Somehow over the years I have sat back and let things go unchecked. I beleive I was just quitting as well. and I have sat here and thought about all the advice i have been given in just a few days. And I decided to change one thing - and that is to fight. I have always been a fighter. And i am catching my breath. I have done a lot of crying and being sad, but now I am going to do what i have done all my life and I am going to fight head on. And if he says no then i know I have tried. That is something I have always prided myself on. This is the start of my battle cry:

BH,

I wanted to thank you for your company yesterday and all the days this week. It has has meant the world to me to have you near. I wanted to especially thank you for your kiss last night. It meant more to me than anything I can put on this paper. Thank you for your touch, the warmness of it kept me safe through the night. I can still see it now as I write. I am speaking from my heart and it feels good to tell you how I feel. In a marriage people can take each other for granted. The years go by, problems happen, each makes decisions that can make love withdrawls instead of deposits of love. Mine have been grave, but I still love you. And right now I am not going to stop doing that. I tried to sit quietly and you know that I dont' do that well. My heart is screaming to say what it needs to say so as usual no matter what is said or done I am going to listen to it. I am a fighter. And I am staying right here until you say put those papers in that judges hands and you are gone. Until then, I am going to love you to the best of my ability. And if you want to define that ability I am listening. If you want to tell me what I am missing in meeting your needs and how I can change I am listening. I am going to be home, waiting on you. I am going to look forward to you coming in that door, and I am going to hug and kiss you hello and good night and if you want my company I will lay beside you quietly. Just to feel you near, <BH>, is my blessing. Until I know there is no hope I am not going to quit

NC,

He keeps coming to see you and talk to you because he needs to see what you feel and think.

Keep being honest.
Keep showing him your changes.


Do not give up hope.

I love your letter.


SB

NC, why did he put a deposit on an apartment a few weeks before you told him about your affair?

@ Delta, I was acting out the normal affairs behaivor "Oh I want to find myself" any stupid line that would get me a divorce from the man I loved but who I knew I had hurt. I didnt want to tell him about the affair and so I drew my own poison. I went to a lawyer and got divorce papers because I knew that telling him would be my end any way it went. And so I sentenced myself. I could see he wasn't buying my lines but he went on and signed the papers anyway. I didn't want the divorce. But I knew either way I was done, tellin him would seal my fate.

But there were many delays. We started spending more time together. He was doing everything that I wanted done all along. But I still hurt inside lying to him working on a what I asked myself? he doesnt know what we are working on. But he really did, he just did not want to say he wanted me to say it.

I went on many sites to search for the right thing to do. The reasons why the affair happened. all sorts of stats. I found very exact information on WebMD. Then I found MB. When I read it all I knew I had to tell if there was any hope at all. But knew there was none.

So now I suffer terribley through each day, every day, for what i did. I am paying a big price now. very big. Bigger than the bills I will have to pay on my own now, bigger than work ahead to care for a house and my daughter. I am paying a big price. a loss of love.

@schoolbus, thank you school bus. I tried to speak from my heart but he said it didnt even sound like me and accused me of going on MB. i said it was from my heart and not from anyone else or coaching.

he leaves in 3 days. last night he just layed with me side by side for a little across the bed, held my hand and talked. he got up and said he didnt want to hurt me and confuse me and wished me good night. it sent me into a million pieces today.

I asked him not to go, not so much to not leave the house, but dont leave my life. And I regret what has happended. I asked him on the phone later that , while I agree that prayer is important, taking a check on progress is important to. I asked him to lets check the progress on things in 6 months and in 12 and see how things are going. he seemed to agree.

But deep down in my heart? I know I have lost. I think he is just being kind until I let go.

Such a classic story this is. The spouse who's needs are ignored says they are in need, says that their needs are not being met. And after many conversations, arguments, counseleing, the spouse learns to turn down the volume on the needs channel maybe substitute with food or drinks or travels with girlfriends, then on one unsuspecting day turns to an outside source the OP.

Then, just as MB states, the WS feels the passion the long abandoned 'love' they are missing at home....then the BS begins to notice absences. In my case says nothing, but knows by way of hints.

Then the WS if they as in my case realizes they still want the love they need and miss from their BS. WS is confused. Guilt sets in and grows like mold. They struggle with making up excuses to get free -find myself- we say. And as I know some who have chosen this road, some chose not to tell and go on. Some, like me, choose to tell.

Many people say truth is the best. honesty best policy. but I am not so sure now. i wont ever know if this has been the right thing. it is done now. so I suppose the best i can do is pay my price. As in the classic ending, the OP is out the picture. the flame dies and the looser is the cheating spouse, the cheated spouse and the family as a whole. i feel like I have dropped a nuclear bomb on my life. And I have no one else to blame.

That's right, you have no one else to blame. Just like myself, I have no one else to blame. WE did this to our marriages. I would continue to improve on yourself, and continue to become the woman your husband would be proud to call his wife. It maybe that he's not seeing what he needs from you in order to believe that you are committed. It maybe that he really truly is done with the marriage. As long as you continue to improve, he will notice. Whether he comes back, I can't say.

THank you Boston, praying for us both.

Quiet evening. Hoping for no conversation. he's packing some things for his move Friday. lots of my own crying today. thinking about the loss I will bear. Like I said above, the weight of it. It's crushing. Took a walk to the store instead of drive to think about how and where I will cut back here and there, what I cant afford anymore or do. My daughter asked me how much things will change. She and I talked about the financial situation. She said I am a great mom. And she appreciates me. She is the reason I hold on.

NoComfort,

Do not give up. Your H may leave, but he will miss you. He may even divorce but he may well reconsider. Become a woman that you can be proud of. Become a woman that values a relationship and the difficulties within it. Learn new coping skills so that when you are in your next relationship (your H or another man) you can handle things better.

But, NoComfort, give this time and patience. Your H has to heal and then things may change again. Life takes odd twists and turns.

God Bless,

JL

Thank you JL that helped me so so very much. it's heavy you know? but you are right. whether he misses me or not or forgives me I can become a better person a better woman. I hope he will miss me because i will miss him. praying for time to be my friend.

NC, I can so fully identify with you as my situation is very similar. Read the words that peachyisback wrote to me and that now appear in my signature line:

I hope they give you some comfort. They've been so much help to me.

NC,

I am searching for words to help you face what is before you.

You are questioning your decision to tell you husband the truth, and wondering if it was the best thing to do. I know that you think that your marriage would have endured and things would have been fine, at least someday, if you had never told him.

Is this true, though? I don't think so. This sin would have haunted you, and changed who you were - each day it would have eroded a piece of your soul, isn't that more truthful? And with each day, your understanding of the "real" closeness and love you had with your husband would have this darkness about it, because you would know that on the surface you were showing him love, but underneath the foundation of that love was not love at all, but lies and betrayal.

You cannot build love, a marriage, a relationship, a life, on lies and betrayal. Your desire to tell your husband the truth was proof of this. You knew that your affair had undermined your marriage, and the only way to make foundation repairs was to dig up the problem, expose it, and either rebuild the marriage or face the possible truth that your husband would not be able to rebuild.


You have faced this with grace and dignity. You have owned the truth, and have not decided for your husband. You could have decided for him, you know. You could have continued to lie, to betray him every day in that way, and decided for him that he would remain in this marriage and not know that the foundation was gravely damaged. You could have continued to conceal the truth of his life from him, chosen his path for him, and made the very selfish choice to have what YOU wanted instead.


You did the most honorable thing you could do, after you did something very dishonorable. What you have done, confess your affair, now sets you on the path to redeem yourself. Your sense of guilt and remorse, and your desire to allow your husband to freely choose, shows you to be headed in the direction of honor.


The rest of your future might hold reconciliation. It might hold divorce. Either way, you are a woman who is working to make amends for her wrongdoing, and to make changes in herself.


There is no more praiseworthy action than that.


Schoolbus

Hi HopeandGrace. I just wanted to touch base quickly. thank you for the love (thank everyone, no matter how bitter the medicine) on this website. It has been a blessing for me.

My husband has moved out, left 3/25. The affair has ended just as this and all the web site said it would.

Hischoolbus! Thank you also for your love and grace. God is truly TRULY wonderful to me. And you know what? My marriage would have been a lie. I could have elected to say nothing like a very small handful of people suggested. But I loved my soul more and I refused to give evil, the devil, whatever you want to call it, any more power in my life. Furthermore, I wanted it to be told the way it should be, for the understanding of what happended, not because I am a bad wife or an indecent person, no. From the experts here and many other websites it is because of needs unmet, because of pain.

We mask our pain with food, alcohol, precription or illegal drugs. But when we take the mask off the pain is still there.

As I mentioned to Grace, my husband is gone. I am recovering from my hysterectomy as well. Two weeks out the hospital this Tuesday. He came to see me while there, brought be flowers, held my hand. See he gives me the love I needed now but I failed to stay faithful when his love was not there, this is our story. This is how it happens to many on this site. I still love him, but I know it may never be the same. He came by to cut the grass today. We chatted. He ate a little breakfast and then he left. yes I still love him and I told him so, wont stop telling him because he needs to know love didnt end. He seems to think it had something to do with my childhood, or maybe the fact I was widowed at 30 or depression. But not of that is the case.

The real reason is as plain as the nose on my face, as the reasons for affairs on this website and hundreds of others - needs unmet, and pain. This marriage may come to and end, but there was so much for us both to learn. We both left the marraige at different times. He would leave and come back, abandoning me and my daughter for outside things and people, but no he never crossed the physical line, just the time and emotional bounds. I crossed the emotional and physical. We were warned about it early on - that the decoupling of our marriage was detrimental, and these situations contributed to infidelity. But he could not commit to the remedies, and left alone, I strayed. This is my lesson I share with those who are thinking about doing it. Dont. If I could do one thing differne it would be to look my husband in the eye and say "Honey I have tried in so many ways to tell you that our love is in danger. we have been to counceling but nothing seems to be getting accross to you to let you know love needs to be constant and home needs to come first. Before I do the unthinkable I need to know what this marriage means to you."