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I know quite a few places I would like to post that "finding yourself" thing! 
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Strgglingaz, Hang in there, you have some wonderful ladies posting to you! Some of the guys aren't so bad either. In time the fantasy of the OM will be replaced with more realistic, logical thoughts and memories. I had "RDD" when I arrived here, and so do most waywards I've seen. (Reality Deficit Disorder) RDD passes with a daily dose of MB Ritalin.... 
Recovery began 10/07;
Meeting my wife's EN's is my "thank you" that refuses to be silenced.
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HerPapaBear makes an excellent point, even with the RDD humor. When you are trying to work your way out of the fog, WHO you allow yourself to listen to is extremely important. There are lots of psychobabble voices out there that will minimize adultery and try to shortcut personal responsibility.....but trust me when I say that real repentance and doing the real work brings about real healing and recovery. Anything worth doing is worth doing reight, and that goes double for recovery.
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Thanks so much for everyone on here. I can TRULY say that without being on here, I don't know if I would have made the decision to start moving in the right direction. As of today, I have had NC with the OM for a week and it is easy as hell. I FINALLY decided (which was huge, because before I had never made a conscious decision) that there were no options as to what needed to be done. I got the OM out of my mind and started focusing on my husband and his wounds and it wasn't nearly as hard as I had anticipated. Granted, we have a long road ahead of us, but I am feel very positive of what will develop in the next year or two. I look back and it is SO clear to me that I truly was a fog and find it hard to believe that I was ever that person. So, I guess what I am trying to say is that progress is being made in the right direction and I partly owe that to all of you fine individuals.
Me - 29 WW
H - 35
DD1 - 6yo
DD2 - 2yo
DDay - Feb 26, 2011
Hope to be recovered sooner than later!!
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Okay so Mrs. W, I did what you advised and sent a message to change the title of my post??? I hope I did it right?? Will it change all of them from the beginning or just any from this point forward?
Me - 29 WW
H - 35
DD1 - 6yo
DD2 - 2yo
DDay - Feb 26, 2011
Hope to be recovered sooner than later!!
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Thanks so much for everyone on here. I can TRULY say that without being on here, I don't know if I would have made the decision to start moving in the right direction. As of today, I have had NC with the OM for a week and it is easy as hell. I FINALLY decided (which was huge, because before I had never made a conscious decision) that there were no options as to what needed to be done. I got the OM out of my mind and started focusing on my husband and his wounds and it wasn't nearly as hard as I had anticipated. Granted, we have a long road ahead of us, but I am feel very positive of what will develop in the next year or two. I look back and it is SO clear to me that I truly was a fog and find it hard to believe that I was ever that person. So, I guess what I am trying to say is that progress is being made in the right direction and I partly owe that to all of you fine individuals.  
Last edited by markos; 03/16/11 11:34 AM. Reason: change title
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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strugglingaz,
I loved reading your comment, I know what that takes for you to self reflect and now on top of being a better woman because of that thinking, you are putting your husband's needs first over your own.......you make it sound easy but I know it isn't. stay strong, the benefits will be so rewarding..............
hugs.........jessi
BW 56
WH 57
Married 25 years, live together for 2, dated 2 years before that.....
DS 23, DS 25
D-Day Nov 23/09
NC Mar 1/10
Working on Recovery
Grateful for finding Marriage Builders
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Okay so Mrs. W, I did what you advised and sent a message to change the title of my post??? I hope I did it right?? Will it change all of them from the beginning or just any from this point forward? Love the new title! The title change will just be on the first post where it can be seen anytime someone is looking at the SAA page...That's where it counts really. Plus, I think the mods would kill you if you asked them to change it on every post!  Mrs. W
FWW ~ 47 ~ MeFBH ~ 50 ~ MrWonderingDD ~ 17 Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered
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Thanks so much for everyone on here. I can TRULY say that without being on here, I don't know if I would have made the decision to start moving in the right direction. As of today, I have had NC with the OM for a week and it is easy as hell. I FINALLY decided (which was huge, because before I had never made a conscious decision) that there were no options as to what needed to be done. I got the OM out of my mind and started focusing on my husband and his wounds and it wasn't nearly as hard as I had anticipated. Granted, we have a long road ahead of us, but I am feel very positive of what will develop in the next year or two. I look back and it is SO clear to me that I truly was a fog and find it hard to believe that I was ever that person. So, I guess what I am trying to say is that progress is being made in the right direction and I partly owe that to all of you fine individuals. This is very encouraging to read, Stugglin...Keep that attitude EVEN on the bad days...Come here for pep talks anytime you need them... I wanted to talk to you about this being your first conscious choice though...I think that may mean [and I could be wrong] that you felt like things "just happened" where OM was concerned -- that you didn't make conscious choices along the way...If you look back I think you will see that you did make conscious choices throughout [boundary movement/removal] -- a series of very small choices that led to the false feeling that with OM things "just happened naturally" -- Because of all those tiny, almost imperceptible choices, the "big" choice didn't even seem to be a choice at all...but make no mistake, they were choices...Think about that and see if it makes sense to you now, okay? Mrs. W
FWW ~ 47 ~ MeFBH ~ 50 ~ MrWonderingDD ~ 17 Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered
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The title change will just be on the first post where it can be seen anytime someone is looking at the SAA page...That's where it counts really. But we can change it internally, as i just did, at any time. If people replying can remember to check that the "Re" area above says the new title when they reply, the old title will disappear! Hurray!
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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Keep coming here for support and guidance. There are so many great people here to help you!!
You are on the right track, but still have a long road ahead of you.
Keep fighting and growing into the wonderful wife you know you can be!!
Me:44 BS
H:45 FWS
Married 22 yrs
Together 27 yrs
3 children: 14, 12, 9
EA then PA: Oct '09 - Aug '10
DDay: 8/20/10
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The title change will just be on the first post where it can be seen anytime someone is looking at the SAA page...That's where it counts really. But we can change it internally, as i just did, at any time. If people replying can remember to check that the "Re" area above says the new title when they reply, the old title will disappear! Hurray! That is true! I forgot about that! I can't believe I let silly foreigner beat me at something -- Ah well, even a stopped clock is right twice a day!  Mrs. W
FWW ~ 47 ~ MeFBH ~ 50 ~ MrWonderingDD ~ 17 Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered
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Great new title, and you are right. Stick around here long enough and you will begin to really see the recovered marriages...you will SEE what you can have if you stay the course. This stuff really works, I promise!
Me,BW - 42; FWH-46 4 kids D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006 D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR) Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007 In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks.
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Mrs. W, actually I don't feel that things "just happened" with the OM because had it not been for me taking all of the first steps, nothing would have ever developed. I made a conscious decision to go see him for the first time. So, I understand completely what you are saying and what went wrong as far as personal boundaries, etc. to cause all of the events to take place.
Me - 29 WW
H - 35
DD1 - 6yo
DD2 - 2yo
DDay - Feb 26, 2011
Hope to be recovered sooner than later!!
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Mrs. W, actually I don't feel that things "just happened" with the OM because had it not been for me taking all of the first steps, nothing would have ever developed. I made a conscious decision to go see him for the first time. So, I understand completely what you are saying and what went wrong as far as personal boundaries, etc. to cause all of the events to take place. Live this. This is a tremendous step!
"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr
"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer
"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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Mrs. W, actually I don't feel that things "just happened" with the OM because had it not been for me taking all of the first steps, nothing would have ever developed. I made a conscious decision to go see him for the first time. So, I understand completely what you are saying and what went wrong as far as personal boundaries, etc. to cause all of the events to take place. Live this. This is a tremendous step! Yes! Love the new thread title, BTW.
FWW
"Snow and adolescence are the only problems that disappear if you ignore them long enough." ~ Earl Wilson
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So, me being in the position that I am at the moment, in which I do not have feelings for my husband (and he doesn't for me right now, for that matter), I do feel a little hesitant at wanting to give up everything for him. It feels a little bit like I am losing a piece of my identity (if you will). Is this normal feelings? I have always been an independent woman who came and went and did as I pleased (which, I KNOW, is why I am here), so the idea of this seems completely foreign. Also, my next question is, will this "struggle" between my H and I be a life long obstacle or will it ever become second nature??
Values & principles, and your personal integrity should become your most important guide. I do not think you ought to trust your feelings as you make "rest of your life" decisions.
Having a good life depends upon doing what you should be doing when you should be doing it.
If you want a really screwed up life, base all your decisions on your wants/desires/feelings, and ignore your values.You took vows when you got married.
What did your vows promise?
Did you make a promise on your wedding day to live independently and make your own decisions irregardless of how your choices might effect your spouse?
Your struggle is with your personal values.
What are the values you threw away when you gave yourself permission to have an affair?
Self betrayal is at the core of most adultery decisions.
Last edited by Pepperband; 03/16/11 02:43 PM.
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As you begin to develop a deeper understanding of what a "personal boundary" means, I suggest you take a look at the first post on THIS THREAD - Anatomy of Adultery - How it starts . You will see how easily something that seems so innocent AT FIRST, can go so  so wrong. As you read that first post, think about personal boundaries that would PREVENT the slide downward into adultery.
Last edited by Pepperband; 03/16/11 02:42 PM.
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FEELINGS are ever-changing.
Values & principles, and your personal integrity should become your most important guide. I do not think you ought to trust your feelings as you make "rest of your life" decisions.
Having a good life depends upon doing what you should be doing when you should be doing it.
If you want a really screwed up life, base all your decisions on your wants/desires/feelings, and ignore your values.
You took vows when you got married.
What did your vows promise?
Did you make a promise on your wedding day to live independently and make your own decisions irregardless of how your choices might effect your spouse?
Your struggle is with your personal values.
What are the values you threw away when you gave yourself permission to have an affair?
Self betrayal is ar the core of most adultery decisions. Excellent, excellent post, Pep! I was JUST thinking along those lines last night. Because although I absolutely adore Mr. W with all my heart and am very much in love with him -- I'm still human and so is he -- We have days where we don't "feel" super-duper lovey-dovey -- Everybody has those days -- the key is remembering that feelings are TRANSIENT -- AND that you have control over your feelings -- because you have control over your actions... Choose actions that are in line with your values. And remember that LOVING ACTIONS result in LOVING FEELINGS... Yesterday it was rainy here -- the night before our power had gone off for 4 hours which interrupted our sleep and we were both tired -- I felt BLAH -- I chose to allow myself to do nothing -- at the end of the day I felt bored and sluggish -- I had no sense of accomplishment at all -- I reminded myself that I had no one to thank for the way I felt but myself -- I had other choices -- I could have made myself be productive, but I chose not to. I chose negative actions [inaction] and my feelings followed exactly what I chose. Surprise! I vowed to do better today, and I have -- Guess what? I FEEL BETTER...Because today I am choosing to engage in LIFE...To INVEST - To SERVE...Being under invested in life is very often the problem of a WW -- Because it results in BOREDOM and IDLENESS -- neither of which leads to good feelings... Mrs. W <~~~Off to "invest" in some groceries to make a yummy dinner for our family tonight!
FWW ~ 47 ~ MeFBH ~ 50 ~ MrWonderingDD ~ 17 Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered
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What's up with Pep changing the thread title back, after all we've said?!
I've changed it back again. Nobody is to use the old one ever again, or there'll be trouble!
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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