Will do! Until then, I shall keep trucking along!

This, struggling, is the consequential mind-state of committing adultery. You know who you are, but you have not behaved like that person.

You have lied, snuck, and betrayed. You have taken part in something that you thought... "I would never do that!!!!"

The consequence of taking that action is the idea of "not knowing who I am." After all, if you knew who you were, you wouldn't have cheated, right?

And then there is the whole BH/OM thing. How could you ever be this person - who you totally are not - and have an affair... if you REALLY loved your husband?

Do you really love your husband? Have you ever really loved him? When is the last time you felt that?

You can't recall that because it is not in-line with the way you are thinking and acting now.

Not to mention, if you committed this horrible act and you WERE in love with your husband, what kind of horrible person does that make you?


But... it's not about being a horrible person. Not from this point forward. From this point forward it can be about being a normal person, an imperfect person. It can be about being a person who made a mistake without first considering the horrors it brought forth, about succumbing to the weakness of selfishness and thoughtlessness.

It can be about owning up to the mistakes and weaknesses that lead to those decisions and preventing those mistakes, protecting those weaknesses, so that you can act with honesty and integrity and live a life that only has this single regret.

If you are expecting things to be easy, if you are expecting people here, or your own BH to be constantly handling you with padded gloves, then sister; buckle up.

The misfortunate fortune of this all, is that if you buckle down and do this right, you will have a better marriage than you ever knew.

MrsWondering ... Just wanted to add my $0.02. Thanks for sharing your insight and story on this thread. I've been having a tough time myself lately and your words gave me a push in the right direction. I will have to go back and read your whole thread and see what other wisdom I can take away from it.

strugglingaz ... You are not unique in your feelings and struggle (as you've seen here). It doesn't get fixed overnight and you get out of it what you put into it. It is not easy and you can lose your way, but if you found your way here and are already talking with the Harleys, you are in good hands - these folks can help to keep you on track. I read your entire thread today and am proud of how your attitude has changed since the beginning. Great job

You bet! Glad I could help some.

strugglin~

How'd it go with Steve today?

Mrs. W

It went great!! Thanks for asking. He had me map out the NC plan and then go through the 4 steps of why, what, validation and then the plan, in which my H and I will go through rather swiftly I hope. He explained in detail about why affairs happen which completely made sense to me. My H and I will meet together with him on Monday to start the recovery process. My husband and I are going on a little getaway Saturday, which I am sure will be a bit awkward, but is a good start. Please say lots of prayers for us as we forge ahead on this path.

I'm so glad to hear it went well! Did you talk to him about doing the Online Program?

The getaway is EXACTLY the thing the two of you need right now -- that is GREAT! I know it will feel awkward at first because [I will keep hammering this part home - lol] your recent actions toward him have not been such that loving feelings would follow -- [actions--->feelings]

Go and enjoy each other -- remember that meeting the four intimate emotional needs is what causes romantic love to develop...

1. Recreational Companionship
2. Affection
3. Intimate Conversation
4. Sexual Fulfillment

Choose to make those a priority on your getaway -- and of course continue when you get home...You will be amazed by what happens if you do this...Remember to be careful to avoid love busters...

How is your husband doing? I'd like to hear what's going on in his world.

Mrs. W

How cool is this! Isn't Marriage Builders great!

Have a lot of fun and build some good memories on your weekend, struggling!

Mrs. Wondering...yesterday went great on our little trip. We talked the entire 5 hours to our destination and back and we both felt like it was very therapeutic. We have our first "together" session with Steve in the morning since the exposure of the affair. I encouraged my husband to get on here and read and/or post and right now he wonders as the betrayed spouse how he will be able to focus on meeting my needs, when truly he is more fixated with how I am going to be able to meet his needs and make him feel secure. Also, at what point do you make a vow to not bring up anymore details of the affair? We have had a great number of hours of honest discussion with no anger issues, but feel like we, once again, don't want to get stuck in this stage.

I'm not Mrs. W, but speaking for your BH, I'd say not to make a vow like that. Your BH needs to feel secure in his ability to ask a question about the A if he needs to. Sometimes he may need to ask that question more than once in order to process that part of the A. When his question has been answered to his satisfaction he can move to the next point in healing.

The time will come when he has had his questions answered. That's when you won't be talking about specific details of the A anymore.

I got my question answered through Steve this morning about closing up the wound. Thanks!

Excellent! Can you tell me what Steve suggested? I don't want to post advice that is counter to what he is advising - I can only suggest based on my own experience. Thanks!

strugglin~

Sorry I didn't see your post earlier, but I'm glad to hear that you got your question answered.

Earlier I asked you how your husband is doing - I don't think you answered my question, but maybe I missed it.

I am very glad to hear that your weekend getaway turned out nicely. That is great news!

Mrs. W

I see you did mention something regarding your husband and his worrying about meeting your needs - duh, sorry I overlooked that. Did he mention that to Steve this morning and if so, what did Steve advise?

Mrs. W

I can tell you that early after the affair Mr. W and I concentrated our efforts on spending as much time together as possible doing FUN things. We were fortunate in that he was able to take lots of time away from the office and we really just recreated our "courtship"...We did all the things that we'd done together back then -- to try and recreate the atmosphere where we originally had fallen in love. That served us very well...

Mrs. W

Weekends away are crucial at this point, I would say. We had so many weekends away early in recovery, I can hardly remember them all! So much bonding can occur during that time.

Do you have kids, struggling? It may be helpful if you put that type of info in your signature line so people don't have to go searching for that.

We couldn't get weekends away but we spent many evenings out with a sitter in early recovery. ITA that it is crucial. IMO I think it is a mistake when people are getting most of their UA time at home when they have little ones...especially in recovery...

Brief threadjack: I've been meaning to say this for a while:

SusieQ, every time I see your name on a post, I clamor to read it -- I think you are a wonderful asset to this board!

Mrs. W

Awww, thanks, Mrs W!! I appreciate that VERY much I feel the same way about you and Mr W. In fact, he was very very helpful to me in my very first thread when I first got here. I have never forgotten it. Thanks again!!!

I very much agree. Early on Mrs. W told me "MF, you guys need to party like rockstars right now!".

We took her advice and it was awesome.

LOL! I did say that, didn't I? I can tell you that we didn't look nearly as "cool" doing it when we were 35 & 37 as we did [or thought we did] at 23 & 25 when we first met! But it worked, and that's what counts, huh?

Mrs. W