If you were to have a PI follow him when he's not around you I think you'd find that you are very much mistaken.

How are you "trying" to change that? The only thing you've done is not call him. That doesn't mean a thing.

You want to change this? Go home and tell your husband the truth. Then you BOTH call the bb player and you tell him you will never see him again.

That'll get you started.

Heather, I don't think anyone much cares whether you are stupid or not. Some of my best friends are stupid.

I think what people want to do is to help you.

There are people here who have been exactly where you are. Your situation is not different than theirs. If you will accept that and listen to and follow the advice you are given, you can get out of this.

But the affair is like an alien infesting your brain. It wants to do anything it can to survive. It will tell you lies. You will have to learn not to listen to these lies, or it will succeed in keeping you as its "host."

There are folks here who have seen all of those lies before and can help you do the right thing and overcome them.

maritalbliss

that is what I mean right there.. you talk to me as If I am a moron again.

I'll do this on my own. Don't need people to treat me like I am less than Human.

Thanks for those who tried to help.

Heather, I suggest you not try to prove anything to us. We are just a bunch of complete strangers and you have nothing to prove to us. Trying to prove something is just one of the things the affair will try to get you to do so you are TALKING and not LISTENING.

The alien knows it is vulnerable to what you are hearing, and it doesn't want to die.

Think for a minute about what you've done. You put out for a man who isn't your husband. That's far worse than being stupid or a moron. Let's handle that problem and dig you out of that hole instead of trying to prove that you are all right. Obviously something is wrong or you wouldn't be in this hole, right?

Do you want out? Or do you want to be right?

Do you want to be happy again? Or do you want to prove how smart you are to strangers?

I am not talking to you like you are a moron, and I am very offended that you would suggest such a thing.

I am stating the obvious to you, as I have to hundreds of other waywards who have come here, so completely enveloped in affair-fog that they are unable to see past their own needs and wants.

Good luck.

Heather, that is not nice. You don't know what maritalbliss is thinking. She didn't call you a moron and I certainly don't think she thinks you are a moron.

The parasite that it is in you that doesn't want to die is wanting to prevent you from noticing what maritalbliss really said. She didn't call you a moron. She said:


This is exactly the right prescription for this disease. You get out of this by DOING, not by TALKING. She's pointing out that you need to do something.

The alien wants you to think you've done something, and sit back, and rest easy now, while it settles back in and makes you miserable.


There's the map. That's good help. That's what you need to do. But the alien persuaded you to be defensive and get mad at maritalbliss instead of listening to this, to try to keep you from doing it.

This is the therapy you need. You don't need to straighten maritalbliss or anybody else out. You need to straighten yourself out. Shine the light on this demon of darkness and kill it. Fixate on this problem instead of on the people trying to help you.

Heather,
Maritalbliss isn't talking to you like you are a moron. You are pretty defensive about this OM's intent. When really it doesn't matter. He could be the one exception to the professional athlete's general reputation.....except that he isn't an exception because we know at the minimum he is having sex with YOU--another's man wife.

I hope you will stay and take the advice given. Step one---confess to your husband. Step two write a no contact letter to your affair partner. Let your husband read it. Let your husband mail it.

No one is treating you like a moron.

Every single wayward believed that their affair was "different" and that what they experienced with their affair partner was "special" at one time. Every one of us was wrong. You are looking at your affair right now through the rose-colored glasses of a very foggy wayward. Until you realize that what you had with the OM wasn't special or different, you will continue to be wayward. That's all people are pointing out to you. They are not calling you names. They are telling you the truth.

It would be much better for you to realize your affair for what it is before you approach your H and confess. Things will go much better for you if you realize first that your relationship with the OM wasn't special at all. If you approach your H with the attitude that you are displaying here right now, it will only do more damage to your M than has already been done.

If you are serious about this, you need to confess to your H, not in the attitude that you had something "special" and "unique" with the OM, but in a very humble manner, taking full responsibility for your actions and 100% committed to working on your M and healing the damage that has been done. You aren't there yet. Not even close.

After you confess to your H, you need to write a NC letter to the OM. There are examples on how to do this here. The letter needs to be simple and straight-forward, telling the OM that what you did was wrong, that you are committed to working on your M, and that you never want to see him again for the rest of your life.

Then, have your H come here so that he can get the help he needs to get through this.

Are you willing to do any of that?

Heather, please read that carefully.

I'm serious when I am telling you that there people here who have been through exactly what you have been through, and now know exactly how to tell you how to get out of it.

Heather, my wife and I read this in the Bible together this morning and were very inspired:

"This is the verdict: Light has come into the world, but people loved darkness instead of light because their deeds were evil. Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that their deeds will be exposed. But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what they have done has been done in the sight of God."

Why don't you partner up with God and shine the light on this darkness, so you can drive it out of you?

Heather,

I will share a secret with you. Shhhh don't tell. Sometimes I still think my AP really loved me and meant all those things he said.

THEN

I remember the H*$$ I have put my family through and realize that if he had truly loved and admired me that much, he would have done it from afar and let me lead my life.

None of us know this man's situation, despite the stereotypes of pro athletes.

These types of assumptions based on career stereotypes are irrelevant and are frankly distracting.

Who cares who the OM is? Honestly.

Whether he's a garbage collector or the leader of the free world, it doesn't really matter.

I hope you stick around, Heather. For many reasons.

This is a good place to get your head straightened out and help you through the mess you and your husband have created.

Are you planning to tell your husband today?

I AM reading all this! I really am!! Do you not think that I know what I have done???? !!!!!!!!!!!!!I face it everyday!:(
I KNOW I am not special to him and HE is not special to me!
I know that this is something that I have got myself into and I dont know how to crawl out of it other than JUST DOING IT and that is WHAT I am doing!
I am not trying to puff this om up. Hell, he gets on my nerves most the time, and my husband may not be as Young and have a perfect Body like the OM but I love being with him MORE.
But I know and don't need a PI to tell me that he does not do this A LOT.
The OM is CONSTANTLY trying to contact me or have me come to his house. I HAVE been the one backing off more and more because my heart is DYING because of what I am doing.
I am reading about NC right now
I think I am losing it right now. I really do.

DELTA, You are just what I need. Yes, I am planning on telling him today at 4. God Help me.:(

sunnydaze. we are not in-love, and I never thought that.

She's no more naive than any other WW.

That's the point.

Neither the WW nor the OM in this case are any different.

You're not different, Heather. You and this other dirtbag guy have both done the wrong thing.

And I hope this is the first day of you turning that around.

I will be praying for you. You have much courage.

DELTA thank you so much . I am going to turn this around! I am so afraid but I am going to do it!

thank you so much i pray for courage.

That's great. This is step one of doing the right thing by being Open & Honest.

When you tell your husband the truth, answer all of his questions completely. Don't hide things to "spare" him. He deserves to know the full truth of his life.

Think about how you will discuss things WITHOUT bringing up his past affairs (it will come across as tit for tat - excuses), justifications, finger pointing, etc.

Be prepared to take the full blame. Because you are fully to blame for your actions.

Please come back and tell us how it went.