Well...This has been a long road. After finding out that my ....wife cheated on me..after 13 years and 4 kids. She cheated with her brothers best friend. I have posted my story here a few months ago.
Here is the new turn of events..we have been having a real good time together. We just had a party at our house and just really bond well together..we always have. We are like soul mates..with 4 wonderful..still young daughters. She says she loves me dearly...has no interest in being single at all and loves cuddling..me holding her..really everything about us. EXCEPT.. apparently the affair she had was really exciting and passionate for her. She says she wants to but has no sexual desire for me. She longs for that passion and attraction that she had when she had the affair. She says she really misses that feeling.She has no interest at all in making out with me or anything that is sexual. It has been 5 months since the affair. She swears she has not seen him and does not want to...she just misses that feeling of passion.
I am well above average in the looks department and body department...I get alot of attention from women..just simply want it from my wife.
Again she says she really wishes that she had not had the affair because it has messed her head up. Now she is wondering if she should just let us keep loving each other and just except that she will never have passion with me as we have "too much baggage" together..or she has been entertaining the idea of trying to search for "that feeling". She said it was hot and passionate and they bonded?
I have..as I am at this moment..really considering moving out and moving in with a friend. I am so hurt that she..one cheated on me..and two...has no sexual interest in me.
I love you so much..almost like a best friend. What the hell does that mean?
She is 40 and I am 47..not young kids anymore. She does not want me to leave..she says I am like her "old comfortable shoe"
??? Not real comfortable to me.
Please give me some advice on what to do. I am really over all of this crap. I am miserable. I have no trust in her at all and have been broken to pieces. Will passion ever return? Will she ever be attracted sexually to me again? Is it time to call this relationship knowing that my kids will be devastated?
Other than going to counseling..which we will probably do..what is the answer? So hurt and so confused.

Beafea

I read through your previous thread, and I don't wish to bash you but I think it is important that you are honest about your status here, so that you deal with it as it actually is. People posting to you also appreciate honesty about your situation, so that they can advise accordingly.

You are not married to this woman. She is not your wife. You have been living together for a long time.

You have never made clear how many of the children were hers from a previous relationship and how many are yours together. Please give us that information now.

Was she married to the father of her older children? Why did that marriage end, if so?

You are right...I am not married to her. It was late in the morning and I already had said that we were not married before and thought it was just too much to go into again..but yes we are not married. Actually that can lead into this...she was re-wearing our engagement ring that she took off in October and she just took it back off about 3 days ago. She said that she loved me tremendously and does not want to split up and the idea of being single scares her...but..she feels that she has no passion or romantic feelings for me..she wants too but she said she feels dead inside. She loves for me to hold her and be here for her but she misses that feeling of connection she had with the guy she slept with. Again almost like best friends..she connects me with our kids and all the baggage that we have been through. She really does not want to break up our family and would be happy living like roomates. She says she feels like marrying me is the "safe" bet and wonders if she is just settling..like I am her old comfotable shoe. Just don't think she is attracted to me? I am Dad..not her "no baggage lover"....
We have 3 girls together 8'10'and 12...the 15 yr old I have been raising since she was 2 yrs old. I am her dad in every aspect..just not by blood.
Not sure where we go from here..we get along incredible...except for my outburst when I go into my moods..all related to her cheating on me...guess building trust is much easier said that done. I suck at it...I am trying. I limit my outburst now to maybe every other week and try to keep them calm. Is time the only thing that fixes this stuff? It has been since November. To her she says it seems like forever..to me it seems like last week.
So in a nutshell...We have been working through this..she says she loves me greatly and does not want to split up our family..yet has no romantic or sexual feelings for me. She wonders if they will come back in time. Next she says she misses the connection between her affair partner and wished the connection was with me. She is open to going to see a counselor together..she wonders if her growing up without love in a divorced family has alot to do with her being so wishy washy.
Where do I go from here? Demand we get married in Dec. or I am out? Try to be patient and let the chips fall where they may? Give it more time..as we are only a few months out from her cheating? Move out and get on with my life..even though it will be incredibly difficult for me to be away from her and my children? Life...gotta love it!

Previous marriage ended because she walked in on her husband and her neighbor together.Yes..she was married to him for 3 yrs.

Update:Tonight we went out to eat and talked..I said we have been together for 13 yrs..now is the time..sh-- or get off the pot. We don't have to waste another minute with each other if this is going to be a middle of the road try....All or nothing..including getting married and seeking professional help from a counselor. We made an appointment for March 23rd. What is up with the romance part when all the other parts are working? Is that and sex the last things to come back around? The funny thing is that when we first started to rekindle we were having sex everyday..some times several times a day? Why is it now an issue?

Beafea:

If you truly want to be with your soul mate, why don't you start courting her officially?

You don't demand her to marry you, that is just silly. Personally, I would start by meeting her needs. Affection for starters is huge with the ladies (and you maybe). If you are extremely affectionate with cards, flowers, hugs, kisses, cuddling, etc in combination with helping around the house, taking care of yourself hygiencaly, eliminating your love busters, etc... after several hard weeks, months, and maybe two years you should propose to her.

Right now you have no right to force someone to marry you when you haven't demonstrated you really love her. You aren't even married, she is on the market for dating. I bet she gave up on you because you haven't given her the token of your love (a ring, a proposal, walking down the aisle, and lighting of the candle to symbolize your care and bond as one).

Why haven't you married her in the past? You afraid of commitment?

The reason she doesn't want to have sex with you is she doesn't love you. She might say she does but her actions speak louder. She loves the other man who gave her what you didn't. You need to get YOUR act together.

Couples these days living together without being married is just so silly. So many statistics indicate their futures are hopeless but they do it anyway.

You need to sit down with her and ask her what she feels about you. Ask her what it would take for her to fall in love with you passionately... Ask her what made her date another man behind your back?

You need to have intimate conversation.

LoveCAG...Thank you for taking the time to reply..it is greatly appreciated. You are partly right. I got engaged to her years ago and put off getting married for years...through business failure, breast cancer, my sister and father dyeing...many things just kinda put off marriage and her token of it now is ..Why? It is just a piece of paper..but now I realize how important the commitment is..MB has brought it to the front of my mind. I read your post to my "girlfriend"..and she said..I like the buying me gifts part..and I ain't in love with anyone else but you. Just don't feel romantic or passionate right now. I have bought and done alot of nice things for her..even more lately. You can never do too much courting. Again thanks for your reply.

Beafea,

Before you all go to counseling, I would strongly urge you to urge her to get a complete physical work up. She could be going through menopause, she could be depressed, she could have some other hormonal embalance. Check the obvious first.

I liked CAG's suggestion, court her. Being married IS different than living together, it really is. If she thinks it is just a "piece of paper", she can and will walk away or you will. Commitment means walking away is harder to do for people with consciences and morals. Think about it.

IF you are marrying her to just keep her there or to get more sex, then you are wrong and she is right to feel no passion for you. YOU have some decisions to make about your approach to things. SHE has some decisions to make about her approach to things.

Get the medical stuff out of the way, then see what a counselor says, but first and foremost decide what a good marriage looks like to you and how you would act if you were married.

God Bless,

JL