All divorces in my state are bench trials.
The reason it was put on hold for 3 months--his lawyer was pleased that I wanted a legal separation. I really think she's afraid of the impression I would make on the judge (distraught and weeping abandoned wife), combined with the facts (he's left me and is divorcing me because of his adultery) and that would cause the judge to rule in all matters in my favor. I'd get alimony, I'd get half of that retirement he's trying so hard to keep, etc. So a three month delay--that's what WH would agree to if I would be content for a lesser amount of monthly support. So I agreed because I really wanted the extra time.

I know that he'll eventually get his divorce, but it won't be the no-fault divorce he wants. It will be a fault divorce and OW will be deposed and testify in court. Or he can give me a legal separation. That's his choices. He just doesn't realize it yet.

I'm in Plan B. I shouldn't have spoken to him, but there we were, virtually alone in the huge lobby area, and I wanted to know if this was still what he wanted. And so I got my answer and it hurt, but he knows I still don't want this, so it also hurt him. I hope.

You did good, but I'm going to be honest here. The attny for WH is going to harp on two points. One, you're going to a counselor and therapist and two, you admit to reasons as to why the marriage had issues.

Please NEVER do that again and drop all talk of any counselors, or you being at all any reason the marriage had issues. The other side will go after any possible weakness should this go to trial, and she knows she can push (the WH attny) your buttons b/c you got weepy and emotional.

Now yes, that can work FOR you on the stand, but you want to appear together and totally strong. It was nice your wh got to see one last shred of your emotions and how you feel about it.

But you seriously have to understand Hope, that a WS has gone to amazing lengths to get this wayward, and he won't leave the fog for a good while if he's at this point.

Of course in time he will regret this, and may very well be regretting things now, but he's got the ow on his azz and she's pushing for this, you can bet.

If it goes to trial, please depose the ow. I did and it was awesome. I also NAMED HER in the grounds for the adultery. I had it worded as "plaintiff peachy seeks divorce on the grounds of adultery and mental cruelty after a long and prolonged affair with Monkeyho." Something like that.

I had a plan and a reason. It is public record. In case things got swept under the rug in time, I wanted my ds to find out that his dad and mom got a divorce NOT because they had "irreconcialable differences" but because daddy had an affair with a bad, bad lady (monkeyho and family values, the two ow).

I wanted it to be front and center and always added stress to his affair. Just the xh knowing, REALLY KNOWING and having that burden of proof placed upon his head and her head (the ow) that THE AFFAIR was the true demise of our marriage, helped their affair die. It wasn't a love affair for the ages, as those idiots painted it to be. They're enemies now. They don't speak. It all was revealed in time to be a shame, a lie, and something that took down a family that once was.

So make sure if he goes for that stupid divorce, that the real reason is unmasked for the world to see for all times. Anybody who wishes to know the truth about things, will be able to find it out. And anybody who wishes to know who the identity of the ow in your case is, will be able to see her shame in print.

Please remain strong and keep on keeping on! YOu did well today, but do not ever give them (the opposing side) any ammunition at all against you. Remember now, you're fighting a wayward and fighting for your kids and the future. Your wh can always one day, decide that his life he's living is a huge lie and wrong and change, but in the event he turns out like my xh, a perpetual wayward now, you NEED to protect yourself and the kids financially and emotionally from any further drama for life.

That is your job as of this day. Life can change in a split second. Your pain of today might fade into joy in the near future! And I can guarantee your heart while feeling it's in a million pieces now, might feel more alive and loved than ever also in the near future.

When I was right where you are now, I remember feeling so far from love, except from my family and friends. I remember feeling as thought nobody would ever love me again and that I'd never get over my broken heart. But I was wrong! God and faith and time stitched my broken heart and today I am loved by my family and friends and precious child still, but also now am loved by a faithful and loving and absolutely wonderful husband of seven months!

God had something different planned for my future. I had to trust HIM. He had something far better in mind. I don't have that horrible stress as much now. I don't worry or fear my H will ever be unfaithful. My son, family and friends love him and support our M. It is a total 180 from the marriage I once had before.

The beautiful part about your life now is that God will do one of two amazing things. One, He could bring about a change and stirring in your WH and make him turn around and create in time a new M from your old one. Or Two, He could create a brighter and more beautiful different future for you, providing like He did for me, in time the RIGHT life partner for you, and one your children and family and friends will also love and will treat you like a queen.

You don't know which way things will go. All you need to worry about is keeping yourself in a good spot right now both emotionally and financially and for the kids too. Please go back to a dark plan B with WH during this tempestuous period.

It is healthier now, b/c you need to have clarity of thought and don't need to let your emotions rule your head right now. It's crucial that you secure stability and finances for yourself and the kids. I even remember a few things my dear (she passed last year) grandmother told me when I was going thru the mess with the lawyers and the divorce. I remember crying all the time and felt awful.

Grandma told me this, "Quit crying and take care of business. Make the outcome as of now as good as you can for your son, and when it's all over you can cry then. You got work to do."

She was right. Just go through things logically and try to detach emotion from it right now. Plan B is a good friend to accomplish this goal with.

Trust me, the memory of you saying those words to your WH will be burned in his mind, even if he goes thru with the divorce.

Not sure if you remember this, but about a year after our divorce, his affairage wistress wife found a secret hiding spot under a floorboard in their house. Inside of a small box (a cigar box) was a ziploc baggie. Inside the baggie was my plan B letter and my first wedding band, a simple plain gold band. I had included that in my plan B letter.

He had saved it and apparently, in hiding it, had read it over and over, despite the fact he'd married his mistress. She found it, had a huuuuge hissy fit, a massive crying fit, and called ME to act as thought I was actively RUINING HER MARRIAGE. Go the heck figure that crap out.

Nope. I told her it was old. That he had the memories of OUR ONCE GOOD MARRIAGE, and that he might have had regrets in his marriage to HER and that I wrote that when SHE was breaking up my family.

She asked me to come get it. I said no. I immediately after left a voice mail on xh's cell phone and asked for no reply. I told him she found my letter and wedding ring I gave HIM and said she had threatened to destroy my letter, ring, and the truth, if I didn't come and get it.

I said to my xh in that voicemail b/f I went back to a black plan B, "I am glad you kept that letter and my ring. I am glad to know it mattered in the end to you, but want you to know that it never mattered to your affair wife, that she ruined your family and now she wishes to destroy the truth again. Never fear, tell her whenever she needs a refresher in truth, go to the courthouse and read our divorce proceedings."

Apparently they had a huge fight after that, b/c my son was to go to their home for visitation that weekend, and he didn't.

Your WH has the choice to remain wayward or not. It lies within himself. You can't make him change. But you can make things as easy for yourself and the kids as possible and keep improving yourself. Life will look up soon! Go back to plan B. We're here too! Hugs.

Peachy, thank you so much for the long and honest reply. This is the first chance today I've had to reply (I went shopping with DD28). However, your reply was on my mind quite a bit today.
Peachy, WH knows I'm seeing a therapist; I had no way around answering her questions except with honesty as I was under oath. I really think she (WH's attorney) pushed for the 3 month postponement because I was rock-solid in my testimony about finances, etc. until she asked me if I wanted a divorce. The difference even startled me!

I know OW is all over his azz about this, but I also sense something has changed there. He's not going there this weekend; when/if he goes next weekend it will be 4 weeks since his last visit. This is a big improvement over his every-other-week visiting schedule of Oct. - January. I'm trying to not read too much into it, but it's hard not to. I just keep telling myself that he can't get off from work, but I know that's not true--he can get off whenever he wants.

Peachy, I am ALL OVER this! Either I'm going to trial and deposing and subpoenaing Dumpy to testify or I'm getting a legal separation. No ifs, ands, or buts--those are his choices.
Got it! Gonna do it! Love it! (I might be a wee bit vindicative.....);)

I do feel that God has a plan for me, but I don't know if it's the one I desire the most. I still truly, deeply love my WH and it's my daily prayer that God keep him in his hands and return him to me and his children.

My IC is working with me to envision a future without my WH, but it's hard-going for me. I'm getting there, but it's a ways off still before I accept it.

And I'm returning to a dark plan B; it is so much better for me.

I'd read the first part of this story--that you XWH had kept the PB letter and your band--but I didn't know about all of the other drama. Your X fell far from grace, didn't he? Even with crying when the divorce papers were signed and keeping that letter and hiding it from OW--good, remorseful actions--he let his baser side rule his head. And now he's a repeat-affair offender (affender?) and in jail. How the mighty have fallen! I'm actually sorry that he let his addiction to OW ruin his life. He's more than a little pitiful.

Thanks, again, for all of the affirmation you've given me today. I do so very much appreciate it.

And thank goodness you all are here--I don't know what I'd do without experienced voices guiding my impulses. Hugs to all of you!

I also pray too, that your WH comes back Hope. I truly do. MB has given me the blessing and gift of helping others and seeing that help come to fruition and families and marriages being restored.

I was restored, but not my former M. But God is amazing like that, and so were some of the friends I got from this place!

Please have an honest talk w/your therapist, in the event they try to depose the therapist (it has happened before). Tell her that you do not in any way at all, give your WH any access to your medical or mental health record. Sign any document preventing him from accessing that at all. You do not want in any way to give the opposition a single loophole. Nothing.

Yes, my xwh is a piece of work. Satan's work that is. And to think a once respected ceo, worth quite a bit, and somebody who once was considered by our old church, to be a nominee for deacon, could have wound up like he did is just scary. My friends all tell me it's like a bad Lifetime movie. In fact, truth be known, I've begun writing a fictious book somewhat based on fact about it. It's been over five years in the making and my DH has read all of it (and some of the docs I work with) and they all love it. You can't make up half of this stuff I've lived.

Seriously though, you just focus on you and the children and securing that financial stability and custody right now. That is the primary objective.

Hopefully your WH will survive a rectocranial inversion excision! lol!

Now my xh? He had one big pressure on him during the weeks and months before our divorce that you thankfully do not have looming over your heads. The ow was pregnant and her family was putting all kinds of pressure on my WH to marry her when the D was final. They had actually filed custody papers and were threatening my WH with custody action and she (ow) threatened to take the baby she was carrying away from my XWH forever if he didn't marry her.

So he had a gun at his back. Literally, it was a rebound shotgun marriage. So he felt he had to marry her. It was truly sad. Knowing what I know now, after he tried even up to two years after marrying the ow (she was the 2nd ow as there were actually two at same time~monkeyho was the other)asking me out and telling me how he regretted everything, he went home to her and that monstrous house and his money and his toys.

So in secret he would go to that floorboard, pull out my plan B letter and dream of what could have been. Sad isn't it? And he did cry during the reading of the agreement at our last divorce mediation/meeting when we finally agreed to settle the matter. Cried like a baby. But he went home to her and nothing can change that.

You however, do not have a pregnant mistress doing this stuff, so hopefully there is still time to have your WH change course. But you cannot show your hand anymore. In fact, I'd work on making myself as attractive as possible, but do it for you and you only! So what if the next time he sees you in court, you are so smokin' hot that Dumpy is so damn lame in comparison! Just do it for you.

And do not ever beg, show your hand, or let him in that you'd take him back. You want him to think you're moving on. Men (and women too for that matter) seem to want what they think they cannot get Make yourself seem like an impossibly high goal for any male to achieve! lol!

H&G, I don't have a lot of time to post tonight, so I am just going to post you a little thing. How do you KNOW that your WH isn't going to see OW and hasn't for about 4 weeks? This is a hole that needs to be patched up PRONTO.

Scotty, it isn't a hole that can be patched. Since we don't have a formal custody agreement, I can always determine if he's in town or not. If WH can't take DS bowling on Saturdays, then he is with OW. He also won't call DS during any time he spends with OW. I have no way of sealing this hole. It is what it is.

Thanks for your prayers, Peachy. I appreciate them.

I have actually discussed with my IC the possibility of them asking her for a report. She said that without my signature, she's not giving up anything--it would be a HIPPA violation for her to do so. So, yay!

Oh, Peachy, you don't know how happy I am that Dumpy is a 55 year old! I'm sure she would have gotten pregnant if she were able to entrap my WH further. Thank goodness she can't! (If anyone out there has any stories about pregnant 55 year olds, please don't post them. I sure don't need to read them!)

"Hopefully your WH will survive a rectocranial inversion excision! lol!" LOL, too! I'd even offer to assist the doctor.

About looking as attractive as possible--Peachy, I'm so smokin' hot since losing 70 lbs that I get admiring looks wherever I go. Seriously--I'm not that vain, but it's happening and it's so good for my ego. Buying clothes is fun again--I learned today that DD25 is NOT the best person to take shopping because she loved everything I tried on. She encouraged me to overspend!

It's back to plan B, so I can't tip my hand or beg. Let him wonder what I'm doing for a change.

Ahh so it IS a hole that can be patched because it's one inside your head.

Even though you don't have a "formal" custody arrangement, why don't you have something that is scheduled? Like every other weekend? Why have you let WH get it the way he wants it and at HIS convenience? Don't let your WH dictate this. Is this a true glimpse into what a D would look like?

You can't control the phone calls, but you also can't be CERTAIN that he only calls when he isn't with OW can you? Don't put any real thought into it.

Is it time for a "loonie jar?"

First, I need to say that my kids are teens. But, in my experience, it's best that she not try to force visitation on her WS if he doesn't want it. The emotional damage done by an unwilling father might be even worse than that of a distant father.

Additionally, if this marriage does end in divorce, her child support will be greater if the father doesn't have much visitation. Too many awful parents ask for 50% custody as a way to avoid paying child support. They don't want to see the kid, they just want to save some money.

For those who don't know, most states have complicated formulas that they use to determine child support. The principle they are trying to follow is that if you have the child with you, then you are spending money on him. If you don't see the child very often, then you need to pay the other parent money to cover expenses that you would have paid if you'd been with the child.

I would not push for extra visitation at all. It's better to be the only parent, than to worry about what is going on in the home of the neglectful parent.

Also, a formal custody agreement doesn't mean doodly-squat if the other parent doesn't follow it. I have one, but my WS hasn't seen the kids since Christmas Day.

(P.S. Scotty, what's a "loonie jar?")

Hi, Kirby--I'm in Middle TN. And you have it exactly right--DS does not want forced visitation. He's 15 and has had a great deal of difficulty accepting his father's actions. Letting his dad take him to his bowling league on Saturdays is about all he's doing right now--he's come up with excuses about having dinner with his dad (usually on Wed. or Thurs. during the week) for the past 2 weeks. And DS absolutely refuses to spend the night with WH and a formal agreement would make that happen. So I'm going to leave it alone and keep documenting when WH calls DS and when WH sees DS. Not because I want to know when WH goes to see OW but because of the future child support determination.

See, Scotty, it really is a hole that I can't plug. I'm leaving it alone.

I spoke to my attorney--just trying to understand what was agreed to on Monday and what's coming up.

It's all good.

Woo ha!

I wasn't suggesting that you get a FORMAL arrangement, what I was suggesting was a schedule. Also, how do these "visitations" get communicated?

There is ALWAYS a way to patch a hole and it is ALWAYS in the BSs best interest to find a way to do it.

What I am here to offer you guidance on is how to execute the best possible Plan B that you can. Whenever I see a hole, and an opportunity to make an improvement, I am going to let you know. It's just how it is.

Visitations are arranged between my DS and WH when WH calls DS. (I'm in danger of acronym-overload in that sentence!)

I do know why you're here and how you're helping me, Scotty, and I appreciate it. I'm not trying to be obstinate or unreasonable, but there are some more variables here. Bowling doesn't follow a set schedule--there are generally 3 league meetings a month, depending on if there are other tournaments scheduled in our state. It's important to me that DS spend time with WH, and bowling is the only way that DS spends any time with him.

As much as I would like it if DS decided to never see WH again, I do believe that he needs both parents in his life. Additionally, it will be all to the good in court if it can be shown that I was flexible in allowing DS to schedule time with WH.

Do you have a different intermediary, other than your DS15?

I understand that my children are a bit younger, and as such, they actually have NO CHOICE when and how they see my WH. I wouldn't begrudge them their time with their father, unless it was harmful to them(in ways that are legally proved of course).

It's not easy, but you can do things to improve your Plan B.

You are thinking about what your WH is or isn't doing. That is NOT part of Plan B. You should try to plug up those holes as best as possible.

I sometimes think, in some ways, that it is harder to do a SOLID Plan B when you have children living at home who have contact with the WS.

My thoughts.
I have younger children and older ones...both.

I use my IM for issues that are critical only which pertain to finances and changes in the younger child visitation (I avoid changes if possible).
My older kids communicate directly with WH about meeting with him/not meeting with him. I have stepped out of the role of referee 100% there.

When any of the kids say something about WH, I refrain from any comment about the thing....just listen. I try to not let the statement then haunt me for whatever reason but to visualize it rolling off my back and my coat of armor of plan B protecting me from hurt.

When I talk with the kids and we have a discussion about the missing WH, I try to model strength and courage but regret that' it is what it is'......meaning I do not want things this way. We deal with it though we wish we didn't have to.

yk?

Holes come and go and you patch or mend or shift focus.

That is all we can do from this side of the 'castle wall'.

yk

I think that if I was fully in control of my thoughts, then I wouldn't be in weekly counseling.

I try to not think about what he's doing. I'm usually quite successful.

Knowing that he's driven 7.5 hours to be with her--I look at that as a positive thing. They can't develop problems unless they are together. The multiple-daily chats on the phone keep the flames alive. Being together shows him more about what she truly is--a desperate, fat older woman trying to land him. Let them be together and the truth will come out sooner.

I'm waiting for that to happen. I expect it to happen. I think things are cooling down and falling apart. That's from the "Hope" part of my moniker.

To give up hope will be to reconcile myself to a failed marriage. I'm not ready to do that. Not by a long shot!

I haven't given up hope, but I also have NO CLUE where my WH is most of the time and I can't speculate about the status of the A. They live together and have since the start of my Plan B. He's not home, and that's all that matters to my marriage. How they feel about each other, if they are still together, if pink elephants have made nests in the driveway, doesn't mean anything to me and my marriage. That's because, my WH isn't home and he isn't trying to come home.

H&G, we have too much on our plates to take care of already, why add to it the unknown. Let the blanket safety of Plan B wrap you up and keep you safe.

I expected your thoughts to go towards your WH after your meeting, time to refocus my dear.

What colour are your toe nails? How have those new hobbies been coming along?

My toenails are still BLUE--a lovely sapphire blue. Of course, it's been cold this week, so I haven't been able to show them off to anyone.

Hobbies? I've totally forgotten about them. I've been reading a lot this week, and--please don't anyone laugh or scoff or say I'm not being a good Christian--I've been learning about Tarot cards. Purely for fun--my sister reads cards. I'm not the devotee that she is--as I explain to God all the time: it's just something to do! It's also fun to learn about the cards--lots of them have biblical symbolism in them.

It's a passing fancy, but one that I'm enjoying. I guess it's pure escapism and that's what I've needed this week.

I missed my husband a lot last night--our favorite team (Kentucky Wildcats) beat the number one seed (Ohio St.) in the NCAA tournament.

A year ago we would have watched it together.

Yesterday I watched it here and he watched it in his apartment. How is his life better now? What is his motivation to stay there?

Yes, questions better left unasked. Thoughts better left out of mind. I guess I'm still unsettled from being in the same small room with him last Monday.

I'll get back on track when work begins again on Monday. It's been a long week off.