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I can tell you that we didn't look nearly as "cool" doing it when we were 35 & 37 as we did [or thought we did] at 23 & 25 when we first met! Good Grief! This reminds me of a few months ago when DH commented, "I think we're both past the age of striptease. I couldn't be offended because......well, he was right! I'll say this for myself......When DH and I went through out phase of hysterical bonding, and I was being overwhelmed with real lovin' from a man who knew me inside and out and had made lifelong vows to me.....let's just say that the table scrap crap of the OM became a distant memory REAL fast. When served filet mignon on a regular basis....who wants month old fatty ground beef with worms in it?????
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Do you have kids, struggling? It may be helpful if you put that type of info in your signature line so people don't have to go searching for that.
We couldn't get weekends away but we spent many evenings out with a sitter in early recovery. ITA that it is crucial. IMO I think it is a mistake when people are getting most of their UA time at home when they have little ones...especially in recovery... I very much agree. Early on Mrs. W told me "MF, you guys need to party like rockstars right now!". We took her advice and it was awesome.  LOL! I did say that, didn't I?   I can tell you that we didn't look nearly as "cool" doing it when we were 35 & 37 as we did [or thought we did] at 23 & 25 when we first met! But it worked, and that's what counts, huh?  Mrs. W I'm sure we didn't either, we are fairly big dorks anyways. But who cares? The only ones we were trying to impress were each other, and it worked!
Me,BW - 42; FWH-46 4 kids D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006 D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR) Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007 In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks.
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I'll say this for myself......When DH and I went through out phase of hysterical bonding, and I was being overwhelmed with real lovin' from a man who knew me inside and out and had made lifelong vows to me.....let's just say that the table scrap crap of the OM became a distant memory REAL fast. When served filet mignon on a regular basis....who wants month old fatty ground beef with worms in it????? AMEN! Mrs. W
FWW ~ 47 ~ MeFBH ~ 50 ~ MrWonderingDD ~ 17 Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered
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Do you have kids, struggling? It may be helpful if you put that type of info in your signature line so people don't have to go searching for that.
We couldn't get weekends away but we spent many evenings out with a sitter in early recovery. ITA that it is crucial. IMO I think it is a mistake when people are getting most of their UA time at home when they have little ones...especially in recovery... I very much agree. Early on Mrs. W told me "MF, you guys need to party like rockstars right now!". We took her advice and it was awesome. LOL! I did say that, didn't I? I can tell you that we didn't look nearly as "cool" doing it when we were 35 & 37 as we did [or thought we did] at 23 & 25 when we first met! But it worked, and that's what counts, huh? Mrs. W I'm sure we didn't either, we are fairly big dorks anyways. But who cares? The only ones we were trying to impress were each other, and it worked! And another resounding AMEN! Mrs. W
FWW ~ 47 ~ MeFBH ~ 50 ~ MrWonderingDD ~ 17 Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered
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Brief threadjack: I've been meaning to say this for a while: SusieQ, every time I see your name on a post, I clamor to read it -- I think you are a wonderful asset to this board! Mrs. W She is a goodie, ain't she! Sorry, struggling, just wanted to let you know that you've got some very good posters helping you.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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who wants month old fatty ground beef with worms in it?????  Note to self: scratch the meatloaf for dinner idea...
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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who wants month old fatty ground beef with worms in it????? Note to self: scratch the meatloaf for dinner idea... Bliss, buy Laura's Lean brand, you nut!  Mrs. W
FWW ~ 47 ~ MeFBH ~ 50 ~ MrWonderingDD ~ 17 Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered
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LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! About the rockstar part! That is awesome! Thanks so much for all of the great advice everyone. This is exactly what I was looking for. Great suggestions and NO ONE loves to go out/have weekends away like me! 
Me - 29 WW
H - 35
DD1 - 6yo
DD2 - 2yo
DDay - Feb 26, 2011
Hope to be recovered sooner than later!!
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What exactly is hysterical bonding? I have seen that mentioned a few other times on other threads. Also, for an earlier question, Steve mentioned that once I sit down with my H and explain everything to him about the FACTS of the affair, no feelings, and he has understood and asked every question that he wanted to, then we close the door and there is no room for the affair to ever be brought up again. Because other wise, actual healing can never occur and his mind just constantly ponders about more questions he can ask.
Me - 29 WW
H - 35
DD1 - 6yo
DD2 - 2yo
DDay - Feb 26, 2011
Hope to be recovered sooner than later!!
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strugglin~
Can you tell us a bit about your session today with Steve?
Mrs. W
FWW ~ 47 ~ MeFBH ~ 50 ~ MrWonderingDD ~ 17 Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered
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...Also, at what point do you make a vow to not bring up anymore details of the affair? We have had a great number of hours of honest discussion with no anger issues, but feel like we, once again, don't want to get stuck in this stage. ...
Those comments suggest that there are contexts in which it should not be brought up, after a certain level of confidence has been established in the information shared about the affair -- a point which Steve has obviously reinforced in your discussion.
However, notice that there's not a specific time limit as such. Based on my & my wife's experience, I would advise you not to think of it in terms of a timeframe. Because that confidence, if/when it arrives, comes in stages, and not all at the same pace from one couple to another.
Your mindset has to be not on "turning a page", but on making sure your husband has the info he feels he needs in order to feel secure.
I compare it to recovering from a tornado. At first, he is likely to want to do a lot of picking through the emotional debris, to see how the house came apart, and what of the past might be salvaged, and to be reassured that there's an intact foundation to rebuild upon. There'll be more than one pickup truckload of junk that needs to be hauled away. It will likely take many months even in a best-case recovery scenario. You can answer all of his questions truthfully & sincerely, and even volunteer other information that goes beyond his questions, and yet it's quite possible that there are additional questions that simply haven't occurred to him yet, which have yet to be addressed. Or it may take him time to mentally "process" the info you've given him, and follow-up questions may occur hours, days or weeks after you discussed something.
That's OK. So you roll with it. Don't expect him to know, all at once, what facts he needs to know. Just be patient with him. Keep in mind that it's not about getting you to a place where you go "Whew, thank goodness we're through that phase & I don't have to revisit the affair or answer any more questions about it." This is about getting him to a place where he can feel safer & more secure.
P.S.--Now, yes, at some point, your husband will need to want to rebuild the structure of your marriage more than he wants to pick through the debris. Not all BSs get there. But that'll have to be a decision that he makes -- you can't make it for him, and you can't force it.
Last edited by GloveOil; 03/14/11 07:19 PM. Reason: added P.S.
Me: FWH, 50
My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold
DD23, DS19
EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09
Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009
Married 25 years & counting.
Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband.
"I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol
"Do it again & you're out on your [bum]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009
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This is about getting him to a place where he can feel safer & more secure. And speaking of this... struggling, will your BH post on here?
Me - 30 (FWW)
H - 30 (BH)
DSx2
D-day: 2008
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Well, as mentioned in the last post I wrote, we are at the second stage of healing for him. He described it as I am the doctor and my H is the patient and Steve is my supervisor. The first step was to do the NC letter and NC plan and show to my H and make sure he understood why the affair took place and that there is nothing my H could have done to prevent it. The second step is just as I told above. We talk to Steve again on Wednesday and then proceed with step 3 which is validation and then step 4 which is our plan (which he hasn't given me instructions on these steps yet). He explains these four necessary steps as ways to "clean out the wound" so that it can scab over and be allowed to heal and never broken open again. Once we get through these 4 necessary steps then I take it that we go through the things that we already know about, such as spending 20+ hours together, meeting needs, etc.
Me - 29 WW
H - 35
DD1 - 6yo
DD2 - 2yo
DDay - Feb 26, 2011
Hope to be recovered sooner than later!!
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Yes I hope that he will post on here as he has different questions and needs than I do. Should he post through mine or start his own?
Me - 29 WW
H - 35
DD1 - 6yo
DD2 - 2yo
DDay - Feb 26, 2011
Hope to be recovered sooner than later!!
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Well, as mentioned in the last post I wrote, we are at the second stage of healing for him. He described it as I am the doctor and my H is the patient and Steve is my supervisor. The first step was to do the NC letter and NC plan and show to my H and make sure he understood why the affair took place and that there is nothing my H could have done to prevent it. The second step is just as I told above. We talk to Steve again on Wednesday and then proceed with step 3 which is validation and then step 4 which is our plan (which he hasn't given me instructions on these steps yet). He explains these four necessary steps as ways to "clean out the wound" so that it can scab over and be allowed to heal and never broken open again. Once we get through these 4 necessary steps then I take it that we go through the things that we already know about, such as spending 20+ hours together, meeting needs, etc. Very good...I'm sorry I missed that first post of yours about the session -- I only saw the "rockstar" one...lol... Did you ask Steve about doing the online program in conjunction with his coaching? I would be interested in what his thoughts were on that... I just like keeping you here talking about the POSITIVE ACTIONS that you are taking towards your marriage...My hope is to help keep you focused -- You seem to be doing much better these days, am I correct in that assessment? Mrs. W
FWW ~ 47 ~ MeFBH ~ 50 ~ MrWonderingDD ~ 17 Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered
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Yes I hope that he will post on here as he has different questions and needs than I do. Should he post through mine or start his own? Start his own FOR SURE...It is recommended that the two of you stay off of each other's threads... Mrs. W
FWW ~ 47 ~ MeFBH ~ 50 ~ MrWonderingDD ~ 17 Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered
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Good to see that you've stuck around, strugglingaz.
Now that your hubby is here too, you might want to consider extending him the courtesy of changing the original title of your thread, to something less prone to cause him pain in case he happens to glance over here from time to time.
Me: FWH, 50
My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold
DD23, DS19
EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09
Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009
Married 25 years & counting.
Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband.
"I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol
"Do it again & you're out on your [bum]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009
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Good to see that you've stuck around, strugglingaz.
Now that your hubby is here too, you might want to consider extending him the courtesy of changing the original title of your thread, to something less prone to cause him pain in case he happens to glance over here from time to time. I thought the same thing, GO -- good call! Strugglin, should you choose to do that, I would bet the time on being able to edit it yourself has expired, so you would just click on the "notify" button of your first post and ask the mods to change the title to whatever you would prefer... Mrs. W
FWW ~ 47 ~ MeFBH ~ 50 ~ MrWonderingDD ~ 17 Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered
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I have no frickin' idea what my identity is or what it has ever been. I think that is part of why I am here. I really don't know what my place in the world is or where/what I want to be defined as. I haven�t had time to post much at all lately, but this little treasure struck a chord with me. Why? Because I could have written this post when I was both wayward and when I first began recovery! Why? Because my moral compass was broken too�.. It wasn�t just broken though, oh no, a vandal (my wayward self) had taken it, thrown it to the ground and crushed it under his own two feet�� My identity was now that which I had always loathed, I was an ADULTERER! It was hard to get a grip on what I wanted to be defined as, when my condition, the condition of my wife, our marriage and our family, were so grave.. Self esteem,,,, HA! I had done nothing esteemable� Identity,,,, HA! I�d been stripped bare! EVERYONE I knew, KNEW of my adultery� They knew I walked out on my 5 children and my wife. My moral compass had to be restored. For me, God made this possible! The N needed to point to true North on this one. For me, this meant toward God first, then toward my marriage. Yes, the consequences of my adultery will forever be before me, there for all to see. BUT, so will the choices I�ve made since then. And many are watching! The Just Compensation! The EP�s! Godly Humility! The Character Changes! The Radical Honesty! The Transparency! The Care! The Protection! These are my choices and these choices are what define the man I am today�� These choices are also what demonstrate my place in the world, the world in which I live�. The world of my marriage and my family�� I wonder, what else is there that I really want to be remembered for?
Recovery began 10/07;
Meeting my wife's EN's is my "thank you" that refuses to be silenced.
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PrincessMeggy mentioned this old post earlier, so I thought I'd post it. My wife printed it out and gave it to me early in recovery. (She was so mean, lol) Kinda pissed me off (poor me) but has since made me laugh more and more with each passing year..... "We need to be apart so I can find myself" What a cute little euphamism that is, finding yourself or finding out who you are.
Many of my dear friends here no that I am a big believer in using a gentle touch on those unfortunate souls who either "Need to find themselves" or "Need to find out who they are" before they can come home to their families.
So, as a public service to these unfortunate souls I have composed "Finding yourself for Dummies"
First, finding yourself...
1. If you can't find yourself, try looking in your shoes. More than likely you will be there.
2. Do not bother looking where your children or responsibilities are, though that would be a reasonable place to look we know you are not there.
3. If need be, go to the police station and give the desk sergeant an 8x10 or you and ask to have an APB put out since you can't find yourself.
4. Ask your child to point to their mom/dad, if you are not sure which one you are reach into your pants and feel around, if there is a penis there, you are dad, if not, you're probably mom.
Now one of these tried and true methods ought to help you find yourself, but it probable dark so let's help you see better. Reach behind you, palms facing you, arms hanging down and grab. That's your butt. Now reach in that and look for a large round object, that is your head. Now, with both hands pull as hard as you can. You are now performing recto-cranial extraction.
Ok, now you have found yourself. We are making progress here! Now we need to find out "who you are". This is not so hard. Look around the house - if there are one or more particularly short little people ask one of them, they are called children, they probably know the answer as it was one of their first two or 3 words. Not able to talk yet? No sweat.
Look for the full grown person with the red eyes who looks like they haven't slept in a while - they probably know. They aren't home??? let's keep looking.
Try looking in a desk or filing cabinet. Look for folders named "mortgage", "Utilities", Or "Marriage license". There will probably be two names here - you are one of those. So we have found you and narrowed it down to two people.
Now look and see if there is a wallet around. Remember that? Little pocket sized leather folding thingy. Look for something that says drivers license. There should be a name. Now find a mirror (Glass thingy in the bathroom), look at the picture on the driver's license and the face in the mirror, if they match, the name on the license is WHO YOU ARE. If they don't, check those papers you found - you are the other name.
Now that you have found yourself and know who you are go find the other full grown person in the house and introduce yourself. Start out with "I'm sorry I could not find myself or figure out who I was, I know now"
Next, knock off the drama, quit being melodramatic and start being mom/dad, husband/wife like you are supposed to and quit with the childish theatrics because the final piece is WHERE YOU ARE. This is called the real world where people depend on you to act like a grownup and keep track of details like who and where you are. The little people in the house are kinda sorta counting on you too.
If this doesn't work and you have to take a journey to answer these questions there is a chance that when you find yourself you will be alone, without a house, without a spouse, without children who love you and without a penny.
Recovery began 10/07;
Meeting my wife's EN's is my "thank you" that refuses to be silenced.
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