Hello MB folks,
I have lurked here for a while and been trying to follow a lot of the principles learned in my own situation. Of course it is very difficult, and I get frustrated, and sometimes I don't know the right answer or thing to do. I am finally breaking down and starting a thread to get some additional input.

Quick Summary:
M - 1.75 years
Dated - 4 years prior
No kids (thankfully)

Sept 2010 - Start of A
Dec 14 2010 - Finally put all the pieces together that something was happening and confronted her about it. I ended up staying at my buddies house starting that night. I know she saw him one more time after this confrontation. At the time, she did not admit to anything physical... even though I told her that "if I were a betting man, I would put money on it being more than emotional". Through the holidays, we traveled together on the weekends to our families (both live in other towns) and put on the front that everything was fine.
Jan 6 2011 - Last time I know that she had "contact" with him. I know that he was helpful in completely cutting her out, and going back to his wife.
**She did start going to counseling in second week of January**
**Still staying at my buddies during the week, will see her occasionally because of church activities, and coming home to work on budget or pick something up**
Feb 6 2011 - I was over helping do our budget for Feb (a little late, but glad we were getting it done), before I could leave... she gave me a letter to read... basically, this was when she finally admitted EVERYTHING to me, that it was physical and that at the time she didn't feel guilty about it, etc...
Feb 8&9 2011 - I came over in the evenings to "talk" - first night, asked a lot of questions. second night, told her that I knew everything I needed to know, and that I wouldn't punish her anymore... and that I even forgive her for it (I still don't understand it, but my heart allowed me to do that!)..
Feb 12 2011 - I moved back home & have been there since. She has been sleeping on the couch (except when company or family is over, and 3 or 4 other nights in the past couple weeks)



Question:
1) I read that a man should be prepared for 6 months of "Plan A" before considering something else (as opposed to 3 months for women). Is this reasonable? I guess I was hoping to make things happen faster? I know that she has set a deadline of May to figure out what she wants to do if things don't get better. (she hasn't told me that, but I figured it out through "investigation") I have been doing the Plan A - better myself like CRAZY, donot love bust, make a plan to meet her EN (except for the SF & touch/affection, which she won't really let me do right now). Am I supposed to keep doing Plan A with vigor for 6 months, and just wait for her to come around (without really talking about it with her), or should I be initiating conversations and trying to make things happen faster?

2) Her biggest concern is the lack of attraction & desire to have S. She thinks that SF is one of her largest emotional needs, and if she is not attracted to me, it won't be able to happen. Things haven't been great in that arena for a while, even some time before we were married. I had gained weight & she even told me that she wasn't attracted to me sometimes. I'm not a bad looking guy, and with the Plan A stuff I've been doing, I've lost 30 lbs (and look about what I looked like when we started dating). She tells me that even when we started dating though that she wasn't crazy attracted (lustfully) to me like every other boyfriend she had in the past... but that I had other qualities that she had never had before, and that was a lot of the attraction. Long question, but I'm kind of explaining the situation.

QUESTION - how can she "see the hope" or understand that this attraction is something that can be regained if she will open up and allow me to (a) make LB deposits (b) allow me to be more sensitive and open to her needs of SF?? I know the answer is time, but this is one of the big reasons I think she isn't willing to JUMP into real recovery.

3) We haven't talked a lot about things since I've moved home (because I don't want to LoveBust by constantly bringing it up)... We finally did a couple nights ago... I didn't push it two hard, but I asked her to consider doing some MB classes & coaching sessions... (she has read some of the basic concepts on here). What do you think the best order for us to do things in is, should we do some of the class first, or do a coaching session to get a path mapped out. This is assuming she agrees to do something with me.


Looking for some insight, ask any questions you might have for clarifications. I'm just frustrated & tired. Walking this path is so hard, but I think I'm doing it right. The only part of "Plan A" that I didn't do was exposure. BUT, I am confident that it is over, he has gone back to his wife, and she hasn't had any contact since early Jan... even that was a "chance" meeting.

I obviously didn't go into everything in this post. I have definitely identified a lot of ways that I wasn't meeting her EN prior to the A, and identified some LB which I am working to correct. I'm not taking responsibility for the A happening, but I'm not to big of a man to admit that there are things I could/should have been doing different or better.

Regards,
Xbird

Hi xbird, welcome to Marriage Builders, the best club nobody wants to join! But here you are, and here you will find help.

An affair in under two years of marriage does not speak well for the future prospects, but that doesn't mean all hope is lost. You have already indicated your wish to recover the marriage, but so far, you haven't got buy-in from your wife.

Have you read the Steps to Recover from an Affair? In particular, check out Part3: Restoring the Marital Relationship. Dr. Harley says

There's a lot you and your wife need to do. The first thing is to establish a policy of No Contact -- forever -- with the Other Man (OM). This is achieved through a letter she writes and you approve and send. In some cases, exposure is also necessary. Does the OM's wife know about the affair? If not, she should be told, as her life and marriage are also in jeopardy.

Read the articles here, buy or borrow some of the books (I'd start with Surviving An Affair), listen to Dr. Harley's radio program, and by all means post, ask and, most importantly -- learn!

Here comes the cavalry.

This A apparently occurred even earlier in the M than that, if Xbird is referring to his M being 1.75 years old as of now.

Like you, I also believe that an A so early after getting M'd does not bode well. Coupled with the apparent lack of attraction too. Yes, that might be fog-speak, but it's also possible that there may be some truth in that, giving Xbird's version of his marriage's history.

My advice to Xbird, as it always is in these types of situations, is to walk away, and thank your lucky stars that this happened BEFORE many years were invested in the M and before there were any children or joint assets to consider.

We have been together for over 6-1/2 years total.
Me = 30
WW = 25

Little discouraged by the talk about walking away.

I have read this article...skimming down through it again, I look have the following comments:

-She has not done a NC letter, however, she has not talked to since early January. When I found out the full details of the affair (physical), I sent him a very simple email asking him to do everything he could to stay out of contact with her. He replied that he would honorably do the right thing.

-She was VERY apologetic & remorseful in the letter that she wrote detailing the physical & full affair in February. I in turn have apologized for not truly meeting her emotional needs in the past, and expressed that I want to do that in the future. She still will mention how stupid the A was.

-I am TRYING to create the best marriage possible by meeting her most important emotional needs (I took the survey as if I were here), however she won't let me even try to meet certain ones, SF or Affection (well, the physical touch portion). I am also doing everything I can to eliminate any lovebusters I can identify.

-I am definitely past dwelling on the A, and ready to move on to rebuilding. (though she isn't yet)... I told her when I forgave her, that I would not bring this up to hurt her again, I would not use this in future arguements, or hold it over her head. I got my questions answered, she was truly remorseful, and that was it for me.

-The rest of the article deals with restoration & the actual rebuilding. The problem is, that she still has walls up... and seems to really want to hold back from taking that step. She is reflecting on whether our relationship was right to begin with. I feel like she worries about taking any steps forward because then I might "expect" to much. I feel that she doesn't want to do anything until she figures out what she wants. She is so confused and indecisive on this issue, that I don't know that she will ever make a decision. She has been seeing a counselor, but I don't think this counselor has any clue about restoring romantic love like they talk about here at Marriage Builders.


xbird