pdc:

If you'll bear with me giving you a little clinical perspective, it might offer you some direction in your time of personal crisis and grieving.

Depression is the feeling that your losses are irretrievable and catastrophic. People in an acute state of emotion often feel as if they will never be happy again. In some cases the feeling is supported by fact (untreatable cancer, etc.), but in most cases the emotional reaction is based on an illusion. In your case, the illusion is that your wife was what you have needed in life, when the truth was that her totally selfish and radically misguided approach to self-gratification made her your worst nightmare. In reality, the loss is and will be hers not yours. She should be feeling catastrophic loss, not you.

Your wife's irresponsible behavior has been a crushing blow to you, but you can recover if you separate yourself from her as much as possible. Try not to see her, talk to her, or have any pictures of her in the house. I understand how difficult that may be with five children, but just about every time you see her or talk to her, your grieving will return.

If you have not already done so, I suggest you take antidepressant medication until your life settles down. I've suggested antidepressant medication to literally thousands of those like you, and they have experienced amazing results when they have found the right medication and dosage level. It helps take away the illusions that create irrational feeling of hopelessness, and replaces it with realistic optimism. That optimism gives them the motivation to get their lives back on track and getting their lives back on track eliminates the need for medication.

One of the advantages to antidepressant medication is that it helps people make use of opportunities that arrive regularly. Instead of feeling that nothing will work, and then doing nothing, it encourages them to try, and trying helps overcome obstacles.

Forgive me if my approach to your problems sounds insensitive and over-the-top clinical, but I've worked with enough depressed individuals to know that it's foolish to avoid antidepressant medication when the effects are so positive. It works.

If you are already taking anti-depressant medication, remember what I said about the right brand and the right dosage: I've witnessed "amazing results when they have found the right medication and dosage level." You should see those results in about a week, so if you're still depressed after that amount of time, try something different. And whenever taking any psychotropic medication, it should be under the supervision of a qualified clinical therapist. With the tremendous gains made recently in the treatment of emotional conditions, you should not ignore it.

My advice to take effective antidepressant medication is in no way a substitute for the support you have been seeking, and getting, on the forum. The advice and encouragement given to you is also important in recovery. You are in our prayers.

Best wishes,
Willard F. Harley, Jr.

Dr. Harley,

Thank you for taking your time to respond to my situation personally.

I thank you for pointing out that I need to wrap my head around the fact that my "losing" my wife is not truly a loss but under the circumstances of what she has chosen, a gain. The true loss for me is loss of the dream of a whole family. That dream now is not something achievable or healthy for anyone.

I will take your advice and separate myself from her. I have until recently tried to communicate with her about all this, mostly in the form of letters. You are correct that contact with her is injurious to me emotionally.

I am by nature resilient and mostly positive. I have emerged from the early "darkness" and depression without medication, prescribed or other. My wonderful, sensible and (a new discovery through this) wise older children came to my aid and bore me up in those first days and weeks. I am now where I can be a strength and support for them. Together we are a great strength. The new and intense bonding of our family is one of the blossoms that has grown up through the ashes of this situation.

I am now in a place wher I am finding increasingly more peace and joy in life. I am pursuing some personal interests that have been neglected for years such as woodworking and the building of friendships.

Thank you again Dr. Harley and you others that have taken time from your lives to speak life and hope to me.

Great reply by Dr. Harley. I have to leave now, but will be back later to talk about it. Good stuff in there.

PDC,

As bad as I feel my situation is I am one of the "normal" ones here, and when I saw Dr. Harley weigh in one your thread I was impressed. We all are suffering on some level, and I know yours is worse than most. I am encouraged that you are able to see beyond where you are now and are starting to see a life you can make for your family.

The character that you brought to your marriage and family are still there and will be the foundation of your recovery.

That's awesome PDC. I have been doing that too.

Btw...instead of highjacking your thread regarding Dr. Harley's post, I took one of his paragraphs to my thread. I hope you don't mind. If you do, I shall delete it.

Hang in there PDC. I have faith you will make it through this, and be truly happy again one day.

MJ,
I don't mind a bit, in fact I hope you don't mind my jumping in on your thread.

Thanks PDC, and no, I do not mind at all that you jumped in on my thread. I welcome it.

For what it's worth from someone also just in the divorce process . . .

I have been able to emotionally separate from my wife even though we're still in the same house because I no longer see her as the woman I married. She's not. She's become a total stranger to me since she had the emotional affair that started us on the path of separation.

We were married 20 years, we have 2 fantastic children (19 and 17), and we had many wonderful times. But that was all with 'that other lady'. My current, and temporary, roommate, doesn't resemble the woman I married.

I am not sad about the end of my marriage. I see it as an opportunity to move on and be a better man.

God Bless and best of luck.

QFT.

And if "truth" is too much for someone fresh in the process to digest, let me just say that I think this is a "promise" someone can hold onto.

Of course, it's the mindset that I have, even though the divorce is now almost a year ago, and I have not had one sight or peep from WxW. Still, I know in my mind that the woman she was, the woman I fell in love with, and the woman I married hoping to spend the rest of my life with, disappeared in a wisp of smoke, to be replaced by a deceptive, hateful person I would no longer want to be seen in public with, much less married to.

I think you're right Fred.

Thanks Guys,

I have recently come to the same place you are speaking of. The person I married or even the person I knew a year ago, is not the same person who is now inhabiting the body (and a nice body it is rats ).

I am now having any communication between us be handled by my lawyer.

It has helped me tremdousley to come to this realization because I love the person who my wife was. I do not love the person she has become.

I think I will always "love" her and care about her in some sense, but the feelings of love are gone. This gives me much emotional freedom.

I understand this totally. I will always love my stbx in a way also, and will certainly always care about what becomes of her. But the feelings and emotions are very different than when I truly loved her as my wife. It's a different kind of love. Tough to describe.

Is it "Caring Love" as opposed to "Romantic Love?"

I spoke with Steve Harley at length about this when I did a few phone sessions with him trying to save my marriage. It's just what it sounds like and basically is how you feel about your spouse when you are below the Romantic Threshold with your $LB balance. It's like being married to your to your sister or a roommate [and happens to describe the vast majority of my marriage unfortunately].

opt

I think "caring love" is a good description for how I feel about her. I think I will always want good things for the woman who I spent so many years and memories with and raised 5 children with.

What a tragedy it is, to gain the knowledge and the tools to bring a marriage in to fullness and be helpless to implement them because another just wont be reached.

I'm not sure which is more difficult, losing the love of my life or the reality of a family forever changed. There will now be parents dating, step-parents, step-children, 2 families....what a mess.

Well put. As I read the books such as HNHN, and learned so much from the material on this site, I wished that we had found all this knowledge years ago, and had been able to practice the MB concepts before it was too late.


I am experiencing more pain due to the breakup of the family. Although our kids are older, 19 and 17, the impact is still awful. They are both much happier when the 4 of us are together enjoying each other's company (and this still happens from time to time). They both understand the reasons that Mom and Dad aren't going to be together anymore, but both wish the story had a better ending.

That's exactly it,opt. I still care about her, and in a way I believe she still cares about me to some degree. But the romantic aspect is dead.

Thank you for saying the above, because it's what I am living right now. My husband blindsided me with the intent to divorce 3 months ago. We have four fairly young children and this is a huge shock to our family. I can adjust to the fact that he needs to be separate from me, but the loss of our family's wholeness feels far more significant. It was validating to hear you say this, too, because I never guessed it would be a factor.

I never wanted a divorce, believed our marital issues were totally workable, have always been against divorce except under extenuating circumstances.

How are you doing, and how are your kids?

Good Morning,

With divorce at a 50% rate you would think these feelings would effect people so greatly that they wouldn't want to experience the pain. I am also facing a pending divorce (I am filing with adultery charges), and my four small kids (7,5,3,1) are forced to redefine our family. These are our times. We are raising a generation of quitters, entitlers, it is too tough to fix, and the "grass is greener on the other side" If my WH came today and was fully repentant, willing to EP, and really wants me and our family, my arms of forgiveness are wide open.

We didn't want to redefine our family. My WH has many issues and I think a large portion stem from him having an absentee father. I tried to explain to him he is repeating the cycle his parents provided him. Nothing was getting through. His walls are up and he and only he can undo what he created.

Today my four children and I did what Dr. H suggested; we moved to a different state and for me, I am staying in Plan B. It hasn't been easy, but my sanity is finally coming back.

Today I grieve the loss of this family unit that was destroyed in a blink of an eye. I empathize for my WH today because of all the joy, happiness, memories, and life he is missing from raising our babies. I grieve my home, my old career, my friends, and everything else lost because he had an affair.

Throughout my ordeal my relationship with God had deepened greatly. I know what I failed to do to meet my WH EN's. Today I prepare myself for a new husband, a new life, a new marriage, and everything else that may or may not come in my life.

I hope to be remarried someday, but today I am okay with just being a mom to my four amazing babies. I am working on my health, my spirit, my knitting, and my peace. Life is good today!!

Yesterday is history ... Tomorrow is a Mystery ... and today is a Gift ... that is why it is called "The Present" by Po

Great post, itistoughlove. The two statements that I quoted jumped out at me because I agree so strongly with both. My wife quit on me, and by extension she quit on our family because of her sense on entitlement. It's all about her wants and needs, no one else matters.

Luckily, our kids are older and are handling the situation well, but we all miss the times when we were a true family. Your ex is going to miss out on a lot of wonderful times not being around to participate in the development of his children. His loss.

God Bless you in your recovery. You will find a better man, and you and your children will be better for it.

Linus.

I am doing pretty well. I'll have several "good" days and am still surprised when I find myself experienceing hurt and sorrow again.

I guess each time it isn't as deep. I'm thinking that "it" is something that i will carry in some form forever.

My pain and saddness has 2 sides. One is the pain of loss humiliation and rejection. The other is empathy for the pain that my stbxw must be carrying.

My kids are mostly doing pretty well considering. Thanks for asking.

So true the devastation infidelity can cause. In my wifes case there are mental health issues, but I think when a spouse goes wayward it is a form of mental un-health.