I am having a really tough time pulling myself out of a recent downward swing mood wise. I am new to this site, but am a BS 8.5 months past d-day. I read Dr. H's book, months ago (he read a couple of parts), and we continue Christian marriage counseling. (every 3 weeks or so) FWH is doing everything he can to prove his is a new man...yes, there is more I want from him, but this man is already so different, I don't want to push my luck. He is extremely remorseful and is getting very depressed over his actions in 2010.

Does anyone have suggestions for how to ACCEPT it when your spouse IS being wonderful and is saying meaningful, loving things? I am having a difficult time believing him or accepting it and I'm afraid I'm chipping away at his already fragile self-esteem. I have an extremely difficult time being outwardly loving toward him, even if I want to be. I think he is discouraged by my recent depression and I have a really tough time explaining this to him, as I have always kept my feelings to myself. Even though he is the wayward spouse, I find myself in the position of being the "cheerleader" because of his extreme guilt and self loathing....

Suggestions from anyone who has some wisdom on this topic?

Are you using the Marriage Builders program to recover the love in your marriage? It doesn't sound like you are in view of the above comment. What is your plan for recovery and what do you mean exactly when you say you are chipping away at his self esteem?

Hi there,
I think at this point it is good to be totally honest about your feelings and it might help if you open up that honest conversation for him as well, it's the not knowing and guessing that leaves doubt. Even if it hurts the two of you it needs to be spoken from both ends. Hiding your feelings and not being honest and open is probably what happened in the first place, it's now time to rid yourself of everything from the past and learn to be different from each other.......
You have to come to terms together how to deal with the insecurities that each of you have, my husband and I both still have the same issues that you two seem to have, we talk about eveything, we cry together, we apologize and just reassure each other that we are committed to each other and the marriage........over time we hope that we won't have to focus so much on that negative part of our lives but for now, we need to talk and discuss those feelings to get through it, Doubt is a dangerous thing, don't let that happen...........you can take honesty, you can't deal with things not being open between you two.........don't go down that road.

Welcome, Got2. Can you tell us a little more about your WH's A? Who was it with?

What do you mean, by being afraid to 'push your luck'?

Why do you keep your feelings to yourself? Do you think it might help you and your WH to be open about these feelings? How can he work with you on healing if you don't show the parts that you need help with?

Which one of Dr. H's books did you read?

I don't get your reference to his 'fragile self-esteem' - sounds like he's got plenty of self-esteem. And plenty of guilt. (Which isn't a bad thing - his guilt will help him in the future.)

Thanks for the replies so far...
His affair was 6 months long and with a former college friend. He has always had VERY low self esteem and blames the affair on that (she made him feel good about himself...someone different saying nice things to him, etc.)

We are both committed to saving the marriage. Because of his constant work related, self inflicted stress, I have kept my problems to myself throughout or marriage, where as, until the affair, he shared his with me and I tried to be supportive and understanding.

Everytime I feel down, he picks up on it, of course, and gets really down on himself for doing this to me. I don't feel bad for having feelings about the situatin, but I do feel bad for bringing it up because of the way it brings him down. I do not bring the affair up, ever. But, I do not know how to share my "moments" with him, or even if I should. I am in individual counseling, but have been "stuck" lately....

What I mean is that he gets so down on himself for putting us in this position in the first place that I feel bad talking about my feelings. I have no issues about his current behavior. It's just my feelings about myself in regards to accepting the affair...

We are trying to rebuild the love. It was there all the time. We never fought and I had no clue this was coming...It was his low self esteem that got us into this.

Got2, I think you're stuck because you aren't secure enough to share these feelings with your H. Have you thought about sitting down with him and doing this? It doesn't have to be threatening to either of you. Just words to the effect of "I want to share with you how I'm feeling because you are my best friend and I think you can help me with them."

Make it clear that you are completely committed to your marriage and want there to be open communication between the two of you. Not just the good, easy things, but the harder things as well. I have found in my own marriage that tackling the harder issues tends to make our marital bond even stronger.

You're right, I think about my own insecurity, but I've also played the role of the "rock" in the marriage, so it's tougher. It's difficult to break out of that role, even in my current position.

Is it possible it's just because it's so early on in the recovery process that we still get so down after we've "talked"? I sometimes feel better (not after this latest talk on Friday, however), even after he has initiated a discussion. But I believe he rarely feels better, especially if I bring something up. I've even asked him. and he said I was right.

Is it the same "leap of faith" I took when I decided to try to reconcile and trust him?

Have you ever considered letting go of that "rock" position you've been keeping, and letting your H take more of that role in your M?

I agree with Maritalbliss here, maybe giving him control and letting him do the taking care of will help him, talk to him tell him you find it overwhelming and that you could use the help.........
changing his control and capability to do something possitive to change things might help.......
sometimes doing changes the guilt we feel.......

Welcome to MB. Please read this:
Here

After you've read the article, let your husband read it. It sounds as if you guys are right back where you were before he strayed, but now with the added stress of adultery.

Recovery isn't going to be quick. It's important to be O&H with each other but limit your conversations about the affair (see article).

What books or articles have you read?

Honestly, I don't know if he is able to. I have let go a bit and have admitted to feeling more vulnerable because of it. This is not necessarity a bad thing, because it makes me rely on him more, but overall, I don't think it will last forever...

I have read that article a couple of times. I cannot make him read it, he might have, but I'm not sure. I do not agree that we are right back where we started as a couple...I am having trouble emotionally. I'll keep up with the IC and hope it helps. PS. I NEVER bring up the affair, NEVER. Thanks for the advice.

Thank you for your perspective. We have been spending more time together...maybe not undivided, but it helps. We're taking a trip soon.

Hw does not react well even when I try to mention I need to talk. Scheduled or not, it reminds him of why we're in this position and really brings him down. All he ever says is that he wants to know we're going to be okay and that he wants to get there as quickly as possibly. (yes, I remind him, gently, that it's a process) I have even told him I WISH I could talk to him without him getting upset, but he doesn't say anything about that. He's going to an individual therapy session later this week; maybe he needs more of that. I am going too. It seems the marriage is on the right track, but individually, we still have several issues.

This is very unfair of your husband. So, talking about it brings him down?? I'm sorry, but that wouldn't work for me in my own recovery.

Your husband needs to realize the true extent of the damage he has done to you. But he has learned that he can discourage your open sharing of that by becoming 'down' when you bring anything up. NOT FAIR. He is attempting to recover with none of the guilt. What wayward wouldn't like that idea?

I think the ground needs to be re-worked a bit, here. You say you NEVER discuss the A. Do you discuss the effect it has had on you? This may well be the worst thing that has ever happened to you, or will ever happen. You are a survivor of this, with all the trauma that that involves. I can't imagine having to keep that inside.

Can you talk to Steve?

Hmmm... guilt & self-loathing, eh?

A couple of thoughts for ya, Got2B:

(1) Your husband might find it interesting to ponder the thought, attributed to C.S. Lewis, that "Humility is not thinking less of yourself, but thinking of yourself less." What he needs to be striving for is not self-loathing (ostentatious or otherwise), but selflessness. And going into a funk when you share your pain doesn't cut it. He needs to man up & be a pillar for you to lean on at those very times. And don't even get me started on his "self-esteem" -- what is he, an education major? Self-esteem is a product of accomplishment & conduct. His self-esteem will grow in proportion to the quality of his conduct toward you.

(2) Ah, guilt... Here's a revolutionary thought: Guilt ain't so bad. Here's why: As I was told here once when guilt & I weren't on such good terms, it means he's got a functioning conscience after all -- it means he's pretty darned bothered by how he mistreated you. That's not bad, that's good! It means he's likely less prone to cheat again. So raise a glass to guilt, & to progress!

Now, the key is not to wallow in that guilt (Exhibit A of "wallowing" would be going into sulking/depression), but to leverage it into active remorse, in response to which he commits to and (if he's already committed) continues actions that to the best of his ability observe the 4 Rules of Protection, Care, Honesty and Time toward you. (Which you've read about here on this site, right?)

Sorry if that's not much practical help for you; I realize that the person who really needs to be getting this is your husband. Any chance of him showing up around here?