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Jim_Flint #2492217 03/24/11 12:03 PM
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It can't be "business as usual" when an A threatens to destroy your M. Your H needs to take Jim's advice. There is a H U G E price to pay for adultery. His other practice will just have to wait.


Me: FBH (2010) and FWH (1996): 40
Her: FWW and FBW: 40

2011: In recovery

A's are merely chocolate-covered cancer lollipops.
Wisertoday #2492220 03/24/11 12:07 PM
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This affair NEEDS to be exposed at work and to the OWH

and if they lose their job it's not because of you its because of their behavior.

"You can always choose your actions, BUT YOU CAN NOT CHOOSE the CONSEQUENCES!!"

Jim_Flint #2492265 03/24/11 01:35 PM
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Thanks again for all of the advice. Honestly, if I hadn't found this board and listened to the advice of people who had been here before, I would never have even found out about the current A or probably a couple of the past A's.

I'm going to ask him to resign at work. He's obviously not strong enough to deal with seeing the OW every day. And I'm going to let OW's husband know (I have to wait until he's back in town on Monday, because otherwise I'm not sure how to get in touch with him.).

Here's the newest development that I just don't know how to handle: he came home during lunch today to see me. I had gotten so out of my mind from the lack of sleep, not being able to eat, emotional stress, that I started drinking just before he got here. When he arrived, ready to be sweet and thinking I would be, too, I said some things out of frustration that I wouldn't have if I were sober. (This is NOT a common thing, by the way. It is extremely out of character for me to drink at all, but I didn't know how to deal with my emotions today.) WH got pretty upset that I was being unfriendly. Honestly, I feel like I have a right to be as hateful as I want, but he asserted that I have plenty of faults and haven't had to deal with any more trauma than he has. So, again, he's displacing the blame, even though I brought on the defensiveness.

Also, he mentioned that OW has called him several times today, but that he hasn't answered his phone. (He sent her NC letter this morning.) He has also texted me many times today, asking me how I am and just chatting. I'm glad he's putting forth some effort with this (one of my main issues for a long time is that he never talks to me or tells me anything), but I'm having a really hard time not being bitter.


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PurpleAlligator,
What you are feeling is all normal.
I think you have to hang on to the positives here,
You husband has sent the OW a NC letter and has not returned her calls, this is a good thing, I would suggest he changes his phone # or find a way to block hers from his phone.......
He has called you many times today to check on you, this is also a good thing. right now just make sure you thank him for his thoughtfulness and his efforts.
You can't expect everything to heal in a day, it takes time, you will be sad, you will be angry, you will be disappointed and you will even be happy and today should be one of those days where you see a little positive joy.........his actions today.........don't look to much into the past or the future just live for today and the comforts you feel that day.........let your new relationship evolve, don't force, don't stop it........embrace what has been missing, if you keep yourself in a bitter place you will miss all the good........
Don't worry about the drinks I've been know to use a glass of wine or two as a anxiety med myself..............just don't let it confuse your good judgement, it will make you more emotional..............
jessi


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Originally Posted By: Purplealligator
...he asserted that I have plenty of faults and haven't had to deal with any more trauma than he has...


Sorry, but someone who has had an A does not have the right to blame shift. You have suffered the trauma similar to a rape. Has he been raped lately?


Me: FBH (2010) and FWH (1996): 40
Her: FWW and FBW: 40

2011: In recovery

A's are merely chocolate-covered cancer lollipops.
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Pa, nonono. Do NOT drink to mask your pain! Especially during the day! You need to keep your wits about you! naughty

So your WH sent OW an NC letter, did he? I'm willing to bet that he is lying, which is something waywards are very good at doing. This is why we suggest that the betrayed spouse mail the letter.

When WH gets home tonight, you need to ask him to write that letter again. YOU review it, YOU approve it, and YOU mail it. NOT HIM.


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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jessitaylor - you're absolutely right, I'm letting my bitterness cause me to miss out on the little victories, and I need to work on that. And I asked him about switching phones for now, but apparently it's his work cell she's calling, so it can't just be switched. He turned it off.

wisertoday - halelujah! he just admitted on the phone that what he did was worse! (this is a small miracle)

maritalbliss - the drinking was a bad idea and won't happen again. Also, I asked him to write the letter (using my guidelines) and email it to her AND me. He thought the equivolent of this was to tell me what it said and just mail it to her (then delete the sent email because it was from his work account). I explained to him that this was in no way even remotely acceptable. He was mad at first, saying he was making a huge effort and I just wouldn't accept any of it. After we talked about it, he understood that I can't trust him right now, and I think he's ready for a do-over. (I hope.)


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Quote:
After we talked about it, he understood that I can't trust him right now, and I think he's ready for a do-over. (I hope.)

Pa, it's important that he handwrite the NC letter, for a couple of reasons:
1. The OW may not accept that he actually wrote it if it's an email.
2. Handwriting it is a show of commitment to YOU. It should be that important to him.


D-Day 2-10-2009
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Thank you Marriage Builders!

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I guess I have a different opinion on the NC letter ~ I don't see the point if they are still working together. If they are still working together it will be a matter of time before the A reignites... I would personally focus on getting him to leave the job and lining up a Plan B in the event that he won't leave. Once he leaves, then demand the NCL.

Purple, I am worried about the drinking. Have you read up on Plan B yet? Women can suffer nervous breakdowns from Plan A. Dr Harley only recommends it for about 3 weeks, and I believe your situation is compounded by the fact that you have recently learned of three affairs.

While saving the M is a goal, what is more important is protecting your mental health by not enduring much more of this abuse if he will not make these changes to protect you. I have a post in mind for you written by a vet (SMB) on this, I will be back.


Ddays 2007 and 2011
Plan B 6/21/11
Divorced July 2012
2 kids
How to Plan B Correctly
Parallel Parenting in Plan B
SusieQ #2492320 03/24/11 03:43 PM
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Written by sexymamabear:

Have you read this?

What are Plan A and Plan B?


Have you read Surviving an Affair? What other MB materials have you read?

You will have to become focused and completely self-controlled from this point on. You cannot let your emotions dictate your actions any longer. You cannot let your fear be the decision maker.

I recently spoke personally with Dr. Harley about Plan A and B. Here is what he emailed me:

Originally Posted By: Dr. Harley

The problem that most women face who should be going into plan B is that it won't save their marriage. It simply saves them so that if their husband comes out of the fog, they will not be seriously damaged. But they want to do something that will bring their marriage back and don't want to let go. It's like trying to save a drowning child. At what point should you let go? Most parents would rather go down with their child. My advice is to keep plan A short (3 weeks max) for women, and women I counsel usually do that. But it's a tough decision to make because the husband may divorce them while in Plan B, tempting them to blame themselves. Husbands may even tell them later that the separation was what made him divorce her (shifting blame on to her). Having personal experience with this issue may help you make that point with women who are facing the biggest crisis of their lives.


I stayed in Plan A too long. I suffered much emotional trauma because of that. Although we have recovered our marriage, I dealt with many triggers and memories that I could have avoided by being in Plan B. The damage caused when a BS avoids Plan B makes recovery much more difficult if the WS ever does comes out of the fog.

You are allowing yourself to drown with the marriage. Your emotional health has suffered significantly. I understand this. I've been there, too. It is time for you to get yourself healthy. You are way overdue for Plan B.

Are you willing to go completely no contact with your husband until he agrees to meet your requirements for marital recovery? Are you willing to not see or talk to him even if he tries to contact you?

This is your best chance at healing yourself and giving your marriage the best chance to recover.


Ddays 2007 and 2011
Plan B 6/21/11
Divorced July 2012
2 kids
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Parallel Parenting in Plan B
SusieQ #2492327 03/24/11 04:09 PM
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maritalbliss - I see your point, but honestly I'd rather he email it so she gets it immediately. She won't be back home for days (she's out of town for a conference).

susieQ - getting him out of that office is a huge priority for me. He has put a rush on some paperwork that must be completed before he can switch full-time to the other job, and we're hoping it will be finalized Monday so that we can get the ball rolling. I asked him about using his vacation time when OW comes back to the office, but he says he only has one day left (I don't want to think about where the other time has gone.). He tells me that he will be able to avoid her completely when she gets back and that he doesn't think she'll try to catch him in the office because they would be fired immediately if anyone suspected anything, but she's been calling and emailing him all day, and I think she's pretty desperate - I wouldn't be surprised if she makes a scene and they both have to pack up and go first thing Monday morning. I told him I don't want him to be there at all, but he insists that we need the money to support ourselves. (Jim mentioned that we probably had some savings for starting the new practice, but it's already invested, so we really do need the money right now.) He also is really hurt that I won't believe he's ready to end it with her. I've told him he's got a long road ahead of him before I can believe anything he says at all, but he just insists that he's "100% devoted" and loves me and won't speak to her again.

It's heart-wrenching to look at him and see that he's trying now (constantly updating me, coming home for lunch, taking me along for out-of-town work last night, trying to get me eating and sleeping well again...)but still have to say, "Sorry, pal, I don't beleive you."

And about the drinking - as I said, this is seriously, seriously not like me and won't happen again, but thanks for the concern. I am getting worried about my mental and physical health, though. I've had a couple of panic attacks and can't sleep or keep any food down (since Sunday evening). WH is really trying to take care of me on this front, but it's like my body has just gone completely haywire. Is this something you guys have experienced? Does it settle down after a while?

As far as plan B goes, I'm not clear on it yet, though I read about Plan A.


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Okay, now I've done my homework on Plan B. I had already read a good deal of the info on this site, but have been having trouble concentrating and letting things sink in.

I only found out about the As beginning Sunday evening (learned about two that day, hinted at another the next day, learned for sure about two more yesterday). And I've not been good about keeping my emotions in check or being a good Plan A participant. I'd like to try it really in earnest before I go on to Plan B. Honestly, I cannot even imagine going no contact with WH. There's no way that would work with him. He'd be gone in an instant. And I definitely see what you're saying about saving myself while I have the chance, but to be truthful with you guys, I'd go down with the drowning child, and I'd probably choose to go down with the WH. I know it's nuts, but I can't see myself turning my back...


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Please read up on Plan B, please. I have provided you two links in the last two days.

Please do not take on the responsibility of how he will have to manage this mess. Let him figure it out but make it clear that it is unacceptable for him to continue working with the OW.

After dday, I had heart palpitations and lost a lot of weight fast. I think this is a very normal reaction to extreme stress. Have you considered ADs? I believe Dr Harley does recommend this for BSs.


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Originally Posted By: Purplealligator
Okay, now I've done my homework on Plan B. I had already read a good deal of the info on this site, but have been having trouble concentrating and letting things sink in.


Good girl smile

This is completely normal. When I got here, my head was just spinning. I had to re-read and bookmark things and take notes. I had Plan A notes that I had to read several times I day because I couldn't even think straight. Re-read later. Hang in there.

[[[[PD}]]]]]


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Originally Posted By: Purplealligator

pokerface, I'm terrified that he's just hiding it better now. How can he see someone every day at work who he has had this relationship with (he said the relationship was not about the sex like the others, that was just an added thing, but it was about their feelings for each other) and be strong enough not to fall back into it? He does plan to leave this job, but it may be weeks before he can do that. As someone who's been there, what should I watch for now? How do I know he isn't just going further underground?


Exposure to OW husband at the very minimum. He will watch her like a hawk.

Hang in there.


ME: BW
HIM: FWH
Married 18 yrs
DDay 09/2008 and 12/2008

Recovered

pokerface #2492535 03/25/11 12:52 PM
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Alright, I have a new problem (don't they ever stop coming???). I was going to call OW's husband, but I just learned that he is a jealous military sniper who has been in live combat, actually killed people, and suffers from post-traumatic stress disorder in which he occassionally has a 'break' from reality! I can't tell this man my WH has been sleeping with his wife! Has anyone had a situation similar to this? Where a wayward is put in physical danger if they are exposed?

I have been turning over in my head whether to expose to their boss as well. This company is notoriously bad for rumor-spreading and leaking personal information, so anything I tell him will be known by all. The bad thing here is that if my husband is ever to have a successful practice in our area again, the word can't get out about what he's done. It would undoubtedly kill his career. And moving away from here isn't an option because we have small children who are extremely close to their grandparents and great-grandparents and taking them away from these close relationships isn't something I want to do.

I'm so stressed. I feel stuck. I can't stand not telling OW's husband about this - he deserves to know the truth - but I can't risk WH's life. And I can't ruin a career that he's worked so hard to build in order to take care of our family.

On top of all of this, the OW came home early from her conference and went to the office yesterday to give WH some information she'd been gathering for a client of his. He said their only contact was in a room full of people who have been clueless about the A, but it's so frustrating that she keeps calling and is now stopping by.

Other than the inability to expose and the harasment from the OW, things are much better. Our relationship doesn't feel touch-and-go and this point. We're both working hard and reaching out to help each other along. We're talking more openly than we ever had about everything from emotional needs to hobbies to sex. I feel like we're really making progress, we just need to hurry and get him out of that office...


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If you do not tell the OWH and HR you will never recover...if that is what you want then by all means do no expose the affair. You might as well divorce the guy because of how much pain you will be in knowing that they still work together.

But if you truly want to recover this marriage then the only thing that is stopping you is you telling these two crucial people. Really? You are going to let two people stop you to have a successful marriage?

Let me ask you this is his job more important than your marriage? If not then what are you afraid of? Because I guarantee the A will continue it will just go deeper underground, and you WILL lose your husband.

Right now you have nothing to lose.

And if it does ruin his career it will NEVER BE YOUR FAULT!! They need those consequences if they don't have any then he will have another affair in the future.

Let me ask you again is your husbands career more important then your marriage?

And don't worry about the OWH if you are worried about it that bad then get a restraining order against him, but I doubt there is any threat there at all. How did you find all this out? Did your husband tell you?

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Carry on and expose this to her husband, don't look for reasons not to do what you must do, there is always a reason not to expose theirs is one reason to expose - your marriage. You do not know the OWH personally do not let hearsay or doubt get in the way.


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Originally Posted By: Purplealligator
Alright, I have a new problem (don't they ever stop coming???). I was going to call OW's husband, but I just learned that he is a jealous military sniper who has been in live combat, actually killed people, and suffers from post-traumatic stress disorder in which he occassionally has a 'break' from reality!


Purple, my H's OW's fiance was a police officer and supposedly a very abusive mean man. If you can believe it, I almost felt sorry for the OW when I heard all about him. When I got here, I quickly found out this is VERY VERY common tale the OW tells.

Unless you have independently verified this, you cannot trust this information.

Besides, even if it IS true, he didn't deserve this treatment and abuse from your H and the OW and needs to know what is being done to him behind his back.


Ddays 2007 and 2011
Plan B 6/21/11
Divorced July 2012
2 kids
How to Plan B Correctly
Parallel Parenting in Plan B
Xau #2492545 03/25/11 01:04 PM
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You are either going to FIND A WAY....or your either going to find an excuse.....

Lets be done with all these excuses shall we? laugh

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