Have you read "Surviving an Affair"?

I read the letter, approved it, and mailed it myself.

This morning he also told me about an email account he used to email her during the affair and he gave me the password. I logged into it and there aren't any recent emails. I'm not even sure why he told me about it, he says he didn't want me to find out another way and get upset. Is this good or bad?

Not yet. We couldn't find it at the book store. We ordered it recently though. We have the other book (His Needs Her Needs, Building an Affair Proof Marriage), and based our recovery plan on the "surviving an affair" chapter in that book.

This is definitely good hurt. If you've been following the recovery plan this is part of OH. If you had found out anyother way it would have set you back some. I hope you thanked him for his honesty and showing a real effort to recover.

This is definitely good hurt. If you've been following the recovery plan this is part of OH. If you had found out anyother way it would have set you back some. I hope you thanked him for his honesty and showing a real effort to recover. [/quote]

Thanks. That makes me feel a lot better. He also told his Dad about the affair yesterday. I know I was supposed to be the one to expose the affair to his Dad, but he really wanted to be the one to tell him because his Dad helped us a lot during the first affair. My H felt really bad for letting his Dad down again, but he told him anyway. I thought that was good, but just want to make sure. Is it good that he was the one to tell is Dad or bad that I let him talk me out of telling him myself?

So my H and I have decided to stay together and we are following the MB plan for recovery. We are meeting each other's needs and it's working really well for my H. My H seems really really happy. He is more caring and attentive and even more interested in the kids. He is cracking jokes and smiling and laughing. He is a totally different person than he was during the affair when he was withdrawn and superficial. It's like I finally got my H back.

Meanwhile, I'm just getting more depressed. I even went to the doctor and got a prescription for depression meds, but they aren't working yet (takes several weeks to have an effect). I just don't understand what is going on with me. I finally got what I've been working for the past several weeks (my H happy and wanting to be with me), but now I feel even more horrible. What's happening? How can I get the sadness and depression to stop, so I can just be happy that I have what I want?

Someone please help.

This is why Dr Harley recommends a short Plan A for wives.
The stress can lead to depression, and that is no good for anyone.

In the weeks waiting for the antidepressant to kick in, try exercise.
Go for walks.
Take your kids to a park and toss balls around.
Put on some rocking music and dance like a maniac.
Sing catchy happy songs real loud.
Go have a spa day.
Buy new bras/panties.
Pray for release.
Pray for wisdom.
Ask H to hold you while you cry.
Have a lot of sex with H.

Your feelings are N.O.R.M.A.L.

Does that help?

Thanks Pepperband. Yes, that does help. My H is being very understanding and holding me while I cry. We are having a lot of sex too. I usually feel pretty good when he is with me. It makes me happy to see him happy and back to his old self. It's when he's at work that I get depressed. I'll try to be more active when he is at work.

I'm wondering though about your comments about doing a short plan A. Am I supposed to switch to Plan B even though my H is no longer in contact with the OW? I am 99% sure that there has been no contact (I have been keeping a close eye on him using some things in the operation investigate board, but don't want to post that info here because I think he reads my thread). Basically, the only opportunity he would have to contact her without me knowing is by calling her using his work phone or a pay phone. Anyway, am I supposed to do a plan B even though the affair is over? Or, do I wait and see if he contacts her in the future and do plan B then?

I've felt exactly the same way and think it's just the effect of living with such emotional stress for such a long time. I hear that it gets better, though

I wouldn't see a need for Plan B if your husband has ended the affair, stands by NC and working on a plan to rebuild your marriage. A quote from this article:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html

So plan A seems to have worked for us! My H has agreed to all my terms. He made a plan and is following through so far (personal counseling, couples counseling, working on boundary issues, exposing affair, meeting my needs, being open about his schedule, etc.). I am meeting his top needs (admiration, affection, and sexual fulfillment - a lot of sexual fulfillment - lol). Finally, I haven't found any contact with OW for almost 2 months. Yay!

Surprisingly, my H is extraordinarily happy. I have literally NEVER seen him like this. He is downright giddy...making jokes, laughing all the time, racing home after work to see me, spending every spare moment with me. He says he now wants to get a tattoo of a four leaf clover with my birth date, our anniversary date, and our daughter's birth dates on the leaves because he feels so "lucky" to have us. He is also planning a trip for us to go to Disney World and he wants to have a "recommittment ceremony" for our 11th anniversary. It's a complete 180 from how he was acting two months ago. Is this normal? Has anyone else's WS acted this way? What is going on with my H!?

Hey, this is so sweet, I love it, he has lost his mind for you and his life, does it get any better than that..
Couldn't be happier for you.....

Thanks! I hope this can last and isn't just a "honeymoon" phase. Does anyone have any suggestions for keeping this going indefinitely? I know meeting each other's needs should help with most of that, but I just want to know if anyone has any additional pointers to keep things feeling fresh and new.

I'm also wondering if anyone has pointers on how to get over my resentment towards my H. I read Dr. Harley's article about getting over resentment, but that didn't seem to help much. Does anyone have suggestions that worked for them? I feel like if I can get past the resentment, I can start the process of forgiving him.

I can tell you my experience with my FWH: prior to exposure/D-Day, he could be unbearable. Crabby, distracted, picking at me to argue...I took a picture of him at one point while he (unbeknownst to me) was in the middle of his A - I looked at that picture after I took it and was struck by the emptiness in his eyes. He looked miserable. At the time I thought it was because he was miserable - with me.

It all came out after D-Day. He was miserable during the A because he knew what he was doing was wrong. Since then, he has made it a practice to be O&H and transparent. He says it's a freeing, exhilarating feeling to know that he doesn't have to worry that I'm going to found something out. He's relieved at not having to live a lie anymore.

I can relate to what you're saying about the giddiness, but if he's like my H, he's just thrilled with himself in his "clean" lifestyle.

Thanks Marital Bliss. How did you deal with the resentment toward your FWH? Have you been able to get past it?

Short answer? I stopped talking about the affair with him.

Understand that it is very important for a BS to know whatever details they wish to know about their spouse's affair. And it is upon the WS to give up those details with complete humility and transparency. But once that's been accomplished, the BS needs to shut up about it.

The problem was that I refused to let the affair die. I kept talking about it longer than I should have. I was in "chronic betrayed status" and it wasn't serving me. I had to make a conscious decision to stop giving it such a position of importance in my life and our marriage. Once I chose to do that, we were able to move forward.

I hope this helps.

So things are going great with my H. There has been no contact with OW for two months. We are being O&H and very intimate. We have never been this close. EVER.

BUT, now he has a business trip for work that will require him to be away from home for four nights. It's training for his new job and he has no choice but to go to it (he has forwarded me the emails and itinerary from his boss, so I know this is legit). Anyway, I know we aren't supposed to be away from each other overnight, but what do we do when we have no choice? Any suggestions on how I should handle this?

COngrats! So glad things are working out for you! If he must go away is there any possibility you can go with him? If not ... maybe set up times to have intimate conversations to connect when hes done his training?

Have him give you a schedual of some kind? as to when the training is/takes place .. where he will be and when to expect to hear from him when hes done his training for the day. Have him call you in the mornings .. then at lunch to see how each others days are going and then again when hes finished? and before he goes to bed?

I guess basicly just schedual time to reconnect several times a day?

*shrugs*

I can't go with him because I have to take care of the kids and we don't have any family that can come watch them for 4 days straight.

Thanks for your suggestion! I will have him give me a schedule and have him call me every chance he gets.

My H wants to make a dirty video of us together for him to watch while he is there! I said I wasn't comfortable with that, but maybe I should agree. Is that weird? I don't know if that's good or bad for this situation???? Wouldn't it just make him more horny and looking to hook up with someone else that is there? Suggestions?

If your not enthusiastic .. then I would suggest no to the dirty video. Do not sacrifice your happiness for his pleasure in that regard. Maybe get a cam for your PC and send him with a laptop that has a built in cam? You could use that to have some alone time via the net when hes at the hotel in the evening time. BUT as someone mentioned in a previous thread with a similar request .. most men (including myself) are happy enough with family pics in their wallets to get them through. I used to go hunting for 10 days straight ( this will be my first year where I will not do that now since its not enthusiasticly agreed to anymore) All i had was a few pics of my family and I would wait til i got home to engage in any sort of "relief". 4 days will pass very quickly especially if you are in regular contact via phone or net to kill your time.

I'm not sure what to think about this, hurt. He may want this video as a visual for him while he 'pleasures' himself. Bottom line: if you aren't comfortable with it, DON'T DO IT.