Redoing my whole letter. Its been so long since we ve written a love note, I think my letter is impersonal and cold. Thanks

Debbie, you do still have a chance if he ends his affair. His affair is doomed, though. The best thing you can do is remove yourself until the affair dies. If not, your marriage really will be over when you grow to hate him.


This is it! You can get moral support on this thread. That is what I am giving you!! A PLAN.

Can you please post your revised letter so we can discuss it?

My dear Jay,
Though I have apologized for not showing you respect in regard to the decisions made in **edit** troubled times as he was growing up, I want to say again I am sorry if you felt diminished in any way. And again I say I am sorry for rash words that surely were hurtful to you when I discovered your affair. I see now that I still have to apologize for wrongs of omission, like not trying harder to make an emotional connection with you.

I appreciate that you have said to others and me that I did no wrong to you and that you see in me a wife that has dedicated her life to your well being and support...to be a blessing to you. It is my joy to have guarded your name and honor as a precious thing.

The complete trust I had in you impared me from discovering the secret life you were forming for yourself all these years. For six months,I have waited for you to take it to heart that forgiveness waits for you here with me.

I understand from you that you want to preserve our marriage and that you still have feeling of love for me. I have told you and still feel from my heart that I stand for our marriage. I am willing to learn to avoid the mistakes I have made in the past and create a new life for both of us that will meet your needs.

I know we are both suffering right now so through the counsel I am receiving, it is best for you not to come back home until you have permanently ended your relationship with Karla. Additionally, I have been advised that not contact with you is the most beneficial course for my physical, spiritual and emotional well being and I agree.

Jamie can call me when deposits, payroll,bookkeeping or any other business item needs attention. I am enclosing the tax deposit information you might need to do your transfers from another location.

**edit** have agreed to pass any message or personal information to me. I will take care of the home inside and out.

I ask you to repect my decision. You must know about the suffering I have endured because of your relationship with Karla. I still love you but I cannot see you under these conditions.

As soon as you are willing to permanently separate from Karla and are willing to follow measures for total separation, I will be willing to discuss our future together.

You and I have a close bond even now. You chose someone loyal and true, that would be committed to a marriage and would fight and stand for what is right. I want us to be able to rebuild our marriage some day. I want us to be able to meet each other's emotional needs and to avoid doing anything to hurt each other. We need to build a new lifestyle in which everything we do makes us both happy. Then there will never again be a reason for us to separate. I want to be your best friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me. And I want you as my best friend.

I loved you when we married and I continue to love you right up to this day. I just cannot be with you as long as you are with Karla.

Debbie, I changed this because your IM's should not pass on any message. They should screen the messages and only pass on information that is PERTINENT - in their own words. Only business matter or urgent matters regarding your children. Scratch the child issues, because your kids can contact you directly. For example, if he sends a vital message about taxes, it should be passed on. If he sends a message saying you are immature and the affair is all your fault, IT SHOULD NOT BE PASSED ON. If he sends a message saying that he wants to talk to you to see if you can work things out, their response should be:

"have you ended your affair and are you committing to recovery of the marriage?" He can only get through if he answers YES to those questions. Otherwise, there is nothing to talk about.

If your friends have any questions whatsoever have them email me at ohmelodylane@aol.com and I will help them. I have been an IM many times and would be glad to help.

Thank you. The woman went through a bitter time as the BS and is now very happily married. She is very willing though it is hard for her to revisit all this, her H is not the type to jump into others problems. He was a deacon under my WH and does love him. I told them they could read about it in SA but I willgive em your info too.

You know, I can feel myself shifting to a spot of giving up on our marriage as I make plans to see an attorney and totally cut him off. I understand this is the right thing to do and I think it is even Biblical but it is erroding the firm stand I have on waiting for him to want the marriage again.

Debbie, there are no guarantees, but the things we are telling you here will give you the greatest chance of reconciliation. Just waiting is not a plan. Standing up and fighting for your marriage IS. Waiting for something to happen protects your H from some much needed consequences of the affair. He NEEDS consequences in order to wake up. Exposing the affair and exposing him to the REALITIES of divorce [which is where he is headed if he doesn't end his affair] are very necessary.

If this plan does not result in reconciliation, you will still be better off because you will be legally protected and you will be emotionally detached. That will make it easier for you to transistion into divorce, if need be. You don't lose this way, because if he doesn't end his affair, divorce is the best thing for you both.

I am an impatient person. I read stories about it taking two years to start working on things or that the BS is still waiting for the thing to end and it sends me into a tailspin

You might have to learn patience. None of us like having to be patient.....but it is what it is.

But, you won't feel like that in 2 months. You will detach emotionally and feel better than you have in years. And this way, if he does not end his affair and commit to the marriage, it will be an easy emotional transistion. It will not be nearly as traumatic and you will have the clear headed judgement to make the right decisions.