Hi everyone,

Been lurking for awhile and there is much tenderness and support here.

Here's my situation...open to all input.

My wife is having an affair (currently 3 weeks old) with her first love. Someone she first dated at age 19. She broke it off then and one of the reasons was family pressure..I believe.

We met and started dating and it was wonderful. She need to go back to France to finish her studies. We wrote tons of letter (remember those days??) We had been apart for a few months when a letter arrived apologizing but she need to get back the this guy...She still loved him and it was unresolved... But the second time it only lasted a week or two. She told me later that she couldn't breath, that he "suffocated" her.

She came back to the same area that I lived for a job and she wanted to be alone but we remained friends. That didn't last long as we fell deeply in love again.

Next, she got pregnant before we got married. We were planning on getting married and then it happened (not sure it relevant but...)

We got married had another child and then I wanted us to move to her home country to make a life for our new family. She did not but eventually but begrudgingly agreed (read: still bitter about it)

Anyway, we started our new life...it was exciting and very tough. She (again a bit begrudgingly) helped me start a new business. Then I gave 100% support to start any career she wanted...teacher.

We have three young kids: 5, 8 and 10. We have had difficulties but (I thought) also love and respect. And things had not been better than quite a while in tha last 3 to 6 months.

She contacted this 1st love and they are now convinced that they must grow old together. That it is a completely unique love story. But she also says that she loves me but differently.

She's still at home with me and the kids and insists that she needs to test each possibility before making a decision...she is NOT a leap of faith kind of person.

I love her deeply regards of the tremendous pain and feel so, so sorry for our kids.

I've asked about which emotional needs she is missing from us and the problem is she just recalls the tough times in our relationship...none of the good. She claims there was never love..So I'm sure she's doing the opposite with him. She sees everything thru a filter that confirms her choice.

Not sure what to do next...

Hi stuck. Sorry you have to be here, but welcome to MB.

Click "notify" at the bottom of your post and ask the moderators to move your post to the Surviving an Affair forum. You'll get a lot more help over there.

Welcome to MB. Get the book "Surviving An Affair" by Dr. Willard Harley. Read up on the Dr. H's concepts at the top of this web page and get yourself well educated about affairs. Protect yourself and your children financially from your WW (wayward wife) and make sure she does not leave with your kids and DO NOT MOVE OUT OF YOUR HOME!

Thanks Faith.

I've read thru all the Dr.'s fine advice and it has helped a lot.

I guess the twist is that this is her 1st love..failed twice...not a "new" person...

Maybe it doesn't matter...

The problem can be threefold;

1) A marriage in which her most important emotional needs are not being fulfilled.

2) A faulty belief that opposite sex friends are "harmless."

3) A faulty belief in "unconditional love."

How do Affairs Begin?

Are "Friends" a Threat to Your Marriage?

Escaping the Jaws of Infidelity

What's Wrong with Unconditional Love?

Those conditions, met with piss-poor boundaries lead to infidelity.

Affairs normally fail in the long run, since its based on dishonesy. Do you know who the OM is? You need to expose this affair to his family and to your family. Your family needs to know including her side. Your kids should be told the truth as well.

Exposing will kill this affair. She is living in a fantasy world devoid of responsibility and reality.

I agree exposing this affair will kill it. Target people like family, friends, co-workers, OM family and friends etc..

My husband didn't expose till my second affair trust me if you want your wife back then you need to bring the affairees into the light and open

Plus if they are "MEANT" to be together why not let everyone know on the good news?

No, it doesn't matter. My H's A was with his high school sweetheart. In fact, they were still "friends" when we got married and he still had feelings for her at that time, though I didn't know about it. She became a family "friend" until I found out that it was a lot more than a "friendship" between her and my H.

Anyway, the principles and concepts are all the same. It doesn't matter if it's someone she's known for a few weeks or her entire life.

All that means is she fell into the A quicker. It doesn't affect how you attack this. My H had two affairs with old g/f's (or old "loves") as you put it. You still follow Dr. H's plan for surviving an affair.

It would be helpful if we knew what country you're currently in. We have folks from around the world here, and if questions of legality/culture/tradition arise, they might be more able to "tailor" the advice offered.

BUT.....

What hard evidence do you have of their sordid affair? E-mails, text messages, pictures, audio recordings? When the nuclear exposure bomb goes of, these wiull be the fuel for the explosion.

If you have none/not enough, you're going to have to get some. Put a keylogger on her computer, Flexispy on her cell, a GPS on her vehicle, and a VAR in her car, and wherever she might go to answer "personal" phone calls. Document in a journal every discussion you have with the skank about her cheating (record them, and all conversations with her, if you can do so with a mini-recorder discretely.)

Now, steel yourself. Your wife is DEAD. There is a being living some kind of dual existence in your former wife's body getting some jollies from you (home, support, etc) but her bell rung by lover boy. She does NOT currently love you anymore, so don't show her mercy in the upcoming next step.

You task will be to ruin her life. It's as simple as that. Get the evidence - DO NOT LET HER KNOW YOU'RE DOING SO - and prepare to be ruthless.

We'll be here to talk you through it.

Excuse me, but I was precise in my choice of words. A big part of her current "life" includes carrying on the affair. "Ending" ("killing"?) the affair is the goal. "Ruining" the life that enables it is the tool.

Hello all,

Many thanks for your thoughts...

I'll try to answer all the questions/points
-We are in France

-I do not really know the OM. I certainly know their history but not much else

-Here is the issue with me exposing the affair to her family. She is convinced that the major reason the relationship fail way back when was the meddling of her family. Especially an overbearing, over-controlling father. I fear that if I expose it to her family I will fill that role, throwing her into his arms and that might be the wrong decision for her (seemingly wrong for me and my kids too)

-She has told a selective group of people including her brother but not her sister, not parents. Her brother is considering telling his family

-She is so focused on the truth of this love that she sees everything thru a filter to confirm that decision. Occasionally she seems really touched when I remind her of memories of us she seems to have forgotten or chooses not to remember...maybe she is just reacting to my pain...

-People who know the OM...a few childhood friend that are now my friends too (she has told them about the affair) say that the OM is toxic...their words.

Many thanks to you all!

No, no, no. She isn't the one who is supposed to do the exposure, you are. Who have you told? If she's exposing herself, then she has the opportunity to spin it anyway she wants.

One of the first things you need to do is kill the A. As long as the A is active, your marriage cannot begin to heal.

Stop discussing exposure with her. Of course she doesn't want you to expose to her family. That would just make her all that more accountable.

Stop listening to your WW. WW lie, all the time. Judge by her actions, not her words.

Stop telling her your strategies. This is war and you are fighting for your marriage.

Stop being a wimp and letting your WW dictate how this will go.

Do start planning how you're going to expose this affair. It needs to be done all at once and with NO WARNING, including those in the workplace, if that is where the affair is being carried out.

Have you read Surviving An Affair? If you haven't, go get that book today! It's very inexpensive or you can even borrow it from some libraries.

Once the Affair is over you should also get His Needs Her Needs.

Read what Dr. H has to say about this:

From chapter 13 HNHN's

"Step 1: End the Affair

The first step on the path to surviving an affair is for it to end. An affair ends when the straying spouse ceases all contact with his or her lover and never sees or talks to that person again. Time and again I've watched what happens when a drastic and decisive break with a lover is not made. They try to remain "friends" and maintain casual social contact. But inevitably they find their way back to their lover's arms. It seems that when it comes to this one person, they exhibit incredibly flawed judgment and almost irresistible force draws them back.

But even if there were to be no risk of rekindling an affair, if any contact continues, the affair still remains alive in the mind of the betrayed spouse. Since an affair is the most hurtful and selfish act that one spouse can inflict on the other, any contact restores the memory and perpetuates the pain. Wives have told me that their husband's affair was worse than being raped. Men have said their wifes affair was worse than losing a child. It's the ultimate betrayal.

For some, the affair ends the right way. The unfaithful spouse sends a letter to the lover that communicates how much suffering the affair caused the betrayed spouse and how thoughtless it was, a desire to rebuild the marriage, and that all contact would be terminated forever. The betrayed spouse reads the letter and approves of it before it's sent. After the letter is sent, extraordinary precautions that I'll explain in the next step are taken to avoid future contact with the lover.

But most affairs end the wrong way -- they die a natural death. Instead of taking control of the situation, and making a decision to end it, most unfaithful spouses continue in the relationship as long as possible. Affairs, however, don't usually last very long. I estimate that 95% of them don't last two years. Those few who eventually marry are extremely fragile -- much more likely to divorce than the average couple. So if an affair doesn't end the right way, it will almost always end, even if it's the wrong way.

If your unfaithful spouse is unwilling to end an affair the right way, I know of a way to help speed up its demise: Expose it. Your own family should know: Your parents, your siblings, and even your children. The family of your spouses lover should also know, especially the lover's spouse. The pastor of your church should be informed as well. Exposure of an affair is like opening a moldy closet to the light of day. Affairs do well when they're conducted in secret, but when they're in full view for all to see, they appear as they are -- incredibly foolish and thoughtless.

Even if exposure were to be ineffective in ending an affair, I'd recommend it anyway. The betrayed spouse needs as much support as possible, and exposure helps friends and relatives understand what's going on. Keeping an affair secret is no real help to anyone. But I've been amazed at how well it dismantles the illusion that affairs rest upon. Instead of assuming that the relationship is made in heaven, an unfaithful spouse quickly senses that it's a one-way ticket to hell on earth.

The first reaction of an unfaithful spouse to exposure is to try to turn the tables on the betrayed spouse. "I will never be able to forgive you for hurting me this way. Don't you ever think about how I'd be affected by this?" Of course, it's really the affair that hurts. The exposure simply identifies the source of the pain. The unfaithful spouse should be the one begging for forgiveness.

In spite of the suffering that an affair inflicts on a betrayed spouse, during this period of exposure he or she should try to make as many Love Bank deposits and as few withdrawals as possible. If you argue about the affair, you'll damage recovery. Insist on the unfaithful spouses complete separation from the lover (no contact for life), but don't fight about it. I call this strategy to end the affair Plan A.

If exposure itself doesn't end the affair immediately, my advice regarding what to do next is usually different for husbands and wives. I encourage husbands to try to stick to avoiding arguments and meeting their unfaithful wives' basic needs (Plan A) as long as possible (six months to a year). But I usually encourage wives to separate after about three weeks if their husband is still in contact with his lover. My experience has taught me that the health of most women deteriorates quickly and significantly while living with an unfaithful husband. Men, on the other hand, tend to be able to weather the storm longer with fewer emotional or physical effects. I call the strategy of complete separation Plan B.

In addition to avoiding health problems, a separation also helps a betrayed spouse hang on to what remains in their spouse's Love Bank account. Daily interaction with an unfaithful spouse causes such large withdrawals, that a separation with no contact between spouses can actually help the marriage by temporarily freezing the betrayed spouse's Love Bank. When the affair is over, the betrayed spouse is less likely to divorce when the unfaithful spouse wants to give the marriage a chance to recover.

Yet another advantage to separation is that some of the basic needs met by the betrayed spouse suddenly disappear. This is especially true when a couple has children. An unfaithful spouse often overlooks the betrayed spouse's contribution to the family. While the lover may meet two basic needs that were unmet by the betrayed spouse, the betrayed spouse may have been meeting the other three that cannot be easily met by the lover. During a separation, the unfaithful spouse can become acutely aware of what he or she is missing."

For God's sake, please listen to princessmeggy

Here are a few more points to consider;

#1. NO - your situation is not unique in any way. There are no "special considerations". She is a WW, plain and simple.

She is living in a fantasy world where selfishness RULES the day. She is in what is called a fog. Don't listen to ONE WORD that comes out of her mouth, all bullpatooie.

#2. You need to read, decide on a plan and stick to it.

One of THE first thing you need to do is kill the Affair. As long as the A is active, your marriage cannot begin to heal.

Prepare for war with the Affair. It is WARRRRRRRRRRRR! Not with your wife but the Affair and the Fog that she will spew all over you. Ignore it if you can. Hard to do!

Understand that if you follow doing what these Vets have told you to do you have a chance of getting your wife back and a marriage that will be fulfilling. Do not falter and you cannot fail and for love sake dont HESITATE. Expose the truth to everyone she knows with a nuclear assault including her family. If they didn't like him before wait till they have this news. You are the father of there grandchildren.

Exposing my WW killed her affair with an exboyfriend in like two hours. Not saying it will be that fast for you, but it worked so well it was unbelievable.