Newlywed here!

Lemme tell you what happened to me about six months ago. I got married last summer.

Before I met my dh, I dated only one or two guys before him in the seven years I was a single mom.

One of them was somebody I used to work with, although he worked in a totally different capacity and our interaction never affected when I worked there (we do not work together and haven't in over five years).

Out of the blue, xbf calls me and asks how I am doing. He informs me he's 1)a dad now and 2)that things didn't go well with the mom of his child and that they didn't get married.

He then goes on and on saying how he always has respected me as a single mom, blah blah blah.

I stop him really quick and say, "hey, I have something to tell you. My life is great and I AM ENGAGED NOW." There's a really long pause from him, and he tried to tell me how wrong he was when we broke up, how he should have married me, and the like.

I then tell him that I'm not interested, that it's sweet, but that I am happy, my child is very happy and that I am a faithful woman.

Btw, he called from a # I didn't know.

A few months pass. I am by that time, a married lady. We had a gorgeous wedding at the beach and reception with family and friends.

I get another call and I just answered it at work. It was the xbf. He then tells me how sorry he was that he didn't marry me right off the bat, asks me if I AM HAPPY and if I am glad I'm married, and would I want to just talk to him once over a margarita.

I tell him no. I tell him to NOT CALL ME AGAIN and that what he did was inappropriate and that I was telling my h that he called. I wished him well in life, and that was that. I told him that I am faithful, my husband is faithful, and that our marriage is not the subject of discussion between anybody else but my husband and i. I told him we could not talk anymore and that I would be blocking the # he called me from that day (again a different #).

So YES YOU NEED TO STOP YOUR W and this OM (yes, he's an OM-wanna be) from all this stuff right now. He is trying to meet up with her. Trying! And yes, that xbf of mine wanted to just "sit down and talk..just hang out" and have a margarita (one of my fave drinks, but I hardly drink anything really ever).

Do you think he wanted to only have that one sit down and talk with me? That one time? Hell no!

The xbf of mine, had broken up with his girlfriend and mom of his baby (that really was wild! I never figured him to be the kind of guy who would do that kind of thing), and JUST LIKE YOUR WIFE'S XBF, he wanted to make immediate contact after that breakup.

If he hasn't begun with all the "I should've married YOU" stuff with her, that will come soon. Hell it was the second thing he said to me after finding out I had gotten married after he asked me "Are you happy being married?" (which will be the FIRST THING he will ask your W!).

I told my H about it. He felt better and knows I am honest. If I had wanted to put my M in jeopardy, I would have had that margarita and I hope your W knows that him just "stopping by to say hello" when she's at a pottery class or some group even "just down the street from his house" is wrong. It's a lead-in to something else, which the next time might be, "just stopping by HIS HOUSE" to say hello....or much worse.

If I had given that xbf of mine an inch, he would have gladly taken a mile. But he didn't get a millimeter.

Incidentally he hasn't called back!

Yay Marriagebuilders!

*you can show your W my post. Let her see what is really going thru the mind of her xbf!

Agree.

Another possible aspect: perhaps she is too, hmm, well-bred and thinks it rude to tell the guy to get lost? Together with the aspect HTLD mentioned, they make a ticking time bomb...

Well, she just has to learn straightforwardness in such matters.

Can you see that "monitoring" bad behavior does not stop it? This is the beginnings of an affair, they are planning to meet to carry this to the next level. So my question is this: will you not stand up for your marriage even now?

I would tell her you know all about her communication with this guy and tell her to knock it off. Tell her it is dangerous to your marriage. The fact that you condoned it in the past reflects a lack of caring and a dangerous complacency about your marriage. Women don't respect that. If your marriage means something to you, then your wife needs to see you protecting it.

Chris,

It would be nice if it didn't lead to a fight, and I hope it doesn't, but you MUST be willing to "go there" if need be...Your marriage is worth fighting for -- your marriage can survive your wife's anger, but it very well might not survive an affair...

Also, Chris your situation is really NOT unique in any way...The ex that I had my affair with ALSO had "been there for me" during MANY trying times in my life before I was married -- We dated off and on for nine years -- there were times that he was "there for me" when we weren't dating too...Your wife's history with this guy does not change anything for you -- EXCEPT that it may make him even MORE dangerous to your marriage -- A shared history lends itself to intimacy VERY QUICKLY...You cannot afford to wait, this must be dealt with double-time...

Mrs. W

I have an old flame that eventually became a good friend. She was there for me after my D and it was entirely platonic. Her father died at the same time my divorce happened and she and I hung out as mutual support as we both healed.

I'm married now and am very happy. If she contacted me I would make sure to let my wife know about it. If she ever came out here, we'd invite her over to have dinner, but I would never spend any time alone with her just out of respect for my wife.

I don't seek contact with her or call her at all. I don't need to. My wife is my best friend. That friendship served its purpose at that time in my life. So it stays where it is: the past.

I have a high school classmate that I never went out with, but was a friend of mine back then. She and I hang out with my wife and I as couples.

The reason I ask your age is because there is a bit of naivete at play here with your wife. She feels that she could never have an affair and finds this contact to be totally harmless.

Well the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

I also have some Facebook contacts that are on my page with a few ex-girlfriends. They don't contact me and I don't contact them. If there was any contact I'd tell my wife and be very open about it. If that friend of mine ever crossed the line I'd erase it and never let the contact back.

But this contact with your W strikes me as the kind you don't want to be ok with in any way. He's a man coming out of a relationship and could use her for emotional support, eventually going down an undesireable path. His contact is the "testing the waters" type.

So you have every right to be wary.

Shortly after my D I became friends with my WXW's former best friend. We talked regularly and she was a source of support for me. Her husband became uncomfortable with it and asked her to stop the contact. She told me and I understood and respected his wishes and have never spoken to her again.

Did i have bad intentions? No. But I could respect his objections. It sucked because I didn't have many friends here at the time, but I respected his wishes.

So this doesn't need to get blown up too much at this stage, but there's nothing at all wrong with stating how you feel.

Agree with everybody here!

She needs to read this thread and see that this guy is not about becoming her friend again. Nope.

She probably is somebody who is nice to everybody, and a predatory type of OP will try to take advantage of her good nature. I for one, am not one to slam down a phone (unless it's Darth, my crazy-like-Charlie-Sheen-xwh, which gets a slam) and am polite to most people and that is what might have made her actually go back and forth with him.

I have facebook "friends" who contact me and email from time to time, and I respond to simply just be nice.

But your W needs to learn that this guy isn't trying to be nice. He needs a firm response that NO this is wrong from her and that he hears that what it is he is incenuating happen is INAPPROPRIATE.

It is perfectly fine for her to respond like that. You don't have to be nice to somebody all the time. This is one of those situations where seriously, he could prey upon her simply being nice.

Example...she doesn't refuse, but doesn't seek him out, but he shows up anyway where she is..

Thanks Peachy. This site is fantastic, I wish my wife and I had discovered it together prior to all this. Maybe afterwards, though. I will consider showing her your post, it is hard to deny the truth in there.

Sparkler, I don't think she is too well-bred, but one part of it is certainly a obligation for his being there in the past. The question is what is the other part of it: Does the attention feel good, is she genuinely interested, is she being nice, etc? Doesn't really matter, if the end result is a marriage jeopardizing affair.

To me the logic is frustratingly simple... sorry if this is wayyy off topic but the analogy fits:

I am a recovering alcoholic sober 10 yrs. I can go to bars, be around alcohol, whatever w/o being tempted to drink. But I have always missed smoking a joint every now and then. But I am completely aware that if I smoke a joint I may have the urge to drink w/o the capability to resist. So if I get stoned and don't drink I get a minor thrill. But if I get stoned and do drink I get a minor thrill followed by an almost certain life & family shattering spiral of alcoholism.

Makes it really easy to avoid the joint, and ex girlfriends. The risk does not even remotely warrant the potential reward OR consequences. Wonder why she doesn't see this.

Chris,

How much do you really know about this OM? Do your understand his MO?

I'm asking because some OMs specialize on a certain types of affair partner and keep a number of the them on ice. They maintain contact at the minimum level to keep them in their range so they can strike when the conditions are right.

You may want to pay him a visit.

God Bless
Gamma

Wow, this is great feedback.

Gamma, based on their communication I think he is just feeling things out right now. He has not given her the "full court press" but i do know that he is intelligent and can be manipulative. They have gone 10 days or so between emails since this thing started early this year, but seeing her picture on facebook must have reminded him to contact her.

I have no idea about his morals, although I suspect. I know he does not believe in or have a desire to get married, which speaks to his respect of the institution I imagine.

My feeling is that he is just keeping the lines of communication open until he establishes his post break up options. For all I know he may not even be really interested, but that doesn't mean her side of the equation is okay.

Yes, Chris, Gamma is right.

These would definitely be the predatory type of OP.

This guy, the OM, is a guy who is probably a big time Taker, and right now there is nobody to be a Giver to him and he's scanning his cell phone and email contact list to find out who he can find to fill that empty place where his old gf was.

Or he could be worse, and be a serial cheater. He could have cheated on the xgf. Who knows. But there are some types who also just are predatory.

Now I know my xbf was not predatory, but the OW I had to deal with when I was married to my xh, were 100 percent predatory OW. One was on the hunt for just the right type of person. He had to have certain specific characteristics. And the woman could have cared if he happened to be married.

Your W is a familiar target to this guy. He knows her wants and needs already. He may even remember what her emotional needs are, just as you are a MB'er and know your W's deepest emotional needs.

After marriage, there's really no chase anymore. Us girls like to feel special, important and loved. You have and are married to your W, but this guy, even if she is not interested, his pursuance of her makes her feel attractive.

I felt that way after the call the first time, but of course didn't bite. After the second call when I realized what he was deliberately trying to do, i felt like my xbf was skanky for even attempting to try that.

He might use whatever lure he knew worked before with her, to get her to become friends with her again. Don't underestimate some of these predatory OP.

If it were me, what I would convey to your W, is this...WHY is he contacting her NOW right after breaking up with the long term gf?

The answer to that is simple. He wants attention and sex. And he'll do whatever he can to get it. And an xgf is an easy target, because he already KNOWS what it takes to get attention and sex from her.

That truth, in itself, would be enough to have me, or any woman in general here or anywhere, disgusted enough to not talk to that guy again.

There is NOTHING attractive of having a guy on the instant rebound try to pursue you. He's just wanting easy sex and ego-stroking.

Just bein' open and honest here.

Fwiw, one of my best friends who is in a wonderful marriage once told me this.."I know why my H always schedules surprise exotic anniversary trips for us. it's because he wants me to feel surprised and pursued by him. That's why Sandals must stay in business."

(that was after he surprised her with a trip to Jamaica and to the same resort, but their highest-type of suite there, for their 15th anniversary). Her H always in some way, makes her feel pursued sometimes!

I agree with Gamma, my WWs OM had three or four prospects in tow at all times. There is a type of guy out there like this.

Kill this now even if it means a fight. And don't give up your snooping source when you do. Let me say that again - do not tell her about the keylogger. You still need it.

Any vet on here with two years or more I think would tell you the same thing.

Mrs Wondering - every day I learn a little more about you two. Maybe that explains why your husband stuck by me all this time, even in times when I did a bad job or sat on the fence on his advice. Sorry for TJ.

I confronted her last night.

I focused on the latest message that involved "stopping in to say hi" next time she was out, but I also told her that I was mistaken to condone the communication at all.

I was diplomatic: Told her that I did trust her and her intentions, but also told her that she always gives everyone the benefit of the doubt (which she recognizes) and that communicating with him, a single man, while she is married sends all sorts of signals and strokes his ego at the same time. I asked her to at least be receptive to the fact that his intentions may not be good and realize how much we have to lose. I also gave her the very true bit about the general danger of exes to any marriage.

The beginning actually went pretty well... she acknowledged how the plan to meet was wrong and while she said it was more casual & curious than sinister she could appreciate the danger and how that made me feel, particularly the next time she wants to go out while I stay home with the little one.

But at some point it went of the tracks and things got nasty. It is kind of hard to remember the exact point it happened, I guess it was gradual but the the thing went sideways into an unproductive fight. She insists that while she recognizes that he may be kind of shady, he was there for her during a hard time and she is not willing to cut off contact. Basically she admits seeing him would be wrong and even that communicating often is wrong, but she is unwilling to completely cut the cord (i.e. proactively tell him she could not communicate).

Honestly, I know my wife and even that sounded like more of a token objection. She does not do well with ultimatums (who does?), but I actually think she was more concerned with the act of breaking off communication than the loss of the communication itself. Just my impression on that, though, I could be wrong.

Essentially she thought it was harmless, now realizes it wasn't, but wants to just "let it fade" rather than confront him. But of course given that I am still more suspicious of him than she is, that is not acceptable as we could end up right back here. Maybe sooner than later, b/c guys like that will only get more aggressive if he senses her backing off.

Final word from me was that further communication was not acceptable and not okay. I did not threaten exposure and will keep the keylogger to monitor every possible avenue of communication.

If she doesn't send him an email breaking it off than there are only a few possibilities:

1. She doesn't email him again and he never emails her (not likely).

2. He emails her again and she ignores it.

3. He emails and she responds with email breaking off contact.

4. He emails, she responds breifly, and in a month we are right back here.

So now what? She didn't really promise not to communicate, although I made my position clear. She did not promise to break off contact.

I will repeat that my wife's MO in disagreements has often been to get heated and fight like crazy, admitting nothing, only to realize she was wrong after the fact and change her behavior without saying a word to me. So there is a decent chance she reflects on this whole thing and ignores any subsequent emails from him w/o actually admitting she was wrong. While the communication itself was plenty dangerous there was no emotional or sexual content to the messages themselves... I have to admit they were pretty surface so maybe I caught it before it became addictive.

So going from what I have read her in other threads, I should continue to monitor the communication via the keylogger. If I see any email to him that is not the "breakoff" email than I should confront again, or should I expose at that point? Who should I expose to? Do I include my family?

I just want to be prepared. I will expose if it starts back up, especially now that everything is out in the open. But I wonder about the exposure details... I know the goal is to humiliate so she has no one to "co-sign her affair" but I am curious as to whether there are some parameters to avoid. Personally, I think my wife would end the marriage based on the exposure itself...she would see it as a betrayal beyond anything she has done.

Tough spot, this one. Your thoughts are appreciated.

Forgot to ask... if there is no communication for a few weeks what do I do if she wants to go out again with the girls? I can monitor text messages and calls on the bill but not in real time.

Uh no. The goal is to save your marriage, NOT to "humiliate" your wife -- exposing an affair to the light of day kills it because affairs thrive in secrecy and darkness -- So while the affair partners may indeed be embarrassed or humiliated, that is about their own behavior and not about the exposure itself. Chris, it is wrong to have an affair, it is not wrong to expose an affair.

Why don't you just call OM and tell him to stay away from your wife? That seems the simplest way, imo.

Regarding the going out without you deal. That needs to stop Chris. Married people should not be going out for "girl's or guy's nights out"...You guys need to reassess the way you are doing things - right now you do not have an "affair proof marriage" and that should be top priority. My suggestion to you would be that you read the book His Needs, Her Needs by Willard F. Harley, Jr. -- It also comes in CD format -- my husband I found that to be an excellent way for us to "read" the book together, pausing to talk about various points.

What do you think?

Mrs. W

That makes more sense about humiliation. I think I read that in another thread but of course that is not my goal... for her, for myself, or for those who are exposed to. If it happens that is acceptable as long as I am doing it for the right reasons.

I think my uncertainty with the exposure is that this has not progressed into emotional or physical intimacy. The timeline almost guarantees it will get there, as everyone on this board knows, but when I read the emails there is nothing remotely juicy there until the "meet up" message. I guess that is irrelevant if it is going that direction anyway.

I will read or listen to "his needs, her needs".

I am very willing to call him. Do I tell her first, or just do it and deal with her anger later?

Suggestion.....why not have you wife state that she shares her emails sometimes with her husband and he is a little concerned about his wife emailing another man. That way he knows your watching. If its truly harmless then no problem if not he will back away and find a easier target.

Worth a shot, Flynn.

She has told him in messages that I know they communicate and she knows obviously knows I have access to them, but i'm not sure he knows that.

I can try, but my guess is that if she is shying away from breaking it off she will probably shy away from mentioning that too. Also, I am a little reluctant to tell her to message him again about ANYTHING, other than to break it off, b/c her plan may be just to let the communication fade.

Brings me back to my question as to how important it is that she actual send the "no contact" email? Maybe I am making it too big of a deal.

But I am still open to calling him if everyone thinks that is advisable, just wondering whether to warn her first.

I'd give that fellow a call and let him know that you do not appreciate his continued contact with your wife.

Thank him in advance for respecting your wishes to have no further communication with her.