I also lost 20 lbs, began smoking (clean for a week now), needed sleeping pills (clean for 3 weeks now), had dizzy spells, my hands shook at times, had terrible cramps in my legs at night, etc. All part of the colorful pageant of life I suppose.

In some way you are correct. I've seen this advice on the forum a lot.

But these friends aren't going to leave our lives. They are family. Deeper than family. So the recovery involves them as well someday down the road.

These two BFF's are my family too. I said before, they are our kid's godmothers. So they will hopefully figure out their stuff and their own toxicity to each other. Some processing to do on their own as friends. Right now I sense a lot of justification, defensiveness... revisionism for the "wild and irrational 40yr old girls sharing their MLC's" Its all part of life and part of growth. Learning and healing.

If they put energy into painting the whole experience with rose colored glasses and half-truths... well, then they have to know that's hurtful and damaging to their BFF's BH and our M.

I did mention in a post a few weeks back that ironically I have seen my wife make a lot of new friends this past year. And share her EA story with a couple new friends. One in particular she was afraid of strict judgement (a solid catholic woman) and yet she shared with her anyway. She was afraid of being shamed. (seeking someone to shame her? I think she may have actually said that to me... looking for someone to shame her.) This new friend didn't respond for a while. Wife was afraid she drove her friend away with her bombsell. I said, "If she is a good catholic, a good christian, she will not run from you. She will be there for you. She knows none of us are without sin." And this new friend has come back around and is working with my wife. But, this new friend is not the type to give a free pass, total justification, endorsement, support. She will have some judgement and that's healthy if its in a proper christian way-- reminding her that our faith is all about Christ's forgiveness. But first, someone has to want to seek forgiveness and believe they did something wrong that needs forgiveness.

My pants don't fit. My belt is sinching up several inches. I am starting a tough workout routine to take advantage of the weight loss and get some endorphine replacement. Help me feel less depressed and take fewer meds.

Yeah, quite the ride isn't it?

My quit day is today, taking Chantix for the smoking. Might as well drop that habit...among others!

Ha ha, mine, too. I've got a drawer full of pants that are two sizes too big now.

Gonna work on my abs! Seriously. Starting work-out monster regime

....and get some endorphine replacement. Help me feel less depressed and take fewer meds.

Sorry, cannot resist the cross-thread reference.....

You do KNOW the best source of natural endorphin production and release, don't you?

(Don't answer - it's a rhetorical question!)

By the way, I am not without sin either. No way. I am guilty, guilty of many transgressions against my wife. Not an EA... but certainly I have guilt and remorse too. Seeking forgiveness for a lot of my actions.
So.... I just disliked how I sounded high and mighty back there.

Hey North watch that chantix, some wild side effects. My dad was nuts when he was on it.

But you should quit either way.
Sorry for TJ, hang in there stretch, you're doing good!

Yeah, it's giving me really weird dreams and I don't sleep very well--kind of like when my wife's affair was going on But, so far, it's not all that bad--much better than cold turkey.

Thanks for stoppin by Reynolds. Appreciate your support. By the way, do you have a thread?

I think we are doing good too.
A two day break is doing some good things. She misses the kids and they miss her. I hate that to sound manipulative. Its a miniature Plan B in a way. Its just time for heads to cool.

Good emails, good dialogue. I am getting big fat "ILY tons" on the phone and good vibes on the phone. We are still on for a marriage retreat this weekend through church!!

NW, the Admiration in her eyes can be a beautiful thing. So can the attention and enthusiasm during a great conversation. My wife and I have had some, just some, connection during conversation. She admits she just got lost and swept away in coversation with OM.

Anyway, my point is... I am getting some SF since exposure, but still missing the loving eyes, the dreamy looks, the admiration and silly joy in her face. It hurts. I have been staring at her so longingly. I am lost in those eyes. My soul hangs on her every word. But its not returned back to me. I feel so rejected and unloved. I am heartbroken. That's the only word for it. Heartbroken.

I would trade a dozen SF encounters for that silly, longing, sappy, happy face returning the twinkle, stare and misty eyes at me just once.

Stretch... did you WATCH that video I linked to you in your other thread?

There was a reason that I linked that - an experience I created with FWW earlier on in recovery that turned the tables when it comes to SF.

There is a particular line in that segment that tells you everything. She states "I began to see myself through his eyes."

While your love and passion for your W through your marriage may have been the motivator for your attraction to her, for your higher SF need... she likely hasn't seen it the same way.

That does not make you a bad husband, or her a poor wife - it just makes you normal and misguided.

So, I want you to think about this; what can you do to demonstrate, to help your W see herself through your eyes?

FWW and I spent a couple nights in a KOA Kabin in a little mountain town here with just us. One of those nights I spent just relishing her.

Sadly enough, it was a day or two after I finally got the truth.

Maybe it was the combination... but I'll tell you it was a real turning point.

What can you do to instill intimacy into SF again?

Hey Stretch, no sorry I don�t have a thread. I introduced my wife to the site, so I took it down. Too much detail in there about snooping � including a couple of pastes of her emails for self pity � dumb but I needed the vent. Anyway sorry you can�t read it.
I have been checking in less frequently, but still follow your thread, Andys, Stuck and TotalD. I found it was good for me to not be on here so much, it was turning into hours and hours. So I have been just catching up every couple of days. Seems like you are doing fine, and Andy still hanging on too.
It�s a long road, I do wish I exposed in September (If Melody reads this she�ll kill me) cause we would be further along. But its good, wife is doing most of the plan by instinct. I think we are going to be married in ten years. Its on both of us to make it best we can, and that�s all the shot anyone ever gets.

Sorry for the TJ. You�re getting good advice Stretch so I don�t post a lot. But I am still here and if I have something I think will help you will hear it for sure.

Thanks Reynolds. I will probably take my thread down like Andy did and start over. Its painful to go back and read my state of mind four weeks ago.

I am spending hours and hours here. But I really do need it right now.

HHH,

Yes, I did watch that video. I always thought the monologues had good material and insight -- I never cared for her delivery. Something about her face and smirk. But getting past that, I was totally interested in what she said.

"So, I want you to think about this; what can you do to demonstrate, to help your W see herself through your eyes?"

I want her to see herself through my eyes. That would improve self esteem and depression. I will keep working on that.

As for the specific SF EN -- we have two versions. Long and quick. The long version is no simple act. Its extrememly connected. Its within her and within me to make SF much more intimate. She does understand how I feel about it.

Just remember that even 5 minutes snuck away mid day is and can be a demonstration of love and care, as well as just some raw passion.

Stretch - Hope that things are going relatively well at your end! Just thought I'd check your thread. I've been in my own little world lately.

So she came home yesterday afternoon. She had a good time caring for her mom after she got home from the hospital with the pneumonia. There is a lot for her and brother and neighbors to do to get mom on the mend. But it sure does sound like a good healing mom/daughter time.

She was so pleasant and cheerful while away, and again when she got home yesterday afternoon. The children, of course, all vied for mom's attention for hours. I saw her feel overwhelmed... "Going from one zone of constant responsibility with her mom to another zone of constant responsibility with the kids." There is just so little time for yourself and your relationship in this phase of life. Clearly when life was overwhelming and hubby was getting drained by his job the SAHM was very confused by the frustration. And see what happened??

Anyway, an update about us and the ugly words Sunday night.

We were engaged and connected when she got home like I said. She was very tender towards me. Yesterday evening, after the kids were in bed and the TV was off, I did say I was sorry and apologized for my words. Her response surprised me: She said, �Hmm. I didn�t expect that. You have a right to feel bad as you continue to realize things, and realize things weren�t as they seemed.�
I told her I was validated for my feelings everywhere I turned the last two days. But also very chastised for the words I used and the way I treated her.

So�. We both were in a position of remorse I believe and we both wanted to acknowledge the other one�s hurt and move forward.

I also said my IC's lines, �We cannot change anything from the past. Anything I did in 14yrs of marriage, what you did all 2009, or even what I said Sunday night.�

We seemed to be very close yesterday, last night, and again this morning. Felt like good healing. I have to continue to take it slowly.

Really looking forward to the marriage retreat this weekend.