Just a blurb, not anything to do with co-dependancy, but yes maybe it does, not really sure.

I am moving, and cleaning out the closets again that I once cleaned out before after my wife passed, but there are things I couldn't bring myself to toss then, and of course the memories of everything also.

There is a DR, shcolls foot bath that she bought from a tag sale or something like that for me, because of how painful one of my feet are. Of course I thanked her when she did it, but underneath there loomed the everpresent anguish of her relapse, betrayal, and emotional sickness, that kept me from being overjoyed by this, what I considered, a useless trinket in comparison to her heart.

During the years she had developed a way of disregaurding my emotions, espescially when it came to what was really important to me, her health and honest respect. All the lies and bullcrap had built up over time, and I secretly resented her, how she operated, and her opinion of me. She treated me like a child, and she acted like one herself.

I almost lost that foot at 12, I had told her I needed an operation to deal with the pain, or use painkillers to deal with it, which I would rather not take, because I could take the pain, rather than dull my mind. I was working and planning to get the operation as soon as we saved the money, beacause insurance would not touch it. I would have had to have cash and/or hold the keys to a mercedes to get a Dr. to touch it, but until then I would just have to suffer and wince one in a while.

She couldn't be trusted to work a job and come home, it was up to me to provide it all, and she expected that too.

But even in that messed up entitled fantasyland head of hers, where she didnt see at all how she nuetered me when she lied, or drank, or cheated and swore to me although I knew differntly, and had inside info that she didn't know about. She thought she was doing something for me, and at that moment she was proud and happy to do it. Those are the crumbs I was happy to praise her for, and call them a meal, for her sake.

I would like to say I cried for her sake, but it was for both of our sake, it affected me tonight, I don't know whether to keep it to honor who she could be at times, or to throw away the trigger. I will keep it to honor who she really was before God, as that is what I represent to my children, that it was not the way God wanted her to go.

I will allways worry for them, but let God do the work of keeping them, he allways is way more qualified.