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Not sure where to post this, but since I am recovering from my own ex-wife's infidelity, desertion, and divorce, I thought this might work.

Having stumbled across my own wife's affair a little over 2 years ago, I often thought "How could this person or that person not have told me what was going on?" They weren't people I was close to, but they were friendly acquaintances that knew what my wife was doing (mostly new friends of hers that seemed to like me).

Anyway, I just stumbled across what appears to be an affair between my brother's best friend and a married woman with whom I have a mutual friend. Granted, I haven't seen them together, but the guy has a Facebook account in a fake name with only one friend: this married woman.

My brother's friend is now known to have had at least one affair while he was married and had a history of cheating on girlfriends. He does not have a good track record.

I know this isn't rock-solid evidence, but having seen similar signs in my wife's affair and having read everything on the subject of infidelity on this website, I'd bet a lot of money that's what's going on here.

Finally, my questions:

1. Should I reveal this information to anyone? And if so, to whom? My brother's friend? I don't know him all that well and don't see him having a heart to heart conversation with me. My brother? He already knows his friend is a dirtbag and I don't really know what I'd expect him to do with the information (or what good would come from him asking his friend about it). Should I tell the unsuspecting husband that I do not know at all? No idea how he'd react and why should he listen to me? I almost certainly should not tell the friend I apparently share with the cheating wife, right? No idea how close they are or what that would do to our friendship...

2. If I should reveal it to anyone, should I try to do it anonymously? I certainly don't want an angry husband shooting the messenger. Any advice on how best to do that anonymously? Create a new email address without my name in it maybe?

I desperately want to do what's right and I think I would have liked someone to tell me (and sooner rather than later) and maybe I could have saved my marriage. That said, is it my business? I know a lot of people that would say it's not and I certainly don't want to make it my business, but what is my moral obligation here? What does the Bible say about tattling on adulterers? Thanks for any help you can provide.

Last edited by coolarmadillo; 03/25/11 01:22 AM.
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Not sure where to post this, but since I did a lot of investigating to uncover my own wife's affair and have now stumbled across what appears to be an affair between my brother's best friend and a married woman and more investigation may be in order (if the opinions I get suggest I should reveal this affair to someone), I thought this might work.

Having stumbled across my own wife's affair a little over 2 years ago, I often thought "How could this person or that person not have told me what was going on?" They weren't people I was close to, but they were friendly acquaintances that knew what my wife was doing (mostly new friends of hers that seemed to like me).

Anyway, I just stumbled across what appears to be an affair between my brother's best friend and a married woman with whom I have a mutual friend. Granted, I haven't seen them together, but the guy has a Facebook account in a fake name with only one friend: this married woman.

My brother's friend is now known to have had at least one affair while he was married and had a history of cheating on girlfriends. He does not have a good track record.

I know this isn't rock-solid evidence, but having seen similar signs in my wife's affair and having read everything on the subject of infidelity on this website, I'd bet a lot of money that's what's going on here.

Finally, my questions:

1. Should I reveal this information to anyone? And if so, to whom? My brother's friend? I don't know him all that well and don't see him having a heart to heart conversation with me. My brother? He already knows his friend is a dirtbag and I don't really know what I'd expect him to do with the information (or what good would come from him asking his friend about it). Should I tell the unsuspecting husband that I do not know at all? No idea how he'd react and why should he listen to me? I almost certainly should not tell the friend I apparently share with the cheating wife, right? No idea how close they are or what that would do to our friendship...

2. If I should reveal it to anyone, should I try to do it anonymously? I certainly don't want an angry husband shooting the messenger. Any advice on how best to do that anonymously? Create a new email address without my name in it maybe?

I desperately want to do what's right and I think I would have liked someone to tell me (and sooner rather than later) and maybe I could have saved my marriage. That said, is it my business? I know a lot of people that would say it's not and I certainly don't want to make it my business, but what is my moral obligation here? What does the Bible say about tattling on adulterers? Thanks for any help you can provide.

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Not sure where to post this, but since I have survived my own ex-wife's infidelity, desertion, and divorce, I thought this might work. I'm mainly asking if I should do what I wish others would have done for me? Am I supposed to reveal an affair I know someone else is having or am I meddling in someone else's life? Does finding out from someone else particularly hurt the chances this couple has at reconciling?

Having stumbled across my own wife's affair a little over 2 years ago, I often thought "How could this person or that person not have told me what was going on?" They weren't people I was close to, but they were friendly acquaintances that knew what my wife was doing (mostly new friends of hers that seemed to like me).

Anyway, I just stumbled across what appears to be an affair between my brother's best friend and a married woman with whom I have a mutual friend. Granted, I haven't seen them together, but the guy has a Facebook account in a fake name with only one friend: this married woman.

My brother's friend is now known to have had at least one affair while he was married and had a history of cheating on girlfriends. He does not have a good track record.

I know this isn't rock-solid evidence, but having seen similar signs in my wife's affair and having read everything on the subject of infidelity on this website, I'd bet a lot of money that's what's going on here.

Finally, my questions:

1. Should I reveal this information to anyone? And if so, to whom? My brother's friend? I don't know him all that well and don't see him having a heart to heart conversation with me. My brother? He already knows his friend is a dirtbag and I don't really know what I'd expect him to do with the information (or what good would come from him asking his friend about it). Should I tell the unsuspecting husband that I do not know at all? No idea how he'd react and why should he listen to me? I almost certainly should not tell the friend I apparently share with the cheating wife, right? No idea how close they are or what that would do to our friendship...

2. If I should reveal it to anyone, should I try to do it anonymously? I certainly don't want an angry husband shooting the messenger. Any advice on how best to do that anonymously? Create a new email address without my name in it maybe?

I desperately want to do what's right and I think I would have liked someone to tell me (and sooner rather than later) and maybe I could have saved my marriage. That said, is it my business? I know a lot of people that would say it's not and I certainly don't want to make it my business, but what is my moral obligation here? What does the Bible say about tattling on adulterers? Thanks for any help you can provide.

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Yes!

We exposed someone else's affair and we didn't even know the couple it was a friend of a friends wife who was cheating on her husband.

Wheels and I does NOT feel sorry at all that we did this.

What you will be doing is saving that married woman's husband a chance to have a say on his marriage either he wants out or to save it, so you will be doing him A HUGE FAVOR if you let him know.

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I would have definitely appreciated somebody anybody telling me my wife was having an affair. Tell the married womans husband, prob anonymously is best. That's my opinion

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In our case, the OW had had a previous affair at work. The OWH found out about it, but did not expose the affair. A mere couple of months later, OW and my H started an affair. I always think that if the OW's first affair had been exposed, the second one would not have happened. In my husband's case, at least two people at work approached my H and/or OW and asked them if they were having an affair. Of course, they both denied it and the affair continued on for a few more months before the A was widely exposed at work. At least now, the other people in the office are forewarned about this particular woman. My H retired.

So, my opinion is to definitely expose the affair. Sooner is better.

My opinion about how to approach this is:
1. Print off the facebook information about the fake name and OW friend.
2. If you do not know already, find out the name and contact information for the OW's husband.
3. Call the OWH, identify yourself and why you are calling. Briefly, tell him about your own experience (that you would have wanted someone to tell you) and what you know about your brother's friend. Identifying yourself provides credability. You are not just some crack pot looking to make trouble for someone.
4. Refer OWH to Dr. Harley's books and this site. There are a series of threads about how to investigate a spouse in a suspected affair, as well as information about how to expose the affair and recover the marriage, should the husband choose to do so.

I am sorry you had this personal experience in your life, but am glad you have the character and integrity to call attention to a wrong when you see one.

AM


BW - 65
WH - 60
M - 35 years
D-day - 17 Apr 08
DD - 44, DS - 30, DS - 23
H broke contact 11/1/09
Back in love after the worst thing that every happened to us.
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Three letters, one word - YES

Follow the advice given.

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You don't have a lot of "hard" evidence, but probably enough to raise the concern of most folks.

Does this "brother's best friend" have a significant other - wife, live-in, long-time gf - to whom his actions are a betrayal?

Obviously the "married woman" has a husband who would presumably feel the same way.

Since you don't know them well, and you're not in intimate proximity to the two parties, you're right in trying to maintain some level of isolation in the revalation you're about to make.

I like the idea of a private e-address for this action on your part, but that presupposes you have the e-addresses of the soon-to-be-notified. If not, you'll have to go the route of an anonomous letter. By either medium the contents should be on the order of "Here is some information you might need. Check out the following facebook account...... If you need more information, e-mail me at (private e-address)."

Anyway, just my thoughts......

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The BH needs to hear it from your lips. Just stating the facts without explaining them will not help him to see clearly.

Same for the OM's BW/GF.

Telling the truth is not bad.

The OM and WW will get upset. This is proof of what they are doin is wrong. If their actions were above board there would not be a need for them so sneak around.

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I agree with TR. I had a few little red flags here and there but allowed my husband to explain everything away until I heard it directly from the betrayed husband's mouth. That did it. And yes, I too wondered why all these people never told me anything even though they knew. Those people were immediately cut out of our lives for good because I felt that their omission was tantamount to lying.


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YES YES YES.

Exposing this affair is the decent and right thing to do.

I believe, when someone asks this question, they actually already know the answer.

You would have wanted someone else to expose your WSs A, so DO IT.

I have done it a few times in my life, and once I didn't do it until after the BS had already found out, guess which one I REGRET?

It shouldn't be done anonymously.

If you NEED to do it anonymously(for fear of PHYSICAL harm), you can find an effective way to do it.

Gotta jet, but I am CERTAIN that others will be along to help you through this as well.

DO THE RIGHT THING. EXPOSE EXPOSE EXPOSE.


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

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Yes. Omission of the truth is but a Lie. It is your Moral obligation to bring to the light this possibly ugly thing that hides in the dark.
I would arrange a lunch with the WWs Husband and give him my knowledge and detailed instructions on snooping and a link to this site.
If theres nothing to it great. But as a husband I would want ANYONE to tell me and if they had a intel and battle plan I would listen intently

Last edited by onemoretime; 03/25/11 09:00 AM.

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the whole world is supposed to sit by and do nothing when someone is having an A. The sad thing is that this has become a reasonable expectation. If more people exposed affairs there would be a whole lot fewer affairs.

Blow it up, use your name and then go home, have a nice meal and sleep like a baby.


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@Never Guessed:
Brother's Best Friend just got divorced (in some part over at least one affair he's had...whether it was this one or not, I'm not sure. Based on the age of the fake FB account (about 3 months) and how newly married the girl is (year and a half or so), I would guess this is a different girl. He's been divorced for 6 months or so and the affair I know he had was at least a year or two ago. But that's all speculation. To my knowledge, there's not a significant other that could be hurt by him...certainly not a spouse. Don't have email addresses for the husband and wife, but like I said, we do have a mutual friend and I found them both on Facebook...don't know how to notify them completely anonymously through her or on Facebook though. Don't have an address to send a letter either though.

@NeverGuessed and TheRoad:
I don't know that I should put any of my own interpretation on it, but I do think getting the info to the husband is probably the right thing to do.

New question:
Being that this is a life-long friend of my brother that I and he both love and care about, does he deserve any kind of a heads-up that someone is on to him and he needs to straighten up before this other guy comes looking for him and does anything crazy?

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I think exposing something like this is a good thing, it shows you are a true friend and it shows that you think the person you are telling is worth something to you and that you think they deserve to be able to make your own decisions about what is happening to their lives...........It's not right to just sit back and watch, how is that going to make you feel......I agree with fight4life. It might be okay with a lot of people but it's not with a whole lot of us...........
I was told by my husband's OW's husband I'm glad he gave me the information. I deserved to be told, I'm glad he did the right thing to let me chose how I handled things............It was hard to hear...........


BW 56
WH 57
Married 25 years, live together for 2, dated 2 years before that.....
DS 23, DS 25
D-Day Nov 23/09
NC Mar 1/10
Working on Recovery
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PLEASE DO NOT GIVE A HEAD'S UP.

You should just expose this and let what happens, happen.

Your brother's "friend" WILL be angry. Active Waywards don't make very good friends. Waywards tend not to be very good people, while they remain wayward. Look at this as also a favour to your brother's friend, so he can fix his own life.


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
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You should expose to the husband. If you're concerned about his reaction, create a new email or facebook page and use that to contact him.

Your evidence is pretty flimsy. I don't know that you should say she's having an affair since you don't actually know that. You can say you think something suspicious is going on and that this forum can give him tips on how to snoop to find out the truth.

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If it were me, and I wanted to do this anonymously, because I am a big old chicken?


Open a fake facebook acct.
Find the FB acct for the OW's hubby.
Message him with a link to the FB account you found, along with the information you know.


Done. He can see for HIMSELF that the site exists.


Include the information that MB exists, that he should spy first, and figure out why the two of them have this FB for themselves, allllllll alone.


Or, if you are brave enough, you can call the man, tell him you are sending him the link on FB, and let him go from there.


Lots of ways to do this.



It needs to be done.


AND NO WAY DO YOU DARE GIVE YOUR FRIEND A HEADS-UP. He would tell the woman, and she would gaslight the hubby, they would collapse the FB acct, and he would be left exactly where he is


with a cheating, lying, sneaky wife who will not tell him the truth.



You can do this.


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No heads up to friend, you said yourself hes a serial.

Expose the crap out of him. There were people who know or suspected in my case. They could have changed the course of my life and saved me from six months of living h***.


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The OP is a bit like saying, "I'm watching a person I know get robbed, from the safety of my apartment window. Should I do something or just watch? I don't want to get INVOLVED or embarrass anyone..."

This is a no-brainer. It's only difficult because our cultural programming has conditioned us now to "mind our own business", which is nice if you don't want to get your hands dirty in life, but when you're the one being robbed, it's amazing how fast you want someone to intervene for YOU.

Hope this helps you do the only right thing.


Formerly ConfuzedHusband
BH
WW (Now XW)
Married 4 years, No children.
EA/PA from 2/2008 to 5/2008.
DDay: 5/17/2008 - Separated 6/1/2008 - Filed 8/3/2008
Divorce final 3/2009.

Now in a committed relationship with a woman of character who loves me so much better and deeper than I ever dreamed possible. I had no idea what I was missing out on and am so grateful God gave me a free "second chance" at love and life.

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