Please bare with me cause I have never wrote on anything like this. My friend told me about this site, and I hope that you all will help me cause I am LOST!:(
My story is not the typical story either,and even I can't believe this is MY LIFE.
Me and my husband have been married for 16 years. During this time he has had 2 affairs and I was completely faithful to him our whole marriage. Two years ago he had affair with my very best friend, and part of me died that day, and my love changed.
I still love my husband, and we have children so I told him I would try this one last time.

I did so, and we got better, but never have overcome the affair he had by any means.

This is where my life took a huge turn I never saw coming.
Me and my husband are HUGE basketball fans, and attend many games and such.
By some WILD chance of luck, and a connection, I got to met with one of my favorite NBA players.

This was no secret and everyone I knew thought it was awesome! I took pictures that day, he met my family.. I was head over hills happy.

That night I came home and sent him the picture on the internet NEVER thinking I would hear back.. I was wrong.
He wrote me that night and told me how awesome I was. I was still in shock that he was actually talking to me.
I thought that would be it, and actually told my husband about it. He said something like, "I doubt that is even him, He meets how many people a day?"

Next day he had wrote me again and said something that I had said when we met so I was sure it was him..and we have talked everyday since that FB message in November.

I talked to him for several months online,but never anything more because I was married and MUCH older than he.
We both agreed we were good friends. We kept it friendly ONLY nothing sexual other than him saying things like I am so beautiful.. He gives me free tickets to all his home games in which I go with a friend or my husband I have to always make up reasons how I got these tickets cause I could never tell anyone other than 2 close friends.

As months went by I lived for our messages.. till one day he called me and I talked to him all day long.
That week we met up and it became sexual.That was In the beginning of February.

I am in SUCH A MESS NOW! I do not love him, but I AM OBSESSED with him. I am star struck more that I can say,and it makes me SICK! He has feelings for me, and I know they are true. He is not your typical "professional" athlete that sleeps around. I am sure of this, and know this is a HUGE deal for him also.
I was slapped into reality when I went to his game this week and a woman came up to me while I was sitting WITH MY HUSBAND and said" Do you remember me? Your *******'s girlfriend, right? I was your waitress at ********" The truth showing itself. I just laughed and said NO not me, and my husband was like wow, you wish as a Joke.:( It really really killed me inside.
It SCARED ME SO BAD I CANT THINK NOW!!!!!!

I Need to stop this NOW! I can not see how my husband will EVER be able to get over this. How can he EVER compare to a man who is 12 years younger and a well known on top of that ??

I feel like I am losing my mind, and the guilt is eating me alive!

please tell me what I can do? I am so lost.. I really am. I told the Other man what happened, and this getting out could really do damage to both of us!
I have not talked to other man since last night, and he is writing me non stop. He is making me feel bad by saying things like he has a game coming up and I am screwing with his life by ignoring him. ..he needs me.. you get it.

I want to go back to my OLD life, what steps do I take? Where do I start?

thank you so much, I know this is a huge mess, and I am so sorry.

Heather

heather....im sorry to tell you but your old life is gone....dead....YOU killed it. you need to stop all contact with om and tell your husband all of it. take responsibility for what you have done and start fixing it. get the book "surviving an affair" (saa) and give it to your husband. you have a lot of damage to undo.....

Affairs work like an addiction on the brain. OM = crack. You are going to have to go COLD turkey. Every contact (phone, text, email or FB) will set the withdrawal clock back to Day 1.

Not only that, but you will need to put a plan into place to ensure that contact doesn't start back up. You will need to close your FB account and change your phone #. Anything less than that is the equivalent of a crackhead keeping crack in their house. It won't work.

Most importantly, you are going to have to tell your H. There is NO other way.

Are you ready to start putting your family back together?

a friend of mine was a major league baseball player for 13 years. Professional athletes live a strange existence that they call "the life". Its hard to fathom unless you've seen it.

Part of "the life" for the overwhelming majority of athletes is having a woman in each city the team visits. Then they pack up and go someplace else where another woman is waiting. Because they are always in demand sexually, girlfriends get replaced frequently and without a second's thought.

I hate to tell you this, but because you are married you make a better girlfriend to an athlete. This is because it is unlikely that you will intentionally get pregnant or seek to make your relationship public.

I post this because I personally saw women discarded like yesterday's trash who had no idea that they were regarded as expendable sex toys. They are talked about as if they're not even human. The athletes are conditioned to think this way. Trust me, there are 3 other women who are "messin' with his game" the same way you are.

Go get checked for STDs. I understand you H had 2 x affairs? Did you not know the feelings they produce?
I would suggest making arrangements for the children this weekend and plan on starting this today!
First tell your H. Second draft a NC and let him send it. Third, hold on for the emotional ride of HIS (your) life and listen to the vets here.

Heather, the others are right, you need to tell your husband, end the affair and get checked for cooties. The OM has been doing this with many other women [sorry, you are not "special" and he has no respect for you] and likely has diseases. You are one of a long line of booty call for the OM.

But first, tell your husband!

Too true. Years ago my H and I followed a professional baseball team and spent time in the same restaurants/bars they frequented when they were in town. We actually got to know a few of them and what you're hearing here is true. They would talk about the women they had in different cities where they played. And believe me, they didn't talk about them with any respect.

Is the basketball player married? You need to expose to his wife if he is.

But you can�t avoid it. You must expose to your H.

You guys have a lot of work to do due to the amount of infidelity in your lives.

This place has a great program to follow for you guys to put your life back together, but cutting off all contact with OM and telling your H is the universal advice you will get here.

The basketball player is playing you.

Oh, yes, STDs... I lived in Orlando for a little while back in the '90s. My roomate was dating one of the Magic player's brother, they lived together. I even went over to the house one time. What everyone is saying is true ~ these professional athletes get "around".

Please make sure you go get tested ASAP and your H as well.

Heather, I am sorry to have to tell you that he is a typical athlete who sleeps around at each city of calling. It's a game that many professional athletes play. You are a booty call to him and nothing more, despite what he says to you.

You have been duped by this man. Think about it: how is an older married woman special to a young, rich athlete? You're not. He doesn't want you outside of sex. Deep down inside you mean nothing to him.

You took a HUGE risk and now it is time to pay. As you found out, you cannot keep an A a secret. I'm sure the rumors are spreading about this guys married girlfriend.

Tell your H now before he finds out from someone else. There is no avoiding this. Tell him and hope that the fallout from this can be overcome.

Your H may have a very difficult time trying to measure up to a pro athlete. Some men may not be able to overcome the comparison.

Heather,
I'm afraid it's time for you to understand your purpose to the Basketball player, you are just a groupie that they set up to fill their needs, and of course a joke or two in the locker room before or after the game.......
Wake up honey......this is so disgrading for you........
Okay now that I have said what is your truth, it's time for you to stand up to the plate and get your moral compass back to where it should be.
First of all end the affair with the Basketball player for good, and then tell your husband of your mistake, don't make excuses as to why other than you have made a mistake and you want to change that.
Tell him you are very sorry and hope that he can forgive and you hope he is willing to stay married and work through this mess you have created.....
good luck

You can't be that naive, can you??? My brother played professional football for years and him and his friends had zero loyalty to women because they had more women than you can count. Gain back your self respect, tell your DH and tell Mr. Ball player bye bye. Your post is really pitiful. I'm sorry you are in such a bad place. I pray that you get STD tested.

..... god i hope it isn't Tony Parker or Manu

You are not dumb, but you made a mistake and deep in your heart you know it. Even if he were not a professional basketball player with 100 women in his little black book: a man who tries to put you under pressure and manipulates you is no good. Did you ever bug him, because he screwed your life up? He is whining about a basketball game, because that is all that's important to him and all he has to lose. You stand to lose so much more than just an illusion. Get out as gracefully as you can. At least you will be the one who gets to dump him instead of the other way around.

Please get yourself together and start thinking about the future of your family.

You can do it. Best wishes,

Happyheart

Heather, even if you believe he has serious feelings for you or is exclusively with you right now, whatever, I can guarantee you one thing...he has had sex with hundreds of women before you.

Please please get yourself and your H to a dr for STD testing ASAP.

Heather,

Wisertoday's valid point is best answered by the following...

I know dear BH that you are not as strong or as quick as a jacka$$ either but at the end of the day he's still a jacka$$...

and you are not...

YOU are a man in every sense of the word and I am in love with YOU...

NOT the jacka$$.

God bless.

Jim

Wow I am a bit overwhelmed by some of your replies. And those that gave it to me softly thank you.

First I want to be VERY CLEAR about some things. I am NOT some stupid woman who dropped of the face of Mars yesterday to earth.
I COMPLETELY get how players are because I have worked around them for 7 years now. I hear what they say about women, and how it works.
I have 2 very close friends, and co workers that are currently one of these "women" you are talking about with two of the other players on his team.

Not that it matters to any of you, but I KNOW without a doubt that the other man in my situation IS NOT like the other players you all warn me about.
Yes, he has slept with women, I am not saying he has not, but he is not your normal, run of the mill, "player". You can say "oh she is so stupid to not get it".. I TOTALLY get it, but if I told you the circumstances to how I know he is not like that you will all know who I am talking about, and I can't do that. He is not married,and does not have another girlfriend AT THIS TIME other than myself.

ok, now that I am done trying to prove I am not a complete moron .. I know what I am doing is completely wrong and I am trying to change that. The more I am trying the more it is spinning out of control.
I know what I have to do, and went no contact with him till this morning when he came to my house because I did not answer calls or messages.
Now this has put me in an even more critical situation because my neighbor saw him coming out of my house and FREAKED that I know ******* **********.! I told him that he is a client and to please not say anything, but I know it is God unraveling my sins for the world to see.

I am going to have to tell my husband today because tonight we are suppose to go to the game, and I cant do this anymore to both of us.
MY husband will be hurt, but he knows where my heart is and what he has done to me twice. This will not be easy, but has to be done.
I am so scared I can't deal with this.. I feel like I am going to fall apart before I can even say the words to tell him.
I am so shameful... God forgive my soul!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


.

Well, Heather. You make some good points. How can your H ever compete with a man who is 12 years younger, well known, and presumably athletic and attractive?

That is definitely not something he'll be able to "get over" on his own. It would be up to YOU to PROVE to your H that you love him, adore him, think he's sexy and attractive and better than this manipulative piece of trash NBA player.

You think it can't be done? Don't be so sure. My WW's affair partner is a well known musician, a foot taller than me, presumably "well endowed," "sexy" and etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. Now, of course, I know he's a piece of trash and I'm recovering my self-esteem... but my WW had (still has) a TON of proving to do to make me believe that SHE thinks I'm better than POSOM. If she can't do that, then yeah, it's plan D... no man can be a good H while he's constantly thinking about how he's 2nd best, and good luck getting a man to "perform" while he's constantly comparing himself.

So that "getting over" (which is a terrible term, try "recovering" or "healing" instead) has a lot to do with how YOU treat your H from here on out.

How much do you want to recover your marriage, Heather? You know the pain of betrayal, and you just inflicted it on your H. You're both going to have some healing to do.

Jim,
I loved what you wrote and I am going to say this because I know that is what will take place
thank you SO much!

THANK you so much Stuckwaiting.. this gave me hope today! I am going to try!!!!!!!

If you were to have a PI follow him when he's not around you I think you'd find that you are very much mistaken.

How are you "trying" to change that? The only thing you've done is not call him. That doesn't mean a thing.

You want to change this? Go home and tell your husband the truth. Then you BOTH call the bb player and you tell him you will never see him again.

That'll get you started.

Heather, I don't think anyone much cares whether you are stupid or not. Some of my best friends are stupid.

I think what people want to do is to help you.

There are people here who have been exactly where you are. Your situation is not different than theirs. If you will accept that and listen to and follow the advice you are given, you can get out of this.

But the affair is like an alien infesting your brain. It wants to do anything it can to survive. It will tell you lies. You will have to learn not to listen to these lies, or it will succeed in keeping you as its "host."

There are folks here who have seen all of those lies before and can help you do the right thing and overcome them.

maritalbliss

that is what I mean right there.. you talk to me as If I am a moron again.

I'll do this on my own. Don't need people to treat me like I am less than Human.

Thanks for those who tried to help.

Heather, I suggest you not try to prove anything to us. We are just a bunch of complete strangers and you have nothing to prove to us. Trying to prove something is just one of the things the affair will try to get you to do so you are TALKING and not LISTENING.

The alien knows it is vulnerable to what you are hearing, and it doesn't want to die.

Think for a minute about what you've done. You put out for a man who isn't your husband. That's far worse than being stupid or a moron. Let's handle that problem and dig you out of that hole instead of trying to prove that you are all right. Obviously something is wrong or you wouldn't be in this hole, right?

Do you want out? Or do you want to be right?

Do you want to be happy again? Or do you want to prove how smart you are to strangers?

I am not talking to you like you are a moron, and I am very offended that you would suggest such a thing.

I am stating the obvious to you, as I have to hundreds of other waywards who have come here, so completely enveloped in affair-fog that they are unable to see past their own needs and wants.

Good luck.

Heather, that is not nice. You don't know what maritalbliss is thinking. She didn't call you a moron and I certainly don't think she thinks you are a moron.

The parasite that it is in you that doesn't want to die is wanting to prevent you from noticing what maritalbliss really said. She didn't call you a moron. She said:


This is exactly the right prescription for this disease. You get out of this by DOING, not by TALKING. She's pointing out that you need to do something.

The alien wants you to think you've done something, and sit back, and rest easy now, while it settles back in and makes you miserable.


There's the map. That's good help. That's what you need to do. But the alien persuaded you to be defensive and get mad at maritalbliss instead of listening to this, to try to keep you from doing it.

This is the therapy you need. You don't need to straighten maritalbliss or anybody else out. You need to straighten yourself out. Shine the light on this demon of darkness and kill it. Fixate on this problem instead of on the people trying to help you.

Heather,
Maritalbliss isn't talking to you like you are a moron. You are pretty defensive about this OM's intent. When really it doesn't matter. He could be the one exception to the professional athlete's general reputation.....except that he isn't an exception because we know at the minimum he is having sex with YOU--another's man wife.

I hope you will stay and take the advice given. Step one---confess to your husband. Step two write a no contact letter to your affair partner. Let your husband read it. Let your husband mail it.

No one is treating you like a moron.

Every single wayward believed that their affair was "different" and that what they experienced with their affair partner was "special" at one time. Every one of us was wrong. You are looking at your affair right now through the rose-colored glasses of a very foggy wayward. Until you realize that what you had with the OM wasn't special or different, you will continue to be wayward. That's all people are pointing out to you. They are not calling you names. They are telling you the truth.

It would be much better for you to realize your affair for what it is before you approach your H and confess. Things will go much better for you if you realize first that your relationship with the OM wasn't special at all. If you approach your H with the attitude that you are displaying here right now, it will only do more damage to your M than has already been done.

If you are serious about this, you need to confess to your H, not in the attitude that you had something "special" and "unique" with the OM, but in a very humble manner, taking full responsibility for your actions and 100% committed to working on your M and healing the damage that has been done. You aren't there yet. Not even close.

After you confess to your H, you need to write a NC letter to the OM. There are examples on how to do this here. The letter needs to be simple and straight-forward, telling the OM that what you did was wrong, that you are committed to working on your M, and that you never want to see him again for the rest of your life.

Then, have your H come here so that he can get the help he needs to get through this.

Are you willing to do any of that?

Heather, please read that carefully.

I'm serious when I am telling you that there people here who have been through exactly what you have been through, and now know exactly how to tell you how to get out of it.

Heather, my wife and I read this in the Bible together this morning and were very inspired:

"This is the verdict: Light has come into the world, but people loved darkness instead of light because their deeds were evil. Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that their deeds will be exposed. But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what they have done has been done in the sight of God."

Why don't you partner up with God and shine the light on this darkness, so you can drive it out of you?

Heather,

I will share a secret with you. Shhhh don't tell. Sometimes I still think my AP really loved me and meant all those things he said.

THEN

I remember the H*$$ I have put my family through and realize that if he had truly loved and admired me that much, he would have done it from afar and let me lead my life.

None of us know this man's situation, despite the stereotypes of pro athletes.

These types of assumptions based on career stereotypes are irrelevant and are frankly distracting.

Who cares who the OM is? Honestly.

Whether he's a garbage collector or the leader of the free world, it doesn't really matter.

I hope you stick around, Heather. For many reasons.

This is a good place to get your head straightened out and help you through the mess you and your husband have created.

Are you planning to tell your husband today?

I AM reading all this! I really am!! Do you not think that I know what I have done???? !!!!!!!!!!!!!I face it everyday!:(
I KNOW I am not special to him and HE is not special to me!
I know that this is something that I have got myself into and I dont know how to crawl out of it other than JUST DOING IT and that is WHAT I am doing!
I am not trying to puff this om up. Hell, he gets on my nerves most the time, and my husband may not be as Young and have a perfect Body like the OM but I love being with him MORE.
But I know and don't need a PI to tell me that he does not do this A LOT.
The OM is CONSTANTLY trying to contact me or have me come to his house. I HAVE been the one backing off more and more because my heart is DYING because of what I am doing.
I am reading about NC right now
I think I am losing it right now. I really do.

DELTA, You are just what I need. Yes, I am planning on telling him today at 4. God Help me.:(

sunnydaze. we are not in-love, and I never thought that.

She's no more naive than any other WW.

That's the point.

Neither the WW nor the OM in this case are any different.

You're not different, Heather. You and this other dirtbag guy have both done the wrong thing.

And I hope this is the first day of you turning that around.

I will be praying for you. You have much courage.

DELTA thank you so much . I am going to turn this around! I am so afraid but I am going to do it!

thank you so much i pray for courage.

That's great. This is step one of doing the right thing by being Open & Honest.

When you tell your husband the truth, answer all of his questions completely. Don't hide things to "spare" him. He deserves to know the full truth of his life.

Think about how you will discuss things WITHOUT bringing up his past affairs (it will come across as tit for tat - excuses), justifications, finger pointing, etc.

Be prepared to take the full blame. Because you are fully to blame for your actions.

Please come back and tell us how it went.

Do I first tell the OM that I am telling my husband today? He already knows that I am losing my mind now and is TERRIFIED that it will leak out to the media or such because my husbands anger.

Heather, please calm down. I know what you are going through is devastating. But please for your sake stay calm and in control so you can get your job done.


Okay, Heather, look carefully: you haven't done it, yet. You aren't doing it, yet. You are saying you will do it, and I hope you will do it. But don't believe you are doing it, yet.


Heather, it doesn't really matter, does it? What's more important, here? Setting the record straight about this, or digging out of this hole?

Heather, when OM tries to contact you again by phone or a different means or comes to your house or workplace, what do you plan to do?

You need to decide on a specific action plan to establish and maintain no contact NO MATTER WHAT (the excuse is), and share this plan with your husband today.

If you tell your H there will be NC and then break it for ANY reason, it will feel like a butcher knife in his back all over again.

Are you willing to go NC starting this minute?

No matter what OM tries?

NO.

You're done communicating with him, right?

It's cold turkey from this moment forward.

NC means NC. No matter what.

maybe the affair needs to be leaked to the media...the guy needs to learn a lesson that screwing married women is wrong...i'm sure the owner of his team would like to know just what kind of person he is...woo a married women w/ free tickets to a game just to get in her pants...but i'm sure it happens all the time...

In my opinion, you do not tell him anything of the sort. He's a big boy, who can be responsible for the consequences of his own actions.

Also, stop thinking about OM's feelings. If OM was thinking about YOUR feelings he would've left you alone, instead he carelessly attempted to destroy your marriage, your life. Start thinking about how your actions will affect H, not OM. Any effort spent considering how poor little OM will feel after you tell your husband, is wasted energy.

Heather,
I read your post about telling your husband this evening and letting the chips fall where they will, I am proud that you are starting to do the right thing, your husband has a right to know........it will be hard but the two of you can start again with and open honest relationship.
Don't trickle truth him, answer all his questions with honesty and humility.......
Make sure you tell him you are sorry and that you made a mistake, and you hope he can get past it and still want to work together in the marriage
This is going to be a rough road for a while and I will tell you that this forum will help you through this if you let them, this is a marriage building forum we are all here to fix our marriages or help someone else go through the emotional trama that goes with it...........
I think right now you are in affair fog mode, look it up, see if you fit the bill.
Read all you can on this site about affairs and the backlash it creates, look at what needs to happen to repair the damage.......
You and your husband can turn this around to something positive but that starts with you seeing your affair for what it is and really being sorry for your actions....
Affairs are fantasy, the love you share with your husband is reality, don't lose sight of that any longer.
good luck I hope you stick around for the help you will need
jessi

Actually the fact that the OM is a NBA player with high visibility may work in Heather's favor.

The OM respects Heather's demand for no contact... or else the cat is out of the bag.

OK I have called husband and told him that we can not go to the game tonight, and I need to talk to him when he gets home. I was crying so he knows something is very wrong. My husband is a Dr so he is not able to just come home right now and that is what he wants to do.

The Om is in practice right now but I know at 1;30 he will call me and want to come see me. I am not going to answer but left a message today and told him that my neighbors saw him this morning and media might be around so he CAN NOT come here ever again. That is ALL I said.
I am going to tell husband everything because I KNOW how much getting bits goes. He did that to me and I am still hurt and angry about it to this day.
calming down as much as i can THANMK YOU SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!

RMX yes he is very afraid that it will get out. VERY

To end the affair properly and to let OM know you will no longer have anything to do with him, Dr. Harley advises the cheating spouse to send a NC letter.

Here's a sample:


OM,

The relationship I had with you was thoughtless and cruel. It hurt many people, particularly my husband, who did not deserve to be treated that way. I am committed to my marriage and determined to make up for all the hurt I've caused my family. I am going to work hard to be the wife my husband deserves. (OR ... be the wife and mother my husband and children deserve.)

Because of the terrible offense to my husband and the damage I have done to our marriage, I am permanently ending all contact with you. Please respect my wish to regain my integrity and to heal my family. Please also respect my wish that you not attempt to contact me in any way at any time.

My husband has all the details of our relationship, and he will also be told of any attempts at contact.

(name)

---

After the letter is written, Dr. Harley recommends that the betrayed spouse read and approve it before it is sent.

Heather, you might want to print out the NC letter so your H can read it tonight after you tell him about the A. I think it will show some integrity on your part.

You didn't answer my question from earlier:
Are you willing to start NC this minute? No matter what?

OK I am going to write the letter then right now. Do I send that to the OM right now? or wait for my husband?
So I just leave things as they are with om right? no goodbyes just wham don't contact me again? thank you!

Many people here have felt your pain. My H had an A with my own sister.


Ages? Do they know about their dad's affairs?

Heather,

You said something a page back that I would like to discuss with you. You said First, thing you need to do is be honest here. The OM is special to you or you would not have written to him so much. I doubt that you are the kind of woman that just goes out and has sex with just anyone. In fact, based on what you have said, I KNOW you are not that kind of woman.

So why did you do it? It was because OM was special. And you are special to him as well. Why? Well others have offered their opinion, me I'll just keep my opinion about that to myself, it doesn't matter.

BUT, here is the thing. Your H will need to learn to trust you and if you tell him that OM is not special (a lie I'm thinking) he will not believe it. To your H you are not the type of woman that sleeps around. So, you must be a woman that has found another man very attractive both physically and emotionally. If your H had not had affair, perhaps your boundaries would have been stronger.

But Heather, realize you did this because...you wanted to. You realize what it could cost you and you value your H more, or at least for now you do.

Be honest with yourself and then be honest with him. You were with the OM because you wanted to. You are ending the affair because... you want to. You want your marriage because you love your H.

Start with those thoughts. Your H is not in a strong negotiating position which on the face of it might be to your advantage, but in reality might make recovery harder.

Start with honesty Heather, start with honesty toward yourself and you will find it easier to be honest with your H. You survived your H's affairs although not in the way we here would like to see your marriage recovered. Your H can survive your affair, but hopefully with more success. He may chose to leave, but if he choses to stay he will need help.

I strongly recommend a good pro-marriage counselor and the Harleys are good...very good.

Hang in there, there will be tough times, you know this from your H's affairs, but you and he can get through this and YOU TWO CAN HAVE A GREAT MARRIAGE (remember this!) You TWO CAN HAVE A GREAT MARRIAGE. It will take time and patience and a conscience effort on both of your parts to put each other first.

I'll stop now.

God Bless,

JL

Wait for your husband. Get his approval. This NC letter is for his benefit as well as for yours. He may want you to reword things.

we have a 14 and 15 year old. Yes, they do and it killed them because what it did to me. I was such a GOOD wife to him. I overlooked the first one cause we were SO young and he had only been with one other woman besides me.
When he had the A with my best friend it KILLED me to the core and I could not function for 6 months. it was then that we were separated and honestly so many men wanted to date me it was absurd. He said he knew what he was giving up and wanted -wants me now more than ever. I feel like he should have felt that way A LONG time ago! it took others wanting me for him to want me so badly. now I have to deal with the fact he wwas with my best friend for a YEAR!!!!! Kills me!

What's so wonderful about MB is that Dr. Harley and his staff have helped thousands of couples recover from infidelity rather than just sweep the underlying problems back under the rug.

MB offers books, articles, a radio program, an online course and phone counseling to help marriages recover from affairs. It's Dr. Harley's mission in life, and he and his staff are successful.

You and your husband obviously didn't turn your marriage around after his affairs. But all of that can change.

You've come to the right place.

First, thing you need to do is be honest here. The OM is special to you or you would not have written to him so much. I doubt that you are the kind of woman that just goes out and has sex with just anyone. In fact, based on what you have said, I KNOW you are not that kind of woman.

NO I AM NOT.. you are right. I have NEVER done anything like this ever. I have had sex with 3 men in my life.
that is why I am IN SHOCK that I have done here! I have been clear with the OM that I am not one to sleep around and that is why we just talked for months and months. He NEVER ONCE tried to talk me into having sex with him all those months. NEVER. we really were just friends till I let him get to me! I AM THE ONE that went to his house and planned the whole sexual situation to happen. Even that night he told me no, and we need to think about it. I told him I had and I was ready to do this
He kept asking me If I was sure. How nuts is that? he is a young Man with his whole life telling ME! now that I write that I want to throw up.


So why did you do it? It was because OM was special. And you are special to him as well. Why? Well others have offered their opinion, me I'll just keep my opinion about that to myself, it doesn't matter.


Why did I do it? I did it cause I got obsessed with him . I let him in my normal boring world and he gave me a thrill.
I see all these women that want him and write to him. throw themselves at him and he wants me. He gives me a feeling I have never had before, and I cant explain it.
As I was having sex with him it hit me that I am doing something a thousand women would LOVE and all I could think about is this is what my husband did with my best friend while I was at work too and I grew so angry!
I do like him. I like the attention. I like the feeling of being wanted.
I know he has feelings for me without a doubt. He just left me a voice message and was crying. He told me that he has fallen in love with me and I feel it too. He is in practice and called me. that is HUGE. I never thought he would say I LOVE YOU. UGH. Why did he do this?

I will wait for my husband to get home before I do anything else.

Delta I will get help from them here. I really will.

Are you going to take our advice and kill the affair, first by telling your husband, second by sending the OM a no cintact letter your husband reads and approves followed by a programme to recover your marriage.

Slow typest sent the previouse post before I read your latest response.

Good luck , be open and honest for everyone's sake

Because, just like your H and former BF, you all let your needs be met by people other than your spouses.

You had loose and lousy boundaries. None of you should have been having private, personal discussions with each other in the first place. None of you should have been flirting - at any level.

Once you did, of course it felt good. It does feel special when someone converses with you, admires you, finds you attractive, desires you sexually, wants to spend time with you.

But it's not unique. Everyone in the same situation feels just the way you did. Just the way your H did.

It's also not reality. And I think you recognize this. It's a fantasy world that's based in lies and deception. So it never was or could be true love. Because it's all false to begin with.

How do you think your kids will feel now that you have done the same thing? That is not said as a stab at you..just wanting you to see that what you have done will be just as devastating to them. I am sorry that you have to be here. The people at marriage builders are awesome..you will benefit well from listening to them.

OH MY GOD NO!!!!!!!! MY HUSBAND THINKS I KNOW ABOUT HIM! he think I found OUT ABOUT HIM STILL BEING WITH MY OLD BETS FRIEND!

He just called me frantic and telling me over and over how sorry he is. OMG I CANT TAKE IT. WOW JOKE IS ON ME!! I AM IN COMPLETE SHOCK THIS CHANGES EVERYTHING!!!!! He never stopped with her. HE NEVER STOPPED!!!!!!!!!!!
WHAT DO I DO NOW?????

Heather, You need to ask yourself, can your H offer you this? Is this what you want to be envied by other women trying to sleep with your man? What do you want out of life? Your H is going to want to know, but more than that YOU NEED TO KNOW.

OM may be in love, or he may be in lust, or you may be the first woman that really talked to him and shared with him, but what you do know is that what you did has ensnared him as he has you. Stop, take this idea out and really look at it, roll it around in your head and see it from all angles. What can you learn from it? Can what you learn help your marriage?

YOu are beginning to see what you must tell your H. Be honest.

God Bless,

JL

Oh no, Heather. I'm really sorry to hear this.

When did you think their A ended?

he thinks I ws crying cause I found him out . THIS IS UNREAL.

Wow, Heather, this is going to get really rough. Now you have both sides of this going on at once.

On the plus side, it is a GOOD thing that you know this.

You are going to have some severe emotional reactions right now though at a time when you need to take it slow and carefully.

I really recommend you get in touch with Dr. Harley and his wife Joyce here at Marriage Builders. Dr. Harley is the ultra-expert at surviving an affair.

Tell us more about this OW.

How far does she live from you?

Is she married?

Did you think you still had any ties to her? If so, what?

Nothing changes and there is no excuse to continue the affair , you both sit down and tell the truth to one another. Together decide if the marriage is worth saving, do not drip drip the information nor should your husband.

Both of you should start being open and honest with each other.

I thought it was over 2 years ago . we went to marriage councilors . I have worked with one myself to get over it and the whole time he has been with her. how did i know not to ever trust him again? i always thought it was so strange that he did not care I was out with the girls all the time and how he encouraged me to do it.
I am not telling him a damn thing right now!!!! nothing!!!!! I cant believe I have died over this man for nothing, nothing at all.

Xau is right.

Now is the time for both of you to come 100% clean about everything.

And hopefully start a new life together.

It is certainly your choice to end the marriage.

Is that what you want?

she lives 45 minutes from my house and is very married with 3 kids herself.
I am done with this marriage . I really am. He knew what he has done to my heart . watched me cry a million tears. go a week without food and unable to hold my head up.
He does not deserve me. I do not want him AT ALL.

Because you two had filled each other's needs, at the same time sharing none of that boring and annoying everyday stuff, so that the love bank of each of you filled up to the level of falling in love. Because being in love is pretty much an addiction. And the first moments of withdrawal make you crave like crazy, so that you'll feel the addiction stronger than ever; the same goes for him (which explains the ILY). So, alas, it is all perfectly normal and has happened with slight modifications of details to so many of us here...

But it actually is all blunt chemistry. Once you really realise that it is not a unique fairy tale but a series of tiny steps and causes-consequences, it will get better.

I feel for you, I remember the nausea I had before telling my BH. You are doing the right thing.


Edit...
Oh dear. Kind of evens it out, doesn't it? Actually - no.

Hm, I wonder if your H would think the same as what you wrote here:

I agree with the other posters - it is a terrible, yet wonderful opportunity for both of you to come clean and start your marriage all over again. In a way, it is easier, because you are on the same level. For the same reason, it is incredibly harder.

Be strong.

She just called my yhouse begging me not to tell her husband . what a sick sick twisted thing I am living.

Okay, I know you're a huge bundle of emotions right now.

Trust me, I've been there. I thought my H's affair (also with someone I thought was my friend) was over many times, only to find out that wasn't the case. I'm not even sure how many D-days we had, but there were probably at least half a dozen.

It's not terribly surprising that your H never ended his affair. You've never had a plan before to get your marriage back on track. MB offers such a plan.

You need to order "Surviving an Affair." In the meantime, read everything on this site about overcoming infidelity. It can be done. It isn't easy, but it is possible, even when there has been infidelity on both sides of the fence. My H and I are still together, and finally there isn't a third person involved in our marriage. It has been a long road getting to where we are, and we still have a long way to go, but things are getting better.

I understand. I really do.

To help regain your sanity, I strongly encourage you to contact the MB counseling center here:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7000_counsel.html

Because no matter what happens, you still need to proceed with a PLAN. Right now, you have no plan, and they will help you devise one that works for you.



I am so very sorry, Heather. I can only imagine how much pain you're in right now.

Are some of your current friends still friends with this OW?

Here's part of your problem. Read up on exposure. Exposure is the best way to kill an affair. If your H's affair had been exposed a long time ago, it almost certainly would have ended. Her H needs to know and you need to tell him.

Yes, it's sick and twisted, but it isn't particularly unusual. There are a lot of people (far too many) who have been where you are right now.

My Husband is on his way home and I am leaving. I hate to say this but I am going to the OM house till I know what to do with myself. he is having his driver come get me cause I cant even drive. I will use his computer when I get there. Please dont hate me I am dying adn never saw this comong .

Please don't do this. This isn't the answer. Two wrongs NEVER make a right. You are only getting yourself into this mess deeper.

Do you have any family nearby you could call?

oh and I am calling the ow husband when i get in the car. My day is here for the PAIN they both put me in!

I hope she left that message on a machine rather than speaking to you.

Do not ever communicate with this woman again.

Of course you will be telling her husband everything. Because he deserves to know.

You tell him everything and together let her husband know. Going forward you both have to affair proof the marriage, no half measures, no I won't tell you because !!! neither of you are in high school and both of you had affair time to sort your marriage out and fix it properly.

Do not try take the moral high ground you are both in affairs, the carnage and damage to everyone is about to fall. Both of you have to change NOW

I have NO FAMILY here at all. NO ONE. My kids are both gone with my parents. I am really alone. COMPLETELY.:( My friends are all working 2 hours away! I know its wrong WHAT else can I DO>

Driver is here in 10 minutes i must get off i will use om computer at his house. please dont hate me for this. i need you guys so much

Please rethink this.

For the sake of your children. They need one stand up parent right now.

This is not the right thing to do, and you know it.

Sleazing around with OM is not what you're made of. You already decided that you're better than that.

There are plenty of other things you can do. What you don't want to do is make matters even worse. Going off to the OM's house will most definitely do that. You aren't thinking straight right now and so you are making a lot of rash decisions that you are going to regret later on. You need to stop, take a deep breath, and calm down. You are in no position to make any life altering decisions right now.

Heather, I am so sorry. I can't imagine going through this in this way.

You are to be commended for trying to do what is right. I hope you will stay with us and continue to listen to the good advice here. You will need it, no matter what you decide.

No one is going to hate you. We are simply trying to help you. You need to stop reacting to the situation and listen.

If you can't stay with your husband tonight and have no family or friends around, go to a hotel.

Do not let OM know what hotel you're going to.

Send the driver away.

Take your car. Call a taxi.

Don't do the wrong thing here. Think of your children.

I am so sorry for what your scummy H and former BF did to you.

But being with OM is not the answer.

You are totally correct in telling the OW's husband. She is a real piece of work. Your husband is a self-centered narcessistic jerk. I hope the OW's husband confronts your husband. Get a good attorney.

Nevertheless, I worry about you. I think you need to spend time with your children and some family friends. You are too messed up to be thinking logically right now about remaining with the OM. This will end badly for you and your children. I wish you luck.

You can talk to us ... all night long.

Can you go to be with your parents and kids?

This is where you belong.

Something doesn't smell right!!!!

Yes. You need people who really do care about you, and about your children.

What's that, Kenmoore?

my thoughts exactly

Are you guys thinking troll? Spit it out.

If you've got some questions you want to ask this poster or some advice to offer them with Marriage Builders principles, you can do that.

If you have some concerns, you should take them to the moderators.

Please!!

No accusations or assumptions!!

If you think you can offer this poster MB advice & support,,PLEASE do so.

If not, please refrain from posting...

My concerns (and I suspected another thread too) come from good people spending their time giving advice/care. But like it was said in the other thread, someone else may benefit from good advice even if the OP doesn't.

Thank you.

Heather, we look forward to hearing from you and helping you.

I am steaming mad at your OM right now. He should not be consoling you.

Anyone who truly cares about you knows you need to be with your parents and kids right now. Not in the arms of some affair partner.

You are not thinking straight, and that is understandable. Please don't make matters worse by continuing on with this fantasy life.

OM is a scumbag. Anyone who would have a relationship with a married woman is a scumbag, regardless of his profession. You already realize this.

You deserve better treatment from men altogether. Don't go on this way.

Exactly!

Your H's A doesn't in any way justify your own A or any of your own bad behavior. Going to OM's house is taking another step down the WRONG path.

I have no problem if you want to D your H. I don't know what the right answer there is but one thing I do know with 100% certainty is that continuing your own A is making an awful situation WORSE.

Start doing the right things...for yourself and for your children.

NC and expose to OWH. Don't leave the home. If anything, ask your H to leave.

You are making the biggest mistake by going to OM, what your husband has done is horrible but really you are doing the exact same thing he is doing so why are you so upset? Because his affair never ended?

I am confused....you are cheating on your husband and feel soo horrible then you find out that the affair never ended and now you are leaving?

If you really want to end this marriage then yes by all means go to the other man...but you just told us that you do not care for him, you do not love him, so now that the situation is different you run to him? Does not make any sense!

I am sorry for the pain you had to endure but if you are giving up dont give up and run to the OM, you need to face your husband and tell him everything! Then decide if you want to stay with your husband.

I do agree about telling the OWH, but that IS IT!!! EVERYTHING else you are doing I DO NOT AGREE ON!

too late. she is on her way to OM's house. This is not good

Hmm, well, she was on "Who's Online" but she just logged off... ??

Please do the right thing here, it is probably too late I am sure you are there right now with the OM and we can not change that....but please do something right and go home and face your husband you are no better then your husband, so stand up and go to him.

Do you honestly think your actions are justifiable?

Go home
Face your husband
Talk to him
Tell him everything
then if you still want to divorce him then by all means do so...but do it THE RIGHT WAY!!

NOT

THE WRONG WAY!!

I am here and on my phone so it is so hard to type. I am here in the car still
and have not went anywhere at all other than driving around. My phone has not stopped ringing from my husband. Om and and the woman my husband
never stopped loving. I talked to my mother and I swear she wants me to be with the other man. He is just getting out of practice and has a game in just a few hours. I will have the whole night to have this sink in. I am so grateful I have u all here. I feel so alone and so deep in pain right now. Thank u so much

Has your mom known all along about your affair with OM?

Did your two friends know that it was a physical affair?

I'm glad you're driving around. Don't see OM, Heather. Don't do it. I understand your desire for consoling, but it is not in your best interest.

Please call and tell her husband today. He has a right to know about this. I would tell him before your H and the OW get to him and spin the story.

This all needs to come out, Heather. Your affair, his affair. Get it out in the open into the light of day. Most especially with your children.

Oh good grief. This is getting ridiculous. I was all on board until I saw this. It makes no sense to get lathered up about your H's affair when you are in an AFFAIR yourself, Madam. You have lost the privilege of victimhood when you are doing the same thing.

How about calling up the OW's husband, telling him about the affair and then going home and acting like a grownup? You have children and need to pull yourself together for them. Go home and talk to your husband. Tell your kids what is going on and control your emotions.

Yes. Your first call needs to be to OW's husband. Then GO HOME. I know you're going to hate to hear my advice since you've already balked at it, but YOU ARE NOT A TEENAGER WHO'S BEEN JILTED. You are a MARRIED MOTHER. GO HOME.

Heather,
Something to think about, your life has been filled with lies and deceit, your husband and the affairs he has had, now your own, all of it was wrong because neither of you could do the right thing for each other and your family.
Do you want to continue this kind of life or this where you put an end to all this and only act in an honest and respectful way.
I think it's time to do the right thing across the board, it's time to be accountable for your actions so you can change this rollercoaster lifestyle and be a more stable loving individual.........
First things first, I would call the OW's husband and let him know what has been going on.........he deserves to be able to make his own decisions about his life and future, then you put your big girl pants on and go home and talk to your husband calmly, you be truthful about your feelings and your actions you come clean with anything you yourself had done wrong in the marriage.......You give him the respect to tell you his story ............Then you make a decision together what the future will hold for the two of you, right now you are so angry making any kind of decision is not advised...........
You talk, you tell the truth, then you take some time to absorb the day and make your decision when you are ready......
You also keep the OM out of your life for now.............Respect for your family has to come first right now................all you can do is control yourself and have the moral will power to do what is right. Your husband has his own demons to deal with...........the OW and the OM need to just even be in the equation right now.......they were both mistakes and don't really have any importance here.....
This is your chance to chance your life no matter what happens here, I don't think you want to continue like this, look what this kind of thinking has brought to your life and your childrens, it time to change YOU forever........Take that chance...................you came here to do the right thing, don't lose that plan......

Well, this certainly is interesting.

Heather, do what everyone is telling you. Call OW's H and let him know what is happening. Then get in your car and go to a hotel so that you can calm down. Talk with your family, don't talk with OM he cannot help you with this or with life.

You are a married woman with children, he is a single guy with no children. Given the age difference, that this relationship started and is an affair, there is little chance it would work.

Your H has been burning up your marriage for years now time for serious honesty on the part of both of you.

Calm down, and start doing what are the moral and correct things to do.

God Bless,

JL

Then get it over with and take your medicine. Answer your phone, go home and work this out with your HUSBAND. You both have dug yourselves into a hole, no sense blaming your husband for something that you're guilty of yourself.

Do the right thing and go home. This little thing with OM hasn't worked very well for you so far, has it?

Heather, I hope you have the good sense to realize how totally delusional this fantasy is.

Your mom probably has no idea that relationships starting as affairs have less than a 5% success rate.

Now, back to reality ...

What are your plans for tonight? Have you called OW's husband?

Your mom has some star-studded idea that she'll be the MIL to an NBA player. She has thrown her grandchildren under the bus. She has forgotten them entirely. That is so sad.

never mind

You now know the addiction of falling for another person. Eventually your husband will find out.

Do not blame your part of the affair on your husband. Remember, you were the aggressor.

Take time to read up on the marriage builder principals, whether for this marriage or the next.

I believe in the sanctity of marriage. I wish it be honoured at this time!

What choices have you made this weekend?