This isn't always true...silence bothers my H MUCH more than it bothers me. He can't stand it and will talk about nothing just so there's no silence.

You see, markos's "silence" was so not the point.

He wasn't "silent". He silently RAGED at Prisca. He ignored her because she was upset at finding out how long he had left a bill and it's reminders - until there was no water for the family, including a bottle-fed baby.

This isn't Markos at all. We are actually opposites of the typical male/female stereotypes. Markos is VERY talkative and I am very quiet (take a look at our post counts!). When Markos is quiet, it means something is very, very wrong.

That was more than unfair. That was abuse. He wasn't angry at himself. He was angry at me -- in my face yelling with a horrid look of rage in his eyes. He was going to throw me out, no matter what it took.

I still shake when I think of it. I have never been so scared.

It was also more than thoughtless mistake. It was neglect -- not only of me, but of my children. It was a huge LB. And his reaction when I pointed it out was an even bigger LB.

Me telling him that he is making feel insecure should not have made ANY situation volatile. I am not going to take the blame for his inability to control his own DJs and AOs. That will not help me, and it will not help him.

Markos seems to be holding a huge amount of resentment towards me. What should I do?

What is he resentful of?

I think he resentful of everything I have put him through.

Why not ask him instead of guessing?

Tell him we've suggested you ask him and that he needs to be honest about it if you are going to solve anything.

BTW, it's manipulative for him to hold a grudge and not tell you what is wrong.

When I asked him what he was resentful of, this is what he told me: "Well, last year hurt me pretty badly. But I feel like we're moving forward, and I feel like those feelings will fade as we do."
Which really didn't tell me much.

But then he started talking a lot about my DJs. He seems hypersensitive to anything that even looks like a DJ right now. I found this on resentment:


I have been worried that the reason he blew up at me is because he has been letting resentment build these last several months. I heard resentment in his words all day that day. But, really, the only time he sounds resentful is when he says I'm Lovebusting.

So, I guess the problem is not really resentment, but that we have yet to complete recovery.

He's hurting, folks.

I don't think you should have doubted his word on this. Did you do that? If so, that was pretty insulting and most definitely a DJ.

Of course he is...I am a BS too and I know that the hurt can be very bad.

This doesn't excuse his LBers though, just as my hurt hasn't excused my LBers.

Not too long ago my H has been feeling VERY down, for reasons he couldn't pinpoint. Rather than jumping straight to meds to help his moods, I suggested we both put in 150% effort for 2 weeks into REALLY eliminating LBers and meeting ENs. I wasn't sure this was going to work since he says it's not the M that has him feeling down, but I thought it couldn't hurt. Even when you are working the program, it's really easy to sloooowly slide into complacency ~ things were far from "bad" but we had room to improve. We had gotten a little lazy.

It's been well past the 2 weeks now and so far he has not brought up ADs again. We are both happier. We just refused to LB each other, pick on each other, DJ each other, make snide remarks...even the little tiny bit that had been occurring prior to this.

We both had to let our resentments, hurt feelings, disappointments go...in order to move on. We're still surprised at how a little pact like "let's work REALLY hard for 2 weeks and see what that does" can do. And we weren't even in a bad place!

Somebody has to start. I am sure Markos is reading this too, so that goes for both of you.

He's been hurting a long time. Silently. Because of me.
AOs are never the answer, and I do feel shattered over that. But he is getting the help he needs to overcome anger.

He's hurting. You were all betrayed once ... Be gentle.

I did not think he was lying to me, but what he said didn't line up with what I saw. So I continued to ask questions to try to understand more.

Do you think he thought I doubted him?

We were posting at the same time

No, I don't excuse his LB in the least bit! But he is honestly trying. He was devastated when He realized what he'd done after the AO.

Sounds like what I've been trying for the past 4 weeks. My problem: I don't always see my DJs, and even after he tells me that I've DJ'd him, I still don't see it.

Double Post

This is exactly what I've been trying to clear up. It sometimes sounds like Markos believes something is a DJ when it isn't.

You telling him he was resentful when he says he wasn't, IS a DJ. Other things...I'm not so sure.

What was he doing/saying that led you to believe he was resentful? I think I might know but want to hear it from you before I say anything more.

Prisca, be careful with this...just because we have all been betrayed does not give us the right to have AOs. Or any other LBer for that matter.

No one should be gentle when someone is emotionally/verbally abusive. We weren't gentle on you when your EA was admitted and that was emotional abuse.

Prisca,

Are finances a particularly touchy issue? Let me preface this by saying that I have no idea if Markos is like this but it may give you a talking point with him. For me, having financial difficulties can feel like a very personal failure--a failure as a man, almost. It's hard to explain Adding the marital problems on top of any financial ones can be very overwhelming and feel like a very personal failure.

Adding the well-founded irritation of a wife who could not feed her child because the water is off probably put him at one of the lowest points of his life. He knew he screwed up, he knew he didn't want to live like that--perhaps he felt like less of a man as a result? And I mean that as a serious question, no matter how cliche it may sound.

And knowing how your reaction would be (irritable), maybe that's the reason he shut down. Perhaps he didn't feel "safe" enough to share any fears with you lest he get a critical reaction.

You might ask him but try to just listen without responding or defending yourself--even if it's perfectly within your right to do so. Though his AO was certainly out of line, it may help to try to understand why he went down that path--what the motivations were.

Oh, and him telling you to schedule time for him to pay bills is kind of weak. Like someone else said, both of y'all just pay the bills together and get it done. You'll feel better knowing that there won't be any more surprises when you try to turn on the water, he'll probably feel better knowing that the finances aren't solely his charge and responsibility...that you're in it together.

Food for thought. Hope things start looking up for you two. Take care.

Things he did that made me feel like he was resentful: Constantly bringing up my past mistakes and reminding me how much I've hurt him. Reminding me that he didn't quit MB, but that I did. Using my past mistakes as reasons to not meet my EN the way I like.

We talked more about resentment. I posted to Dr. Harley about it, too. Markos was resentful, by his own admission. He has committed to not bring up the past with me and using it against me again.

Things are looking up

We're headed out on vacation this evening ... I've been preparing for it all week! It's going to be great. We're going to the same place we went last year when Markos first got me involved with MB. Seems oddly appropriate.

We also have 30 hours UA time scheduled for next week! It's amazing how much better things seem right now since we got UA time in the last few weeks.

Northwood: finances are a touchy issue. It is one of the many issues that we have fought over in the past. Yes, he knew I was NOT going to be happy with him.

Our solution right now seems to be working. He is telling me whenever a bill comes in, and when he pays it. And he now has time scheduled to take care of things. I think it has taken a lot of pressure and stress off of both of us.

Have I mentioned things are looking up?