot of time together, but when he's home we don't see as much of each other. And, when her boyfriend is in town we don't spend as much time together. Once he's home full time we're going to look for a bigger place, but right now we're pretty happy with the situation. The roommate keeps me sane, and we pet sit for each other when we travel and such. Hubby thinks she's strange (she is LOL), but she and I and the 7 cats get along just fine when he's out of town.


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Originally Posted by Rosycheeks
Step out of the cycle. Tell him honestly and compassionately "I see that you're unhappy right now and don't want to talk. I would love to talk and cuddle with you once you're feeling better. I'll be in the living room reading."

...

You can honestly tell him what needs of yours are going unmet, and what you would like but assuming he is punishing you is a DJ. You don't know why he feels the way he does or what he is thinking.

If him ignoring you hurts your feelings then calmly state that, "I really feel hurt when you don't answer me." You could ask him when he's feeling well and happy to work out a code word where he can let you know what he needs without having to spell it out if he's struggling.

Yes, assuming he's punishing me is a DJ. It's still hard *not* to feel that way, though.

Thank you for the ideas. I talk all the time, when I'm stressed I talk more, when I'm sick I talk more, unless I'm too sick to talk, but that doesn't happen real often. wink

It's always nice to get another perspective.


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Originally Posted by HopefulNC
Clicker training! rotflmao


Hey, you can laugh, but there's a reason clicker training is probably the most popular method among professional animal trainers. Positive reinforcement gets results!

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Originally Posted by Helianthus
Originally Posted by HopefulNC
Clicker training! rotflmao


Hey, you can laugh, but there's a reason clicker training is probably the most popular method among professional animal trainers. Positive reinforcement gets results!

I clicker train horses and have taught and trained as a pro. wink



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Just got back in town today after a 3 day weekend together on the Outer Banks of NC. Very nice, quiet weekend. We spent most of the time just hanging out, went to the Aquarium (very cool!) and for Valentines Day he got my nails done... I've been wanting to get them done for a while.

Overall we had a good weekend, but he's been really short tempered lately and using lots of AO. I've tried really, really hard to not respond in a negative way, but I do calmly tell him that his treatment is unacceptable. And, I told him it feels like he's punishing me for his misfortunes. I'm going to schedule a session with the Harleys for us this week.

The majority of our issues, IMO, stem from the fact that we can't negotiate. We both want things done our way and are convinced that we know best. Which is great, and we're both really great people, great employees that don't need micromanaging. But, we're not that great as spouses go. We're both too independent and too forceful of our own opinions.

I've mentioned several times about our dog, we could *never* come to any agreement whether to put the dog to sleep, rehome the dog, or take him to the relatively nice county shelter. The dog made that decision when he tried to eat my roommate's cat and the roommate kicked the dog out. But, he isn't willing to negotiate and find something that we're both enthusiastic over. We're completely failing in some instances with POJA. Somedays, we're good, somedays we're okay, somedays I'm DJing, he's AO, and I'm crying.

I feel like part of his issue right now is I'm undergoing tests for infertility. We've hit our out of pocket this year and I want to know if we can conceive or not. I think not, and if not, then I'm planning to get spayed. He's said several times that I'm making plans without him, but we've talked about it and he's enthusiastic about me doing the tests, so I don't see what plans he's talking about? The having kids part? The not having kids part? Even with my current birth control I'm strugging with pain everyday and every time we have SF.

My health is also really scarry for me and I've been clingy and upset over the general state of my health. I have Lupus and RA, I struggle with being healthy and pain free. I'm going through my first severe flair in 10 years, the first time he's seen me like this. Along with the constant pain, the painkillers, comes the depression and the fear. He's the only person that really sees that fear, and I think it scares him to see me like that. I'm tough and strong and don't need anyone... and, right now I'm trying to lean on him, but it's hard for both of us because the more I need him the more he's withdrawing from me. It's not unusual for me to cry at a movie or cry over getting my feelings hurt, but the sitting on the couch everynight and crying for an hour is frightening for him (I think) and unnerving for me. It's my wallowing time and it keeps me sane the rest of the time. Very few people - him and my long time best friend - know me well enough to know just how low I am, and I should probably pursue getting an anti-depressant, but I have a history of drug reactions and haven't found one I can tolerate without crazy side effects. I hurt 100% of the time and it's really taking it's toll on me and on us and I'm not the enthusiastic, chipper, always bubbly person I usually am. That's affecting us as a couple for sure...

He also wants me to have some enhancement surgery for him, which on top of the above issues is just devestating to me. I asked him how he'd feel if I told him he needed enhancement? I feel inadequate as his wife and inadequate to provide him SF. I feel like he doesn't want me like I am and I don't want to pursue this surgery to please him.

Today I just feel like I want to curl up and cry. I'm getting ready to head home from work, since I took the weekend off I had to come in and work for a while. But, I just feel done for, done in, and in some ways I don't want to lean on him because I'm afraid he's not able to handle it and give me what I need.

Last edited by HopefulNC; 02/13/11 09:42 PM.

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Another update - it's been a few weeks since I've posted.

I'm thrilled with our progress and overall relationship. In hindsight, I don't think we were this happy way back when we first started dating.

My health is improving, thankfully! And, we're both handling it much better than we had been. I'm going to talk to my doctor about antidepresants because I'm stuck in a funk, not sleeping well, and really struggling, but I'm no longer crying every night and am dealing pretty well with my day to day life again.

I've rescheduled all of my doctor's appts for days when he's home at his request because he wants to go with me. He doesn't like going with me, but he offered to go to support me.

We are doing better using POJA, but I still think we need a few sessions with a professional. That's once again gotten put on hold due to some auto repair bills.

There's a level of intimacy and trust between us that's never been there before.

We still struggle sometimes, but we no longer fight and argue, we're more respectful, we're more loving, there's enough trust for us to share our thoughts and the other person take them to heart. I've found new reasons to fall in love with my husband, he's an amazing man and I'm so blessed to have him in my life.

We are traveling a lot this spring due to family and volunteer commitments, but we're doing it together. We're looking at long term lease on a farm now, our finances are fully combined, we're making plans to try for a baby... I'm a lucky woman!


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Congrats! Maybe you need a new title for the thread?

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Originally Posted by Enlightened_Ex
Congrats! Maybe you need a new title for the thread?

I don't know how to change it, do I email the mods?


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In my opinion, you should keep the thread name. In the future, you can then go back and see how far you've come.

(My own thread title was Sleepless_in_VA. I am now sleeping quite well, thank you). smile


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Originally Posted by HopefulNC
He also wants me to have some enhancement surgery for him, which on top of the above issues is just devestating to me. I asked him how he'd feel if I told him he needed enhancement? I feel inadequate as his wife and inadequate to provide him SF. I feel like he doesn't want me like I am and I don't want to pursue this surgery to please him.


Dr. Harley has said that no spouse should ever have to have enhancement surgery to meet their spouse's need for attractive spouse. I remember him saying on a thread on this board that he considers that a sign of a spouse having unrealistic expectations. I can't remember the thread though. Does anyone else remember what I'm talking about?


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Originally Posted by Rosycheeks
Dr. Harley has said that no spouse should ever have to have enhancement surgery to meet their spouse's need for attractive spouse. I remember him saying on a thread on this board that he considers that a sign of a spouse having unrealistic expectations. I can't remember the thread though. Does anyone else remember what I'm talking about?

It's relatively minor, outpatient procedure, but it still makes me feel just... not good enough. I'm not fat, I'm not ugly, this is something that he and I will be the only ones to see, but I'm immune compromised and any surgery carries higher risks with me than with someone else. We've talked about it at length and if our insurance will cover it for medical reasons (and it should, it's something that bothers me but isn't bad enough for me to get fixed) then I might do it, but if it doesn't then no dice. Or I might wait until after children, since I hear that area remodels after kids.


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I do have a question that's been bothering me, and this might deserve it's own thread. SF has been lacking for about 6 weeks. So, I can't seem to approach this issue between us without someone getting hurt or angry.

- he's had health problems in the past and been seen for them. They come and go, but the doctor he saw last time didn't do anything, he was allergic to the meds, and the doctor wouldn't change them. I think we need a new doctor, he wants to just drop it and not go to the doctor.

- he snores terribly, sleeps poorly, and has been referred for a sleep study that he won't go for because he doesn't want to pay for it. I bought him a Snorguard that he's been wearing that's helped some, but he's still tired all the time.

- he keeps saying if I do X it'll improve our SF - if I keep myself shaved, wear 'nice' underwear, dress up, but it's hard for me to enthusiastically do those things because he's not always in the mood, then I get hurt or I put pressure on him, and it doesn't go well. He doesn't like it when I ask him if we are or aren't, because it 'ruins the mood'. I have no issue going all out and dressing up for him, but I don't want to dress up, get my hopes up, and then get turned down. By not going well I mean either he out right says he's not in the mood or we try for SF and it's obvious he's not in the mood. When he's in the mood the SF is mindblowing.

- This morning when I tried to bring it up again he got really upset and said that maybe there was something wrong and he wasn't ready to face it and I need to back off and be patient.

- He's also told me several times in our relationship and most recently this week that he's bored with our SF and needs to spice it up. Quite frankly, I'm running out of ways to spice it up. We're really adventerous, as adventerous as two people can be. The things we haven't tried are because he won't try them, not because I'm not willing. And, I don't understand being bored with your spouse. I just can't wrap my mind around that one.

I've heard from many people IRL and some here that when the desire for SF changes it means there's someone else, which is leading me down a road I don't want to go down. I looked over our phone bill, all of our checking/savings/credit accounts and see nothing out of the ordinary. He's not protective of his phone or PC and his history on his PC wasn't out of the ordinary ( I had to pay for some things with his PC Thursday and went into history to get to Ebay like I always do).

We have discussed the SF topic without any AO, DJ, or SD, but I always end up crying. Always. I don't know what to say to get him to see that by ignoring this issue he's forcing me to live a more celibate lifestyle than I want to.

I know we're both concerned because gas prices and his job - another 1.00 on the gallon and he's going to have to quit his job because it'll be costing us for him to work. I am *elated* at that possibility and can temporarily cover all of our bills, but it's cutting things too close for him to see this as a viable option. The plan is for him to put his notice in once I get a promotion - within the next 3 - 4 months, so it's just changing our time table a bit and we're banking on the overtime at work holding out so I can pay all the bills. If I'm not making overtime I can't cover all of our bills (2 house payments, 1 car payment, insurance, health insurance, cell phone, and utilities at both residences, and two horse board bills). We really can't strip much from our budget - the horses aren't leasable due to age/condition, the house back home isn't rentable until is remodeled and that requires $$$, it's too far for me to commute, and I can't get a job in my field back home, so I have to be in this area I'm in now. Our cell phones are basic, no extras, and the car is 5 years old and was $11,000, I drive a beater, and our utilities aren't outragous.

And, I'm going through fertility tests and it seems like things got weird between us for SF when the fertility stuff started. I get the feeling that he wants to want a baby, but he's not ready. I know we need to wait a year or two, but I want to know now if I probably can or probably can't, and then we need to decide from there.

I feel like when we POJA things that are really important to one of us that the other one may not be really truthful about their feelings - like the fertility stuff.

We're happier than we've ever been. We haven't been ugly over this, and I'm proud of that. It's hard for me to let it go and not worry about it, because I don't want to put pressure on him for SF because he's not feeling well/possibly sick, but it's so normal to reach for him and make advances.


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Married the very best man in the world 04/06/2013 after being common law for too long. I'm a lucky woman.
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A few things..
Just because you don't see anything in the history doesn't mean your husband is on the up and up. You can delete parts of your internet history. Your husband can also browse "in private," which means that web sites and what not don't show up in your history.

So, you POJA'ed the fertility stuff? Why do you think your husband isn't open with you about that? What does he need from you so that he does feel safe enough to be open/honest with you? Why do you need to know now about your fertility issues? Do they have to do with general health problems? Does your insurance cover infertility diagnostics?

There's a book, I think called 52 nights of great sex or some such thing, where half of the book is for the man and half is for the woman. I know it's been recommended here before.


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Originally Posted by inrecoverynow
A few things..
Just because you don't see anything in the history doesn't mean your husband is on the up and up. You can delete parts of your internet history. Your husband can also browse "in private," which means that web sites and what not don't show up in your history.

I'm a programmer, I'm pretty confident the history hadn't been funked with. I wasn't specifically looking for his history when I was looking, but it was in correct order, no big gaps, and when I've been on his PC recently there was nothing out of order that I could note.

Quote
So, you POJA'ed the fertility stuff? Why do you think your husband isn't open with you about that? What does he need from you so that he does feel safe enough to be open/honest with you? Why do you need to know now about your fertility issues? Do they have to do with general health problems? Does your insurance cover infertility diagnostics?

We did POJA the fertility stuff in January and I thought we were both happy with it, but everytime I bring an appointment up or mention it he brings up that we need to wait to have children. And, I ask him if he's okay with the fertility tests and he says he's fine with it. But, I really don't think he is. I don't know how to make him feel safe enough to be O&H with me on this. He really wanted kids and I didn't when we met, then we both did, now I feel like he doesn't. But, he won't come out and say that he does or doesn't. He has brought up the testing because if I can't have kids then I'll probably get spayed which should take care of a lot of the pain I have, and that's a plus. In January we'd even set out a timeline for what we'd do when with regards to the tests, come of BC, not trying/not preventing, and then finally ttc. I've waffled and cried and struggled with it because I don't know that I can handle going through more miscarriages, but I know he wanted kids and I'd like to have 1 child.

I have Lupus, Rheumatoid Arthiritis, possible Endometriosis, and migraines. If we want to have a child in 2 years then I need to go ahead and make plans career wise to be able to take several months off for bed rest, we need to start trying meds and treatments that I can handle while I'm pregnant. With Lupus suprise pregnancies aren't good. And, there's a chance that one of my doc's will strongly discourage me having kids. We've decided that if it's life threatening danger to me then we'll not ever try and we'll pursue 100% BC so there's no chance.

Quote
There's a book, I think called 52 nights of great sex or some such thing, where half of the book is for the man and half is for the woman. I know it's been recommended here before.

I've seen it. (TMI Warning) We're pretty well versed in positions, **edit** Everytime he pushes because he's 'bored' we open our horizons a bit, but I really feel like there's nothing to open our horizons up to that doesn't include other people or other 'hard limits' we're not going to push and change.


Last edited by Fireproof; 03/14/11 12:23 PM. Reason: TOS vulgar

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I would push on the sleep study. If he has sleep apnea he is probably so tired that it may be affecting SF. He may be "sleeping" for 8 hours but if you have sleep apnea you are waking up every few minutes to breathe, basically. My DH has it and he was taking 1-2 naps per weekend day because he was so tired. I suggested that he may have sleep apnea and he must have been miserable enough that he actually went to the doctor within the week and got referred for a sleep study. Now he uses a CPAP machine to keep his airway open and both of us are happy about the lack of snoring.

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Originally Posted by wannabophim
I would push on the sleep study. If he has sleep apnea he is probably so tired that it may be affecting SF.

I got him a SnorGuard that he wears when he's home and it prevents the snoring, but it's not comfortable.

I'll continue to pursue the Sleep Apnea route. I worry about his health more than worrying about not having SF.


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It's been a few weeks since I've updated. We've got another physical scheduled for both of us to get a referral to the sleep study again so our insurance will pay for it. We'll see what comes of this.

We agreed to take a week or two off from even attempting SF, crazy and spend time meeting the other 3 needs and see where we are. This weekend we're going out of town to judge project books, next weekend we're painting his mom's house.

I was really rude to DH last week and took my frustration out on him over not feeling well, having too much to do, and just life in general. He asked me if I still wanted to be with him or if I'd decided I wanted out. Poor guy.

I've gained so much weight and am working on losing it, but it's a slow process and DH wants to 'help' me diet. I can't handle that and he doesn't understand why I don't want his 'help'. It's something I have to do on my own without his help.



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Originally Posted by HopefulNC
It's been a few weeks since I've updated. We've got another physical scheduled for both of us to get a referral to the sleep study again so our insurance will pay for it. We'll see what comes of this.

We agreed to take a week or two off from even attempting SF, crazy and spend time meeting the other 3 needs and see where we are. This weekend we're going out of town to judge project books, next weekend we're painting his mom's house.

I was really rude to DH last week and took my frustration out on him over not feeling well, having too much to do, and just life in general. He asked me if I still wanted to be with him or if I'd decided I wanted out. Poor guy.

I've gained so much weight and am working on losing it, but it's a slow process and DH wants to 'help' me diet. I can't handle that and he doesn't understand why I don't want his 'help'. It's something I have to do on my own without his help.

Or it's something you can do together by changing the way you eat.

Learn to cook healthy, low cal meals together.

Hello? UA opportunity?

twoxfour


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"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer

"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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