Hope you don't mind... I need a place to vent.

The other day as I was putting my son to bed, he asked why his dad wasn�t more involved in his life. You see, though his father has made some effort to see him (attending his birthday party and taking him for Christmas break), he�s only spoken on the phone 3 times since we moved last summer. And the last time, about a month ago, it was because we called him. He didn�t like that, and when I�ve tried to call other times he doesn�t answer. We texted about it, my asking him to call maybe once a week, or every other week. He said he has a lot going on, too much to take care of right now, but would call more when things settle down (I know, in my heart, that things will never �settle down,� but didn�t say anything). Both times DS visited his dad, his dad has had a lot of the teenage boys from church over at the apartment constantly. He did this when we were in the same town, so this does not surprise me. Each time he comes home, my son�s only complaint is that he wished these brothers weren�t there so he could have his dad to himself.

So he asked why his dad wasn�t around, never called. I told him his dad said he was really busy of right now, and had a lot to take care of. My son bursts into tears, yells, �Why can�t he take care of ME???� and starts crying in my arms. It broke my heart. And then, as he�s crying and I�m trying to encourage him that he�ll see his dad in a few weeks, he says, �but my dad takes care of Church Teen #1 and Church Teen #2. Why not ME?� So he�s crying and I�m trying to stay calm. I tell him, �I don�t know honey, you�ll have to ask him.�

I just want to punch his dad�s face in! I can�t believe a couple months ago I was actually considering dating him again. Ugh.

I feel for you, Daisy. Some people should just not be parents.

My WxW, for example, had three children by two different fathers. The oldest she's deserted TWICE. The younger two, fortunately, live with their father (who went to court and won custody!).

And even though she claims to love them, and her biggest regret -- she says -- is that she doesn't have custody, when she has them for visitation, she treats them more like pets than her offspring.

But try to get her to see this. No, it's always somebody or something else's fault. Her children are scarred for life because of her actions. As my DD told me, they love their mom, but they have absolutely no respect for her.

I predict your childrens' father will one day regret his lack of parenting time.

Awww - that makes ME want to cry, too! Poor little guy!

Yes. Very sad.

I know I am probably just overly suspicious...but I see red flags with a man who hangs out with teenage boys while refusing to parent his own son.

I thought this, too, now that you mention it. I always look twice at a situation where an adult socializes with young kids. Especially if there's not at least one other adult present.

Me, three.

I agree. That's the first thing I thought.

I suspect that your BD either has inappropriate attraction to these teens OR he sees them as his peers.

I'm really sorry that you and your son are going through all this pain.

There is a change that your BD is just immature. I have seen a few men and women in their 20s who prefer hanging out with the youth group kids because they like to be seen as "leaders", but they mostly want to act like teenagers still.

How old is your Baby Daddy?

Thanks for the support, gang. The attachment to these young guys started when we divorced. I lived for almost a year in the same city, both of us attending the same church (ugh). At first, I found it funny, because he started giving them rides to places and for the first time in a decade his car was kept clean, washed and detailed. Their bond grew stronger and stronger to the point of he would change plans with his son so that he could accommodate these boys. It really upset me. And when he came home from Christmas telling me these boys were over during his visit, I was incredibly angry. You only see your son a few times a year, and you want to share it with other boys???

BUT I don�t think it�s �inappropriate� (as in sexual weirdness or something). Rather, they are all musicians, and he is the minister of music at the church. This group is pretty skilled so I think he looks at them as peers to some extent. It bothers me because he is late 30s but they are high school.

I don't want to alarm you unnecessarily, Daisy, but your x needs to be very careful with this. Even if this is a totally innocent situation, it's very easy for a high school kid to possibly misinterpret a word or an action from him.

Or a kid might get jealous that because he perceives that another kid is getting more attention.

It's generally smart to not be alone with kids.

maritalbliss, I hadn't thought of that. You bring up a good poitn. My primary fear for him (aside from the mental damage this is causing our son) was that these boys were taking advantage of him. He's always driving them around, letting them drive his car, even offered to get one a phone.

But he pays child support and generally stays out of my hair, so when I compare to others' divorce situations I try not to complain.

While I was running today (4 miles) it occurred to me that my ex is very much like my mother. She only calls every couple of months. If you call her, she gets mad because she feels like she has more important things to do and you are wasting her time. I discovered this during my freshmen year of college, where I was 2500 miles away at a military school. After my first two months out of the house, basic training, I finally got a chance to call home. She was excited at first- until the commercials went off and her TV show came on. I was stunned after she got off the phone, but let one of my fellow basics get the phone. I went to the back of the line and when I got to call again, I was told, don�t you have something to do? I�m busy. And that�s pretty much how it was my whole college experience.

Even now, I only call her if I need to thank her, ask an important (quick) question, or am returning her call.

When I was still in high school, she started dating a significantly younger military man*. His buddies were dating my classmates. It angered me to depression that my mom was hanging out with the �bad girls� in school- the ones who slept around, got drunk, cheated on tests and (unfortunately) teased mercilessly the goody-two-shoes girls like myself. It angered me that she would choose to go party with them and not visit with us. At one time, I even considered trying to date a young GI myself, because maybe if I did, my mom think I was cool enough to want to hang with me too.

When all these memories came back to me today, I understood why I got so upset at my son�s tears.

I wish I could help him move past the hurt, but even as an adult I still have not come fully to terms with the fact that my mother did not make me feel loved and wanted growing up. Don�t know how to help him.

* PS: I�m not knocking the age thing here� they�ve been married happily for over 20 years- much longer than most traditionally-aged couples ;-)

It's funny... I spent so much of my life trying to avoid men like my father (physically abusive, addiction issues)

only to end up with one like my mother!

A day off, Daisy?

Can't see the pic from my work computer, but no not a day off... running during my lunchtime :-)

I was j/k, DaisyCat. I run, too.

My standard run is 6.5 miles. I'm doing a ten-miler this weekend (and ran a "warm-up" ten miles day before yesterday).

The pic is a "happy runner smiley."

Daisy....I am so sorry you are going through all of this. Childhood wounds that are repeated over, and sometimes over and over again, can be very painful.

There may be some lies that you're believing about yourself, that you told yourself when you were growing up, as a way to rationalize what was happening to you. If you believed that your mother didn't love you and that you weren't wanted, what did you tell yourself was the reason for that? That's where the lies will be. If you dispell those, when others hurt you, it's likely we may not take their actions so personally.

I hear you when you say that you don't know how to help your son. I would suggest to assure him that he is lovable and wanted. And in an age appropriate way, you could tell him that his Dad has some issues he has to deal with and is not being the role model that you would like. I'd try to keep it simple. I just think it's important to get it across to him that there's nothing about him that deserves his own father's neglect. You've probably done all of that already........

Do you have the desire or means to take you and your son to a family counselor? It can be difficult to navigate through these things on your own.

@Fred, oh ha ha! No, 4 miles 2-3x during the week is my normal, plus a long run once a week.

@ MJ, the military has a counselor program for kids, but my son is not quite old enough. They have counselors that rotate among the child care and youth centers on base, each one on a 90 day "tour of duty." My son has formed a relationship with each counselor, and I think that's been very helpful.

We tell each other all day long "I love you." It's very sweet. I just hope my actions are matching up to it! I think they are, but every once in awhile I find myself trying to do �one more thing� before I snuggle, play, or read with him. I will remember, like you say, to assure him that he is lovable and wanted. But sometimes my business comes off like I don�t love him. I didn�t really feel that way growing up, and I would hate for him to suffer for mother�s love like (I feel) I did.

It's not that my mother didn't love me- she loves all of us. But her form of love isn't quite normal. I don't know how to explain it- but now that I've met so many parents, I can look at my mom and say she wasn't able to give us the affection and nurturing we need. She was actually bragging the other day about how she never played games or read stories to us. She did this in response to my saying how I spend pretty much all my free time playing/doing things with my son. She thought it was a good thing that she never played with us. I thought to myself, wow, that is yet another piece to the puzzle as to why all 5 of us suffer some emotional trauma.

One encouraging thing about life: no matter what someone else did that impacted us, we can make the choice to recover and thus live a healthy life. And that's where I'm heading, slowly but surely.

Sorry, Daisy. Brief t/j...

I didn't mean to be sarcastic. Running is a bit of a "core" part of me. I run to exercise, to meditate, to get out, and just to "do" something. I've logged over 110 miles this month alone.

I run about 15 races a year, although I rarely place - even in my age group. I ran a ten-miler a week ago, I'm eying a half marathon in April, and this Fall I will run at least one of each and a marathon to boot!

Running has been one of my "sanity savers." Maybe it's just the endorphins, but sometimes when it seems the weight of the world is bearing down on me, I get a lot of relief by just going out for a run.

Thanks for allowing the t/j. Enjoy every run. One of my little sayings is, "every run is a good run."

Hi Daisy,

I am sure your son will know that you love him. Don't think you have to be supermom, although we sometimes try. Even your Mom probably did the best she could at the time. You can also teach your son that we parents are not perfect, and sometimes we learn as we go.Heck, I'd even stress how important it is to get those learnings.

If your son is too young for counseling, this is just a suggestion but maybe you could get him age appropriate books to read to him. There are some great books out there that can help children deal with life's issues. Not to mention, it would be excellent quality time for the two of you, and help him improve his vocabulary.



So true, and I have no doubt you will recover beautifully. Even a rose grows in $hit.