Got it, Jim. Swat it til it's dead!!

I'm not sure if you answered this, but what is the story on his job? If he has romantic feelings toward a woman in his office, all the role-playing in the world will probably not help you.

I suggested role-playing thinking that he needed to build boundaries with women who might come on to him in the future.

Hmmm. The woman he's got romantic feelings for really concerns me, Pa.

So I'm trying to read all the info on this site, to look at the threads and see what other people are doing and what is/isn't working, etc., but I'm getting a bit overwhelmed.

Can someone explain to me what a Plan A and Plan B are?

The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A by Pepperband:


The Carrot of Plan A


Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.



The stick of Plan A


Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not appologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.

Also, please read the emotional needs section of this website...

Thanks, bottlerocket.

maritalbliss, sorry i overlooked your question, but here's the answer.

The women at his job are a huge source of stress for me (even before I knew all this). There are several who make blatant advances, and he always said he just ignores it. They stand too close, touch too much, one woman actually reached out and held his hand while explaining something. One was fired after another co-worker publicized a very sexual letter she had written to a staff member about wanting him. His boss ordered one to not even speak to him anymore because it was too distracting for everyone. (I know this sounds absurd and I suppose is teh downfall of marrying a remarkably handsome, likeable man?)

Anyway, I asked him last night about a particular woman who I had worried about before. He said he does feel for her romantically, but didn't say he 'loved' her. She is the first person he went to when I found out about the affairs so that he could talk to someone. Just days ago I begged him to put down his phone and stop texting her while my brother was visiting us, and he simply wouldn't do it, but said 'I deserve some free time, too.' He says she doesn't really know how he feels, but I'm sure she does. He says he won't have any relationship with her now, but intends to just try to ignore her in the office rather than saying a definite adios.

I believe the only way for you to reconcile at all is for him to leave his job and find another one, one that doesn't have soo many females

I wouldn't sit still for this, Pa. Is your WH willing to leave that job?

He was working on leaving this job already, actually. He isn't very happy there, and is now working one day a week to build up a client base at another practice. The other practice is out of town, about an hour and a half from home, but the plan has been for the whole family to stay there three days a week and here at home the rest of the week once this starts. I definitely can't trust him with a second home he can run off to now, though.

WH and I are planning to fill out our Emotional Needs Questionnaires tonight. I'm very interested to see how this is going to go. I know we're polar opposites, but it should be good to see it on paper to help work things out.

I also told his mom about the A today. She and I are very close, and she said she knew something was going on and asked if I needed anything. She's the first person I've talked to (not on a computer) besides WH and OW, so it felt good to get some things out with a totally supportive person there. Of course, she was appalled and said to never allow him to speak to a woman ever again. he's going to be mad when he finds out she knows.

Seriously, PA. You need to do some snooping and find out what is "really" going on here. My FWH also wanted to include OW in our lives. That's why I didn't believe it was an affair. I thought it was too blatant to be true. Our kids played together!



He does not seem to be very committed to the M at this point. I know that sounds hard - sorry. I've been there. I agree with maritalbliss - don't sit still for this.

Thanks, pokerface. I know what you mean about 'too blatant to be true'! The first OW is someone I've met several times over the years. he encouraged me to be buddies with her, we all went out to dinner together, hung out in the off-hours of conferences and such, etc. I thought she seemed great and even suggested they start a business together!
The woman from the current EA is someone he has tried again and again to get me together with. He talks about her a lot, set up times for us to get together for exercise classes we were both taking, she offered to babysit anytime for us, he wanted our daughter to join the girl scout troupe she leads and be friends with her daughters, and the list goes on and on.

Have you checked his phone to see the contents of those texts?

He deletes everything really frequently, and I'm sure got rid of incriminating evidence immediately. At the time (just three days ago, it's amazing!) I didn't think a lot about it except to be annoyed. I saw a couple of texts between them that were pretty plain and unincriminating, but I'll never know what else was deleted.

Tell him you would prefer that he not delete his texts anymore.

maritalbliss, I'll tell him as soon as he gets home. I already told him he had to give me open access to his phone and email. No deletions before I see them would be a good addition.

This is a good opportunity. Ask him for his phone when he gets home and see what he says. There may be some on there that he hasn't deleted yet.

Did he agree to access to his email as well? Do you have all passwords? I'm concerned that he is playing you, Pa. His history is poor. I'd have my finger on the Plan B button and be ready to move to that if he isn't completely transparent with you.

He gave me his email password, but it took him about half an hour to respond to my text asking him for it. In hindsight, I should have called him so he couldn't hedge or take time to delete anything first.

His phone is password protected, but was easily figured out because its the same as our garage door code, so I don't think he was trying too hard to hide anything that way. Probably just with frequent deleting.

When he finished at work, he put forth some effort by texting me to let me know that he was leaving, that he was picking up takout for dinner, that he was leaving the restaurant, etc. but I can't shake the feeling that it still seemed to take more time than necessary to do each of those things. Maybe that's just paranoia, but I'm not sure.

PA,

Waywards lie...

about EVERYTHING THEY DO.

Your WH was probably creating ANOTHER email account for the OW's and deleting what he didn't want you to see.

Mrs.Flint SWORE ON OUR CHILDRENS LIVES that she was not having an affair with my ex-brother for YEARS...

ANYTHING YOU HAVE TO ASK HIM FOR IS WORTHLESS AS FAR AS CHECKING UP ON HIM!!!

You MUST start using the investigative methods you have been advised about such as VAR, GPS and keylogging.

Read the forum on investigating and stop believing your WH whereabouts or that he is telling you the truth without VERIFYING it first.

Jim