It has only been a week since I found out about the affair... I hurt so so much. WH and I are supposed to be going out of state this weekend, with only one of our kids. The plan (known to me) is to "Plan A" this weekend and then drop the bomb when I get back.... but I don't know how to do it... I just keep crying and I am terrified. I have already told him I am willing to reconcile and that I want to meet his emotional needs, etc. etc. but I don't know how to ignore the affair for a whole weekend and give him love and attention.

Rather than focusing on giving him love and attention.....focus on being your own best self. Dress nice. Act clever. Act sensual. Act interested in things he says and the news and the activities.
Know that this is a time for you to reclaim your best self, even when you have just been handed this cruel blow of finding out about adultery.
Plan A is making yourself right with yourself and the wayward gets to see what you truly are.....not his justification/villafied imagery that allowed him to talk himself into the betrayel.

You do your best and at the same time avoid lovebusting
1. Angry outburst
2. Disrespectful judgements
3. Selfish demands

You will learn new, useful and important skills and crying is not a love buster. It is a human show of the pain and emotion and fair to accept even in plan A. Just not 24 hours a day and unaccompanied by
one
awesome
wife
being displayed for yourself and those who can view you.

this is a good question. your instinct makes you want to cry, rage, scream, lash out... you want to react to what is the greatest injustice you could imagine. how could he do this to you? i don't have the answer to that. and the more you tell him that you are willing to do whatever it takes, beg, plead, chase the more he will act disinterested.

handling an A is very bipolar. on the one hand you want to act nice, be strong, secure, attractive and the very opposite of needy. you want to be that woman who attracted him in the first place. you are the mother of his four children. does that not mean anything? not to him right now. it is like playing poker. you are not holding much in the way of cards right now, but that can change. you need to bluff your way thru here. pull your shades on. smile. b cool and strong. "you want OW? ok. but THIS is what you will be leaving behind."

and come Monday, let the s__t-storm begin. think dominatrix then. you want her? go ahead. but everyone will know. the fantasy is ended. it is like shining the light on a vampire. it will start to burn away.

think about who you are as a person, your positive attributes... this OW? she cannot hold a candle to you. don't forget that. let him have a slight taste of what he will be losing. come Monday the gloves are off. you can still be nice but he is going to have to face the music. post as much as you need to.

sometimes i do not know why i stay myself after having been thru what i have for as long as i have. my kids? 5 of them? she is blind to that right now as your H is blind to it as well. you need to tap into that deep reserve of strength that i KNOW that you have. your way of life is being threatened. there is an interloper in your home threatening to tear your M and family apart. don't let her. your H? he is NOT in his right mind. it is like dealing w/ a psych pt. be nice, approachable but when it comes time to take the medication there is no avoiding it. hang in there!!!

mehr, can you put your info in your signature line? When was dday, how long have you been in Plan A?

We all handle the stress of Plan A differently ~ I was like you, it was extremely difficult to control the crying/lovebusters. I had a Plan A list/notes that I had to look at several times a day, before and after each interaction with my WH to keep my head straight.

You have gotten great advice ~ focus on yourself, making the house nice, and the kids. If your WH is around and you feel like you are going to cry or have an AO, busy yourself in another room with a chore, go for a drive/errand, take a shower ~ those were my coping mechanisms.

Have you thought about seeing your dr to get on ADs? I know Dr H recommends this. My sister did this and she handled Plan A much better than I did...

I also think you need to start lining up your Plan B so that you are ready, it takes a couple of weeks anyway...

Hang in there!

mehr, you cannot be around him crying and pleading. Can you control your emotions? If you can't, WHICH IS PERFECTLY UNDERSTANDABLE, it would be better to cancel the trip. You will hurt the situation if you go with him and cry and plead.

Do you want to cancel it, mehr?

I don't think it is a good idea. I think I have to do this... I have to find the strength somewhere.

Is there any hope? I see so many stories that are so scary. Are there any recovery stories? The threads here are scary. I am going to see a lawyer in the morning because he has complete control over finances since he makes all the money.... so I am even afraid to expose, because when h is mad I don't know what he will do...

What is dday?

I am reading that book, I got it today. But tell me more why I have to prevent crying in front of him. If I know why it will help me to do it better. I manage to avoid it some but sometimes I do cry.

I haven't heard from him today.... which is so weird... but my whole life has changed with this.

You don't want to cry in front of him because he won't respect you for appearing to be needy. It will annoy him and make him impatient - waywards hate to have to tend to needs other than their own. It will also make him feel guilty, and waywards don't like to feel guilty.

Dig deep, mehr. You can do this. Put yourself into a role and carry this off.

Mehr,

What do you mean that "you don't know what he will do?"

Second, look at Mr. and Mrs. Wondering, Gloveoil, MelodyLane, Maritalbliss, Schoolbus for great examples of successes.

Others will weigh in here, but a whiny and sniveling BS is not attractive. Lady, you need to be the portrait of class right now. Strong, fabulous, beautiful and an image that is hot. YOU are the hottie here in respect, family and appearance. You'll find many BS here that know the struggle that you're faced with. I can't imagine, but others here can...it's Plan A. Have you read that? Scotland's thread has the link.

I feel for you. But, many others here know EXACTLY what you are going through. You're on a battlefield. Listen to the folks here, OK? The advice is NOT for the weak. Don't be scared off, and don't fight it either. Just read and hear, OK?

mehr, you need to be ready to get money out of your accounts. Some waywards will clean out their accounts to finance the A. Can you get to this between now and exposure without his knowledge?

I mean he is the only paycheck and he could stop direct deposit and leave me destitute.

I don't think I have seen the link.

You need to get to your accounts and move some money out of there. Don't close the accounts. Just take out enough to last you for a short while. I can't give you and exact amount because I don't know your financial situation. Some here have suggested that the total be divided by the number of people in the house. For example, add you + four kids = 5/6 of whatever's in the accounts. Use common sense - how much do you need for, say, 1 month? Take that if you can.

Good job on talking with an attorney. Make sure you understand your options.

I'm not suggesting that he is going to leave you destitute. It's just working smart to cover assets for you and your children.

So he called from work just now... he said he was talking to his dad about selling our van and buying another one. We talked about that. I stayed calm and don't think I withdrew any love units but I don't think any were deposited either. I asked how he was doing, he said tired. I said I love you before we got off the phone. He said, Okay, bye.

The one thing that is counter intuitive about this is, what if he thinks based on how I am asking we can be "friends" after divorce? What if he thinks he can have his cake and eat it too?

What he thinks right now is immaterial, mehr. He's a wayward. They think all kinds of wacky drivel. Just stay with the plan.

So when does it matter what he thinks? Eek... I am so confused :P

I wish this book covered more of the time period when he doesn't want to give OW up.... still reading though...

Mehr,

I know it's hard but take it from someone who just came out of Plan A and is now in Plan B - do whatever you can to put on a brave face. I worked out, went to a therapist, went to a homeopathic dr for natural depression remedies, got facials, bought sexy clothes...all for my act. And it was an act...inside I felt like I was coming apart.

I cried all day but put on a welcoming face for my WH - I greeted him at door with a kiss, smile and hug. I made what he wanted for dinner. I asked about his day. Made sure house was spotless. I scheduled lots of things for us to do together (walks e.g.). I tried to never talk about our M or cry in front of him.

But the longer I was in Plan A, the more I started to come apart and I could tell my H was annoyed. In my opinion, the more I showed my H my emotions and how badly I hurt, the more he justified the affair.

We're now in Plan B after his affair continued - even after I exposed.

I wish I had taken money out of our bank account because my H (I earn 1/3 of what my H does) stole thousands from our account and left me with $.09 & stopped his direct deposit. He purposely charged dinners with OW to the only credit card we shared immediately after I went Plan B - just to rub it in my face.

My H feels entitled to cake-eat. He was angry when I stopped letting him. Now he's just out to get me - in his mind, this is all my fault.

Be prepared for your WH to act as badly as possible. I never thought my H would leave me with no money. I never thought he would act as callously as he has but that is the nature of having an affair - waywards are totally selfish.

Well I don't think i am doing a proper Plan A anyway because he is living with HER already.

It will matter when he's cut OW out of his life permanently. Until then it's all just a hobgoblin of wayward-speak.

Now head over to that yellow box on the right side of your screen and click on "Part 1 - How Do Affairs Begin?" Start reading. There won't be a quiz. But DO ask any questions.

In SAA, one of the case studies involved a WW who waffled between her H & OM for months - moving in and out. That helped me understand how selfish and conflicted my H is.

I had a hard time searching the forums so I went on line and searched "Marriage Builders" and the term I was looking for - affair with coworker, success stories, notable threads, etc. I found really old results that way - from before 2004.

I did Plan A with H in the house but ultimately, we're not in vastly different scenarios. My H works with OW every day and I'm sure he's slept over her house. Heck - he slept with her for 1 full year while we were married so what would stop him now that he's living with his parents (who just want him to be happy).

But my H is very worried about losing custody of our DD4 so I don't think he'll jeopardize custody for OW. Plus a part of me likes to think he has no intention of marrying the ho. But I could be wrong...

I've read ALL of it... and I am almost done with the book. I notice the book doesn't emphasis exposing as much. Does that mean it would be a safe book to show DH? Or would it be pointless? I guess i would like him to know that surviving is possible and thriving too.