Long story short after 18+ yrs of marriage I asked my wife for a divorce. This happened around the end of January. I felt very comfortable about this decision and was ready to move on with my life. We had even signed the divorce papers and filed them, only to have them returned (I take this as a miracle).
Well there was one person I forgot to consult and that was God.

About 2 weeks ago God came to me in a way and made it plan and clear that I was wrong for doing this. This vision has shaken me to my very soul. I have come to realize that asking for a divorce was a mistake.

Me and the wife have been through a lot in our 18 yrs and I hurt her tremendously with threats of divorce without realizing the pain I caused her. Now don't get me wrong because she has done her fair share of hurt to me, but I have forgiven her for it.

We decided to put the divorce on the back burner for now. We both agree there are issues with ourselves we need to work on before we can even consider getting back together. We have seperated and I have started back to church.

I know with time and God's help we will get back together as God intended

Hello Mrswole, welcome to MB.

There is a lot of information in the "articles" on this site regarding building a wonderful marriage, no matter what stage your marriage is in. And there are a lot of wonderful people on this site with their own experiences to share.

This site is much more than a place to come to for support. It's a tool to learn how to build a marriage where both partners can be happy, and feel respected.

I'd like to offer a bit of advice. While you and your wife are separated and working out your issues, make sure that you're not only working on your individual issues, but it is imperative that you are also working on your marriage as well, if you want your marriage to make it.

So if you would like to do some work on yourself, and your marriage during this separtion, this is a great place to start.

May I ask why you decided to ask for a divorce to begin with?

Also, will you tell me about your vision? How he came to you and convinced you that what you were doing was wrong?

May I ask why you decided to ask for a divorce to begin with?
I had gotten to the point were enough was enough. Like any other marriage we had are ups and downs. We got thru them with prayer and God's guidance. I noticed a changed in my wifes behavior roughly 3 years ago. Everytime I asked her what was wrong she ignored me or said "nothings wrong". Well the truth of the matter was she was struggling to run her business. I had borrowed money to help her get it started with the understanding that she would pay back the loan. What really irritated me afterwards was I found out she had borrowed money earlier without me knowing. Well I think I suprised her when I said "you got yourself in this mess and you'll get yourself out". Things continued to build from there and we seperated around Sept 2009. We got back together around July 2010. The only problem was we identified our problems, came up with a plan of attack, but never implemented them.

Also, will you tell me about your vision? How he came to you and convinced you that what you were doing was wrong?
I will try to answer this all in one typing. There was a period in my life where I was very active in the ministry. I was called into the ministry at an early age. When I was involved in the ministry my marriage although not perfect it was going great. It was when I stopped going to church and listening to God thats when things started going wrong.
My vision was clear and precise. I was shown my family and how this divorce would effect them. At the time of vision I was at a friends (female) home asleep. It was as if God had reached out and spanked me hard. I cried for hours and I distinctly remember God telling me to stop the divorce. He will restore it. That when I told my friend I would no longer see/contact her again (this was not a sexual relationship). On my way home I felt a spirit in my soul. I had called the wife and asked her has she been praying for me and she said yes and asked me why. I told her I will talk to her when I get home.

Explaining to her that I had made a mistake was hard on her, for in her way she said she had forgiven me and accepted the fact. I explained to her my vision and we agreed to stop the divorce. I was so releived when I contacted the court house and they said they had not processed the papers that was a tremendous relief.

One of the 1st things I had to do was to get myself back in touch with God. It was something that was surely needed in my life. After consulting with my Pastor he was happy that I listened to God. There are somethings with me that I need to work on. I know I hurt my wife tremendously and am willing to do whatever it take to restore our marriage.

MrsWole, welcome to Marriage Builders.

May I suggest you ask the moderators to move this topic to the "Marriage Builders 101" forum? Because if I understand correctly, you and your husband have chosen to try to recover your marriage rather than head into Divorce. If so, this forum is probably NOT the place you want to be, as we are generally people who have already reconciled to the prospect of divorce.

At the risk of sounding like a shill, I think Marriage Builders is the best site on the Internet for helping couples recover and build strong marriages. I say this because Dr. Willard Harley, Jr., the founder and owner of this site, is an accomplished author and practicing psychologist with over 40 years experience in this field. He has developed his principles and programs over this period, and the results speak for themselves.

I would advise you to take some time to read the articles on this site (they are free), and perhaps even purchase one or more of Dr. Harley's books. My signature area has some links to get you started.

Again, welcome to Marriage Builders.

I believe you are Mr. Swole, a man, yes?

Are you saying that you had an emotional affair with this other woman?

Yes I am a man and yes the affair was emotional only.

What does your wife think about this affair?

I haven't told her and in all honestly I would prefer she wouldn't find out. i know its wrong of me to feel this way, but I beleive it would be best this way!

no, it won't be better this way.

My apologies for the mistaken "identity," Mr. Swole. Please take no offense. I read carelessly and now see the error was entirely mine.

That said, I still believe your best bet is to ask the moderators to move this thread -- the Surviving An Affair forum was meant for threads such as this!

I have asked a moderator to move this topic. Thanks to all that have replied.

I do agree she should know. This is the first EA I have ever been involved in and it has me questioning who I am as a man! Am I that insecure that I would throw away a marriage that I beleive will be healthy in the long run? By in no means is my wife perfect, somehow I lost my best friend and I want her back. The EA actually showed me who I am as a person, I lost sight of that.

Just a brief update. Since I asked wife to reconsider divorce things seemed to be going back and forth. When she took her ring off back in Feb.,I felt things were completely over. Well I got the shock of my life when we road to church together, I noticed her ring was back on her finger. Well after we talked and she explained why, I feel and know we have a long ways to go!

Welcome to Marriage Builders Mr. Swole.

Your EA was just as bad as a PA. Why? Because you had an emotional connection to this woman. You need to come clean with your wife about it.

Dr. Harley has specific steps for recovering from an affair.

"The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially.
The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide.

I'll describe these two parts to you in a little more detail. The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy.

This information is important for two reasons: (1) it creates accountability and transparency, making it essentially impossible for the unfaithful spouse to continue the affair or begin a new one unnoticed, and (2) it creates trust for the betrayed spouse, providing evidence that the affair is over and a new one is unlikely to take its place. The nightmares you experience are likely to continue until you have the facts that will lead to your assurance that your husband can be trusted.

An analysis of the wayward spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them.

After the first step is completed, the second step is to create a romantic relationship between you and your husband using my 10 Basic Concepts here as your guide. While your relationship may be improving, it won't lead to a romantic relationship because you are not being transparent toward each other. Unspoken issues in a marital relationship lead to a superficiality that ruins romance."

P.S. Would your wife consider coming here too?

princessmeggy: I agree with everything you said, but at the same time I feel if I tell her about the EA it would cause to much damage. This isn't the first EA affair that I had. The first one was about 10 yrs ago. I have cut out all contact with OW. As far as my wife coming onto MB, I will suggest it once she lets me know if she wants to continue our marriage.

mr_swole - the damage is already there. Your marriage is damaged from the day you had an affair. The only way to have a real marriage back is to stop lying to your wife.

You can't have great marriage with that kind of ugly secrets.

Additionally, nothing guarantees that the truth will be not revealed in future by someone. Do you really want such kind of news for your wife when she is - let's say 65? Can you imagine the resentment because she had to live a whole life in a lie and she can not do anything about it or turn back time?

Well, mr_swole, is there anything else you are hiding? PA maybe???

READ; I know better than my wife does about the information she needs to make the important descisions she needs to make about her own life. Her knowing this TRUTH is conditional for her, based on how she is going to treat me first.

Mr.Swole -

You have no right to withhold that information from your W. If you do, then you are falsely manipulating her into a reconciliation. You are also compounding coveting with lying. Pretty sure God didn't tell you to do that.

Since God seems to speak directly to you, why don't you ask Him what he thinks of your plan?

[Hint: if He says to go ahead and keep quiet about it, you are not hearing God speak to you. God would never tell you to continue hurting someone and LYING to them about the damage you have caused your M.]

Do you not hear the selfishness in your plan to keep this from your W?