Do I first tell the OM that I am telling my husband today? He already knows that I am losing my mind now and is TERRIFIED that it will leak out to the media or such because my husbands anger.

Heather, please calm down. I know what you are going through is devastating. But please for your sake stay calm and in control so you can get your job done.


Okay, Heather, look carefully: you haven't done it, yet. You aren't doing it, yet. You are saying you will do it, and I hope you will do it. But don't believe you are doing it, yet.


Heather, it doesn't really matter, does it? What's more important, here? Setting the record straight about this, or digging out of this hole?

Heather, when OM tries to contact you again by phone or a different means or comes to your house or workplace, what do you plan to do?

You need to decide on a specific action plan to establish and maintain no contact NO MATTER WHAT (the excuse is), and share this plan with your husband today.

If you tell your H there will be NC and then break it for ANY reason, it will feel like a butcher knife in his back all over again.

Are you willing to go NC starting this minute?

No matter what OM tries?

NO.

You're done communicating with him, right?

It's cold turkey from this moment forward.

NC means NC. No matter what.

maybe the affair needs to be leaked to the media...the guy needs to learn a lesson that screwing married women is wrong...i'm sure the owner of his team would like to know just what kind of person he is...woo a married women w/ free tickets to a game just to get in her pants...but i'm sure it happens all the time...

In my opinion, you do not tell him anything of the sort. He's a big boy, who can be responsible for the consequences of his own actions.

Also, stop thinking about OM's feelings. If OM was thinking about YOUR feelings he would've left you alone, instead he carelessly attempted to destroy your marriage, your life. Start thinking about how your actions will affect H, not OM. Any effort spent considering how poor little OM will feel after you tell your husband, is wasted energy.

Heather,
I read your post about telling your husband this evening and letting the chips fall where they will, I am proud that you are starting to do the right thing, your husband has a right to know........it will be hard but the two of you can start again with and open honest relationship.
Don't trickle truth him, answer all his questions with honesty and humility.......
Make sure you tell him you are sorry and that you made a mistake, and you hope he can get past it and still want to work together in the marriage
This is going to be a rough road for a while and I will tell you that this forum will help you through this if you let them, this is a marriage building forum we are all here to fix our marriages or help someone else go through the emotional trama that goes with it...........
I think right now you are in affair fog mode, look it up, see if you fit the bill.
Read all you can on this site about affairs and the backlash it creates, look at what needs to happen to repair the damage.......
You and your husband can turn this around to something positive but that starts with you seeing your affair for what it is and really being sorry for your actions....
Affairs are fantasy, the love you share with your husband is reality, don't lose sight of that any longer.
good luck I hope you stick around for the help you will need
jessi

Actually the fact that the OM is a NBA player with high visibility may work in Heather's favor.

The OM respects Heather's demand for no contact... or else the cat is out of the bag.

OK I have called husband and told him that we can not go to the game tonight, and I need to talk to him when he gets home. I was crying so he knows something is very wrong. My husband is a Dr so he is not able to just come home right now and that is what he wants to do.

The Om is in practice right now but I know at 1;30 he will call me and want to come see me. I am not going to answer but left a message today and told him that my neighbors saw him this morning and media might be around so he CAN NOT come here ever again. That is ALL I said.
I am going to tell husband everything because I KNOW how much getting bits goes. He did that to me and I am still hurt and angry about it to this day.
calming down as much as i can THANMK YOU SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!

RMX yes he is very afraid that it will get out. VERY

To end the affair properly and to let OM know you will no longer have anything to do with him, Dr. Harley advises the cheating spouse to send a NC letter.

Here's a sample:


OM,

The relationship I had with you was thoughtless and cruel. It hurt many people, particularly my husband, who did not deserve to be treated that way. I am committed to my marriage and determined to make up for all the hurt I've caused my family. I am going to work hard to be the wife my husband deserves. (OR ... be the wife and mother my husband and children deserve.)

Because of the terrible offense to my husband and the damage I have done to our marriage, I am permanently ending all contact with you. Please respect my wish to regain my integrity and to heal my family. Please also respect my wish that you not attempt to contact me in any way at any time.

My husband has all the details of our relationship, and he will also be told of any attempts at contact.

(name)

---

After the letter is written, Dr. Harley recommends that the betrayed spouse read and approve it before it is sent.

Heather, you might want to print out the NC letter so your H can read it tonight after you tell him about the A. I think it will show some integrity on your part.

You didn't answer my question from earlier:
Are you willing to start NC this minute? No matter what?

OK I am going to write the letter then right now. Do I send that to the OM right now? or wait for my husband?
So I just leave things as they are with om right? no goodbyes just wham don't contact me again? thank you!

Many people here have felt your pain. My H had an A with my own sister.


Ages? Do they know about their dad's affairs?

Heather,

You said something a page back that I would like to discuss with you. You said First, thing you need to do is be honest here. The OM is special to you or you would not have written to him so much. I doubt that you are the kind of woman that just goes out and has sex with just anyone. In fact, based on what you have said, I KNOW you are not that kind of woman.

So why did you do it? It was because OM was special. And you are special to him as well. Why? Well others have offered their opinion, me I'll just keep my opinion about that to myself, it doesn't matter.

BUT, here is the thing. Your H will need to learn to trust you and if you tell him that OM is not special (a lie I'm thinking) he will not believe it. To your H you are not the type of woman that sleeps around. So, you must be a woman that has found another man very attractive both physically and emotionally. If your H had not had affair, perhaps your boundaries would have been stronger.

But Heather, realize you did this because...you wanted to. You realize what it could cost you and you value your H more, or at least for now you do.

Be honest with yourself and then be honest with him. You were with the OM because you wanted to. You are ending the affair because... you want to. You want your marriage because you love your H.

Start with those thoughts. Your H is not in a strong negotiating position which on the face of it might be to your advantage, but in reality might make recovery harder.

Start with honesty Heather, start with honesty toward yourself and you will find it easier to be honest with your H. You survived your H's affairs although not in the way we here would like to see your marriage recovered. Your H can survive your affair, but hopefully with more success. He may chose to leave, but if he choses to stay he will need help.

I strongly recommend a good pro-marriage counselor and the Harleys are good...very good.

Hang in there, there will be tough times, you know this from your H's affairs, but you and he can get through this and YOU TWO CAN HAVE A GREAT MARRIAGE (remember this!) You TWO CAN HAVE A GREAT MARRIAGE. It will take time and patience and a conscience effort on both of your parts to put each other first.

I'll stop now.

God Bless,

JL

Wait for your husband. Get his approval. This NC letter is for his benefit as well as for yours. He may want you to reword things.

we have a 14 and 15 year old. Yes, they do and it killed them because what it did to me. I was such a GOOD wife to him. I overlooked the first one cause we were SO young and he had only been with one other woman besides me.
When he had the A with my best friend it KILLED me to the core and I could not function for 6 months. it was then that we were separated and honestly so many men wanted to date me it was absurd. He said he knew what he was giving up and wanted -wants me now more than ever. I feel like he should have felt that way A LONG time ago! it took others wanting me for him to want me so badly. now I have to deal with the fact he wwas with my best friend for a YEAR!!!!! Kills me!

What's so wonderful about MB is that Dr. Harley and his staff have helped thousands of couples recover from infidelity rather than just sweep the underlying problems back under the rug.

MB offers books, articles, a radio program, an online course and phone counseling to help marriages recover from affairs. It's Dr. Harley's mission in life, and he and his staff are successful.

You and your husband obviously didn't turn your marriage around after his affairs. But all of that can change.

You've come to the right place.

First, thing you need to do is be honest here. The OM is special to you or you would not have written to him so much. I doubt that you are the kind of woman that just goes out and has sex with just anyone. In fact, based on what you have said, I KNOW you are not that kind of woman.

NO I AM NOT.. you are right. I have NEVER done anything like this ever. I have had sex with 3 men in my life.
that is why I am IN SHOCK that I have done here! I have been clear with the OM that I am not one to sleep around and that is why we just talked for months and months. He NEVER ONCE tried to talk me into having sex with him all those months. NEVER. we really were just friends till I let him get to me! I AM THE ONE that went to his house and planned the whole sexual situation to happen. Even that night he told me no, and we need to think about it. I told him I had and I was ready to do this
He kept asking me If I was sure. How nuts is that? he is a young Man with his whole life telling ME! now that I write that I want to throw up.


So why did you do it? It was because OM was special. And you are special to him as well. Why? Well others have offered their opinion, me I'll just keep my opinion about that to myself, it doesn't matter.


Why did I do it? I did it cause I got obsessed with him . I let him in my normal boring world and he gave me a thrill.
I see all these women that want him and write to him. throw themselves at him and he wants me. He gives me a feeling I have never had before, and I cant explain it.
As I was having sex with him it hit me that I am doing something a thousand women would LOVE and all I could think about is this is what my husband did with my best friend while I was at work too and I grew so angry!
I do like him. I like the attention. I like the feeling of being wanted.
I know he has feelings for me without a doubt. He just left me a voice message and was crying. He told me that he has fallen in love with me and I feel it too. He is in practice and called me. that is HUGE. I never thought he would say I LOVE YOU. UGH. Why did he do this?

I will wait for my husband to get home before I do anything else.