I am not claiming to have any great answers on this, but I wanted to start a conversation because it seems there are a lot of BHs here now who struggle with being a doormat. I am not trying to align with anyones situation in particular, but I thought maybe some of the vets would step in and put some material on the thread.

I'm the first to admit, I come from a long line of doormats. My dad is a world champion at it. There was never an affair in their marriage as far as I know, but peace at any cost is no peace at all. He still gets steamrolled every darn day.

The thread is meant to talk about what to do, how to carry yourself, how to react when you are dealing with a WW who lets say does the standard non remorse, non commitment thing.

Just putting it out there, maybe this works as a good tool for new people - and reforming doormats of all vintages.

Thanks

I'll start simply, from MB materials here on the site, and allow the conversation to expand from there.

Articles pertaining to avoid doormat syndrome;

First and foremost; The Policy of Radical Honesty. Doormats don't speak well, even when being stepped on.

The Policy of Joint Agreement. I'm sure if your doormat had a say, it wouldn't allow you to wipe the dog crap off your shoes on it's face. This feeds back to PoRH.

And finally (for now);

When you should tell your spouse "We have a problem."

The condition of being a doormat is largely characterized by sacrifice and silence. We don't protest when our needs are being met, we don't protest when our spouses unleash Love Busters on us... in fact, we tend to ignore the problem in hopes that we will either "just survive" it, or that the problem will "just go away."

We think we are "just doing what is best for _______" (wife, self, children, family, career, etc).

The truth is, we are not doing anything resembling the best for OURSELVES. Even in the spirit of giving, or in the spirit of service, we cannot give our best, if we are not AT OUR BEST.


Consider a physician; if he doesn't meet his professional needs - continuing education, proper equipment, a strong, educated health team - he can't possibly provide the best care to his patients. If he sacrifices his professional needs for convenience, or economy, then his patients - and eventually his practice - ultimately suffer the consequences.


For the doormat spouse, sacrificing and allowing continued Love Busters ultimately leads to either Love Busting behavior (entry into the marital state of conflict), or eventual indifference (entry into the marital state of withdrawal).

Silence and sacrifice is a lose/lose strategy.