Mrs W, was your husband ALWAYS the most fun person you know?? Or did you have similar feelings at the beginning of recovery? As you have probably read in his post, this is an area that we have always struggled in as he doesn't enjoy what I like and vice versa...so its not that I am out trying to "do" anything when he's not with, its just that I have had more fun with others. Feel free to expound on this. And I think its important to say...I am not backing down from the program at all, it was just a little bump in the road that we encountered this week.

Very good gloveoil...that was great. Appreciate your directness and I am not trying to be "selfish", I just want you all to address the concerns that come up so that instead of "hoarding" them inside my head, I can get feedback and continue to move in the right direction. Your scenarios were perfect. Thanks!

Mrs. W is out but I thought I'd give you a quick answer.

Yes and no.

I WAS fun but for a period of time in 2005 she didn't think I was "fun" at that time AND she didn't really recall me being all that much fun prior to 2005.

Part of the whole "fog" thing is this little filter in your brain that blocks out, rewrites or just hides good memories of your husband while at the same time highlights, emphasizes and sometimes just makes up bad memories of your husband. It's a cycle whereupon your brain is trying to make sense of and validate your "feelings". Your "feelings" are telling you that your husband isn't right for you and you never got alone, never had "fun", never....so your "processor" is desperately trying to bring your thoughts in line with your feelings.

I know it FEELS real but feelings aren't fact. When you begin to go down that road imagine a STOP SIGN in your head and TRY to just STOP and remind yourself that feelings aren't real and that you're determined for at least a year to follow this MB program and undertake a series of prescribed actions which will hopefully result in a change of feelings.

I don't know if you saw this questionnaire out on the main website: RECREATIONAL ENJOYMENT INVENTORY It may be a starting point of finding a few new activities you BOTH enjoy. But I warn you....your feelings NOW (both of you) are likely going to look at the questionnaire and FEEL negative about it. Things look and feel pretty bleak and perhaps overwhelming right now for both of you so I'd anticipate a lot of negative numbers being circled on the form. Don't panic. Try to just find ONE activity you can pursue TOGETHER this week and go from there. Later on...come back to the form when you two are feeling a little better about the program and each other.

Last thing...It's likely BOTH you and your husband were undertaking independent behavior and these changes MB is prescribing are required of BOTH of you. Your husband is in the same CHANGE boat. You guys are teammates and need to work together to adopt a plan (How to Create Your Own Plan to Restore Love in Your Marriage) He likely has independent activities he'll need to "give up" to a large extent. But this IS NOT to say you'll never go to a concert again in your life or that he doesn't get to play golf ever again. It's possible your spouse won't POJA it with you later on but it's possible that will again ... ya know, when you two are head over heels in love again and dying to see the other happy certain limited independent behaviors MAY be POJA'able. MB is NOT a punishment system...it's just the framework of what the most in-love couples in the world have been doing naturally for years. Who knew?

Mr. Wondering

EXCELLENT, EXCELLENT, EXCELLENT POSTS!!!!

Try to eliminate absolutes.

In reality, nobody always or never anything.

Again; nobody always or never anything.

You can eliminate this "always" in a very simple manner; if you "always" had trouble having a good time together, how did you ever fall in love enough to decide to marry in the first place?

The funny thing, if you think about it, is that all MB really does, is say "Treat each other like you did when you were dating and you fell in love."

When you were first dating, you blew off friends and other commitments to get more time with your spouse because that time together felt great; you spent that time meeting each others' emotional needs, and it caused you to want to spend more time together.

Trust and complacency, "unconditional love," these are the things that made your love and sense of excitement fade. Not fate, not an act of God, not destiny. Just blissful ignorance that lead to misery.

So...I haven't posted on here for awhile but decided to throw some things out there. It has been 7 weeks since NC and my H and I have been doing weekly counseling sessions with Steve since then. However, I still struggle with thoughts of the OM. As my husband and I got into a discussion last night, it was the affection part that made me so attracted to the OM. I never have been affectionate with my husband or wanted him to be affectionate with me and so when that was accomplished in the affair, I was drawn to that. As my H and I have also noted, we don't feel as if there was ever a time in our M when mutual romantic love was felt and I am just having doubts about all of it once again. I still have no desire for any sex with my H so am still struggling and am still questioning how we can get it all if we never had it even when times were supposedly good!!

First, realize that what you see as affection and what your husband sees as affection may be different things.

Each of you should write a list of things for the other of gestures and/or comments that feel affectionate to you. Put down as many things as you possibly can. That way, as they are integrated there can be some feeling of spontaneity.


Also; not interested in your view of your marital history, nor your husband's people-pleasing way of complying to your foggy rewriting of your marital history. If you are still thinking of the OM, your view of your marital history is tainted and broken. Smoke and mirrors. Dog and pony show. David Blaine.

strugglingaz, welcome back. It sounds like it's been a rough few weeks. I think I know at least partly why.

Here is what I read in your post:

"I still pine for the OM and so never really established NC."

That's it. That's the only thing that matters. The whole rest of your post is fogbabble. Of course you're going to say you never felt "mutual romantic love" for your BH. Of course you're going to say you're having doubts. Of course you're going to say you don't desire your H.

YOU ARE NOT IN "NO CONTACT" YET.

NC is more than just checking the box for physical precautions: no email, no phone calls, etc. NC is closing up and burning the box for mental avenues of contact as well: daydreams, memories, what-if's, the whole shebang. You should not be thinking about the OM at all, and if you are, it should only be in the terms of a scum-sucking sorry excuse for a human being who isn't worth his weight in $&*^. Because that's what you are when you mess around with a married woman.

You have GOT to get the NC thing taken care of. The rest will never happen as long as you are willfully entertaining delightful little thoughts of the OM.

I'll add something practical, (though see the previous note re: NC). You mentioned affection. You and your BH have done the ENQs, right? How did your talk about affection go? Do you know ways in which you would like to receive affection from him? How about ways he would like to receive it from you?

Please, please address the NC issue. You and your BH are all set to head down the road to an amazing marriage, but your failure to guarantee absolute NC is an impassable roadblock.

First of all, your history re-write is quite funny. In time you will see this.


This infuriates me. STOP ALL ONE-WAY CONTACT. If there has been no two-way C, this is what is making you think of OM.

That and your own entitlement/selfishness. Sorry if that stings but this is crazy and you are lucky your H hasn't kicked you to the curb yet. If my H had said this to me even ONCE I would have filed for D.

You are ALLOWING yourself to think of OM. You have NO ONE to blame but yourself and you are making yourself look like a fool by coming here and whining about it. Good grief, it's common sense that you just STOP thinking about him.

Quit the pity party and do what you must to get thoughts of this POS, homewrecking OM out of your head. You are sounding like a big baby with all your talk about pining for him.

Honestly...you have no one to blame but yourself and you are here asking for sympathy??? This is insane. Please stop embarrassing yourself this way and just KNOCK IT OFF.

It's simple. Stop thinking about him.

Hi strugglin~

Glad to see you back here.

I'm gonna take a different tact with you and see if it will help shift your thinking...


My answer to that -- So?

If you were to tell me that you loved OM with all of your little heart and soul, guess what my answer to that would be?

So?

My point is, you already made your choice the day you married your husband. You don't get to choose again.

You have two little ones who count on that being true. Every single ounce of their security and well being rests upon you sticking to the choice you made and doing everything to make your marriage the BEST it can be.

And yes, I agree with the others that you are rewriting history, but okay, I'll go down the "no I'm not" road with you... It doesn't matter. That changes NOTHING. Your made your choice, now go about blooming where you planted yourself.

You've identified affection as one of your top needs. Okay Great! Your husband is capable of meeting that need, and he is capable of meeting it in the way that you like it met -- tell him how. If you allow him to meet your needs you WILL fall madly in love with him. REALLY.

I hear you that you guys are spending time in coaching with Steve -- Are you doing your assignments? How many hours per week are the two of you spending together meeting the 4 intimate emotional needs? Those needs are as follows: Intimate Conversation, Recreational Companionship, Affection and Sexual Fulfillment. Hint: You need to be spending 25-30 hours a week doing those things to fall in love -- once you have fallen in love you will need to spend 15-20 hours per week doing those things to maintain it. YES...ALL of those needs must be being met in order for romantic love to develop -- And YES, that may mean a bit of "fake it til ya make it" in the beginning. Do it anyway. It works if you work it...

Finally, 7 weeks of NC is but a drop in the bucket -- much of what you are talking about will wane in time, but you do need to actively work on controlling where your thoughts dwell...Remember,the grass is greener where you water it -- Stop watering WEEDS...

For now I'll leave you with this:


I look forward to your reply.

Mrs. W

One more thing, watch this video for me please:



Mrs. W

Good job, Mrs. W. I was too busy seeing red to be able to put it as eloquently as you.

Thank ya much, Ma'am, and I understand.

Mrs. W

strugglin~

Lose the facebook account voluntarily -- Do that as a gesture of good will towards your husband -- Heck, do it also as a gesture of good will towards yourself -- facebook for you is the equivalent of dancing in front of temptation and then expecting yourself not to be tempted -- that's a fool's mission -- your commitment must be to remove yourself from temptation's way.

Will you do this?

Mrs. W

Dang, she's good!

Mrs. V, I'm gonna start carrying you around in my pocket because you are so awesome at meeting my admiration EN!

Mrs. W

Any time, Mrs. W!

While you lovely ladies are tossing bouquets to (at?) each other, let me ask you...........

Does anyone else hear crickets?

I've noticed that strugglin posts more during the day than at night, NG. I have every confidence that she won't leave us hanging...

strugglin~

You know what was very helpful to me in early recovery? Staying around here and offering anything that I could to BHs fighting to bust up affairs. I would get so mad at their WWs and pretty soon I started to realize that those WWs were just like ME -- and that helped to solidify how horrible what I had done really was, and that helped me change.

Being here and helping kept me focused on marriage and doing the right things in my own life. I learned so much. Another benefit for Mr. W and I was posting and talking about situations together -- Sometimes talking about affairs and the destruction they cause in the 3rd person helped us to apply the solutions we came up with for others to our own marriage. I hope you will consider doing that.

Mrs. W