I first found this site in 2009 and did not follow the advice and expose my husband's affair. Instead, went to counseling which was completely useless and he continued, and continues the affair to this day. I exposed to absolutely everyone I could think of approximately 3 weeks ago, including his sister, his friends, my friends and family, and his co-workers. The A is with a co-worker who I could not identify for a long time as she is good at keeping herself low profile (no facebook page, cell phone hard to trace, po boxes you name it). She is a single mom. He continues to deny it and says they are just friends. I have seen texts and e-mails not sexual but "hey babe", etc. After exposure things got ugly and I asked him to leave the house. Shortly thereafter he got fired from his job due to the contact with the co-worker. He blames me for the job loss even though he was skating on thin ice due to getting caught several months ago drinking at work and was placed on admin leave until he got help and got sober.

I recently found out and he admits he is an alcoholic. He has been resisting getting treatment but agreed last week to go inpatient. He enters rehab for 28 days tomorrow which makes Plan B a bit easier. It has been hard for me to maintain no contact with him as he moved out of our home into the home of the co-worker and I am so angry.

Questions include whether I did the right things with exposure and whether this will even work with an alcoholic who takes no responsibility for his actions.

Welcome to Marriage Builders Hopeforanswers! We're gonna have to figure out a nickname for you because we have several Hopes around here. How about HopeFA?

Good job on exposing, better late than never.

Has he actually moved out of her home?

If you're having any contact with him, then you're not really in Plan B. You know that right? You should go read Scotland's thread. I think she just updated tonight so it should be easy to find.

As far as the alcohol, Dr. H says his program will not work as long as WH is an alcoholic. While he's in rehab, he won't be allowed to have any visitors for the first 36 hours (I think). Hopefully, his head will begin to clear and he'll realize the magnitude of what he's done and is doing.

It sounds as if your LB is in the red. You probably should go into a REAL Plan B, to protect your LB. In the meantime, get "Surviving an Affair" and read Dr. H's articles about this on this website. If he does happen to wake up from his stupor, you'll be ready.

Stick around. We have several posters who have dealt with/are dealing with the alcohol issue.

(((HopeFA)))

I forgot to ask, what was your username in 2009?

Hi hopingforanswers, welcome to Marriage Builders. Can I suggest you change your screen name to something more unique so folks can distinguish your story? We have so many screen names that start with "hope" or "help" that I can never keep them straight and I read here every day. If you have a more unique name, it will be easier to find you.

I would suggest you go into an air tight, dark Plan B and even file for divorce to protect yourself legally. Marriage Builders does not work with an alcoholic because it is impossible to meet the needs of an alcoholic. Plan A is a disaster because an alcoholic will just use it as an opportunity to exploit and use you.

I would also find a good Alanon group.

When you send him your Plan B letter, I would specify that he not ever contact you again until he a) ends his affair and b) stops drinking and enters a recovery program. Otherwise you don't have a marriage.

I am sorry this has happened to you.

What to Do with an Alcoholic Spouse

I agree with MelodyLane. I will read a post thinking it is one poster but it is another.

OK, so I changed my name to FormerJerseygirl, hope that helps to distinguish me.
I never posted in 2009 so no former posts, I just sort of lurked looking for advice into my situation.
Thanks for the links, I thought I had read somewhere that MB would not work with an alcoholic but couldn't find the article.

H went into rehab today. He refused all help from me or his sister and let his gf drive him. He is extremely angry due to my exposure at their workplace, claims I ruined his career.

Oh, and MelodyLane, I did file for divorce to get him out of the house. I am just not good at the deep dark Plan B but should be easy now that he is in rehab for 28 days, if he lasts that long. I have been clear that he needs to 1) end contact with her and 2) get into recovery. #1 was going to be difficult since he worked with her but that was taken care of last week. I did not wish for him to lose his job as that hurts me financially too but I think they were looking to get rid of him anyhow due to the drinking issue. What a mess!

Thanks for changing the name! I would get good at a dark Plan B. That is a decision you need to make. In the meantime, I would send him a Plan B letter while he is in rehab. That is the perfect time to send it. Do you have the book Surviving an Affair? I would get that.

In the meantime, I would write a letter and send it to him and then CUT OFF ALL CONTACT. Block his email address, block his phone calls, find an IM. Go read marriedforevers thread about Plan B in the announcements sections. GEt prepared, write your letter and post it here so we can give you feedback.

That is a great article, I will work on my letter in the next few days. He already called from rehab today, I was avoiding all calls until it came up on the caller ID as "private" and I answered it. Damn! He also may not be there for 28 days due to insurance issues. Stay tuned.

How does one get the strength to Plan B? I completely understand the logic but it is maddening not talking with him. He is still in rehab but he has been calling frequently to check on the kids. I am losing my mind but trying to formulate how to go into deep dark Plan B. I also don't want to hurt his chances of recovery.
Interesting little tidbit today, someone from HR in his former company called me today providing all sorts of info about OW. She seemed to think OW is acting more in the savior mode (trying to save him from his addition) and there is not a romantic thing between them. I have no idea why this person felt the need tell me this and I don't know that it makes me feel any better. I still need to work on my Plan B letter.

They make a decision. Strength is a choice. Plan B is hard the first couple of weeks, but after that you will feel better than you have in months and years and won't miss him much. It will become a relief.


Plan B would HELP his chances because staying in contact and being supportive protects him from much needed consequences. He abused his family and needs to experience those consequences.

Nor will he bother to CHANGE to meet your conditions if you don't go into Plan B. He will have no motivation whatsoever.

Thanks MelodyLane. Deep dark Plan B started this morning. He got out of rehab unexpectantly(to me) last night and OW picked him up. I started getting texts from him after midnight because I had picked up his vehicle for safekeeping from where they left it at a park n ride. I did a quick Plan B letter this morning and left it with his keys to the truck in his truck which he came to pick up when I was not here. He does not have keys to the house anymore and I told him no contact except thru lawyers or one mutual friend. If he calls to talk to the kids I will just hand them the phone. If I would have had more time I would have packed up all his clothes and stuck them in his vehicle.

Are your kids old enough to answer the phone when it rings? You shouldn't even say so much as "Hello" to him.

Well, my daughter could but she won't. She's 8. Maybe I will just pick up the phone and hand it to her. Good point, I won't even say hello.

I know this sounds petty, FJ, but it is very important that your WH have nothing of you during Plan B. I've even advised BS's to change their phone greeting if they've personalized it, so their wayward wouldn't even be able to hear their voice on a recording. It will keep the wayward from getting a 'spouse fix.'

BTW, you haven't got a personalized greeting on your phone, do you?

I do, but I will change that now-thanks for the tip!!!!

Most answering machines have a default greeting, as does voice-mail. Just delete the personal and go to that.

That is what I have done. I have no reason to talk with him right now. Luckily finances are in good shape and the rest can be worked out between lawyers.

OK, so he pulls this one tonight, calls and leaves a message on the home phone stating he is coming over in a bit to pick up something forcing me to respond. I called back stating don't bother I don't have it and hung up. (I know,should not have done even that but did not want him showing up at the house)

Later he calls and I tried giving the phone directly to my 8 yo to talk with him (with me saying nothing). She won't take the phone. UGH.