I wrote this on my other thread but I know people can't read every thread, so I was wondering if anyone else had an odd response to exposure. I expected him to be mad but he is not.... ??

Mine was soooo embarrassed. He wanted to know who all I told. He wanted to approach each of them to say how wrong he was in what he did. and he did. Later he said I could have saved my breath and just told one of his sisters, and she would have taken care of the entire community. So I had a little different experience. When I told him I exposed, he just hung his head and said "Oh, no". No anger, just shame.

Apparently its often different with WW's. The WW has typically left the marriage mentally and wants a way out before she makes the move to the A. This takes years of unhappiness.

So when she is exposed (commonly..not always) she gets angry and defensive and doesn't run back to the marriage full of shame, sorrow, remorse. She feels like it would be easier to quit and she is mad at the BH for exposing. And the BH has his work cut out for him to win her back.

I cannot explain this well to people outside this forum. That's why I appreciate all the BH's going through the same WW fog.

So, ladies, I wonder....

In the BH experience, we need to take tons of self inventory and realize the boatloads we did wrong before our wives chose their A. It sucks. Its like... we are the ones doing all the work to win them back and we just want to wallow in our pain and betrayal. The WW doesn't show remorse for a long time. Meanwhile, we are working to understand the EN's that we missed so badly and LB's that became habits. Practice, practice.

In the BW experience, does it start out with the typical stereotypes? husband remorse, he'll never do it again, righteous betrayed woman lays down the law.... all the TV and movie baloney? I wonder if that's risky because something other than male immaturity wanderlust could be at play.... did you miss EN's? Was he unhappy in the M? Were there LB's?

The WW probably spent a couple years reading books, seeing therapists, talking to dear friends before making her betrayal. The WW is experienced at relationship study and can identify what her BH lacked. The WH probably didn't plan the A, take forever to decide, take an inventory of the relationship, read any books at all. So your work could be cut out for you. Typical man is not even sure why he was unhappy in M other than superficial things.

Maybe he was just immature and chasing and conquesting. But if there were problems with ENs and LBs he may not have the skillset to identify that.

Typically, betrayed husbands blame themselves for their wife's affair and so does the WW. I think this is a male reaction that makes it easier for them to accept because men hate admitting they are victims. Men do not like being victims, so they busily create ways they were to blame. If they are to blame - in their minds - then they are not victims.

Women, on the other hand, find it much easier to be victims, so have no problem blaming their husbands for his affair.[which is a rational reaction] And WW's do the same thing.[an irrational reaction] They adopt a victim stance and blame their husbands.

The anger at the exposure may show later.

Hello?

Thanks for setting that straight, ML.


As men, as husbands, we carry a lot on our shoulders - a lot of men tend to do a lot of things with the best intentions in mind... but, "The road to hell is paved with good intentions."

I know I tried to do everything - father, husband, employee, student. And any defeat in any area was felt like a total failure.

Kind of stretched myself to the limit, and sacrificed at every turn.

All that lead me to was withdrawal.

However, my withdrawal was NOT the cause of my wife's adultery - poor boundaries, selfishness, and laziness was. My simple and immediate response to ILYBINILWY was enough to show her she f(*&ed up, royally.

My limited exposure of limited details (that which I had at the time) humiliated her, because she did NOT try to justify her actions in a completely cruel way.

That's not to say that some of the fog babble didn't hurt, but I instinctively reverse-babbled a lot of it.

What DID happen was that the uncharacteristic actions she was involved in confused her - that whole "lost myself" thing a lot of waywards say.

It was like taking a step off of a steep hill, way too steep to ever walk on. Once that first foot goes down, and the weight shifts, all that is left to do is tumble. Attempts to stop the fall feel futile, and calling for help? Well, that would be too easy.

You know, come to think of it... when I busted FWW, and when I did my exposure... the response I got was actually a lot like relief.

Like she couldn't excuse ending it on her own...

My WH didn't really react in anger, unless you count not mentioning it and becoming a little more distant. My WH had already separated from anyone of any real influence, and most people just didn't even get involved. I don't regret the exposure I did, I just wish it would have been more effective, but I would have done it again if I needed to.

There was one moment when the exposure I did seemed to do something. I had called their workplace, after I mailed the second letter(I found out additional info like WH took OW on a business trip). I was told my HR that I would not be contacted and that they wouldn't do anything about the A. A little while later, my WH called me, all smuglike, and said, "My work told me to tell you to stop calling and emailing them. They aren't going to do anything about it." I think he was relieved that they weren't doing anything, but I still don't regret doing it. It was a part of MB and I believe in MB 100%.

My marriage may not survive my WH's A, but I WILL.

My husband told me he was relieved. I had called the woman's husband to tell him what I knew, but I didn't think there was an affair because my husband was so ethical. I thought the problem was the woman who was chasing him.

My husband told me that he was so tangled up in lies that it was a relief to get them behind him and to get away from her.

Cherished

WH wasn't angry but did have an anxiety attack. He prides himself on being the "good guy". The "good father & husband". He doesn't like when others think less of him. He tried the typical blaming everything else other than his own selfishness but soon realized there was no where to hide and no circumstance to blame other than himself.

My H wasn't upset at all when I told our family. In fact, he is the one that actually told his Mom and Dad.

He did get upset when I told the OW's family, but he said it was because he was worried she would tell HR about the affair. He had an affair with a subordinate at work and could have been fired if HR found out about it...it's against company policy. He got over it quickly thought because she didn't tell HR.

Your husband broke your arm in anger.

This is the rule, not the exception. RARELY does a WS run back to the marriage full of shame and sorrow and remorse. What often happens is the affair is ruined and as it crumbles, the WS gradually begins to show sorrow and remorse IF the BS does an effective job of holding the WS accountable. Of course, sometimes nothing will work because the WS is so far gone.

This is why it is sooo important to do a very impactful, IMMEDIATE exposure all on the same day. The way you describe it, this was trickle exposure. Is that the case? Trickle exposure is a disaster because it is just enough to piss off the affairees but not enough to kill the affair. The WS comes after the BS with more fury, beating him down more effectively.

Nope just anger..I exposed after she had already moved out...not only her anger but her friends were angry, her family was angry etc. Nobody on her side has talked to me since that time...

This was a bit of a trickle exposure for me. I exposed to his family, my family, common friends... same day I found out. I found marriage builders about a week later and didn't expose to OW's side of the equation until a week after that because I wanted to make sure he went away on a weekend with me for Plan A. And then I delayed his workplace for another month after that.

He was never angry about it.... it was effective though. SHE was very angry. But he wasn't, he seemed proud of me for standing up for the marriage. He seemed really touched that I cared that much...

It did seem to be pretty effective in the part where they didn't see it coming. Neither of them had time to spread a false story around... so I guess there's that.