You have a problem with lying. Your W is probably right to want to D you, unless you can begin telling the truth, which I suspect is going to be incredibly hard for you.

Here's a tip, Mr. Swole: your emotional affair was a crime. Your crime had a VICTIM, your wife.

You are worried about your feelings and not the feelings of your VICTIM, the person you wronged.

How about seeing to the person that you wronged, instead of using your feelings as an excuse not to take care of her? It might take forever to figure out how you feel. You should start taking care of your victim now, so it doesn't get put off perpetually while you make this excuse to yourself.

What else are you withholding, Mr. Swole? If you're playing fast and loose with the facts for us, a bunch of strangers, what else are you not telling your wife?

To all those who have advised me to tell my wife, THANK YOU. I debated about not tellig her, because until I came to MB I was unaware of a EA. Our conversation was peacefull, no blaming or accusations. It was agreed that somewhere in our marriage communication broke down and neither one of us knew how or was willing to get each other attention to talk. My wife is very spiritual and she already knew. I pray that she doesn't blame herself. We both need to be held accountable. I love my wife with all my heart and is willing to do anything to get our marriage stronger. The EA did make me realize some emotional & psychological issues that I am dealing with. I didn't fall in love with the OW. It was more of an infatuation. Hopefully by me admitting my mistake we can begin to work together to reconsile!

You both do not need to be held accountable for your affair.

Don't ever say that.

I disagree with you! Like I mentioned my wife isn't perfect. Do I condone the EA-no. It takes 2 people to make a marriage work!! Thats all I have to say!

I believe that what Ridic is saying is that no matter what, it was YOUR CHOICE, YOUR weak boundaries, that allowed you to have an A.

It doesn't matter one bit what your W did or did not do...it's still your personal responsibility to make sure you do not cheat on your W. Period.

She did not force, encourage or condone your A...that is all.on.you.

If you insist on making ANY of it her fault, you will have another affair. Guaranteed.

We are all responsible for being moral, decent people. This would include having an extra-marital affair.

The state of your M matters not at all in your choices to conduct yourself less than morally.

You are right: It does take two people to make a marriage work.

It only takes one to go out and have an affair.

You seem to have the idea that if your marriage wasn't good, you were therefore justified in having an affair.

No way, jose. Not around here. If a marriage isn't good, you have three choices:
1)Live with it.
2)Fix it.
3)Divorce it.

Option 4, "keep it for what it's worth but get a little somethin' on the side to make up the difference," is NOT a valid option. It's just selfish and cruel and helps no one, not even you.

Your wife is 50% responsible for the state of your marriage, but YOU are 100% responsible for your decision to go out and cheat.

I hope you will back down immediately from the thought of blaming your wife *in any way* for YOUR decision to commit adultery. That will not fly around here.

Mr. Swole, Good job on coming clean. Now the real work begins. Please read an excerpt from Dr. H's updated article on Surviving An Affair:

"As it turns out, I've discovered that the only way to really survive an affair is for a couple to turn their marriage into a passionate and fulfilling experience. Without having a better marriage than ever before, spouses don't really survive.

My plan to achieve that remarkable result takes a couple down a very narrow path. There are plenty of rules to follow, and without the complete cooperation of both spouses it won t work. But when the plan is followed the results are outstanding, and there are thousands of happy couples who bear witness to its amazing rate of success."
You can read the whole article here.

Oh, and knock it off blaming your BW. There may have been issues before you chose to torpedo your marriage, but you sir, are 100% responsible for your decision to have an affair.

Will your wife come here?

Uh, let's back up a minute. You were at this EA friend's house asleep but there was no physical aspect to the affair?

Who is the OW? How did you meet her and how often did you sleep at her house? Please tell us more about the affair. How long? There was no hugging and no kissing? Please be specific.

I would remind you that this is an anonymous forum and if you truly want our help, you need to answer ALL questions and be forthcoming. Please don't waste our time. Thanks.

First and foremost I appreciate all responses. Yes I take full responsibility for my actions and hold no blame towards wife. It was the most selfish thing I have ever done. Yes it filled a void in my life that I was going through, but at the same time it helped me realize I am still in love with my wife!! Somehow I lost site of that.

Was it wrong of me for wanting to have a conversation with my wife to discuss life issues and she's not here?
Was it wrong of me for wanting to plan our future and she's not here?
Was it wrong of me for wanting to plan our future and shes not here?
Was it wrong of me trying my damdest to make our marriage work but feeling abandoned in the process?

It's hard trying to be with someone who at times I felt didn't want to be in our marriage.

One of the biggest issues I had with my marriage is I felt it wasn't a priority to my wife. Every time I explained this to her, I just came away empty. To see her give everything in her life outside the marriage 100% and I get 10 was hard to say the least!

The EA came out of feeling alone, just needing someone to talk to. I felt appreciated and the hardest part was I was wanting this from my wife! I conveyed this numerous times and it seemed like it felt on deaf ears. What I should of done is demanded some of my wifes time so we could communicate. I'm only human and by far from perfect! I know I hurt my wife tremendously and I TAKE FULL RESPONSIBILITY!!

To Susie: There was no physical contact what so ever. We meet in person on Jan 29 2011 and I quit seeing her on Feb 29 2011. We only saw each other on the weekend. Believe me there was no physical aspect except for a handshake when we greeted each other.

This EA made me realize I have some issues I need to deal with, that I have begun (seeing a behavioral specialist). At the same time there are issues my wife needs to work on as well. We both agreed communication was a problem. I can not nor will not justify what I did. I was wrong and I get that.

Everyone please stop bashing me, I came here for help. It is important for me to make my marriage work. My marriage will not be a statistic. Regardless of my wifes action [u]I WAS WRONG I get that. [/u]

I am not seeking justification. I WAS WRONG I MADE A STUPID CHOICE!![/u]

I would like my wife to get on here and share here thoughts because I know if she did it will help her.

Thanks For Reading

"I pray that she doesn't blame herself. We both need to be held accountable."

Wow. Just wow Mr. Swole. That almost made me barf in my mouth. Sorry, but I am honest.

YOU chose to have an affair, your BW did not, and yes, probably both of you did make things not so perfect in your M, but YOU are the ONLY ONE WHO HAD AN AFFAIR.

And while you're maintaining it was only a handshake with the affair partner (latest one) you say there was a kiss or other contact with the first affair partner like 10 years ago??? I honestly think there is more. I just haven't heard, nor do I believe anybody here at MB has heard, of two affairs which have not gone physical.

Something..maybe it was the fact you were sleeping somewhere else with the affair partner or at the AP's house just is amiss. I am again, being 100 percent honest with you.

Also, your BW deserves the truth. Every nook and cranny. She has the right AS A HUMAN BEING to know the truth and to be able to decide what she wishes to do. It is up to HER as to whether she continues forward with a divorce or not, it is not up to you.

But what YOU can do is learn how to do your best to rebuild the M from the ground up. You have heavy lifting to do sir, as you tore down the M significantly with each affair. So, if your goal is to HEAL your M and rebuild, then you need to learn MB and all the concepts and not be afraid of sheer honesty and not be afraid to live a 100 percent transparent life, and know that there is a hard road ahead, and that it will take work.

Yes, there will be hard work ahead, and remember, you can give your M the best potential recovery you can, by learning all about MB here, but in the end, it is not up to you, but up to your W as to what will happen to the M. The WS (wayward spouse) doesn't get to make that call. Sorry.

Wish you well, now get to work! There's alot to be done. Begin by reading up on all the emotional needs and what you can do to make sure your boundaries and penchant for inappropriate relationships with the opposite sex NEVER EVER happens again. And at some time very soon, the truth must be told to your betrayed wife.

If members on this forum have a hard time believing there was no contact in my EA's then thats there choice. The one 10 years ago was a complete infatuation. Yes there was a PA that happened so long ago I forgot about it. I have nothing to hid. I have admitted my mistakes accepted responsibility and began to move on with my life. It was the attention that attracted me. It was attention and appreciation that I could not get from my wife!

I really can't believe the members who feel my wife isn't accountable for any of our problems. It's hard to meet someone emotional needs, when all you hear is "I don't know". I am not a mind reader. I tried my hardest to be her friend first and foremost and just came away empty. Trying to do things together became virtually impossible. When ever I suggested something all I got was "I don't do that". It really is hard trying to be with someone who just seems so uninterested! We both seemed to withdraw to ourselves. Trying to deposit into her LB was a constant battle!!!

The one thing we have discussed is the last 2 years have been hard on everyone. When I try to think back to what began this all I can think of is a process server serving me papers for my wife on a loan that I had no idea about. I realized I was changing, because normally I would fly off into a tizzy fit. I think I surprised my wife when all I did was put my arms around her tell her I loved her and kissed her on her forehead. All I said was she got herself into this mess, she can get it out. To make matters worse I had recently borrowed 10k so she could start a business!

I have paid out close to 100k in my wife bills, lost a home because of my wife and guess what I still love her. All I ever wanted in return was appreciation and love.

I have beat myself up tremendously over the years trying to make things work. Around January of this year I gave up. I realized I am somebody not a door mat. Things my wife did took a huge toll on our family financially and me emotionally. We both have contributed to it emotionally! Thinking divorce was the only option. It's something I thought about and mentioned numerous times over the years. I realized that was a mistake. I will admit, mentioning divorce was wrong! I guess it was my way of crying out for help. What I should of done is locked myself in a closet and prayed to God! I have put every ounce of me into my marriage trying to make it work, but all I got out of it was nothing. Feeling like a failure, because I became over whelmed financially and couldn't provide! All I ever wanted was a marriage based on openness,honesty and togetherness. Not lies and deceitfulness!

I came on MB to seek help. All posts that I feel are attacks on me will not be responded to!

And to peachyisback: I live a transparent life. I hide nothing from my wife. She has access to my computer (no passwords), all financial accounts, cell phone everything!!! On the other hand it's the exact opposite for my wife. It's like everything she does is so secretive. Then when I find out about something i'm suppose to what grin and bear it!! When I tried to explain to her this leads to mistrust, all I got is its hers so I left it at that! And yes the EA/PA were my doing, just like it was my wifes doing with the financial garbage!

FOR THE LAST AND FINAL TIME THE EA/PA'S WERE NOT MY BEST CHOICES. I ACCEPT FULL RESPONSIBILITY. IT WAS THE ATTENTION THAT ATTRACTED ME. I WAS WRONG

Despite all this I still want my marriage. I have suggested counseling with the wife and frankly we need it. From me and wife to kids!

I think, if you want the help and guidance of this forum, that perhaps you should reconsider telling those of us who have been through the war, just how you're going to do this, and just how you'll accept our input and experiences.

And you need to, if you can, to step back from the emotion ( and all caps is considered hollering on the internet), and read what you are being told. And sit with it. And think about what is being said.

You have exactly the wrong attitude towards your wife. I suspect she grasps that, and I suspect you don't understand that.

Good grief, more lies. Like I've already said to you, you have a problem with lying. A big one.


Really? So she knows about this PA plus the two EAs? And any other affairs that you've had?

Sorry, on a public forum you don't get to choose what people say to you. The posts that sting the most always have some truth in them. You are living in a world of serious denial.

The "attacking" posts are the most helpful in de-fogging a foggy wayward spouse. And you are EXTREMELY foggy.

Stop with the foggy thoughts and comments and you won't get "attacked".

Okay, Mr. Swole, this begs the question: What else haven't you told us? This has gone from one EA to an additional one to an additional physical affair We've had to drag this information out in order to help you, and you still say

Can you see where all of these infidelities have damaged your marriage? It's foundation is built upon deception. That can't stand. Honesty is the only foundation you can build a marriage on. Do you see this?

It is out in the open. I have never hidden anything from my wife.
Yes I understand I hurt her tremendously. If people want to attack my character and call me a liar then go for it. I have exposed all.

This was the A that led to your asking your W for a divorce at the end of Jan? You were sleeping at her house? There is no way I believe, not for one second, that this was not a PA and that it was only for one weekend.

You realize that most WSs who ask for a divorce or "space", the A is already physical? You realize that we see this stuff on the boards every day over and over and we can smell BS from a mile away?

When you are ready to get serious and start telling the truth, people will help you. Don't bother getting defensive and claiming people are attacking you, that won't work here.

This A was not P, it was a EA. I had been thinking about asking for a divorce for sometime thinking it was the only solution. I asked my wife for the divorce about a week before.

Susie: Please believe me. After the first PA I promised myself that I would never do this again. It happened when we were separated in 99 or 2000. I had convinced myself that since we were separated it was ok. Like I have mentioned and stated over and over the only person I blame for my A are myself.

I only seen the other woman 3 times. It was conversation only, no physical contact. I just needed someone to talk to. I was at a low point in my life and just needed someone to listen. The OW actually helped me realize I was still in love with my wife. Thats when we mutually agreed to never see one another again.