That s a good suggestion. I would love to use the people we are paying now to go between if at all possible as long as I have a vested interest in the business.

Oh, I see. I dont think surviving adultery explained that part. I remember the part that said the guy was to wait up to 18 months in Plan B, but I think the wife came back. In the book, the husband was left with a lot of debt while his WS ran the affair its full course. I think I should get all the documentation ready and maybe set some marker so that if he breaches that point, I proceed with legal action.

Good idea. At the very least have a plan but don't let him hurt you financially.

Do you want to post your Plan B letter and get some feedback? When do you plan on giving it to him? And HOW will you do it?

Also, I would think of any possible way he might find to get through to you when you go dark. Because he will try. You should have a plan to block his emails, phone calls, texts, whatever. If he texts or emails you, I would delete them without reading them. If he has a key to the house, I would get the locks changed. The last thing you want or need is him barging in the house to confront you. That would be a disaster. Almost every BS swears up and down that her WS will not try to break Plan B but almost every single one DOES. [up to and including threatening to take you to court if you don't talk to him!] They do not like losing control so they will TEST you to see if you are serious. If he can get through, he will know he is still in control and is free to go out and conduct the affair a while longer.

I'd be glad to get feedback on my letter. Since WH said OW has medical appointments this week, I was going to wait until he got back to town. I could do it on my birthday, this Saturday or if I need longer our 32nd anniversary is April 7th.If OW isnt recovering from a hysterectomy, I'd like to have someone deliver her letter to her at the Aids Council office, since all her friends have gotten to party with my WH, they may as well be in on this part too. I was going to give WH his letter. Am I supposed to have it delivered? I could have someone deliver it to his office since several of those employees have decided to sroke him along to gain their own advantage. I would wait until my DD's day off though. She has suffered enough

I just had all the locks rekeyed. I'll have to call that poor guy out again. (I gave WH a key) My WH doesnt confront. That is one of his hot buttons (evasiveness) He cant have a heart to heart. He just pushes it down and buries it. I do think he will feel he should have access to this house though. I am tempted to pack up some stuff he will need. Like the tax transfer information he will need for payroll so he wont have to come get it.

I vote for next Saturday, because it is before your anniversary. Let him spend your anniversary without you. I think it would be symbolic for you to be in Plan B on your anniversary because it says you will not accept your marriage in this crippled state.


Good, I like this. I would add a line that goes something like this: "there is no future with my husband because you will be eternally hated by our children and my H's family. You will never be accepted."

4

I would either mail it or drop it off at the front desk. You don't want to deliver it personally because there should be no discussion once you hand over the letter.

You can let him know that you will be glad to box up anything he needs and leave it in the driveway for him. That will give him a nice taste of what divorce feels like.

Oh, ok. Well should I type my letter in this box for you to see. What if she does have the surgery and is in recovery mode? Should I make allowances for that and wait until she's back on her feet?

I think that would be a great time to send her the letter AND expose to her family and friends. She will be off recovering from her surgery and will be available to answer any questions.

Here it is: For six months I have waited for you to realize that forgiveness waits for you here with me. The complete trust I had in you...the confidence I had in the commitment you had for Christ prevented me from discovering the secret life you were forming for yourself.

My wrongs are ones of omission such as not trying harder to draw out your emotions for us. I appreciate that you have acknowledged to me and others that I did no wrong to you. I am gratified that you realize that I have dedicated my life to your well being and support...to be a blessing to you. I have guarded your name and honor as precious to you and myself.

Through the counsel I am receiving,I am convinced that for my well being it is best for you no to come back home unti you have permanently ended your adulterous affair with Karla.
Additionally, I have been advised that no contact with you is the most beneficial course for myphysical, spiritual and emotional well being and I agree. I will do payroll and bookkeeping without contact with you. Jamie can call me when deposits a, payroll or any other business item needs attention. Cathy and Cary pardue have agreed to deliver any information that is personal between us. I think that will be very minimal.

I have heard you repeatedly affirm that you want to preserve our marriage and that you still love me on some level.
With Christ's help I am making a stand against the consequences your actions are having on me and our children.

You and I have a bond for a reason... You chose someone loyal and true, that fights and stands for what is right and I am standing for us. I will continue to trust and obey God and leave the consequences up to Him. I will continue to comfort our children, family and friends as they grieve the loss of you and the special person you were. We can be happier than you have ever been when we take what God has blessed us with and trust Him to help us work out the rest. As much as I would like to see the relationship healed and restored I realize that can't happen until you share that same goal.

Debbie, that is a great letter but I would change this up to suit your audience. It should be a LOVE LETTER that is attractive, not repellant. Remove most of the references to God because he is in a fallen state right now and will not hear that. He is cut off from God so this comes across as lecturing him. [I say this as a Christian]

Do you have the book Surviving an Affair there? I would use the letter in that book and fashion it with your information.


Strike this paragraph entirely. He needs to know that it is not up to him anymore and that you may well file for divorce because he has broken your vows. But you don't want to give him the impression that you are afraid of divorce. I would not even mention divorce or the fact that he has broken your vows.

I would state very clearly that you will only consider reconcilation under certain conditions: he end his affair and commit to recovery of the marriage.

My Dear Sue,
I apologize to you for my part in creating an environment that helped make your affair with Greg possible. I foolishly pursued my career without understanding my responsibility to meet your most important emotional needs. I was not there for you when you needed me most, and we are now both suffering for my mistake.

I am willing to avoid the mistakes I've made in the past and create a new life for both of us that meet your needs. But I cannot do that until you end your relationship with Greg once and for all.

Until then, I will avoid seeing you or talking to you. I will also not be able to help you financially. Our friends Jane and Paul have agreed to help make arrangements for you to visit the children whenever you would like. But I will not be here when you visit. If you want to communicate about the children or any other matter, it will have to be through Jane and Paul.

I ask you to respect my decision to separate from you this way. You must know about the suffering I have endured because of your relationship with Greg, and I simply cannot be with you any longer, knowing that you are with him. I still love you but I cannot see you under these conditions.

As soon as you are willing to permanently separate from Greg and are willing to follow the measures that were suggested to ensure total separation, I will be willing to discuss our future together.

I want us to be able to rebuild our marriage someday. I want us to be able to meet each other's emotional needs and to avoid doing anything to hurt each other. We need to build a new lifestyle in which everything we do makes us both happy. Then there will never again be a reason for us to separate. I want to be your best friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me. And I want you as my best friend.

I loved you when we married and I continue to love you right up to this day. I just cannot be with you or help you as long as you are seeing Greg.

With my love,
Jon

The reason I put the part in there about him not wanting a divorce is to give OW the thought that WH is not being up front with her either. He has expressed both those items to me but I would bet that he has not told her that. I would like her to be an offside observer to the fact that he doesnt want to end his marriage

I took the divorce part out and the part about the evil influences in his life. I still would like her to see that he admits to feelings for me and that he really doesnt want to end the marriage, so I reworded that part.

ahhhhhhhhh, I gotcha! I like that very much!

Men don't take cruises with women and not have sex with them.

Well his vehicle is still parked at the New Orleans port so I m thinking WH and OW are on a cruise. That means OW critical cancer appointment was bogus. So now I dont feel so bad about starting Plan B and exposing to the four winds. My intermediary couple is praying about whether they can take on the task. Thank you for your support. I havent posed the question of continuing the bookkeeping to Dr. Harley but maybe the way we have worked it out will be okay

As long as you are open to changing this sitch, if you find that there is even a tiny hole in your Plan B, then I say go for it.

That is a good suggestion. Maybe I should develop a contingency plan in case the orginal one does have holes in it. Or I guess I could prepare myself to put the computer in the drive way and tell someone at the office to pick it up and good luck with the bookwork and payroll. I really dont want to lose access to the assets though in case things start getting moved around.

I am starting to believe you on that. As a woman I know I was willing to forgo that part of our relationship while I believed WH was unable to perform although it made me pretty sad. But I'm starting to catch the drift that men's minds run in different circles. If he still had feelings for me he would have found a way to gratify himself and care for me too. I hope we still have a chance. How do I find a thread that gives moral support. I dont want to barge in on someone's quest for help