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Delta I will get help from them here. I really will.
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Are you going to take our advice and kill the affair, first by telling your husband, second by sending the OM a no cintact letter your husband reads and approves followed by a programme to recover your marriage.
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Slow typest sent the previouse post before I read your latest response.
Good luck , be open and honest for everyone's sake
Last edited by Xau; 03/18/11 03:02 PM.
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Because, just like your H and former BF, you all let your needs be met by people other than your spouses. You had loose and lousy boundaries. None of you should have been having private, personal discussions with each other in the first place. None of you should have been flirting - at any level. Once you did, of course it felt good. It does feel special when someone converses with you, admires you, finds you attractive, desires you sexually, wants to spend time with you. But it's not unique. Everyone in the same situation feels just the way you did. Just the way your H did. It's also not reality. And I think you recognize this. It's a fantasy world that's based in lies and deception. So it never was or could be true love. Because it's all false to begin with.
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Two years ago he had affair with my very best friend, and part of me died that day Many people here have felt your pain. My H had an A with my own sister. Ages? Do they know about their dad's affairs? I was such a GOOD wife to him. I overlooked the first one cause we were SO young and he had only been with one other woman besides me. When he had the A with my best friend it KILLED me to the core and I could not function for 6 months. it was then that we were separated and honestly so many men wanted to date me it was absurd. He said he knew what he was giving up and wanted -wants me now more than ever. I feel like he should have felt that way A LONG time ago! it took others wanting me for him to want me so badly.  now I have to deal with the fact he wwas with my best friend for a YEAR!!!!! Kills me! How do you think your kids will feel now that you have done the same thing? That is not said as a stab at you..just wanting you to see that what you have done will be just as devastating to them. I am sorry that you have to be here. The people at marriage builders are awesome..you will benefit well from listening to them.
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OH MY GOD NO!!!!!!!! MY HUSBAND THINKS I KNOW ABOUT HIM! he think I found OUT ABOUT HIM STILL BEING WITH MY OLD BETS FRIEND!
He just called me frantic and telling me over and over how sorry he is. OMG I CANT TAKE IT. WOW JOKE IS ON ME!! I AM IN COMPLETE SHOCK THIS CHANGES EVERYTHING!!!!! He never stopped with her. HE NEVER STOPPED!!!!!!!!!!!
WHAT DO I DO NOW?????
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Heather, Why did I do it? I did it cause I got obsessed with him . I let him in my normal boring world and he gave me a thrill.
I see all these women that want him and write to him. throw themselves at him and he wants me. He gives me a feeling I have never had before, and I cant explain it.
As I was having sex with him it hit me that I am doing something a thousand women would LOVE and all I could think about is this is what my husband did with my best friend while I was at work too and I grew so angry!
I do like him. I like the attention. I like the feeling of being wanted.
I know he has feelings for me without a doubt. He just left me a voice message and was crying. He told me that he has fallen in love with me and I feel it too. He is in practice and called me. that is HUGE. I never thought he would say I LOVE YOU. UGH. Why did he do this? You need to ask yourself, can your H offer you this? Is this what you want to be envied by other women trying to sleep with your man? What do you want out of life? Your H is going to want to know, but more than that YOU NEED TO KNOW. OM may be in love, or he may be in lust, or you may be the first woman that really talked to him and shared with him, but what you do know is that what you did has ensnared him as he has you. Stop, take this idea out and really look at it, roll it around in your head and see it from all angles. What can you learn from it? Can what you learn help your marriage? YOu are beginning to see what you must tell your H. Be honest. God Bless, JL
Last edited by Just Learning; 03/18/11 03:11 PM.
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Oh no, Heather. I'm really sorry to hear this.
When did you think their A ended?
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he thinks I ws crying cause I found him out . THIS IS UNREAL.
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OH MY GOD NO!!!!!!!! MY HUSBAND THINKS I KNOW ABOUT HIM! he think I found OUT ABOUT HIM STILL BEING WITH MY OLD BETS FRIEND!
He just called me frantic and telling me over and over how sorry he is. OMG I CANT TAKE IT. WOW JOKE IS ON ME!! I AM IN COMPLETE SHOCK THIS CHANGES EVERYTHING!!!!! He never stopped with her. HE NEVER STOPPED!!!!!!!!!!!
WHAT DO I DO NOW????? Wow, Heather, this is going to get really rough. Now you have both sides of this going on at once. On the plus side, it is a GOOD thing that you know this. You are going to have some severe emotional reactions right now though at a time when you need to take it slow and carefully. I really recommend you get in touch with Dr. Harley and his wife Joyce here at Marriage Builders. Dr. Harley is the ultra-expert at surviving an affair.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Tell us more about this OW.
How far does she live from you?
Is she married?
Did you think you still had any ties to her? If so, what?
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Nothing changes and there is no excuse to continue the affair , you both sit down and tell the truth to one another. Together decide if the marriage is worth saving, do not drip drip the information nor should your husband.
Both of you should start being open and honest with each other.
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I thought it was over 2 years ago . we went to marriage councilors . I have worked with one myself to get over it and the whole time he has been with her. how did i know not to ever trust him again? i always thought it was so strange that he did not care I was out with the girls all the time and how he encouraged me to do it.
I am not telling him a damn thing right now!!!! nothing!!!!! I cant believe I have died over this man for nothing, nothing at all.
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Xau is right.
Now is the time for both of you to come 100% clean about everything.
And hopefully start a new life together.
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It is certainly your choice to end the marriage.
Is that what you want?
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she lives 45 minutes from my house and is very married with 3 kids herself.
I am done with this marriage . I really am. He knew what he has done to my heart . watched me cry a million tears. go a week without food and unable to hold my head up.
He does not deserve me. I do not want him AT ALL.
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I know he has feelings for me without a doubt. He just left me a voice message and was crying. He told me that he has fallen in love with me and I feel it too. He is in practice and called me. that is HUGE. I never thought he would say I LOVE YOU. UGH. Why did he do this? Because you two had filled each other's needs, at the same time sharing none of that boring and annoying everyday stuff, so that the love bank of each of you filled up to the level of falling in love. Because being in love is pretty much an addiction. And the first moments of withdrawal make you crave like crazy, so that you'll feel the addiction stronger than ever; the same goes for him (which explains the ILY). So, alas, it is all perfectly normal and has happened with slight modifications of details to so many of us here... But it actually is all blunt chemistry. Once you really realise that it is not a unique fairy tale but a series of tiny steps and causes-consequences, it will get better. I feel for you, I remember the nausea I had before telling my BH. You are doing the right thing. Edit... Oh dear. Kind of evens it out, doesn't it? Actually - no. Hm, I wonder if your H would think the same as what you wrote here: I am done with this marriage . I really am. He knew what he has done to my heart . watched me cry a million tears. go a week without food and unable to hold my head up.
He does not deserve me. I do not want him AT ALL. I agree with the other posters - it is a terrible, yet wonderful opportunity for both of you to come clean and start your marriage all over again. In a way, it is easier, because you are on the same level. For the same reason, it is incredibly harder. Be strong.
Last edited by Sparkler; 03/18/11 03:27 PM. Reason: Because time went on while the kids wanted a bedtime story...
Me: FWW 31
DH: BH 32
M: April 2001
DSs b 2005 and 2006
EA began summer~autumn 2009, D-Day1 Feb 2010
EA went uglier until NC-letters mid-June 2010
Discovering MB site end of June 2010
D-Day 2 Jul 7, 2010, followed by 2 other D-days (Jul 14, 2010, and Jul 31?, 2010)
Falling back in love - or so it seemed...
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She just called my yhouse begging me not to tell her husband . what a sick sick twisted thing I am living.
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Okay, I know you're a huge bundle of emotions right now.
Trust me, I've been there. I thought my H's affair (also with someone I thought was my friend) was over many times, only to find out that wasn't the case. I'm not even sure how many D-days we had, but there were probably at least half a dozen.
It's not terribly surprising that your H never ended his affair. You've never had a plan before to get your marriage back on track. MB offers such a plan.
You need to order "Surviving an Affair." In the meantime, read everything on this site about overcoming infidelity. It can be done. It isn't easy, but it is possible, even when there has been infidelity on both sides of the fence. My H and I are still together, and finally there isn't a third person involved in our marriage. It has been a long road getting to where we are, and we still have a long way to go, but things are getting better.
Me: BS/FWW: 48
BS/WH: 50
DS: 30, 27, 25
DD: 28
OC: 10
BH and I are raising my OC together.
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I understand. I really do. To help regain your sanity, I strongly encourage you to contact the MB counseling center here: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7000_counsel.htmlBecause no matter what happens, you still need to proceed with a PLAN. Right now, you have no plan, and they will help you devise one that works for you. I am so very sorry, Heather. I can only imagine how much pain you're in right now. Are some of your current friends still friends with this OW?
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