Maybe his employer can help out with regard to the email? Sure, it'd probably be an awkward conversation, but I think we all know how it is to be hit with these types of reminders all the time.

As for wanting to be nasty to OW...ha, ha, join the club! I don't remember who said it (someone on here I think) but the best revenge against an OW is a life and marriage well lived with your husband. Screw her, you're better than she'll ever be.

i agree! but what are the fees to be in the imaginary club i will pay them. i love to hang up the phone at work and say all the bad things i want, but those arent the real issues, so talkin on this and to myself are helpful...

as for the phone work thing i brought it up and he knows that this is a critical step and bc she is a stalker.. its a move that has to be made, we dicussed how to deal with it, since his career is built on the number. email is easy, all his business is phone, i wish he were in the business where they all sat in- front of a compter- that would be easy but they are on job sites . so 20 years of contacts is hard, but he is going to change, the contact with mgmt will be hard, but he realized that this is the price of his actions. just any suggestions would be helpful, they will still keep his number bc thats where the relations lie for business, so some kid at the co. will be getting the crap from her, which will not be good.

I know i am being a bit more open on how this is going down, but his job is critical to our lives and moving forward. i am lucky there was no work realtions.

also follow up- he emailed for his own appointment...

I would say not bad for 36 hours after some light hit him and the fog is begining to lift.

ITA.

chick, it is IMPERATIVE that you two stop this contact. Each time she tries to make contact, she is triggering both of you and hindering any progress you are making in a R. Change the phone numbers and emails, like, yesterday.

If she continues to try to make contact, file the RO.

Please please be more proactive about this. I cannot stress how damaging this is to your R.

[[[chickadee]]]

Thoughts:

1. OW wanted out so she sent the wife a message?
NO! This is not how single OW end their affair with a MM.
A single OW is very different from a married OW.
A single OW wants to "be" the wife.
If a single OW wants out, she tells the MM "It's over."
She would not want more trouble by snitching to the BW.

2. OW might be a "bit off"?
It's possible she's a "bunny burner" a'la Glenn Close in the film FATAL ATTRACTION.
If this were the case, you'd be getting more support from your H.
OW would be amping up some crazy chit.
This is possible, but unlikely.

3. Wanted to hurt him because he told her "no more, buh-bye".
Again, possible, but not as likely as #4.

4. OW is deeply emotionally invested with your H, and she thought (wrongly) that he would be "hers" if you knew about the affair, because you'd kick WH to the curb.
THIS IS THE MOST LIKELY REASON for a single OW to disclose the affair to the BW.

This was an obvious attempt to get you to kick your WH to the curb, where OW would be the taxi waiting to take him to her lair........

EDIT to add:

Make a copy of her unwanted emails and take them to the police station.
Get a restraining order.

Also .... take a copy to your attorney and have him/her draft a mean sounding cease/desist letter to OW.

Also, buy a whistle.
If she ever calls, you blow the whistle into the phone. Say nothing.

bingo #4!

but she is a bit off from what i am gathering, alarm installed today, finally! i like the cease and desist idea, left message for laywer.

i still think she has bunny burning potential......

How frightened of her instability is your H?
Ask him.

i will ask him but i get a sense that he is a bit concerned since he thought the NC note would end it. but she is continuing. he never gave her his work email, she found it.. she makes up different email addresses....

he made up crazy lies when he was trying to end it, she kept hounding
she gave him printouts about me-
she had found out things about his family

anybody can find out info on anyone, so i know it was accessable but to print it out, bit wako.

been off for a bit.. have a question and an update. We have been working the program and have had a few sessions with jennifer, very helpful. He jumped on a session as soon as i told him i did one. He has been really good with communication and attention and understanding how much damage he has done. I would say he is enthusiastic, my question is.. i am very happy that he is so committed to this, and he feels like he is falling in love again, but i am still realing from this so i would say i am not as giddy as he is. I am afraid that his giddyness will wane in waiting for me to get there. rrgghh, just when he gets there, i am not there yet. I do love him, otherwise i would not be doing this. I am just not at the giddy stage. suggestions/advice????

btw- a cease and desist letter is in progress, so i hope that ends it, but i am aware that it could make it worse. the only hope is that shes a chicken and lawyers scare her.

ok need advice... I behaved poorly last night, threw things, but not at him (one thing was a roll of toilet paper), oh yeah called him liar,liar liar.(not my shining moment)but i did back it up, with that i was fighting for this marrige. this was after i found out that he was not honest with me and there was another indescretion, no sex. i thought we were working on the plan, what did i miss? doesnt the plan include revealing all indescretions? ugg bad day, didnt go to work beacuse i needed to seriously consider what i am doing.

Sorry to hear the news, how long ago was this other "indiscretion" that he mentioned?

some time in the summer, but i really dont know what to believe anymore.

How is he acting--remorseful, asking you not to leave him, etc?

Technically, you weren't supposed to have an AO when he told you that as part of O&H--but, really, I doubt anyone would fault you for lobbing the roll of toilet paper at him. Many would have selected something with a little more weight to it

Is OW#2 married? You need to tell her husband if that's the case.

very remorseful...or guilty... ah ha part of the fine line, he was not confessing per se i was questioning him... so he fessed up. he would not have told me, i asked him.

i dont know if she is married, i dont even think he knows who she is one time thing i think, but i also thought we are doing pretty good this past week.

just had a short talk -ok- he is remorseful, feels "disgusted with himself, ruined everything... doesnt know how to make it better, cannot undo this...."

I am normally a great communicator, but sat there, i think i am stunned into silence, i dont know how to respond. thoughts?

Chickadee, do you think you've gotten the full story yet?

If not, maybe you should ask for a poly. It demonstrates to the WS that you are not going to accept half-truths and oftentimes they fess up before you even get to the poly.

I am sorry you are going through this. Pep said one time that it's the lies that are the real poison arrows. How true. ((chickadee))

thanks susieq..
yes the lies are the arrows.

more tears and apologies last night. I think i may have gotten it all but i dont know. i think at this point i could just ask, he know the damage that he has caused and the pain and damage this last lie has done, i am really just so numb and exhaused. I dont know what to say. all of the positive affirmation and outlook in in the pits today.

did go say, that he cannot understand with the amount i pain that i am in how could i be willing to fight for this. today, i am not there. tomorrow, or this afternoon i may be better. we have a MC appointment today, it my session but he asked if he could come, i am undecided.

thanks to all for the advice, it is nice to know there is someone to vent to.

It's ok if you cannot respond--just tell him that. It's these "trickle truths" that really hurt, sorry to hear that you're getting these.

NW, its not like you dont have enough going on in your life, so i do appreciate you reassurance that i could be stunned, and i told him that i was trying to absorb everything.

just wish i was being a better plan A'er like i was, just not in it today.... But i look good today, so that one thing.

thank you!

Sometimes you just don't know what to say, or don't even really care if that makes any sense. It'll come and go, but if you sense that your husband is sincerely trying to make a go at this, then it's up to you whether to continue or hang back a bit.

I don't think it (self-preservation) is necessarily a bad thing, though. It's just figuring out if it's safe enough to trust again that is the hard part