chickadee,

The reason I am recommending that you spy on your H is so that you can find out whether their contact is continuing. Isn't that obvious? I am not suggesting that you torture yourself with the information for the sake of it. I'm suggesting that you find out vital things, such as who she is, for one. How can you possibly protect yourself from her attacking your marriage if you do not know who she is? What if she is your next-door neighbour, or your husband's boss? How could you affair-proof your marriage if you don't know what you are protecting it against?

As to whether spying is a way to live:

Do you not want to find out whether the affair is continuing, or becomes active again soon? Don't you want to know the truth about whom your H is sleeping with? If you'd rather not know, then I won't urge you to find out. I don't choose to be married to someone in an affair, but you have the right to choose your way of life.

OW probably wrote to you hoping that you would leave H. My H's OW sent text messages for me to intercept for that reason. She admitted that to me. If you look at the forum where unmarried OWs post, you will see that many of them try to break up their married man's affair by exposuring to his wife.

SugarCane

i do agree- i guess i am asking how long do i spy? i dont want to be doing that forever. I do know her name and town, which is not next town over thank god. I am a spy by nature and i know how i can get (not crazy-just inquistive), i purposefully have not behaved in a manner that i would regret.

I also dont choose to be married to a cheater, but at what point is the obsessiveness about his actions unheathly for me. I would rather say good bye.

OW probably wrote to you hoping that you would leave H- duh, thats a very good point. i am not that manipulitive

I dont think i can read that site yet i would throw up. Who writes on that? people who are in recovery or what.

thanks for all of your comments- its always good to see different sides to things.

Chickadee,

I'm a FWW. I encourage my BH to "spy" on me. And will continue to do so. I know you say you don't want to do that forever, but it's how you keep your marriage safe.

I do see your point about not wanting to live with spying and suspicion forever, but you are far from the point where you should worry that spying is becoming "unhealthy" or obsessive.

You have only just discovered this affair (is that right?) and it seems to have reached quite a level, if OW is deeply upset, threatening certain acts and refusing mutually to end the affair. You discovered the affair in full steam, long before it began to die any kind of death through boredom. The point I have been trying to make it that is is very likely still continuing, and so you must spy to find out where you stand.

You can think about when to stop spying when the affair is many months dead and your marriage seems firmly on the road to recovery.

The site I was talking about is nothing to do with MB. It is a site for "other women". Don't go there; it will be bad for your health. It is most certainly NOT frequented by people in recovery; they are "other women" (and a few "other men") who are either active in their affairs, and celebrating the snatched moments they spend with their married men, or they have been humped and dumped, and they are there commiserating with each other.

yes brand new! like a virgin, ha!

he says he is done with it and had not contacted her ( as i know) , but she keeps trying to reach out, love the call blocker! But i see your point. I have checked all the posible communication sources that i can, but i cannot check his work...

" You can think about when to stop spying when the affair is many months dead and your marriage seems firmly on the road to recovery."= ok thats fair, just hate having to be the person, i worked at not becoming (the obsessive wife)


oh gosh, i wont be visitng anytime soon. thats terrible.

I am having a tough time with all of the abbreviations...

Read here.

thanks for all advice, have not been able to get onto site for a day.. took some of your advice. call blocker works great now, but she is trying hard to reach him, he has had no communication that i know of. and i have checked, i sent the letter he wrote today so lets see it the harrassment continues. then i can continue with grief and all of the rest of the typical feelings.


little bit of the anxiety has subsided for today.

waiting for the rabbit though.....

btw- the night that i found out i made him call his family and tell them. now they are rallying behind him. thoughts? blood i thicker than water i guess. was that the best idea, in the heat of the moment, made me feel better

chickadee1 - My WW's family is largely standing behind her. So, be prepared for that. Hopefully there'll be one or two family members that will stand up for you and for what's right. Rely on your support network to get you through, along with this board. There are a lot great people here.

what i cant believe is that they are also female and he was wrong, they need to grow some balls and believe if it happened to them they would want the troops to rally around them. amazing to me. is it that they want to show support or they like the drama, since it not theirs.

was it a mistake that i made him call them? not that i think i care but the its like a feeding frenzy thats annoying. i really dont have any family left (many deaths in 2009) so it bothersome, but lots of friends!

chickadee1 - you're attempting to apply logic to an inherently illogical situation (in my best Mr. Spock voice). I would only confide the deepest, darkest details and thoughts to a couple of people. I would also suggest that they be non-relatives. That way, if you reconcile, the awkward moments at family functions are minimized. I'm about one month out from exposure and it's been a tough road. My WW is very strong willed and stubborn, but others that started around the same time have had more success. Hang on, it's going to be a bumpy ride.

love that! i am logical to a fault i guess. i have only told my closest friends thought i made him fess up to his family, i wasnt going to let them think he was mr wonderful forever. i am lucky he is not pushing back at all, hes happy he got caught, or as he says relieved that is over (????). still going to be hard. the anxiety is the worst part. having our first session together this satruday. i have been 3 times in what 10 days, and never before that.


d day 2/23/11

Were you with him when he told his family? Did you personally hear what he said to them?

yes i was with him, thought that was best....

Look at it this way: your H has just been caught getting high on heroin. He is relieved that he has been exposed, because the drug is too powerful for him to stop on his own. You must take extraordinary efforts to get him out of his drug-induced fog, so that he is lucid enough to start recovery.

Keeping track of him right now is a task that may not be pleasant, but it is what he needs from you, believe it or not. He will go through withdrawals and he will lie to get his next fix. It is universal in A's. Help him by monitoring him.

hey! i am back- lots of talking and counseling going on. just was reading the post about "HE is agreeing to everything... what does it mean?" sound like my situation very much. things are going ok, installed all of the keyloggers have all the blocks.... my problem is how do you get over the horrible details described in the note, this was something that was sone to obvissously make me upset and leave, but the is truth to it and i am having a hard time getting past it. i have told him that and he can understand why. but i cannot get it out of my min.

ok this thing need spell checker!

this was something that was done to obvisously make me upset and leave, but the is truth to it and i am having a hard time getting past it. i have told him that and he can understand why. but i cannot get it out of my mind. sorry for the typos

chickadee1 - your emotions are understandably raw. Please allow yourself some time, before making any important decisions.

chickadee1, this is still your best "port of refuge." Things are new, raw, hurting and uncertain. You (and your husband) are not prepared to deal with things logically and reasonably. So do as you have just done -- come here and vent, scream, whine, complain, whimper or whatever you need as an outlet.

When my (now ex-)wife was coming in and out of the house, moving things out, phoning the OM, smoking up a storm, and behaving like a space alien, I was on this board posting minute-by-minute updates. I had no support system, and I also had no idea what was happening.

The people here nurtured me, tutored me, and (virtually) hugged me during the whole time. Marriage Builders was my lifeline and my lifesaver.

When the worst was over, the people here still guided me, steered me to sanity and health. My gratitude is why I'm still here; to try to "pay it forward," if you will.

For the time being, let Marriage Builders be the "adult" and you just be the "child." Bit by bit, things will seep in, and you'll find yourself growing and recovering. I promise!