It's been almost 2 years since I found out about the affair and 1 year since I got "the rest of the story". We have been through the marriage builders program with our counselor. The program was wonderful. Because it took so long for the details to finally come out I still have a trust issue though.

He said he was so afraid of losing me that he didn't want me to know the details. We were so disconnected in our then 24 year marriage that I can understand that he would believe I didn't love him. It was a best friend relationship. If not for the marriage builders program and our faith in God I would have walked.

2 years later I still think about the betrayal and at times I think I want to leave just to get my mind to rest. It's not as bad as it used to be, I'll admit. Maybe this is all normal.

I still am in contact with the other persons spouse. We email several times a week. We kept in touch because of the lies. I should no longer need to talk with him. We don't even talk about the affair it's just chatting. I'm afraid to lose contact with him it's like a security blanket, I guess. I know my husband won't have anything to do with her as shes not who he thought she was and I truly believe he was depressed and about to crack. They will soon work at the same facility again in about a year from now but different departments. He can't change jobs as this is his retirement in 10 years. She can't change because shes under contract. I don't know if this will effect us or not.

If I could just get beyond this yo yo feeling I would finally have that dream husband and marriage. I can't talk to anyone as I don't want anyone to know. I sometimes wonder if I should just go back to counseling to talk. We've discovered a lot about each other. I can actually see the remorse he has for what happen. Maybe it's my pride still hurting.


Thanks!

I think contacting the OWH is keeping you away from recovering your marriage.

You need to end all contact with OW and OWH and start your life back with your husband.

Every time you talk to him those feelings of betrayal comes back.

So stop torturing yourself and start recovering.

Yes, unfortunately, it will ruin your marriage and prevent any hope of recovery. What will happen is all his feelings for the OW will come flooding back. It is the same effect as an alcoholic having a drink. The feelings come back and pretty soon he is drunk again. I have been here for 10 years and never seen a marriage recover this way. I have seen untold numbers of affairs rekindled because they ignored this step.

How to Survive an Affair chapter in HIS NEEDS, HER NEEDS
p. 177

...I have seen husbands build new and wonderful relationships with their wives but then go back to their lovers after five or six years of what appeared to be marital bliss. When I ask them why, they inevitably tell me they miss the woman terribly and still love her. At the same time they stoutly affirm they love their wives dearly and would not think of leaving them.

I believe a man like this has told the truth. He is hopelessly entangled and needs all the help possible to be kept away from his lover and stay faithful to his wife. I often recommend that a man once involved in an affair come in to see me every three to six months on an indefinite basis, just to talk about how things are going and to let me know how successfully he has stayed away from his lover. He must resign himself to a lifetime without her. HE MUST CERTAINLY NOT WORK WITH HIS FORMER LOVER AND SHOULD PROBABLY LIVE IN SOME OTHER CITY OR STATE. Even with those restrictions the desire for her company persists...

Dr. Harley in Coping with Infidelity: Part 2
How Should Affairs End?


Never see or communicate with a former lover

Once an affair is first revealed, whether it's discovered or admitted, the victimized spouse is usually in a state of shock. The first reaction is usually panic, but it's quickly followed by anger. Divorce and sometimes even murder are contemplated. But after some time passes (usually about three weeks), most couples decide that they will try to pull together and save their marriage.

The one having an affair is in no position to bargain, but he or she usually tries anyway. The bargaining effort usually boils down to somehow keeping the lover in the loop. You'd think that the unfaithful spouse would be so aware of his or her weaknesses, and so aware of the pain inflicted, that every effort would be made to avoid further contact with the lover as an act of thoughtfulness to the stunned spouse. But instead, the unfaithful spouse argues that the relationship was "only sexual" or was "emotional but not sexual" or some other peculiar description to prove that continued contact with the lover would be okay.

Most victimized spouses intuitively understand that all contact with a lover must end for life. Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to someone who has been through he11. What victimized spouse would ever want to know that his or her spouse is seeing or communicating with a former lover at work or in some other activity?

In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children's schooling, I am adamant in recommending that there be no contact with a former lover for life. For many, that means a move to another state. But to do otherwise fails to recognize the nature of addiction and its cure.

<snip>

We don't know if R.J. still sees his lover, but he says he has broken off all contact. In many cases where a person is still in town, that's hard to prove. But one thing's for sure, if he ever does see his lover, it will put him in a state of perpetual withdrawal from his addiction, and make the resolution of his marriage essentially impossible. In fact, one of the reasons he is not recovering after three months of separation may be that he is not being truthful about the separation.

Entire article here

No; a "security blanket" is what Linus carries around on "Peanuts." It's cute. If you've read MarriageBuilders concepts, then you should recognize that what you're doing is getting emotional needs met outside your marriage; and that is not cute; it is walking up to the line of emotional cheating yourself, and it is guaranteed to be an obstacle to your relationship with your husband. If you don't have the facts of the affair, that's a different matter, and if the trickle-truth only just ceased, then that's a different matter; but if by your own admission it's just a comfort-situation, then it's a for you. Tell the other woman's spouse "Thanks & goodbye" and invest your attention on your marriage. Talk with your H to shore up his EPs if you need to; he should be willing.
Be careful to be honest with yourselves. It's not that he "can't" change, it's that he (or perhaps you both?) doesn't want the inconvenience of changing jobs. And naturally you're apprehensive about the possibility of renewed contact, and naturally that is going to have an adverse impact on your approach to your marriage. It may be salutary to consider what kind of retirement will ensue if your marriage founders & drowns, and you both have to shell out loads of bucks on divorce lawyers & separate households.

I'm scared to death to let him go. I was pretty sure this was a main reason for the set back set but I just couldn't do it. I guess that's why I finally reached out to this site. I need to hear it and anything else anyone wants to throw at me. Thanks for commenting.

I should have explained that they did not have intercourse and only knew each other 2 months. They went out to dinner and a movie and the 3rd date was the motel. Then it ended for both of them. He said that he wasn't into her but thought what the heck my wife doesn't want me but his body said no. He said it was the compliments that he wanted from her because it made him feel good.
Does this mean that they still shouldn't work in the same facility because I might as well leave him now? He tried to transfer but the other hospital would have to buy out his $200, 000 contract.

So, waitaminute: Are you saying your husband has minimized his affair then, on grounds that [he says that] he didn't consummate sex (which I also would have a hard time believing if I were you)? People in affairs don't go to the trouble of getting hotel rooms just to chat & have coffee.

Does he not regard an emotional affair as every bit as serious as a physical affair?

And have you asked him to take a polygraph to ascertain whether he's been truthful?

He trained her at work and she kept wanting to meet up after work to talk about other positions in the facility. He said he finally decided to take her up on the offer. He said he was told that she was in an unhappy marriage and wanted to know about his. Anyway he told her he loved me but he was pretty sure I wasn't in love with him. The next date was a few days later to the movies. He said she got really upset cause he wasn't putting the moves on her and she verbalized this. He said he wasn't looking for sex but wanted to keep all those wonderful compliments she kept throwing his way. He said the next date was a few days later and he asked if she wanted to go to a motel. They hadn't even kissed before this. (They met in Feb. and starting talking the end of March. The first time they went out was the end of April. The motel was the first week in May). He said it was very awkward but he went ahead with it but couldn't perform. He said they were going to meet up again but her husband called us before they could, which was just a few days later. Her husband is a cop and had a program on the computer to track what sites the kids were on. She opened an email from him and her husband saw it. They wrote over 200 emails and none of them mentioned love or leaving anyone. He said that he would have never left me for anyone and he was an idiot. He said he knew only bad would come from it but he didn't think I would ever find out and he was only going to do it once. my husband hadn't changed one bit during this time with her. He wasn't distant and was still coming on to me, even though I turned him down each time. He never mentioned her name. He said he was so depressed over work and our relationship that he wished at times he would die.
Now he is very honest about everything, he always was up until the affair. He meets all the emotional needs that I listed and then some. He cried at the first couple counseling sessions. We haven't disagreed in forever since we use joint agreement. I'm sorry to say though that with all the positive things I've said I still can have trust issues. He also calls and texts all the time.

You asked how it ended. Her husband called him and then I called her husband back to see what was going on. My husband called her later on at my request. He told her that he loved me and he hoped she could fix her marriage.

When he does go to work ((he's in a 3 year school program and only has to work on extended closed days per his contract) he schedules himself when she isn't working. When he goes back after the 3rd year he will be in a completely different job and part of the facility.

i asked if he would take a polygraph and he said yes. I didn't make him because her husband found the email where he said to her that he was sorry that he couldn't do anything even after she went to the trouble of doing the oral thing on him. This is so not typical behavior for my husband. If family and friends knew they would kill over with disbelief.

Friends and family don't know? Who did you expose to? I agree with other posters, end all contact with OWH. This is dangerous behavior.

Do it.

I agree about the polygraph. And honestly, I might be out of line here, but your contact with the OWH sounds dangerously close to an EA as well. I would cut off ALL contact with him.

His 25 year old son and 23 year old daughter knows. When I saw how crushed they were I couldn't let it hurt anyone else. I'm going to end it with the OWH because i know you guys are right about it, I've always knew just hard to let go.

Sandy, (reinforcing) you have ENs that are being met by a man outside of your marriage. Pretty straight-forward. My goodness, emails several times/week? You know it, too...end it. You're sittin' pretty for an affair yourself. End it, girlie. Like, right now. My .02.

Sandy, this will doom your marriage. I wouldn't bother doing a single thing for your marriage until the above is changed. Anything you do will be a waste of time if they are going to resume contact because the affair will resume.

Your H had no will power over his attraction before and he won't in the future.

Is this true for all affairs? He said that he wasn't attracted to her physically. He said he liked the compliments she was giving him and they made him feel desireable again. I now have been meeting that emotional need. He said that she was a total fraud and he never had feelings for her at all. He said he thought it was over with us because I had lost interest. He said it was more of a she was interested and made it clear what she wanted. He said that he was so depressed that he wasn't thinking rationally. He said he didn't like anything about her except the compliments. I thought about telling someone at his work to maybe drive her to another job. what do you think? I hate hurting people even her. I talked to the OWH and we are no longer emailing. It was hard but my marriage and mental health are at risk.

Yeah, this is pretty typical stuff for a wayward. My FWH told me similar things (I've put his common comments in red.)

You haven't exposed this at their job?

Why do you think it was hard to stop emailing OWH?

You are right and something I already knew. I felt bad but I ended it because I will not end up having an affair and ripping out my husbands heart like he did mine.

Yes, it is true for all affairs. Recovery is impossible if they are in contact. Your marriage and your mental health will be at great risk when they start working together again because the affair will start back up. His feelings will be triggered again.


But it's ok to destroy your marriage and your mental health? What you would be doing by preventing this contact is protecting yourself from the OW. She is a dangerous person. This would be like saying you wouldn't take steps to stop the burglar breaking into your house because you don't want to "hurt him."

Does that make any sense? Are you going to sacrifice your marriage and your mental health because you don't want to hurt this intruder? She has assaulted you in the worst possible way. Why would you give her a chance to do it again?