It really is such a horrible truth to face. Which is why we don't really want to listen to it.

He stormed out of his parents, he told them this was coming for a long time. His mother called him on it (what do you know, I actually like my MIL now LOL). So he didn't want to hear any of what they were saying & left.

He did come by here as he had forgotten to drop off the youngest boys medicine. He seemed depressed & was asking what I was planning on doing for our daughters birthday. I just said I'd let him know.

Exactly what my WW told everybody too! Been coming for a long time....

Here's a great thread called "Inside the wayward mind" :

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2029218

Read it. Learn it. Live by it.

It helped me TONS!

Uh-huh. That's what they all say.

Great thread - thank you!

I have gotten the names of a few people to send a letter to. Could not find any HR info but have the managing director & VP. Figure that should be a good start.

H was here tonight. He says he wants a divorce, he is sick of trying for the past few years (news to me but was prepared for this due to wayward spouse mindset thread). He is not at any fault at all (HAH!), so all the blame is on me. I told him that I do not want a divorce, so if he wants one he can get a lawyer & file himself.

I really don't know what to do. I am going to just let him do whatever while I just get on with my life. Do the 180, improve my life. At this point is there no saving the marriage regardless of what I do?

\
It sounds promising to me! I would stick to the plan here and not let anything he says bother you. Your H is the equivalent of a falling down drunk right now; he is high on his affair. So keep that in mind when he says stuff. It means nothing. He is confused and does not know what he wants. As his affair dies off, his feelings will change.

And don't do the 180. That is an ineffective program. Rather, use Plan A. Do you have the book Surviving an Affair?

By the time his feeling change I won't want him anymore! It is very disheartening to see how selfish he is.

Have ordered the book. Am going to print plan A out & keep it with me.

Get that work letter out asap. Don't try to get anyone to 'talk sense' into him. You can't 'talk sense' into a wayward. Their head is full of fog.

The beauty of plan A.....makes you YOUR best self!
You can show your best self during a very difficult time and it is good for YOU.

Then, should you go to plan B......you really get to work through your grief and rebuild yourself and grow in self respect to whatever happens (marriage recovery with a spouse who is up to rebuilding or life without him AND you can clearly think about whether to want him any more or not)

Brilliant. Just brilliant. (not easy....nope) but better than other ways to go.

I know exactly how you feel right now. I am dealing with my own self doubts about whether I want her back or not... But the majority of the time it is YES. I didn't want this at all. She stepped out, not me. But it is up to me to fight for our marriage. Take a firm stand and be the strong one when your spouse is at their weakest (right now). Here's a great list of do's and don'ts while you are in PLAN A :

Do's
1. Act Happy
2. Get a life (new activities, etc.)
3. repeat over and over..."I will make it"
4. Actively LISTEN....keep conversations at "to the point...small talk" ...don't blow it up beyond the waywards current comfort zone
5. Tend to Agree (Thank you for your truthfulness, It seems that way, you have a point)
6. Expand your social relationships (Being especially aware of your own vulnerability and keeping sharing and time with opposite sex relationships to an absolute minimum)
7. Get sexy (gym, new clothes, etc)
8. Focus on your strengths and Positives...don't put yourself down verbally or constantly go over what you did wrong
9. Accept Uncertainty (Do your best today and let God take care of tommorrow)

DON'Ts

1. Repeatedly say "I love you"
2. Ask questions that don't have answers yet
3. Criticize, complain, whine or nag
4. Say, "I've changed"....allow the wayward spouse to simply judge your actions
5. Argue, Reason or Plead
6. Don't get family or friends overly involved in recovery (notice I said "in recovery", EXPOSURE to bust up an active affair IS ESSENTIAL and EXPOSURE to the OP's spouse is an absolute MUST)
7. Act helpless or depressed
8. Discuss morality, invoke God or Dr. Laura type babble
9. Suggest marital counseling (must be the waywards idea)
10. Tell them continually "we need to work on the relationship"
11. GIVE UP

I thank my lucky stars I found this place! If I had not, I probably would have listened to all the FOGBABBLE and believed every word of it....and been gone!

If you love your husband and son as much as I love my wife and 3 daughters... you need to fight for it. And it won't be easy. It won't be quick, and there is no guarantee it will even work.

But you cannot give up the fight until you have exhausted all the advice and planning you are receiving here. You are not alone. Others have been through what you're going through and worse... There are happy endings to these nightmares. Not always, but many!

Keep your chin up honey! We're all here for you!

That's the list I printed out! I do like #3 on the Do's.

We actually have 3 children, aged 9, 8 & 4. The oldest 2 know as he took them to the zoo one day and they met up with her 7 her 2 children. H says it was totally innocent as affair was over by then (like I believe that!). I flipped. He is pissed kids know he has cheated, I said what did you expect after you exposed them to it already.

Just had a call from OWs husband. She is talking about moving out (probably going to haul her skanky [censored] to my Hs apartment. She is still denying an affair, says the valentines card was a joke, and they are "just friends".

OWs H is steaming mad so suspect he may also contact the company to expose this. Won't that be fun. PLus she would leave behind her 2 kids (aged 1 & 4) speaks volumes about the person she is. WTF was my dumb H thinking?? PLus she is a type A control freak who he couldn't stand as she second guessed & undercut him every chance she got. He is really gonna get his with her, that's for sure.

H called last night to speak to kids, asked for me, was incredibly nice (whats up? How are you etc etc - i was brief with my replies). Told me he had gotten a bonus & would split it with me 50/50. Wants to meet over the weekend to "hammer out details". I know he is freaking out as he knows I will find out POSOW is leaving her family. He sent me this email late last night. This is a reply to one I had sent him weeks ago. I know he is feeling guilty as hell & he wants the easy out (uncontested divorce) to get him out of that jam. I have no intention of letting him off the hook that easily, especially to shack up with POSOW. If he wants to do that he can live with the guilt & shame & not having his kids over.

I'm really am not throwing anything back in face intentionally. Honestly I'm not. Already,repeatedly, said its my fault for not having it out when things got to me. I have never badmouthed you, ever. I really,truly want to us to be ..... Friends at the end of this. You are a incredible woman.! You are. This has happened and I don't won't kids to suffer anymore. It is going to be a long rough road, but for kids sake please let's make this clean. You think I talked bad about you when never I did. Still don't. This is what I want. I'm for once telling you what I want.

This is precisely what my wife told me. This hasn't been said once I broke up the affair. I had to go to extreme measures to completely annihilate the OM, but I am certain he is gone now.

After he was eliminated, my wife has slowly started to come to her senses. Sure signs of this is her withdrawal from her "normal" routine of going out, texting friends constantly, Facebook, etc... She has been very quiet the past 10 or so days since the exposure and eradicating of the OM.

Don't expect anything until you have gotten rid of OW! She has to go!! Your WH is fueled by that fire. As long as it's burning, he has no problem ditching you for the OW. Only when she is GONE will you have any chance.

What have you done so far? Ramp it up! Don't count on OWH to do anything. You do it. NOW.

I have been second guessing my self the whole time too. This is normal. You think clearly, WH does not. Your kids are counting on you to be the strong one here.... Time goes by so slowly for me, and I understand it does for you too... But only time (and getting rid of OW) will help... Your WH needs to get over OW and as long as she's in the picture, he won't.

Stay strong! I'm rooting for you!

Letters to 3 company bosses typed up & being mailed today.

This is what I want to send back to him - thoughts?


You want out because you had a relationship with Diana. You want out because you are still having a relationship with her or you plan to have one.

Thats why you want out - because you feel guilty & ashamed over what you are doing. You know it deep down, even though you get angry at me for saying it, you know I am right.

How could you throw away your family for the person who second guessed you & undercut you every chance she got? Remember that?? You will never trust her, ever. Your relationship is built on lies & sneaking around.

You know the kids are suffering and it is all your fault. They will continue to suffer no matter what happens with us. They have to live in 2 places. They have to divide their holidays. They now know that there is no security in life, and you really can�t trust anybody. They have already had to deal with their little brother being so ill. Remember when we had to bring them to the hospital to say goodbye to him because we were told he wasn�t going to come back from the OR?? That was too much for our children to have to go through.

And now because you are being selfish & stubborn, you will put them through this as well. I really cannot believe you. I hope Diana is worth it to you because you will never forgive yourself for for doing this to your children.

I would not send him this letter.

You are trying to educate a person who is not there. The FOG is powerful. Very powerful. My wife didn't listen to ANYTHING that I said to her. Because I was using REASON. She couldn't listen to reason.... that's how she got to where she was... not listening to her inner moral compass.

Your husband already KNOWS what you are trying to say to him.

You need to show him with ACTIONS. Get rid of the OW, and then PROVE that she's gone! As harsh as this sounds, they cannot work together anymore. If that means him being fired or her being fired or one of them quits, that's the only scenario. Work your tail off on that. Focus your anger and aggression on getting rid of the OW at all costs. Your marriage is paying the price right now. Take it back!

Your husband will think clearer once he's not constantly thinking of HER.

Send those letters, or better yet drive there and hand deliver them to each person as you introduce yourself as your husband's wife.

You know what he is doing right? He is trying to butter you up for an amicable divorce so he can replace you with the OW. When he comes over to discuss divorce this should be your stance:

1. I will not cooperate with any quickie, friendly divorce. If you file, I will countersue on grounds of adultery and have the OW hauled into court to give testimony under oath about her adultery. All of your emails and text messages will be subponaed under discovery.

2. I will fight for primary custody of the children, possession of the house and will make sure that the children are never exposed to your adultery partner.

3. I will never be your "friend" if you follow through on this. Friends don't treat friends as you have me.

Be as pleasant as possible when you say this. Just make sure he understands you will not cooperate in any divorce, no matter how much it costs. He will try to convince you this is the easiest way and that it will spare money "for the children." Tell him it would be better "for the children" for there to be no divorce and that you will only cooperate with a plan of recovery.

Don't lovebust and don't fight when you say any of this, ok? But make it very clear that your children are to NEVER be around his affair partner. They should not be taught that adultery is acceptable. [say this!] He will use the kids to try and normalize his affair by taking them around that skank.

For the next 3 weeks, play it cool and focus very hard on doing the best Plan A possible. If he moves in with the OW, you will want to go into Plan B about 3 weeks after he moves in. That is when the novelty starts wearing off and the horror sets in.

Actually, if the OW does move out and they move in, the affair will die faster. Keep exposing the affair and stay in touch with the OWH!!

Harleyduck is right, do not send that letter. That will hurt your plan. Right now it is important that you strive to be as attractive as possible and DO NOT LOVEBUST HIM. If you lovebust him, you make the OW look good. Do you want to do that? Because she is not lovebusting him.

I know it is galling, but right now you have to focus very hard on doing the best Plan A possible for about 3 weeks. You must be STRATEGIC rather than reactive, ob. STRATEGIC. I am going to help you with a strategy that will give you the best chance. So put your well articulated letter away!!

I agree. If you respond at all keep it short.

My suggestion:

Quote him: "This is what I want. I'm for once telling you what I want."

Nope...not the first time. On our wedding day you very specifically told me what you wanted....me. You do8n't get the right to choose again.

Further, OW didn't just "happen". She is a conscious horrible CHOICE you're making and not some pot ho' that you just accidentally stumbled into and can't get out. Such choice is destroying the lives of those you truly love and can truly love you back.

Mr. W

obrivey, TODAY you must start your program of attraction. That means in every communication with your husband, you are pleasant and friendly and ATTRACTIVE. [with the exception of being sweetly FIRM about not cooperating with the divorce and not allowing your children around skanky]

How is your appearance? What does your home look like? Do you look attractive? Is your home a nice, inviting, pleasant place to be? What things bothered him about any of that?

It will be real important over the next weeks to leave the best taste possible in his mouth when you go into Plan B. We want the last thing he remembers to be very pleasant, because once you go into plan B, his affair will go into a free fall and they will start lovebusting each other. When that happens, we want him to start thinking about you and his nice, inviting home.

See where I am going with this?