My wife has had two affairs in the last year. I won't bore you with a year's worth of details, but needless to say it has dragged on and on. The first was a one-time thing, but the second has been ongoing and really in my face.

I know I won't get any sympathy for reluctance to expose, which is probably why I didn't post sooner. But it's becoming clear to me that exposure is my only hope of killing the affair. I've tried just about every other thing I could think of.

I've had some pretty candid talks with my wife about her affair. Fortunately, I've not been the doormat. She just doesn't seem to care what I say about it. She'll say she doesn't want to see OM anymore, but later it's obvious that she did. And she'll admit to it if confronted.

As I said, I don't really want this to be all about me and my woes. Not yet at least. My real question is this...
We were talking earlier today via skype (she's deployed) and she shared some thoughts about suicide. When I pressed, she said that she isn't considering it, doesn't have a plan, etc. After all is said and done, I don't think she's actually suicidal. I think she's just really depressed.

My question is this... have you guys ever heard of suicidal tendencies coming from exposure? I clearly wouldn't want to do anything to push her over any kind of edge or anything. And maybe I'm being an idiot for not addressing the mental stability thing first. It just seems so circular to me -- her depression began when I found out about her affair. So now she's depressed (caused by affair), but won't quit the affair either. I don't know how to address mental stability without first ditching the affair. Any ideas?

Maybe I should take care of both at once -- notify her chain of command of everything all at once. I'm up for any other ideas, too. Thanks for reading. I made this waaay longer than I wanted to.

And UNFORTUNATELY, if you haven't yet exposed and you've been dealing with 2 affairs in a YEAR, then you are pretty much the definition of a doormat. But that can change real quick.

I haven't heard of this, but it's a common excuse to manipulate and scare someone so it wouldn't be shocking.


Yes, expose the A. My husband was "depressed" during his A too.

His depression was completely lifted when I exposed and ended the A for him. He has not been depressed like that since the A.

Your best bet is to expose and it sounds like you already know that. I'd get on this TODAY, before your W's depression gets worse.

She is depressed because she knows she is acting morally reprehensibly and she cannot stand herself. She needs your help to end the A so her depression will go away.

I think you should read this.

Especially:

As someone who has attempted suicide (and no, it wasn't a "ploy"), that word is something I take VERY seriously. But I think you are right.....her depression is likely coming from knowing she is doing something that is very very wrong. And as long as she is doing it, the depression will not lift.

I believe that strategic exposure might actually help her. Especially if, in a straightforward letter or phone call, you not only tell of the A but also mention that you believe the stress is having an affect on her mental health and she may need to be monitored. I would think being in a position where she is constantly in the presence of military personnel and maybe in close quarters could be a protection for her.

It is very very possible that she threw that word out there for shock value or to get you to back off. A lot of people do that. Some attempt it.......and some of those succeed. Personally, I would hate to think that my cynicism might cause me to blow off something that could be life changing....or life ENDING for another human being. But again, it seems the A is the catalyst for all this depression, and exposure in a controlled environment like the one she is in could be exactly what she needs. The longer she is living this cycle of horrible choices, the worse she will get.

Mikey, many wayward spouses contemplate suicide as a way out of the terrible thing they have gotten themselves into. Take her comments seriously, as you always should when someone talks about suicide.

I suspect her comments about suicide are a cry for help. She needs help to get out of the morass that she's gotten herself into. She's letting you know that.

Suicidal tendencies don't come from exposure. She is asking for relief from her actions and doesn't know how to do so on her own. Exposure to kill the A will help her, IMO.

Fwiw, my wxh also threatened suicide once.

And it was after I caught him.

And he threatened it a second time, after he was particularly nasty to me and yelled and screamed at me (during his affair).

My xh has NEVER done it.

Why? He is a narcissist. Most in an affair are in a narcissistic situation. But it's also a combination of self loathing (because what they ARE doing is awful and evil), lies, and the feelings of addiction (from the affair).

I believe it was for shock value like Tawandabelle said, to throw you off and my xh did it for sheer MANIPULATION. He wanted me to feel sorry for him, to see how "horribly confused and torn (his words" he was. And poor pitiful man, he could not do any of it.

Also as a former psych minor (minor degree) I learned in college those that threaten it alot aren't usually the ones who do it. It's usually out of the blue, or maybe they don't verbalize it.

Also, my xfil threatened suicide when he was also caught in an affair. My xmil had the police kick in the door of their hunting cabin (where he went) to "rescue" him.

He did nothing also. He was just caught cheating and wanted to BLAME something other than his own actions. He wanted to have nobody come down hard on him for his affair. He wanted to blame "his suicidal tendencies" or something like that.

Again, that person is also alive and well.

I think it is simply a case of manipulation. And also confusion on their part. But also a way to AVOID their feeling any blame over the affair and maybe trying to get their way (get back into the affair).

You see, they want to deep down keep that addiction going (the affair) but know they can't if the BS is in the know about everything. Thus, something has to happen somehow.

After exposure bomb goes off, the WS has all these things floating in their minds, but I'd bet many of them want to find ways to keep the affair going, and also to keep the BS, and try to find balance between the affair secret fantasy life vs. their marriage and real life.

How to do this? My experience w/my xh and xfil tells me it is to pretend to be suicidal or do something very very rash and outlandish to divert attention from them (them being a wayward person who MUST choose and has to make the decision of marriage vs. affair)and onto how they can keep both going.

If you think your WS is suicidal, you might not come down hard on them, or as hard as you might be. YOu might not press them as hard to end the affair. Or maybe you'd back off of them altogether and let them have as much time to cake eat as they wish (what the secret desire of the WS is!).

Affairs are egotistical. Self-centered. The real opposite of what true love (and Biblical love) is to be. You cannot kill yourself if you put yourself first in all of your actions. An affairee is basically in 24/7/365 "All Me All the Time" mode and selfish to the extreme.

Or it could be b/c they're suidical FEELING because they are going to have to go "cold turkey" without their affair drug and the feelings it generates. Like those who feel they want to die without their heroin or that alcohol.

But truly, I don't believe a wayward is suicidal. My .02 on that.

ITA. Totally.

FWIW..My WW confessed the same feelings about a week ago - immediately following exposure. It was a moment of clarity IMHO.

Mine did. Off and on for about three months after exposure. He did not harm himself. It was scary and dramatic and in the end, made me very angry.

Just wanted to add, if there are other actions showing REAL depression do as MB Lovebanker suggested and contact 911 or immediate authorities to help w/the matter.

However, in the case of my xwh, it was not because he wanted help or out of the affair, but b/c he was using the blame of the suicide "feelings" as a tool to dodge and duck from blame, and for him to get feelings of kindness and empathy from me, and for me to back off and let him "deal with his problems" which was one thing he said. His saying "let me deal with my problems now..I'm so sad and don't feel like going on" really mean.."Let me DO WHAT I WANT. You won't let me carry on the affair anymore and I am going to do whatever I can to rattle your cage to make you back off!"

Mike, I think your best bet is to plan and execute a strategic exposure and really work the MB plans. Because any speculation we or you might have about whether your W is "really suicidal or it's just a ploy" is just that, speculation. the only one who knows about that for sure is her....just like I was the only one who knew about me.

Figuring out her suicidal comments' authenticity is just a speculative (albiet theraputic I guess) distraction. Do MB, and be sure to alert the CO to her suicide comment.

Mikey10,

Military has taken a strong stance in getting help for their soldiers.

Even though I am not military I am located at a Military facility and we had training this past year in recognizing signs of suicide. This training came out an increase in suicides i nthe military these past few years.

You need to contact her CO to notify how she has been mentioning suicide but also need to expose especially if the A is with another direct report. They will get her the help she needs and to discipline her if required.

I think this is great advice. You can never tell if a WS is playing the suicide card, so it is best to call 911 if non-military or the CO if they are military. This way, they get help if they are serious and if they aren't, they will learn to not play the suicide card. WW's are notorious drama queens and "victims" but its better to be safe than sorry.