I was informed just yesterday (in an anonymous email from a co-worker of the 'other woman') that 3 years ago my husband had a year-long affair with a woman who he still keeps in contact with (and attends out-of-town conventions with, and has tried to get me to befriend, etc.). The other woman, who has since divorced her husband and is engaged to another man now, is telling people that they were in love and my husband promised to divorce me and marry her, but never followed through, causing her to feel hurt and resentful. My husband insists that while she confessed her love for him, he never reciprocated or said he would leave me. CAN I BELIEVE THIS???

Upon further questioning, he also admitted to a less lengthy liason with a past co-worker.

The worst part of it, and the part I'm mainly looking for advice on is this: my husband said, when asked, that he may do it again in the future. I don't understand how he can have that little commitment even when he says he wants us to stay together. To worsen matters, he has only female friends, most of whom he spends a lot of tiem with at work and who he texts constantly with when he is home. He is also frequently pursued and 'hit on' by co-workers and random women who he comes into contact with. His boss has actually had to forbid women from even speaking with him because it was too distracting.

How can we make this work? What do I do?

You want to polygraph him.

Judging from what he says about the co-worker, it sounds as if you need to employ extraordinary precautions.

Can you give us some data on your marriage and family details!

No. Nor should you. He's clearly still trying to get away with telling some of the truth, but not all of it. Whether he's doing this out of a misguided effort to "protect your feelings" or purely to cover his butt, it's called "trickle-truth" and it's not helpful to your odds of fixing your marriage.


Lots of red flags here, PurpleAlligator.

To make this work, your husband is going to have to:
(1) Give a damn. (His comment to the effect that he 'may do this again' suggests he doesn't);
(2) Cease all contact with the women with whom he has had physical and/or emotional affairs, unequivocally and permanently. (Read about "No Contact" on this site.) This is non-negotiable in order for your marriage to survive & recover; and
(3) Reset his personal boundaries to completely exclude non-business-related conversation with, flirting with, texting with, and maintaining friendships with other women. This behavior of his is not normal for a married person, and it is not conducive to survival of any marriage. He is basically allowing all sorts of other women to meet various emotional needs of his (from admiration to attention to conversation to companionship to sex), and as long as that continues, you can't compete no matter how great you are.

Get the book "Surviving An Affair." It may at least help you make sense of what's happened & where you might go from here. If your husband gets to the point of giving a damn, then he should want to read it with you, because he can learn a lot from it.

purplealligator,

I see what the other posters see as well, GloveOil has given you some advice to ponder, educate yourself before you react anymore.......
You have some snooping to do and then some thinking to do.........doesn't have to be today......get the facts first and then go from there........Look up affair fog babble............see if any of it fits.........
I think your husband isnt' acting like a good husband with good boundaries........
You probably only know part of the story...........
good luck and welcome aboard.....

You guys are basically echoing what I can't help but think.

Details on our family: We've been married for 9 years (since I was 17 and he was 22), and prior to the affair, we had only slept with each other (which makes it much more difficult).

We have three children who are now 7, 6, and 4 (and were about 4, 3 and 1 at the time of the affairs).

Something I forgot to mention earlier: He told me in our discussion of where to go now, that if tomorrow was supposed to be our wedding day, he probably could not go through with it.

I don't want to unjustly pick on him, though. He is extremely giving and caring. Is a perfect father. Helps people change their lives for the better for a living. And he has probably put more overall effort into the marriage than I have over the years.

I'd listen to him and believe him. He's telling you that he's not going to change his spots... is that something you can live with?


I'm so sorry that you had to find us.

I'd also like to add that the plans here WILL help you, possibly with marital recovery, and most definitely with personal recovery. Please read the articles here.

I certainly can't live with the expectation that any minute he's away from me, there's a potential affair in the works.

If he changes his tune and says he's committed to never letting this happen again no matter what the circumstances, could I have any real hope that it would work out that way?

He would have to be totally transparent to you, you would have all access to all his communication devices and a GPS would let you know where he is at all times....
You would have all passwords to his comp, phone........it's the only way it would work.........
If he says no he might be hiding something.........

Thanks for the suggestion, jessitaylor. Currently, he has all my passwords, access to my phone, etc., but I have none of these things. He deletes his texts frequently. I don't even think he brings his work cell home. And part of his job is to make in-home visits with his clients, so there is little I can do to know what he's doing during the day.

Okay, I just sent an email to the OW. I very calmly, patiently, respectfully, told her I felt she had been disrespectful by continuing comunication with him and befriending me after the affair without telling me. I told her the blame lies on all of us, and asked her if she'd like to share her side of the story.

Was this a good idea???

Why in the world would you be calm and respectful to a woman who so totally abused you and your marriage?

Purplealligator, unless your H does a 180 and decides to commit to this marriage, he will continue to stray. Are you willing to remain in a marriage with a serial cheater?

Thanks for the bluntness, maritalbliss. I probably need some of that.

PA, welcome to Marriage Builders, I am sorry you are here. My suggestion would be to make plans to separate from your husband. You must accept him how he is and how he is is dangerous to you. He is extremely abusive and thoughtless and will tear you down even more if you allow it.

There is nothing to be done unless and until he commits to making radical changes in his life. You cannot force him to change against his will.

Please get the book Surviving an Affair and follow the guidelines for Plan B.

P-A
Sorry to see you here.

OW are low lifes and they have the mentality that they did nothing wrong.

It is trying to reason with a rock.

Forget her.

If your M has no boundaries it will just be the next OW.

You need to start reading everything on this site. Many of the vets can help you here.

Blessings.

Thanks so much everyone for the support and the suggestions. I truly never imagined that I would be in this situation.

Honestly, WH is remorseful, but says his needs are not being met, so he can't promise he won't try to get them met elsewhere.

He is truly a good person, but is sexually insatiable, and emotionally needy, whereas I could take it or leave it as far as the sex goes, and can be emotionally detached.

First start by getting the book "surviving an affair" which you can order on this website.

Read all that you can. You need to set boundardies and have a plan.

Do you work or at home?

I'm a stay-at-home mom and freelance newswriter, so I only work out of the home about an hour each week.

WH works long days in and out of the office and is out of town once a week. Occassionally I go with him, but usually he says I'd be bored if I went or he doesn't want to ask his mom to watch the kids, so goes by himself.

I'm getting pretty frantic now as it's almost time for WH to get home. I only found out about this last night, confronted him immediately, and spent the next several hours trying to scrub the image out of my brain. didn't get any sleep.

I don't know what to say to him.

UGHHH

Follow Melody's advice. It's spot on.