Maybe it's too soon. Today is my second session with my couselor, who I have called once already. The nights are very, very hard. Yesterday, I felt more hope than I have in the past three weeks after finding this site. Last night, I cried again when I went to bed and prayed for help, help in getting through the night.<BR>It's strange, but I can feel her. I can feel that she has pushed away thoughts of me and is actually with the OM. She does not want to confront the issues and gets angry when I "make her feel guilty." I have never been a very religous person, and in many of the bad things in my life, I have questioned the existence of God. <BR>For some odd reason, I have found a renewed faith. I pray more now then I ever did. I pray for help in getting through the day, especially at night. I pray that God's will is done. I also say that I know it is not right, but for Shannon (my wife) to think of me, and for her to come home. <BR>I have written down the suggestions for some of the books many of you kind people have mentioned. My counselor suggested one book, not on affairs, or getting over them, but a general "self-help" type of book entitled "Wherever you go, there you are." by Jon Kabat-Zinn. I'm not that far into it.<BR>I have tremendous feelings of guilt. I know that I was not attentive enough, that I was angry far too often, and that I was critical instead of loving. I have read a book my wife tried to get me to read our first year of marriage called "Communication Miracles for Couples." Amazingly enough, this author has many of the same concepts as Dr. Harley (He talks of a 'Love Bank' and ties it to self-esteem, how we make deposits and withdrawals, etc.) It is an EXCELLENT book on communicating in your relationship.<BR>I want so bad to utilize it with my wife. She is still unsure of what she wants. Part of the problem is responsibility. We have two children under two (My daughter is turning two on Nov. 13, and I dread it, because I don't kow where Shannon and I will be.)She likes the freedom of not answering to anyone right now. She is only 23, while I am 28. She told me this past weekend that she feels "so young."<BR>I still am very scared that she will not end the affair, but will choose to end our marriage. She tells me that the OM "makes her happy" "tells me how wonderful and great I am" "and anytime I make a mistake, he's not critical, he just tells me it's okay." They work together. I think her counselor (she is in therapy too, alone) told her if she wanted to work on the marriage she would have to leave her job and totally cut all contact from him. She has also said lately that her job is the only thing that makes her happy right now and that she loves it and does not want to give it up. She said if she had to give up her job, she would resent me. <BR>I've told my counselor all of this, but it helps to get it out again. There are many things I want to say to her. I don't know what to do most of the time. I want so much for her to give our marriage a chance. I have told her that I forgive her. I'm afraid of doing the wrong thing, of not being strong enough. This is very difficult, and I am not sure how long this will last and if I can go on. I know it is still early in the affair (a little over a month) and that generally, most affairs last six months. I am afraid, because I know she talks to him about what to do, and is not distancing herself from the situation. I believe that if she did, she knows she would come back to me, and she is "happy" when she is with him. She told me "I don't know if I want to try. What if I try, and I am throwing away my only chance at happiness?"<BR>I am trying to be strong. It's just so hard. I never imagined that it was this hard.

Joe,<BR> Hang in there! Nights are the roughest for me. Every night I watch my w go upstairs to bed and I lay down on the couch cold and alone and I just pray. I was never very religious before this, but I have found that praying helps me make it through the night. Plan A her the best you can and have patience. I know this much...if it all ends, I will have the peace knowing that I tried my best for myself, her, and our son.<P>dzrt

JoeJohn,<BR>Hang in there. Nights are also rough for me. I think that it's because there are no distractions. Your mind has nothing else to focus on but the lonliness. I sleep next to my W but most nights it's like she's not there. I have nightmares every night about the two of them in an embrace with her pleging her love for him. Most nights I cry while she lays there sleeping.<P>------------------<BR>That Which does not kill us makes us stronger.<P>

Yes, Joe, the nites really suck. I have been alone now 10 months and some are easier than others. But that big bed is lonely. For me it starts at dinner time, I miss him coming home from work and us sitting having a good meal and chatting. Now my son is busy with school and work and I usually eat alone. Then it's TV or chatting on the computer with a dear friend. I have a tendency to drink once nite falls. NOT a good habit. And sleep never comes...or if it does, I wake in about 2 hours and light a candle and just sit and think and watch the shadows on the wall. As time passes, it will have to get easier. But it does hurt.

Except for the fact that you have children and I am seven months into this, I could have written your post. The same guilt, the same responses from your W...it's my life too.<P>Seven months and the nights don't get easier, but like the days, they do get shorter. Hang in there. Treat her nicely and give her a reason to trust that things will be different if you get back together. Don't make her wallow in guilt (my big mistake). And remain calm. Every time you get angry, she will take one more step away. Your history together is the glue. He can never compete with that. Just don't get angry, no matter what. Don't make demands. I've been there. I wish I was back at the beginning now. If I had followed this advice I would be home right now.<P>

JoeJohn:<P>I was pretty much in your shoes two years ago (almost to the date). And I see all those feelings of yours and they're hauntingly familiar.<P>An additional suggestion: please consider going to the doctor's and getting them to fill you scripts for antidepressants and a mild sleeping pill (Ambien). You're in for a very tough ride, and you should be using every means available to help yourself in this.